Feeling gutted. A bad end to the term.

Slosh

As you may know I have been struggling a bit over the past couple of weeks.
Yesterday I had my first physio appointment for my back, this time at the hospital in the muscular - skeletal physio dept. By coincidence I have the same physio as I first saw at the community clinic two years ago, but moref that later.

She was lovely, and as well as my back looked at my legs, left one not good as usual and my neck. She then went to check my last spinal MRI came back and said that it wasn't very clear but it looked as though there was a disc that had popped out a bit and was pushing on my spinal cord at the level that could cause leg problems. Because of this and my worsening neck and arm problems she didn't give me any exercises but told me to go to orths and request that at my review next month I see my consultant rather than the registrar, and that if they tried to put me off until August to persist. I did this and have an appointment with him just 4 days later than my previous appointment.

Today I saw my usual GP. I told him about the physio , and we talked about how much worse my arm and wrist pain has got and that my neck has started to get bad again, grating feelings and clicking when I move it, days when it is very stiff and pains going up into the base of my skull and that also go up into my head.
Usually he says do I want to be signed off and I say no. Today tbough he TOLD me he was going to sign me off, for 5 weeks as I need to rest! We agreed on 4 so I am back for the last day of term to avoid the summer break being counted in as sickleave and gave me a new prescription for Oxycodone.

I feel gutted that I havehad to do this so close to the end of term and guilty that others are going to have to pick up extra work that has to be done this term. I also feel sad that I am loosing the last few weeks of my current job. Needless to say I cried.

As for the physio, she said she didn't often recognise past patients because she sees so many but she recognised me by my lovely smile!
Not much evidence of it today though. Sorry this is such a long, negative post.

LignumVitae

Oh Slosh (((((()))))) I'm sorry that you are hitting a disheartening situation yet again. You must be gutted about the sick leave but it does sound absolutely necessary. The physio does sound positive in that she has eagle eyes, has taken a sensible precaution and action and remembers a big smile!

Feel down because it is rubbish to yet again not be on top of things but also feel incredibly supported and then go forward with your rest and getting things settled. In the global scheme stopping work now isn't dreadful. Battling on for another 4 weeks and becoming sick, that would have been dreadful and made it all feel much worse.

dreamdaisy

Oh dear, I am so sorry. ((((( ))))) DD

theresak

So sorry to hear this, Slosh, but your GP is right to sign you off - you need the rest, and hopefully it will do you good. I know you will feel guilty about being off, & others taking up the slack, but right now you need to do what is best for YOU.

Please don't apologise for your post - everyone here is in your corner.

Take care & get plenty of rest.

daffy2

How disappointing for you Slosh, but on the plus side how reassuring to have a medical team which has your best interests at heart and knows you as an individual rather than a collection of symptoms.

mig

Sorry about all this Slosh ,am sending some real big tender hugs (((((())))))Mig

Slosh

Thank you all for your understanding. I agree that I am very lucky in terms of the professionals supporting me, especially my GP. As I said usually when he suggests signing me off and I say "no" he doesn't press it so I knew this time it was different when he was more insistent.

I'm just disappointed in and angry with myself and my body that I haven't made it to the end of term.

Starburst

Oh Slosh, I know you're disappointed but can you re-frame it and consider that this is short term pain for longer term gain. If you can stop and rest now, you'll be able to enjoy the summer holidays and return feeling refreshed and in a different place. I understand why it hurts though, in more ways than one. Chin up, lovely, we are here for you.

GraceB

Slosh, am gutted for you. I hope you get some good quality rest and that things improve for you soon. And just when you were beginning to think things were getting organised for your new pattern of working hours next term as well.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. If you are a tennis fan "Queens" is on at the moment, then it's "Eastbourne" followed by the biggie - "Wimbledon".

Take care,
GraceB

frogmorton

Well Slosh

What a lovely physio! She certainly knew her stuff and has helped you assert yourself and see the consultant not a registrar and your GP was right I am sure hearing all your symptoms :?

Yes it is very sad about not being able to work, but the enforced rest will do you good. You will be able go into school for the last week in time to say your goodbyes to your old role, knowing that you have an appointment with the consultant looming which means a chance to hopefully get some help.

I too am sending you some (((()))) and hope that you can use the forums and us lot to distract you while you are on your R&R.

Love

Toni xxx

stickywicket

Of course you are disappointed because you are so conscientious but guilty? No. You have done all in your power to make your ailing body work, Slosh. You have conscientiously done the exercises and have rested when absolutely necessary. Sometimes it just isn't enough and this is one of those occasions. I applaud your desire to see things through to the end of term but right now your own long term (no pun intended) prospects are more important. Do what you have to do and don't feel bad about what you can't do. None of this is your fault. (((())))

Slosh

You are all right, I know that with my head, but in my heart part of me is wishing I hadn't made that phone call to school and had torn up the sick note. But I haven't.

I will be good, I trust my GP and that if he thought I was ok to work he wouldn't have pushed it or would have suggested a shorter period off sick and/or reduced hours until the end of term. I suppose I was half expecting that.

