Have R.A. Can't Afford Dignity

stickywicket

We're all different. On the 'Ideas to Make Life Easier' thread above, Lindalegs mentioned a useful-sounding funnel as an aid for us ladies in...erm...well, in the Ladies. 'Legs' and I have a lot of rubbishy joints in common so I bought my rather nice-looking, easily collapsible funnel and set off for the loo for a trial run.

First problem – what is the correct Order of Ceremony? I opted to first unwrap and 'un-collapse' the funnel but then what? I required two hands to take down trousers and knickers and a third to hold the funnel. Lacking a third hand I grasped it between my teeth. So far, so good.

The next bit was tricky too. I have to hang on to my trousers and knickers as, if they make their way down to my ankles and I can't sit down to reach them (or, to be precise, can't stand up again after sitting), they will stay there. As will I. Not ideal. So I employed the funnel one-handed. And wet it. I mean the hand as well as the funnel. How? No idea. I'd thought I was doing OK.

The rest was where it got completely out of hand. Literally. I mean, what does one do with a used – and therefore wet – funnel, within the confines of a loo, while requiring two hands (Yes, inevitably that included the wet one) to pull up trousers and knickers? The funnel certainly wasn't going back into my mouth.

I very carefully laid it on the loo seat and prayed to the gods of the loo to ensure it wouldn't roll in. I dressed as quickly as possible, picked up the object, wiped the seat, carried the funnel into the bathroom and washed it and me. I realised I could hardly do that in a public loo. Would I just have to stuff it back in its polythene bag while still in the loo, stuff the bag in my handbag and wait for a more congenial opportunity to cleanse us both? Yuk!

I don't think I want to do this. Maybe.....if I could manage disposable gloves....but I can't. I think I shall continue to risk the hazards of stand-up, non-directed, hit-and-hope urination in the Ladies. And bless the inventor of the raised loo seat.

Mind you, my funnel is, at least 'dishwasher safe'.

theresak

Oh Sticky, how very funny! I found out after gynae surgery that we ladies can't be worrying about our dignity. I know lady hikers who take a 'she-wee' with them on a long hike, but since long hikes are out of the question I've never felt the need.

I can see how a third hand would be very useful - I have enough trouble managing to perform a MSU.

dreamdaisy

Oh dear, I empathise because it is so complicated, yes? It's bad enough trying to fill a sample pot (that was me yesterday morning, very creaky after a poor night's sleep and trying to contort unwilling joints into peculiar (for me) positions) but maybe this is something for those who can contort, who can also 'drive' their outer clothing plus task and complete without spillage rather than for the likes of us. (Initially I omitted the 's' from spillage )

I reckon you didn't buy the essential extra which is the complicated arrangement of drive belts, cogs, brakes and automatic hand-washer which one hangs around one's neck. It also includes crocodile grips to secure lowered garments. DD

mig

tjt6768

:shock: :? :shock:

stickywicket

dreamdaisy wrote:

I reckon you didn't buy the essential extra which is the complicated arrangement of drive belts, cogs, brakes and automatic hand-washer which one hangs around one's neck. It also includes crocodile grips to secure lowered garments. DD

Nope. I went for the cheapo DIY version.

Tony, it's a female thing. You blokes don't know you're born

barbara12

SW I was reliving that with you , not the wetting bit. :shock: ..what a cufuffle.wounder how Linda manages.. :?

LignumVitae

I sympathise having had to fill endless sample pots with a giant bump to negotiate. I guess you gave it a try, arthritis requires adaptation and flexibility of method (not joints), I'm impressed you attempted it in the first place. Maybe there's a new method/tool to use but I'd be careful googling it, who knows what the results might bring up.

tjt6768

We just aim n shoot

dreamdaisy

And miss. DD

stickywicket

Amen to that :roll:

tjt6768

Lol. .
I have a good aim actually

daffy2

I have a good aim actually

Over the years I have heard that so many times. It can prompt one of the following responses, depending on circumstances
Yes...and what are you aiming at?
Pity the eyesight's not as good
Is that before or after 10 pints of lager?
Sticky, pity long skirts and crotchless Queen Victoria bloomers are so last year!

tjt6768

lindalegs

Hi Sticky,

Sorry to laugh! :roll:

I lower my garments first and, as they're normally elasticated at the waist, they don't fall to the floor but stay where they're lowered to!

Remove funnel from my pocket and then I pull some toilet roll ready for if I accidentally wet my hands (which I don't, unless on the occasion when I've had a glass or wine ) and also to wrap the used funnel in! Simples!

In public disabled toilets I just drop the funnel into the sink whilst I adjust my clothing or balance it on top of a flat surface ready for rinsing.

I'm glad you've reported back and I am bearing in mind that I'm the expert after all these years and you're a mere novice. Don't give up, have another go but, dare I say, either have a go in the shower or have a wee when you're nudie so you take one step at a time! (I will try not to picture you .....promise! )

Love from the funnel veteran,