20 (alleged) Zen Teachings

stickywicket Member Posts: 27,731
edited 8. Mar 2016, 10:45 in Community Chit-chat archive
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our **** ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright


  • theresak
    theresak Member Posts: 1,998
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00

    I particularly like nos twelve and fifteen.

    No.3 reminds me of when we took Year Sevens to Boulogne for some 'French' experience. They had to keep a diary, and one child wrote : " On the way to Dover we stopped at some motorway services, and even the teachers went to the toilets." We couldn't stop laughing!
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thankyou SW for a brilliant read..very thought provoking... :lol:
  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    3 12 20. Noticed where my humour is ! Mig
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :lol::lol::lol::lol: What a great way to start the day, thank you Sticky!
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Love them
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you Sticky. All very true and thanks for reminding me I was supposed to pay a bill a couple of days ago. Looks like someone will be trying to find out if I'm dead. Oops.
  • ScottiePam
    ScottiePam Member Posts: 32
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :lol: Yes, very witty, but Zen again, food for thought :wink: