Need to share my frustration and have a rant!

TrishaW Member Posts: 109
edited 2. Dec 2015, 04:30 in Living with Arthritis archive
This may seem a weird one to be upset about, but it's really got to me....

My nephew has just announced he's getting married at Easter -fab news.
The problem is the wedding will be in Texas (a 10 hour flight away) as his girlfriend is Texan.

I immediately said I was sorry but I couldn't go (even a short flight floors me, plus the travelling once we arrive etc, plus we'd only be there a few days as my husband can't get much time off work. My pain and fatigue would be dreadful).

I feel very sad to be missing it but know it's not realistic (plus I'm having more foot surgery in January) He's going to have a UK do at some point anyway.

However my family (who should know by now what I'm like) are saying "I'm sure you could manage "etc etc as if I'm being awkward, compounding my distress.
Of course I'd go if I felt I could manage! I'm so upset I can't!

The same day my sister emailed me to suggest we went to India for 2 weeks in 2017....arghhhhh!!!! As if!!!

I can only just handle a weekend in the UK with someone else driving me, short journeys, comfy beds and being able to lie down when I need to!

I know everyone means well and are trying to be kind, but I'm so upset having to say 'no' and sounding ungrateful/ awkward/lazy/moany etc etc

Sorry....rant over

Trisha xxx


  • TrishaW
    TrishaW Member Posts: 109
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00 it'll cost a fortune... (forgot to mention that!)......
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh how frustrating! I know how difficult things like this can be. I have a brother who just doesn't believe my arthritis is as bad as I say it is. It's so difficult but I try to just ignore any comments now and continue with my routine and what's best for me. I feel selfish but I don't care because I know I'm not. The costs of over doing things for others' sake far outweigh the benefits. Mostly, things carry on without me and I'm fine with that.

    Did he consider having the wedding in the UK for your sake?

    Take care of yourself first.
  • TrishaW
    TrishaW Member Posts: 109
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks Boomer

    I think because I look well and generally seem upbeat people forget that I'm struggling.

    Also I'm a nurse and was always the person in the family that looked after everyone else.

    I actually just had to retire on Ill Health on tier 2 so am feeling extra sensitive at the moment too.

    Your reply has really helped :)
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,636
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I don't think it's a weird one to be upset about. It's always sad not to be able to make an important family gathering you want to be at, but when it's due to a condition that has already changed and limited the way you live your life that makes it doubly hard.
    We all come up against the problem that others don't understand our difficulties, and fatigue and pain are not seen as 'valid' reasons for not doing something. Also I suspect that in situations like this sometimes they make comparisons with those dramatic stories of desperately ill people who manage to fly round the world for some emotional re-union or to swim with dolphins or whatever and think 'well if they can manage with all that's wrong why can't she?'
    At least with all the technology available now you should be able to 'see' the ceremony and festivities.
  • emmaadams
    emmaadams Member Posts: 140
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    i would be upset too .. and rightly so .. have they even considered what the flight in itself would be like for you ??? they obviously know about your health conditions so i dont understand why the rest of your Family are trying to make you feel guilty ... you have a valid reason for not being able to Attend the wedding .. im sure your over the moon that they ARE getting married... its not like you have just turned around and said No not going it too far or im not paying for a flight as some people do .. you have a legitimate reason .. and if they are going to have a family get together here in the UK some time after then i dont see why they should be all that bothered ... and if you are having more surgery in january then they have to allow time for that to heal and any possible complications... i am sure you wont be the ONLY person who cant make it ...

    and yes paying for a trip like that would cost a fortune ... some people just need to be selfish every now and then .. dont let them make you feel guilty into going ...

    hope you feel a bit better about it all soon xxx
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I can see why you are upset and I also understand the frustration of having what feels like deaf ears all around. My brother moved to Nee York a few years back and the easiest way, in the end, to finally get the message that we wouldn't be visiting him (a shorter flight but add in two toddlers and it may as well be 24 hours the hell it would cause) was just to not renew my passport. I still haven't and it's sort of liberating. Add in the cost and I save much money by not having the abroad option.

    From the other side of the fence, my husband is Australian and we were married here. I totally understood that just three members of his family joined us and was actually really surprised that they could be there so I'm sure the wedding party will understand.

