What to do

loopylou
loopylou Member Posts: 175
edited 20. Feb 2017, 15:16 in Community Chit-chat archive
Hello i've been a member for a while but not been on much recently, just want some advice really non arthritis related, recently I have been feeling incredibly lonely even when surrounded by people, I'm not close to anyone at work in fact it's pretty clear that they just kind of tolerate me as none of them came to my wedding reception 3 wks ago and none of them asked how my wedding went or even how my Xmas and new yr was. I'm a v shy person and I struggle in social situations, I feel like I'm an outsider as I didn't grow up round here I'm not into the same sort of things they r and I'm older than them. I don't no how to approach it, do I look for another job although I do love my job and risk still having no friends and not liking the new job or do I stay where I am and just hope things change?
I have no one else really to talk to about this as I don't have any friends outside of work either.
Just keep plodding along singing a song

Comments

  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,282
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Blimey! Most of us are still going on about recovery from Christmas and / or New Year but you have also added a wedding to the list :o:D I guess it must be lovely to be married in time for Christmas but you must be shattered both physically and emotionally, loopylou. Well done you for surviving it all! You must be very resilient.

    All these things, in addition to being exhausting, are 'highs'. In my experience highs are usually followed by lows. Sometimes I can see no reason for the low. Indeed, sometimes I can berate myself because I've had such a lovely time yet am now feeling sorry for myself for no good reason I can pinpoint. It doesn't matter. Things are as they are and we feel what we feel. However, knowing that this is just part of a natural cycle which will soon pass does help.

    If you're shy and have never found it easy to make friends it's to your credit that you persist in a job where fellow workers are neither in your own age group nor sharing the same interests. I really wouldn't be too upset, though, if none had come to the wedding reception. It's such a busy time for everyone. As for asking about how it, or your Christmas went, did you ask how theirs went? It's all too easy, when we're shy, to wait for others to make the first approach but most people are happy to talk about themselves, in a general, non-intrusive way, if asked.

    Sometimes, if people have lived in an area all their lives, they can be a bit cliquey. Sometimes they don't even mean to be so but, because they have so much shared background, it can seem like this to an outsider and can be a bit intimidating to try to break in.

    I think, in your situation, I might research similar jobs, as you clearly like the work, but, at the same time, I'd also try to just befriend my current work colleagues and, show an interest in any area that we had in common or where I might be able to help with information, no matter how trivial. And keep a sort of tally of the way things have gone right. It's all to easy to fall into the trap of noticing only the difficulties.

    I do hope things improve for you. Keep talking to us. And, in my 48th year of marriage, I hope yours is as good as ours, despite all the inevitable blips along the way :D
    "The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." Kahlil Gibran
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I no I'm my own worse enemy really I didn't ask them how their Xmas and new yr was but I had a lot on my mind at the time as my grandad was really Ill in hospital so was more worried about receiving a call from my parents which I didn't want to receive (unfortunately I received said call last Fri am God rest his soul :( ) we had a low key wedding so it was no problem really having it at Xmas, it was the day after we broke up for Xmas so there was still a wk (well just less) to sort Xmas out and it was a lovely day albeit quite cold! I no they prob don't realise they r doing it, they r nice people and we do all work well in the team I just feel a bit left out, they plan nites out and I don't get invited which is quite upsetting.
    And thank u we've been together just over seven yrs so think we're gonna b fine in married life. I'm looking forward to all our yrs together as husband and wife :)
    Just keep plodding along singing a song
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,109
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello loopylou
    SW has given you some good advice there, I think when you are a shy person, its easy to put out the wrong vibes,maybe try to be more approachable..its not easy but will come with practice
    And I think that you are hitting a low after all the organizing of the wedding and Christmas, but sometimes you can be in a job were the people aren't that friendly so maybe its times to look further a field
    Just be kind to yourself ..I do hope things improve very soon x
    Love
    Barbara
  • judijudi
    judijudi Member Posts: 8
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi loopylou, sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate very well, having moved around all my life and never quite fitting in. The biggest move was 21 years ago when I left the US to visit my now hubby, but the most gruelling was recently moving 200 miles south (that's the good part) in 2014 due my husband being made redundant 2 weeks before Christmas. Was a blessing in disguise!

