I have a tendency to exaggerate.

Starburst

I'm a people pleaser. I want people to be happy with me, so I often say what they want to hear. This usually backfires on me because so many words are left unsaid. Without fail, I almost always sit in the rheumatology clinic and tell them how well I am doing. "Does this hurt?" they ask and I say that it doesn't even if it goes.

I got a plethora of compliments from my rheumatologist, saying how she thinks I'm managing so well "you've really conquered this". Afterwards, all I could think was that I don't want to have to conquer this. I wanted to scream at the sheer injustice of having to to adapt to something I hate. I wanted to say that I live in chronic pain, that I played down my flare ups, that I'm actually in a lot of pain but I smiled and felt happy that she was pleased with me.

I am a dab hand at this game; I know I need to stick to the things I've written down on paper, that I need to ask someone to come with me to help me out. Yet, I don't. I smile, I exaggerate and I leave. Somewhere in all of this, though, I do feel that I have reached an emotional point where I can cope. However, this is in spite of me playing down my symptoms. I'm not exaggerating when I say I have a reached a point of acceptance, perhaps this is the only thing that really matters....?

stickywicket

I think you're right, Sophie. Acceptance is hugely important – acceptance of the pain, the uncertainties, the sudden reverses of fortune especially when you feel you've been doing everything right, the continuing unfairness of a disease which accepts no rules, no boundaries, no deadlines. If we can accept all this then at least we are only left dealing with the physical pain, not the emotional baggage that can accompany it.

I've always tried to resist being a moaning Minnie. Like you, I've been apt to tell docs I'm 'fine' when I'm not even within sight of it 8) (One perceptive GP reminded me that “I'll be OK” means “I'm not OK right now.”) There is an advantage to this approach, though. On the one occasion when I burst into tears, my GP had an orthopaedic appointment arranged for the end of the week and a new hip followed on quickly.

I always tell newbies that a good relationship with our health professionals is important. I try not to bullshyt them and I see no reason why we can't share a laugh or two and still deal with the difficult areas as well. I see no point in mentioning pain if I really don't want to chuck more meds into the mix right now. (What else can they do?) If I genuinely think a few new exercises might help a certain joint I'll ask if it'd be possible to see the physio.

For what it's worth I think you cope admirably. If you feel you've played things down a bit too much maybe another time you could answer “Does this hurt?” by “Yes, but I can handle it.” Between you, you can then decide whether or not that's a good idea :P

theresak

I think one of the problems we have is that by and large, most of us try to make light of our problems, to the point where we gloss over them rather than appear to be "giving in." When we visit the GP and he politely asks how we are, our natural inclination is to say, "fine, thank you," even when we`re not.

I have a very good relationship with my GP, but he never lets me forget that a letter he received years ago from a consultant after I`d had surgery informed him that I have a very high pain threshold.So if I say the pain isn`t too bad, he mentally adds on a bit and assumes I`m playing it down. This, of course, is an advantage of having the same GP for a very long time.

I think it`s probably true to say that people like you, who deal so well with everything life throws at them, are the ones who cope, and go on coping in spite of all the obstacles put in front of them, and rarely make a song and dance about it.

stickywicket

theresak wrote:

I think it`s probably true to say that people like you, who deal so well with everything life throws at them, are the ones who cope, and go on coping in spite of all the obstacles put in front of them, and rarely make a song and dance about it.

I suspect, brave as we all know she is, dancing'd be out of the question anyway

Slosh

At the risk of being boring I just want to reinforce what theresak and Sticky have said. I think a lot of us don't always say exactly how we are feeling for a whole host of reasons.
I don't think it's about coping but learning to manage as best as possible on a daily basis. I find it hard to always be honest when I have my hospital appointments if it's not with my consultant as it makes me feel both ungrateful and like a moaning minny!
I am getting better with my GP though.

barbara12

Hello Sophie..don't worry you are not on your own , smiling and pretending things are ok, I have learned when I see one of my consultants to say how it is..but with family and friends I don't moan, because it doesn't help anyone..and would make me feel worse if anything..
Acceptance is such a big thing, and you are doing well there..wishing you well with everything..x

dreamdaisy

With the GP or the rheumatologist I say it how it is - I cannot see the point in lying to people who are there to help me because they need to know how things are. To The Spouse and friends I frequently lie otherwise I will become like so many others, continually grumbling, moaning, sour and dis-satisfied about things that cannot be changed.

There is more to my life than my arthritis. Yes, it's here and it's a part of me and it's never going to go but there are other aspects of my life which put it firmly in its place - last. DD

Starburst

Thank you for your helpful words. I went through a few days of "rawwwrrrr, I am so furious with myself" and it started to consume me. I am now over it. A new week tomorrow and a new start.

LignumVitae

I hope you are no longer angry at yourself or you will have me to deal with
I'm queen of being in a mess, having it all written down and then sitting in front of my rheumatologist, smiling and trying too hard - in summer when things were bad she was trying really hard to get me to give the correct answer to 'can you still exercise?' instead of the simple, required, straightforward 'not really' I launched into a long story about how I was adapting and managing because I didn't want her to think I was lazy :roll: people pleasing is all well and good but when they would be more pleased with the answers they know but need us to give them then we are dopes of the first order...or I am.

merri

I do think there is value to writing down how you feel, both physically and mentally, and then handing the physical one to the health professional if you don't feel like you can tell them the unadulterated truth at that moment.

Also, my biological therapy told me the once that with chronic conditions, we cycle through the bereavement cycle - shock, denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, despair, and finally acceptance, and that we may go through the whole cycle two, three even four times in a day sometimes, and some times we may stick on a part of the cycle for a while before moving on to the next. I thought that once you got to acceptance you were done, jackpot, bingo, move on, and couldn't understand why I was so angry, until she explained it to me. I hope that helps you too.

Slosh

I hadn't thought of that before, but it makes a lot of sense merri

stickywicket

The 'Bereavement Cycle' applies to many things. With arthritis, it's not just the initial loss but the ongoing losses which each have to be acknowledged and dealt with in turn. They can become easier insofar as we become more practised at dealing with losses but they still grate and, every so often, a biggie comes along which takes us by surprise and hits harder.