    Anna has it right, just do what you need to do and don't worry about what others think.
  • TrishaW
    TrishaW Member Posts: 109
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks everyone for 'getting it' .....feeling supported :)
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Just wanted to echo what everyone else has said. My nephew got married in Australia several years ago, they had wanted to wait and marry here but his wife couldn't get a visa unles they were married. Only his Father was able to attend as colleagues covered his lectures but his Mother wasn't able to. The following year when back in the UK they had another big celebration and she wore her dress again.

    There are times when we have to be selfish and put our needs first, never easy, but that's just reality .

    Make your apologies, then once they have their plans made for a celebration here find the best hotel you can near to the venue.
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,219
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    We can't live our lives in a forlorn attempt to fulfill others unrealistic expectations of us. Indeed, the more we try the more unrealistic their expectations will become. We have to bite the bullet, explain the facts and move on. Some won't understand, determinedly so. But that's their problem, not ours. Give them the facts and leave them to deal with it.

    I fly to LA every year to see my son and grandson.  I got back last week. There are ways and means of mitigating the problems (even flight costs) but the crucial element for me would be the timescale. 'A few days' is for young, healthy people. Even without the additional physical stress of a wedding I'd want an absolute, bottom line minimum of a week for flying to Texas. Chuck in the wedding and I'd make it two weeks.

    It can be very difficult to say no to people, especially if they have long got used to you saying yes. Think of your 'no' as a muscle that requires exercise. There's no need to moan or make a song and dance about things. If you can't, reasonably, do them you can't. End of. And you are the best judge of that.
  • bubbadog
    bubbadog Member Posts: 5,544
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I can understand how you feel, the fact he didn't even mention it before it was all arranged! I thought close relatives like brothers & Sisters are supposed to share everything!! Sorry I know what it's like as my own Mother and sister assume that what's wrong with me is like a bruise or something and after a little rest it will clear up! I have given up saying to them 'this is a life long illness and I will deteriorate!' They must assume I brought my stairlift because I'm lazy. Sorry rant over!
    It's such a shame because it's put you in a bad decision, let alone the pain and suffering you would suffer trying to get to Texas let alone the cost it!
  • slomo
    slomo Member Posts: 180
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Trisha,
    Really just echo-ing what the others have said. (I seem to have been chasing my tail this week or would have commented sooner). If you cant do it, you cant do it.
    I can empathise a bit with your frustration with your family not understanding. A few years ago we had booked a few days in Edinburgh which would give us a break and also allow us to attend OH's aunt's 90th birthday lunch. We didn't even take up the offer of cancellation insurance as clearly nothing was going to go wrong!!. OH was taken into hospital several weeks before the event with suspected appendicitis which turned-out to be a perforated bowel and he had about 10ins of bowel removed. His two cousins kept phoning asking if we were still coming to Edinburgh and just not getting it through their heads that the journey by any means of transport would be too much for OH let alone sitting in company eating a meal. (we were still at the recovery stage where every meal involved copious burps) I was so frustrated with them and still cant understand how otherwise sensible people couldn't take on board what we saying.

    Is it possible to Skype the wedding service or some such thing so that you can sort-of be there?
    Make sure they give you plenty of notice for the UK 'do' so you can start 'banking' energy for it. (Would be great if we could that wouldn't it?)

  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,219
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    How are you feeling about it all now, Trisha? Did you decide definitely not to go? Did you manage to tell your family?
  • TrishaW
    TrishaW Member Posts: 109
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Yes Stickywicket, I've decided I'm not going and that it's best to say that now rather than keep saying 'maybe'
    My nephew seems is fine about it and they will definately have a party in the UK in the summer that I can go to.
    I've also found out that the wedding is a long way from the airport so there would have been hours in a car after hours on the plane.
    My husband has stopped asking me now and seems to have accepted he will be going without me (it's his side of the family and his closest nephew)
    I feel sad that I can't go , but don't feel as guilty about it as I did initially, and think maybe people understand a bit better now.
    Trisha x
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,219
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Guilt is a useless emotion and, if people understand better, you may have done yourself a big favour.

    Your husband might quite enjoy himself on his own. For years Mr SW used to go on walking holidays in France with some friends and my sister stayed with me. I think we both felt bad about being apart when the time came but we both enjoyed our 'holidays from each other' and it actually did us good.

    If you were anxious to go there would probably be a nearer airport but that would mean another connection and more money. My son sometimes asks why we fly to LAX (about an hour down the freeway) not Burbank. Answer £100 each. :lol: