I'm lost in the universe of uncontrollable events

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Boomer13
Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
edited 25. Aug 2015, 15:37 in Living with Arthritis archive
My Mum's death. Horrible, unexpected, and I'm not handling things very well. As expected, the strain is showing up in my joints and worsening fatigue. My brother is making things worse for me by: flying out to stay at my Mum's house and going through her bedroom and private possessions without my knowledge :o . Why would he do this? I have no idea. I'm trying not to worry about it too much but he has bundled up garbage bags full of her clothes and other things that he says are garbage. I know I'm a sentimental person and I really would have liked to have been there for the big throw out of her things and I didn't feel ready to do it yet (not that I was asked).

I haven't been sleeping very well since she died and I find any conversation/meeting I have with family causes a lot of extra distress afterward while I mull things over. This is amplified by the brother-in-question not really believing me about my health issues. He is persistently pushing me to talk about the estate issues, etc. I really don't want to right now and there is no rush to do this. Every conversation with him is a long, drawn out rambling discussion with someone who is very anxious about a lot of different things. I'm trying not even to talk about my health with him because there is no point, he just carries on like nothing is wrong anyway. He seems to think he just needs to push me, I dread having anything to do with him. I just want to be left alone to grieve about my Mum, who was a very special person in my life and it has only been two weeks yesterday since she died. Not long, I think. The estate stuff can wait for now.

Sorry for whining and rambling about this but I thought talking about it might help. I'm feeling very awful all around and very concerned that I not provoke a more serious flare-up of PsA. I'm on week 7 of new treatment with Enbrel and do want to give it more of a chance to work. This is my priority and the other stuff I need to tackle slowly, one thing at a time. Sounds simple enough, but I guess my family have other plans. My Mum would be horrified that this was happening. She was a brilliant diplomat. Unfortunately, this obviously wasn't an inheritable trait for all of us. My experience around death of family members causes a lot of SCB (sudden crazy behavior) I guess I'm in for it now.

Thanks for reading......

Feeling like this: :island-shark: :swim-shark: when I would like to be feeling more like this: :hammock: :splash: It's unbearably hot here too with no end in sight :too-hot: Too emotional, too painful...

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  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Ive tried to write several times and it always seems so superfluous ,I am thinking of you at this difficult time and sending hugs.(((()))) Mig
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I empathise with losing your mum, mine died in April 2013 and it was a very difficult time but, luckily for me I am an only child so could do things at my snail's pace. It took just under a year to sort the probate and sell her house - these things do not happen in an instant and your bro may be in for a shock once lawyers etc. get involved.

    Grief affects people in different ways: you would prefer time to reflect and gently sort things out but the brother, in a typically blokey fashion, wants things done ASAP, efficiently and without too much emotion. I don't recall my PsA etc. worsening because my focus was on other things but once the hullaballoo had reduced I certainly slumped.

    I am very tired and still have domestic dross to do, I am out of wise words and will not resort to platitudes. I do empathise though, it is far from an easy time because there is so much to be thought about and dealt with. ((( ))) DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thank you both. I really don't know why I have to be so sensitive to things but I feel every event in the joints and back, it's weird.

    I appreciate your comments and everything gives perspective on the situation, which I definitely need.

    We have started things with a lawyer so it will get sorted out, albeit slowly and I'm fine with that. He is the same one we used when my aunt died a few years ago. It all took ages and ages so I expect similar.
  • Sarahd1609
    Sarahd1609 Member Posts: 64
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Firstly boomer , I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what emotional pain you are going through. The physical I can tho. Grief can make our conditions worse. We tend to put ourselves last and that can aggrevate and amplify conditions. I have PsA and I know it's not the same, but when my nan died, I was so busy grieving that I didn't pay attention to my body and ended up in agony. Likewise stress can make you worse, and your brother needs to understand that. He needs to take your feelings into account. If you are not ready then you are not ready and that is simple. If your body isn't right, neither will your mind be and you have to be fully alert when dealing with everything. Also Enbrel can leave you feeling exhausted too so you need to deal with that first my lovely. For the first 12 weeks I have been feeling cold And exhausted after my jab. If you need to talk Pm me. Sending you massive hugs xx
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,636
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I feel for you - my younger sister went into juggernaut mode as soon as she was notified of my mother's death and in the process managed to upset a lot of family and friends, and cause a lot of confusion as well - and like you that would have been the last thing mum would have wanted. Even if you didn't have health issues to contend with you would have wanted to take things more slowly and it's thoughtless and unkind of your brother to have no regard for your feelings. Unfortunately such life events don't always bring out the best in families! I hope that if he chafes at the inevitable legal delays he keeps it to himself.
    Thinking of you, it's a sad and difficult time.
  • Megrose489
    Megrose489 Member Posts: 779
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Really feel for you, Boomer at such a very difficult time.

    When my mother-in-law died, my sister-in-law swooped upon her bungalow and took most of the furniture to furnish my nephew's flat without saying anything to anybody else. We think we know people, but, sometimes they act in ways it's difficult to understand.

    The important thing is your health and the need for you to grieve in peace, without all this hassle. Maybe your brother feels that if everything gets sorted quickly he will feel better about your mother's death? Is there anybody in the family who could have a quiet word with him, remind him of your health issues and get him to see what he's doing?

    Take good care of yourself. Thinking about you.

    Meg
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,726
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thinking of you, Anna. ((()))
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • JPH
    JPH Member Posts: 45
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Boomer13, my most sincerest sympathies and empathies are with you
    at this incredibly difficult painful time in your life.

    I went through exactly the same as what you're going through now, but instead of it being a brother, it was my mums long time boyfriend, who wasn't in any will, had no rights over anything, it should have been down to me. Instead, he took it all upon himself to go through the bedroom etc.


    I really do wish I could write more to you at this time, but as my post may already give away, that part of my life was still very recent so its very hard for me to post about, and discussing her boyfriends part in it is still a very sour note.

    I just hope you can take some comfort, even the smallest amount in knowing that there are many who have been through exactly what you are, and there are many who can relate to parts of it.

    Please know you're not alone, and that so many of us here send real heart felt empathies to you. I hope in time it becomes easier to cope with and certainly not so stressful on the joints.

    Don't let anyone put pressure on you Boomer, the last thing you need is to be pressurised into making any choices or decisions you may live to regret.
    Take things at your pace, not theirs.
    "You know you have RA when half brushed hair is awesome"
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I'm so sorry to hear you have lost your mum. My mum passed away 4 years ago. Things didn't need to be sorted as dad was still living in the house. He has since moved in to a care home because of Alzheimers. As it was a council house, we had to move quickly to sort everything out. My sisters weren't speaking to my brother but, thankfully, they were all civil while we cleared the house. My brother found out later that my sisters had Power of Attorney and we hadn't been told. They have made quite a few decisions about dad without even mentioning them to us.

    I hope you do get to deal with things at your own pace. It shouldn't be up to only your brother. It does take time but you will get there emotionally too. Ramble on here all you want. I've found everyone to be very supportive.
    Christine
  • Starburst
    Starburst Member Posts: 2,546
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Things sounds overwhelming to say the least, Anna. I am sorry for your loss and send my condolences to you. Families are hard, eh? You can't choose them and in times like this, you need a total cease of SCB. Bereavements often amplify difficult behaviours in more <ahem> challenging family members.

    Take it easy and do what you need to do, for both your physical and emotional health.
  • theresak
    theresak Member Posts: 1,998
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Boomer, I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be swamped by emotions for some time, and it's hardly surprising that your joints will be affected. I`'ve come to the conclusion that any stressful event can lead to a flare, and they don't come much more stressful than bereavement.

    It's almost three years since my dad died - I was the one who found him & then had to break the news to my sister. After the funeral we couldn't face sorting out his house, (man died 17 years ago) so we simply left it until we felt more able to tackle the clearing and sale of the house.

    My GP prescribed a week's sleeping tablets for me, as I just couldn't sleep, because I kept replaying events over & over in my mind, even though he'd died peacefully. The tablets enabled me to get some rest.

    I hope you can take things more slowly.
  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Just a few more (((()))) Mig
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful replies. I really want to answer each of your notes, they are so thoughtful, kind and full of emotion. I'm afraid to, as I will start up with waterworks again. ((())) It seems many of you have gone through family dramas at these times.

    My Mum's death was traumatic because she fell, had to have an ambulance and never regained consciousness (that's the quick version). My 2nd brother was the one who found her, so was the one most traumatised by it all. He is like me. Thankfully, he is wanting to do things at a snail's pace too and wants to be left in peace, so we are just emailing back and forth for now and leaving each other alone. Brother #1 cannot understand why we are not packing up the house and having it for sale already. Surprise, surprise, he was not close to Mum.....Fortunately, he has flown back home which is a province away. Maybe he could come back and help in a few months...

    I think this week has been the worst so far for emotional upheaval. I can barely walk on feet and ankles this morning and my hands and arms feel wrapped in steel. I was just told my cataract repair is inflamed and I must go on steroids again :? I see the eye surgeon this morning to confirm this. Oh I hope not, steroids really tamper with my emotions and the timing in that department would be very bad. I hate you, psoriatic disease! I know that is pointless, but still.

    Thanks for reading and your kind replies, all appreciated very much.
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,636
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    as I will start up with waterworks again.
    That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - 'emotional' tears are a good way of releasing and removing stress hormones and encouraging endorphins, and given the aggravation you are having on top of the natural grief at your mother's death, I reckon that letting it out might be preferable to bottling it up?
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    There's no need to reply to each of us but Daffy is right. I didn't want to cry for fear of not being able to regain control but I did feel a little better afterwards. I'm glad you'll be able to sort things out at your own pace now. (((hugs)))
    Christine
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Anna I am sorry this is late, and so very sorry to hear you have lost your mum....but you carry on unburdening yourself..and crying is a good release..((())) xx
    Love
    Barbara
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    daffy2 wrote:
    as I will start up with waterworks again.
    That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - 'emotional' tears are a good way of releasing and removing stress hormones and encouraging endorphins, and given the aggravation you are having on top of the natural grief at your mother's death, I reckon that letting it out might be preferable to bottling it up?

    Is it true? I didn't know this, daffy. My version of PsA has made so afraid to feel anything remotely stressful that I haven't wanted to give in to the tears yet.

    Thankfully, the pain is a little better today and, I'm trying steroid eye drops for now. I insisted that I not go on systemic steroids for now.

    Hi Barbara12!
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,636
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    My version of PsA has made so afraid to feel anything remotely stressful that I haven't wanted to give in to the tears yet.
    Now that's an interesting one Boomer. My initial reaction was that it might also be stressful trying to control emotions, but I imagine your approach is the result of experience?
    There are so many factors involved in the way we deal with emotions aren't there? Inherent character type, upbringing, and medical conditions/treatments all play their part, as does the attitude of those around us.
    Ironically I met a friend today who is going through a similar situation to you, so while I was listening to her I was also thinking of you, and wishing things could be better for both you and her.
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Yes, it is from experience. When I was first showing signs of being sick with wrist pain and walloping fatigue, my OH was just terrible about pressuring me and I worked in a job as a receptionist where receptionists were treated very badly and I took lots of overtime because we needed the money. I think back now and the stress was unbearable. I had lost my career job because of the wrist problem and I was battling away to receive benefits for injury because the doctors then told me there was nothing wrong with me. Sorry, I'm trying make this short. Anyway, when I finally had to leave the receptionist job, I got very sick and every little upset just ramped up all the symptoms I was having. I'm much better about the way I handle things now but I still find any really intense emotions tend to make things worse. Being at the hospital with Mum just sent me to bed for days with intense joint pain but I wouldn't really say it was a disease flare.

    I don't revisit this PsA history very often anymore but I will admit to struggling with resentment/bitterness about getting sick. That doesn't let me deal with the present any more positively. I'm tired of re-hashing it, so this fall I'm planning a ceremonial burning of all my papers regarding this time: medical documents and the huge book of papers I have relating to my compensation case. I think this will really help and I'm ready to dump it all of my back (so to speak) now. And, fall is a lovely time for a nice fire, provided we ever get some rain here. It's so dry. It's meant to be kind of like a ceremony I heard about (not sure if it's Buddhist?) where you write things that you feel guilty about on slips of paper and then watch as they burn......There might be a few of those slips added to my fire too. I seem to carry around a lot of guilt about various things that's been added to by being sick all these years now. Of course, I can't change that but the guilt is still there, stupidly.

    I don't really find a good cry makes me feel better at all, just more exhausted. Not that bottling it all up is good either so I'm going to try this pyre of my sickness history and see if that helps. Now I've strayed off the topic of grief for my Mum but I think it ties in because there are so many times I wasn't there to help her in the last ten years because I was flattened with PsA. It seems unjust that this happened and I know she wondered why I wasn't around. Alzheimer's took her ability to remember that I was sick. I feel horrible that she might have felt I had abandoned her or didn't care. There is just no way I can feel better about that right now.

    Oh dear, I'm writing a book here. Thank you for reading my blab, if you've made it this far. I'm not really whining, I'm just hoping if I keep writing about it, one of these times it will finally be the last and I can put it to rest.
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,726
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    To cry or not to cry? I'm with you, Anna. I've cried about five times in my adult life. I don't see the point. Once you've ended up like a wet rag you have to go into reverse and still deal with the situation that caused it.

    To burn or not to burn? Oh yes! Burn away the guilt stuff too. Guilt and resentment are far more crippling than any arthritis. You did what you could and didn't do what you cøuldn't do. Let the burdens go.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,636
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    That sounds like an excellent idea Boomer. Sending all those papers up in smoke would be a very graphic statement of your wish to be shot of all the unhelpful emotional baggage they represent.
    Sending things up in smoke seems to be a very basic human urge down the ages and across different cultures, whether to communicate with deities, the spirit world, or for therapeutic purposes.