One positive (?), a friend that I recently got back in touch with via Facebook and who now lives in the USA is coming over for a visit in July and has suggested meeting up, at least it will be easier to arrange something if I am not working.

If I am honest I am also scared. Scared that I might need further surgery, scared of what is happening. .. but I don't need to explain that feeling to any of you as you understand.

stickywicket

I honestly think you're doing the right thing. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.

I do get the 'scared of surgery' thing. Particularly of neck surgery. I've not had any but I do have neck problems which scare anaesthetists. My last one said he took 20 minutes to get the mouthpiece in place because 'nothing is where it should be' in that area. (Or, indeed, any other :roll: )

You seem to have a very good team looking after you and you clearly work well, and honestly, with them. That is very important. The rest is sometimes out of our hands.

villier

(((()))) you are doing the right thing Slosh and you are dealing with people that definitely know what they are talking about. We are here for you whatever path you have to take, take the rest when you can get it I am sure meeting up with your old friend will cheer you up no end. xx

dibdab

Oh Slosh, how very frustrating and disheartening. You know that the medics are doing what is right for you, and for now you need to trust them and work with them to retain the very best of what you have and avoid any more rubbish joining in. Don't feel guilty, it's absolutely not your fault, though I do understand and have stood in those shoes too. Embrace your rest time, find something to do that you've been putting onto a shelf till you had time, or visit someone you care about, or go see something beautiful and life enhancing.......we just have one stab at this life, so enjoy the things you can and try not to waste energy on regrets.

(((((((((((( )))))))))))))).

Debx

Slosh

Thank you all for your understanding and support. I know I will get through this and I know there's nothing I can do but follow the advice I have been given. If nothing else it shows my decision to part-time next year was the right one, my body is clearly telling me that it is not happy with full-time work.

Payday next week so I think a visit to hobbycraft may be called for, along with one to homebase to pick up some paint cards to start thinking about my new colour schemes. House needs some cheering up but nothing quite as bold as LV's plans.

Starburst

You're right, you will get through this because you are strong and capable and because you've got your AC friends on your side. ((( Slosh ))) I think a plan to cheer up the house sounds lovely, something fun to focus on. I'm not very creative myself but I know it can be very therapeutic.

juliep123

Please don't feel guilty, it sounds like you've struggled for a long time when you shouldn't have been at work anyway. You need to listen to your GP (who sounds lovely by the way) and put yourself first for a change. I hope you feel better very soon and that part time work suits you better.
Take care
Julie xx

Slosh

Thank you both. If I'm honest looking back over the last few weeks I was struggling but I had also slipped back into denial, you know the "I'm making a fuss over nothing, I can do this just like before." feeling.

My GP is lovely, and it wasn't until I had to see a different one that I really understood the importance and the benefit of having one who knows my case and me!

Still can't say I'm happy about this but I have begun to realise how much I need some rest.

LignumVitae

Hi SLosh, it sounds like you, as usual, have taken a deep breath and realised where things are at. Very good to hear because fighting the guilt and enabling the denial just makes it all worse. I'm reflecting on that quite a bit at the moment because 12 months ago around now was when my arthritis control came crashing down and the summer of flare took over. My blood pressure was up, I was exhausted and barely functioning and really, if I had had the wit to accept what was happening sometime last May or even late April, I might have saved myself a crash to such depths and got the next treatment plan sorted a little faster.
Your GP sounds like a real star and very sensible but then I could say that about you too. Keep resting.

Slosh

Thank you LV.

stickywicket

I think denial works right up to the point where you can deny no more. Then you look back and think, instead, “How did I manage to fool myself so comprehensively?”

For the record, I think both of you get things very right the great majority of the time. It's not easy and there's no rule book.

Slosh

With teaching as well you learn to put on an act, it's no coincidence there are quite a lot of former teachers who end up as actors or comedians, and I think I was so good at hiding from most people how I really felt that I was starting to fool myself too and just accepted the daily struggle at work as "normal ".

I am gradually starting to relax and let go of my guilt, though I have offered to help out with an end of year data task.

As ever all the words of support, wisdom and advice are very much appreciated and help enormously.

juliep123

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about your situation now. I reduced my hours of work from 37 pw to 24pw for the last five years at work. If I hadn't I'm sure that I would have been medically retired a lot sooner.
Take care and keep resting xx
Julie

speedalong

Hi Slosh, I'm a teacher too and totally understand the guilt thing. Going in for the last week is a good compromise, though. On the flip side, you may actually be able to better enjoy your summer hols instead of spending the whole yo e reacting and recuperating.

Do you know your class/ groups/ timetable for next year? If so, you could always do some planning in readiness for Sept!

Speedy

Slosh

I don't have a class. I am currently an Inclusion Manager but with my move to working three days a week I will be changing roles to reading intervention manager, though I have been told that the person taking over from me, also an Inclusion Manager in the school will be "leaning on me quite a lot" , the head's words, and unfortunately most of my books etc are at school.

I must admit to finding it hard to switch off and rest so I'm going to have to work at that .