Hurt and upset

Slosh
Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
edited 28. Aug 2015, 12:20 in Living with Arthritis archive
As some of you might remember I have mentioned sometimes that my older sister can sometimes be less than understanding. This takes the biscuit though.
I had written to her on a financial matter ( to complex to explain) but basically I have not agreed to do as she has asked in terms of giving part of a legacy to another relative who was not named. I have agreed to give some but also want to share some with my daughter, also not named. In my letter I referred to the issues around my health and the impact of these.
She is quite a bit older than me.

This is part of her reply to me
"I have known by the tone of your voice when you speak to me that it does not seem right you have this disability in your 50's and you probably think it should be me. Nothing can change that. "

I am just incredibly angry and hurt that she thinks I would wish disability on anyone let alone her and yes it doesn't seem right to me, although I know things could be so much worse.

I have replied, calmly, explaining why I am so hurt by this, but I am shocked that she could think I am such a mean person. To be honest I am glad she doesn't live near me and that as she is busy at present and then goes away it will be a while before we talk.
He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
Julian of Norwich

Comments

  • theresak
    theresak Member Posts: 1,998
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I feel for you, Slosh, I really do. Family relationships can be a minefield at times. Things haven't always been plain-sailing between my own sister and me. Basically, being almost nine years younger she was a bit spoiled.

    You have right on your side, from what I can see, so please try not to get too stressed over a very cruel remark. Things said cannot be unsaid, and I can understand your hurt and distress. A bit of space between you is probably a good idea. I hope eventually she will realise what a thoughtless thing she said and have the grace to apologise.

    My sister managed to upset the applecart when it was our Ruby Wedding, a few years ago, and it took a while for me to cool down. Our mother would have been upset,had she been alive, and would have urged me to make peace, which is what happened after a cooling off period.


    Try not to let it get you down.
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you. She's 19 years older than me which is a big difference. I'm not usually the sort of person that holds a grudge and I'm usually quite calm but this really got to me, I think mainly because it makes wonder what kind of a person she thinks I am.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,636
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    It's bad enough she should even think it but to say it is inexcusable. I can't help but think she has more than a few problems if, with that age gap and at her age, she has such an attitude.
    As you say, it's a good thing there is space between you - time for your hurt to lessen. Sadly I can't see her attitude changing after all this time, some people just like nursing grudges and can spend a lifetime making sure they don't wither for lack of attention. Happily for this forum we got the nice sister!
  • theresak
    theresak Member Posts: 1,998
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Slosh, the important thing is that you are NOT the person she thinks you are. You have health problems which you face with strength and not an ounce of self-pity, and it's SHE who is the lesser person for her nasty remark.


    You are your own person and her perception of you is wrong. You may not be able to change that, but that is her loss. Stay strong.
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you both. I've had a tough day today painwise and I wonder if the stress of this has contributed.
    Tomorrow I'm going to visit my daughter and her family so hugs a plenty! My daughter has ME so one of the things I want to with the money is pay for driving lessons for her and her husband and then get them a second hand car as I know that will be a great help to her. Like all of you she understands and is a great support.

    And thank you Daffy2 for descibing me as the "nice" sister. Reading these comments makes me feel like crying.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Siblings can be so cruel at times. I've had problems with mine but have managed to push them to the back of my mind most of the time now. As Theresa said you are not who she thinks you are. I think it is good that you'll be apart for a while and will help you spending time with your daughter. Take care.
    Christine
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,280
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Slosh I really do feel for you..like they say family's you cant choose them, I do hope it can be resolved with out anymore nastiness from your sister..
    Love
    Barbara
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you. I had a lovely day, and I'm just going to sit back and wait and see where my sister is concerned.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • emmaadams
    emmaadams Member Posts: 140
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    oh Slosh i do hope your ok .. i know how overbearing sisters can be i have 3 of them.. luckily im the oldest, but they dont half test my patience at times ..hopefully your sister will see the error in her ways and see how hurtful her words can be ...thinking of you xxx

    Emma xx
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I have to agree with you Slosh. It is hurtful that someone can think you'd wish pain and illness on them, (although I might make an exception for Ian Duncan Smith if only to make him realise how difficult life can be for the sick and disabled).

    These are her words and not yours and I'm hoping she now knows the thought never crossed your mind.

    Elizabeth x
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you, I haven't heard back from her yet, I was half expecting to come back from spa break to a letter from her, or from her husband or daughter. I would love to know if she told anyone at her Church about this and if so what their reaction was!
    She goes away next week on holiday so I don't expect to hear back before she returns. I have a feeling she is waiting for me to apologise to her.

    Ho hum....
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich