Am I depressed??

lizzieuk1

Hi all its been ages since I posted mainly as I had twins 17 months ago so been rather chaotic her with 3 little ones to look after!
As predicted my ra flared after birth and I'm now on rituximab- I think it's helping I feel about 50 percent better but not as good as after a depo steroid. However I'm really struggling to keep upbeat, I am obv v tired with the kids and ra to deal with but previously I've always been a cup half full type. Things are just getting me down, I feel a bit dispondent I have to use blue badge parking to take my eldest to school and I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it as it sort of makes me stand out since no one else can go in the car park bar staff, didn't help the office staff were less than supportive when u asked to park there I mean I'd love to walk everyday but it's just too much pushing the twins and walking there and back so I don't have much choice. It's not easy mind I have to get them in the car out the car into buggy then back in car whilst I drop my 5 year old off, u think maybe this parking thing and me not managing the walk has set off my poor acceptance of my ra again. After 12 years I thought I was ok with it but actually I don't think I am and I'm feeling v sad about loosing my 'old' life my family are great supports but obv don't truly understand it all. I'm not sure if I'm depressed though and if I am really what to do I mean the ra is here to stay and the thought of anti depressants is not nice,
any advice?
Thanks x

theresak

First of all, I`m not surprised you feel low - it can`t be easy coping with RA, twins, and a youngster. I take my hat off to you!

You need your Blue Badge, but I understand what you are saying about it making you stand out - the reality is that if you didn`t need it you wouldn`t have it, and there will always be people who look askance when a young person uses a disabled bay. That`s their shortcoming, not yours, so try not to worry about anyone`s reaction.

I do think that now and again the fact that RA is chronic & incurable is brought home to us by some small thing - something we find we can`t do, or something for which we need help. RA isn`t going to go away, but you are doing a wonderful job bringing up three children, coping with Rituximab and ongoing pain, so you are allowed to have a bad patch.

I`m pleased your family are supportive, but sometimes it`s good to talk to others who really `get` what you are going through. Anti-depressants could well help - perhaps it would be a good idea to have a chat with your GP. He/she may well advise a course of anti-depressants even in the short term, to help you over this `dip.` You shouldn`t have to struggle through if there is help available.

You are bound occasionally to grieve for the kind of life you lost - but the life you have can be fulfilling too, with your lovely children. They will grow up knowing how hard you`ve worked in spite of having an often-debilitating disease, and they will be proud of you.

Take care, & do post again,

Tezz x

stickywicket

Well, the fact that you need to ask that question says that something is out of kilter, lizzieuk1. And no wonder. You have RA. You have three small children. You have, not too long ago, given birth. You have started new meds. Any one of those things could get down a lesser person. You are, in my opinion, doing extremely well but under intensely difficult circumstances and maybe (I have no qualifications for jumping to this conclusion) the main problem is accepting quite how much you are battling.

I remember being a young Mum with RA and it was tough though I only had two children and not twins. I think the desire to be the same as other Mums while very clearly being different is hard to deal with. People don't get it. You are young. You look OK. And, I think one ends up trying to live up to their skewed perspective and feeling a failure when it fails to happen.

The school run sounds a nightmare. I just couldn't manage to get one toddler in and out of the car let alone two so anything I did I had to do on foot. Luckily I had local shops. As for getting the elder one to the school bus – I had to let my lovely neighbour do it. Yes, I felt I should be there for him but I couldn't be. End of.

Maybe your 'poor acceptance' of the RA is holding you back from accepting help. We all need help. Like many (if not most) I flared badly after both births and, frankly, without my Mum & Dad, not to metion the lovely Mr SW, I don't know how I'd have managed. There are times when the old British stiff upper lip is a huge handicap and truths must be told. You don't have to whine or weep, just explain the difficulties and accept any help offered.

I honestly don't know whether or not your problem is depression or emotional overload or a bit of both. Remember hormones take some time to settle down after a birth even for those without arthritis. You are going through a tough patch. Why not try talking it out with our Helpline people. I always think talking things over with someone who is a good listener helps me to work out my own views on things.

dibdab

Hello Lizzie,

I just wanted to send some positive thoughts and hugs (((( )))))). You are doing a tremendously important job parenting your 3 little ones, it's a tough ask for folks not coping with RA and you're managing with it. Please don't feel that you have to stagger on unsupported, your medical carers are there to offer help and support, maybe it's worth chatting to your GP, or health visitor if you have one. I'd encourage you to accept any help that's offered, medical or practical. I had twins over 30 years ago, and didn't have RA back then, and there were days when I melted into puddles of tears because it all felt so overwhelming and I didn't think I could manage, at that time I had lots of help from my family, and my own godmother who would come every week and clean the house, do the ironing and bring home made cake.....it somehow made life more bearable. Don't worry about what others say, only you know what it's like struggling to walk in your shoes, they are lucky they don't have to try it!
Take care, and keep unloading here, at least it's amongst those who've walked some way in shoes similar to your own. xxxxxxx

PetiteN

Hi Lizzie,

I'm sorry to hear that you have so much to juggle, that would be very challenging for anyone, and I agree with others that you are doing well just carrying on with all of that.

I'm struggling with low mood and stress myself at the moment, and I'm a counsellor, we all need support sometimes.

Have you ever had, or considered accessing a talking therapy? (Counselling or psychotherapy).
You don't have to have a definitive idea of whether or not you're depressed to access counselling, the idea of it is that it's there so that people can have an outlet and work on steps forward, whenever life gets difficult in whatever way.

Some local Mind organisations offer counselling, the information can be found on their website online. Ive worked for Mind in the past, theyre a great organisation for support and information.
A website called the counselling directory also can be used to locate local counsellors and therapists. I just wondered if it may be worth a try rather than the medication route. It might at least help you to explore exactly how you're feeling, rather than jumping straight into trying medication.

Sending you warm wishes,

N

LignumVitae

I think you are amazing - I say that with just twins and no older child. Arthritis does get under your skin when you think you are all sorted. I think it's partly because it never quite feels like you are in control. Add to that the chaos of three small children and wow, that's a lot of uncertainty which can be so hard to handle. Have you considered PND as another possible cause? If I was you I think I would chat with my GP, it's great you have identified the change in your outlook and are questioning it. Hats off to you for all you are doing at the moment (((())))

lizzieuk1

Thankyou all so much for your kind replies. I am tearful just reading them and I think I've been bottling things up for ages, I think my reluctance to talk to my gp- who I have a great rapport with, is perhaps because I know I'll end up in tears and that will mean me admitting I'm not really coping as well as I'd like and end up crumbling into a heap which is really not an option with my family to care for, silly I know but I'm not one to give in easily so it's really against my nature. This darn disease has taken so much from me and I'm sure u all feel the same when I say it's a never ending battle! I suppose regarding it as a battle is highlighting my lack of acceptance at the moment and perhaps I need to work on that a little, to sort of make peace with myself and find a way forward again.
You're right though I have a lot to be thankful for my chldren are adorable, trying too! But I feel very lucky to have had the chance to be a mum. I have thought about counselling but would have to look into it a bit more and work out how I can fit sessions into our chaotic time schedule! I agree it is def preferable to the drug route and I'm sure it would help me move forward.
I have great friends and family but really feel they've had enough of my moaning and I feel guilty loading them with my misery, I am very grateful for this forum as it has been a real tonic over the years. Thankyou. Xx

emmaadams

Hi Lizzieuk1 there's not much more i can say that the others already haven suggested ...I do think however you are doing a fantastic job looking after 3 children whilst coping with RA ..i have 2 boys (9and 5) they are wonderful and also a hand full especially my youngest who loves to climb !! i know how tiring it can be with just the 2 let alone twins and a youngster too , is there anyone who could help out with the School runs ?? my OH takes my boys to school as its to far for me to walk

i hope you have a good talk with your GP and get something sorted soon whether it be counselling or mild medication as each one is different and have different side effects .. what one person might find ok, another wont ..

Emma x

daffy2

Just a thought and I don't know if it's possible for you, but might it be possible for another mum or a member of staff to take your eldest in from the car to save you having to do the twins and buggy shuffle, or perhaps for someone to sit with your twins while you take your 5 year old in?
I think you're doing a great job and I'm not surprised that you're feeling down at the moment, just getting through each day must be a major achievement. I do hope that before too long things start to improve and you don't feel quite so overwhelmed.

PetiteN

Hi Lizzie,

We all have our limits and it's ok to admit that you're struggling.. I appreciate what you said about admitting that you're not coping as well as you'd like, that resonates with me and I remember feeling like that, but sometimes we can put too much pressure on ourselves to be 'super human'.
For me, I found that admitting I was struggling rather than just pushing and pushing myself (because I'd always described myself as a fighter) was a real turning point, and realising that we all have our limits and that that's ok.
I explored alot of that in counselling, and learnt the importance of self care.

I realise I'm a little biased, (re: the counselling) but I think I can relate to some extent, as can others on here, that sometimes you get to that point when enough is enough and you need more support.

I'm glad you find this forum helpful, I think it's great :-) having returned to it recently myself.

Warm hugs x

stickywicket

You are a Mum of 3 small children and have RA. That involves an incredible – but, for you, routine - amount of pain and juggling and prioritising and sheer hard graft every day. You are already Superwoman. Don't make life any harder for yourself than it has to be.