    Congratulations on your marriage, and for making the effort to try to make your job work. If you ever need a sympathetic ear, feel free to PM me.

    Having a Trapeziectomy [emoji51] tomorrow, so please forgive me if I don't reply very quickly.

    Judi

    Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,558
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I feel for you, I too am shy but as the years have passed (and I've grown older) I have realised that for people to be interested in me I need to show an interest in them; if I don't why should they bother with me?

    The current Mr DD and me were together for nine years before we married and ours was a very low-key wedding - 12 people including us. Fitting in with others is over-rated - don't be a sheep, be yourself but don't forget to chat to those around you; I believe it makes a difference to the quality of life. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,282
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    So there is also all the worries and tears about your Grandad to add to the mix, loopylou. You must have been under a tremendous amount of stress and inner turmoil although you make light of it.

    Do you have any interests outside work where you might make friends?
    "The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." Kahlil Gibran
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,713
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I sympathise with your shyness problems as I too struggle with social situations, even sometimes when I am with familiar people.
    It's possible that your colleagues also feel ill at ease and don't know how to relate to you. If you are older than them they may assume that you're not interested in their interests and so won't try to include you. Shy people can come across as a bit aloof or stand-offish or not interested in other people sometimes as well. This isn't criticism, just bitter experience from years of misunderstandings! Do you make eye contact, smile and say hello when you come in to work? No need to start a conversation but it makes an opportunity to exchange a few words if others are so inclined.
    By all means look into alternative job opportunities but bear in mind that you will still have to deal with you shyness making it hard to interact with other people so it may not necessarily be a solution. You have had a lot to deal with recently, but at least you have a husband to help you and be company outside of work.
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    thank you for all the kind words and advice. i'll try to answer everyone now.
    Barbara12 i know what you mean about giving out the wrong vibes, i think sometimes things i've said have been taken the wrong way or taken out of context at work. i do try to interact with them i get a few words out of them all but nothing more. i hope things improve soon too.
    judijudi even if i didn't move from my hometime i'd prob still b in the same situation as i didnt really have any friends as such back there even at school i just had 1 or 2 ppl i hung round with, think it all stems from everytime i made friends with someone they ended up moving areas plus i was bullied so noone really wanted to be my friend. thank you for the congratulations, i will keep that in mind if i ever need to talk about anything.
    DD i do try to join in with things they talk about but its difficult when they seem to have all these connections from coming from the same area, dont think my alternative music interest helps neither does the fact that i don't really watch a lot of tv as not interested in "reality tv" or talent shows or soaps so i've already alienated myself through all that. i don't intend to be a sheep i am my own person.
    Stickywicket i have had a lot on my plate recently, all my interest are more solitary ones as i enjoy reading doing puzzles and gaming, this stems from when i was younger and not having friends as such so had to entertain myself as my bro's had friends and went out and played with them.
    daffy2 yes i'm the same if there is a large group of people i tend to be quiet as i don't know what to say or how to join in with the convo again even with familiar people although i am a bit better with them than i am with strangers, i do smile and say hello when i go in don'r get much back off them and we cant really stand around chatting as we have a room full of children to supervise and entertain. this is what i worry about if i did look for another job, yes people have said i have a good'un in my husband he is pretty amazing with how much he has to deal with with me sometimes.
    think i've answered most of the things everyone was saying. i am going to keep trying to talk to my colleagues to get somewhere with them and improve the situation, in the meantime i will just plod along and hope for the best.
    Just keep plodding along singing a song
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,109
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello loopylou
    I think you really needed to get all this out, so now you can move forward, who knows you might have to apply for a new job, but at least you have met them half way..and its there loss they could have had a good Friend in you
    And dont worry about the vibes I am the same...things dont always sound like I meant them to...good luck
    Love
    Barbara
  • bubbadog
    bubbadog Member Posts: 5,544
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Loopylou, I'm sorry you feel so alone, I believe Arthritis can alienate people, others may not know what to say to you. If you come forward and make yourself approachable. Maybe just a 'good morning' or 'Hi' to people that does break the ice. I'm one of these people who will say 'Hi' to anyone and on holidays people are shocked at first that this woman in a wheelchair is friendly but it opens you up to people saying hello to you. Hi Loopylou!
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,282
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Children can be brutal pack animals and it can take a great deal of effort and determination to overcome the scars of childhood. Just remember it was they who had the problems, not you, loopylou.

    It can sometimes be hard to find common ground with work colleagues. Maybe the children you all care for?
    "The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." Kahlil Gibran
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you again everyone for the advice and support. I did have a bit of a convo with someone at work and is was about the children like stickywicket suggests, we had travel agents out as roleplay one child playing there was selling a holiday to Disney for £3 the convo was about the fact that we'd wanna book thru that agents, it was brief but it was something at least!
    Hi bubbadog! I do greet them with a hello and good morning but don't get far with it.
    Just keep plodding along singing a song
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,713
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I do greet them with a hello and good morning but don't get far with it.
    Maybe not, but at least you've done your bit, and it's a good habit to have.
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    So sorry to hear about your Grandad.

    Congratulations on your recent marriage. You said you did invite them to the reception but for many this is a busy and expensive time of year so try not to take it to heart.

    Other people can really spoil your work or school days and I think its difficult to regain confidence when you've been through such experiences. Its easier to hide away and be low key in order not to face (usually unjustified ) criticism. But you have to focus on the good and believe in yourself as often in my experience it is jealousy and lack of communication that cause the problems.

    Now I'd much rather have a conversation about alternative music rather than so-called talent shows and soaps!

    Elizabeth x
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Daffy2 i have always said hello or good morning or afternoon i am a polite nice person, as i said i do get a response but not much else.
    tkachev thank you on both counts i was devastated about my grandad (still am) and i'm enjoying married life but didnt expect anything otherwise, we've been together 4 over 7 yrs so think we we'll carry on just as great as we always have been :) what got me about them not coming tho is that the weeks beforehand a few of them mentioned my wedding reception and songs they were gonna request from the dj plus 1 asked for an invite again as she lost hers and didnt know where to go.
    i've never really been a confident person probably thru being bullied and being overweight since childhood (not now tho i've worked hard for the past 3 yrs and lost a lot of weight, 1st time in my life i'm a good weight and clothes size :) )
    dont think the lack of communication has helped much your right, as i've said before think some things i have said have been taken the wrong way.
    i absolutely hate the 'talent' shows particularly the singing ones their all about pop music, if there was a rock one i'd b more interested but dont think there ever will be one as people with the better music taste wont sell out to all these sort of shows and dont even get me started on soaps!

    on another note things are seeming a bit better at work some of them seem to be talking to me a bit more plus we may end up with new staff if i'm right on a couple of things about the staff we have, one is looking at university courses online she revealed it on a social site and another one may end up leaving in 7-8 months time if i've picked up the right things on the clues shes given.

    loopy
    Just keep plodding along singing a song
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Again not bin on 4 a while, things have definitely improved at work, I was right about us getting new staff. 1 left to pursue a different career and 2 r on maternity leave! We have a lovely team at work now we've gelled well :) b nice if it continues once the 2 return from maternity. Here's hoping!!!
    Just keep plodding along singing a song
  • daffy2
    daffy2 Member Posts: 1,713
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Good to hear that things have improved for you. Feeling more secure within the team now will make it easier for you to cope with any changes that might arise when the maternity leave is over. Group dynamics always change in such circumstances(you may well not be the only one feeling happier !) and then there is the question mark over return to work - not everyone does come back(even if that was the intention originally) so there may be new staff. Interesting times; I hope the positive continues to outweigh the negative for you.
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Your right Daffy about staff feeling happier, after chatting with my work colleagues I found out that one of the members of staff currently on maternity leave made them feel like they could do no right sometimes with how she spoke to them and a manager from one of the other clubs has said that the one currently covering the maternity leave is much more approachable.
    The past few wks has shown just how much we've now all gelled as I've been going through a flair up recently they've all been V supportive offering help and telling me to ask for help if it all gets too much for me. I just hope it does all continue (the support and the camaraderie of course not the the flair up lol) once the maternity leave is over for the other 2 members of staff!
    Just keep plodding along singing a song