I have a 'Pooh Bear catcher'

stickywicket
stickywicket Member Posts: 27,697
edited 17. May 2016, 12:06 in Living with Arthritis archive
Well, actually, three. And, actually, not 'Pooh Bear catchers' but I didn't think the official term for them would get past the AC censorship. Officially, there is no 'Bear'. And no 'h'.

They arrived in the post this morning courtesy of my local council and, no, it's not my birthday. They are for use along with the Bowel Cancer Testing Kit which arrived last Friday.

If you don't know what a BC Testing Kit is count yourself lucky. And young. I'm now on my third. They arrive at regular intervals once you hit a certain age and, each time, I work very hard at being grateful that I live in a country that takes such good care of me, for free, and regularly tests me for all sorts of things I don't yet have and hope not to acquire.

I usually fail at being grateful, if not at the first sample then definitely by the third. (Three separate samples taken on three separate days is the rule. And return them to the lab by the fourteenth day after opening the kit. This is not for the faint-hearted. Or the constipated.) The Bowel Cancer Testing Kit is the pits. I won't go into unsavoury detail but, despite being totally pain-free, it has to qualify as one of the biggest faffs known to us ancients. And it is not designed with arthritic hands in mind.

Which probably explains why my local council has kindly (You see? I really am trying to be grateful) designed the 'Pooh Bear catcher' (fully biodegradable and flushable) and sent it to me along with the gloves (latex free). Actually, it has sent three of each, in separate packets, each bearing six diagrams of exactly how I should use my Pooh Bear catcher just in case I was thinking of playing hoop-la or frisbee with it.

Gloves? My hands don't do gloves. Or, should I say, gloves don't do my hands. Gloves tend to have boringly straight fingers and come with an assumption that my own, equally straight, fingers will go where they're shoved. They aren't and won't. I have Yorkshire fingers. They do their own thing and will not be coerced into any pre-conceived pattern. And will definitely not stay there. The gloves – any gloves - will just hang, like udders, off the end of my fingers, most of which will have squashed themselves, convivially, into two, or possibly three, apertures. Gloves, latex free or otherwise, are out. Cling film is more like it.

As if the sport of triple Pooh Bear juggling (sorry, 'catching') isn't enough excitement for one week, I have the dentist, for an extraction on Thursday morning and, on Thursday afternoon, I can pick up my surgical shoe and see what havoc the orthotist has wreaked with it this time. How on earth do young, fit people cope with the predictable, routine dullness of their lives?

Get RA! Hit 70! You really never know what the postman will bring next :wink:
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright

Comments

  • Sharon2960
    Sharon2960 Member Posts: 329
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    There's a new test they're rolling out now - still have to play pooh sticks when you get to 60 though! The new test involves a diy enema (sorry to anyone who's eating whilst reading lol!), then a visit to outpatients to have a camera carefully inserted for a look around! Oh what fun!
  • theresak
    theresak Member Posts: 1,998
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    What a brilliant post, SW!! I can't imagine what dull and boring lives we must have had before we reached the ' coming of age' for the various screening procedures to which we are now entitled.

    I don't know how we cope with all the excitement!
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I got my pooh bear kit a couple of months ago. I didn't get a pooh bear catcher though. Oh what fun it was. Can't wait till next year. The new test you mention Sharon, sounds exciting. I'll look forward to that. :swim-shark:
    Christine
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You have a wonderful way with words Stickywicket (and I bet it won't only be your wicket that ends up sticky after the necessary faff). Thank you for a very entertaining post! I think I might start shaving some years off my age (to go with the whiskers on my chinny-chin-chin). DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Just want to echo what DD wrote and to wish you luck!

    All I ca think of now is Pooh andhis friends playing a new variation of "Pooh sticks", and not one A A Milne ever had in mind I'm sure.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,697
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Well, that was a rather disappointing gift.

    I repaired to the loo yesterday evening with a whole portfolio of gifts – my Pooh Bear catcher and latex free gloves pack, my Pooh sticks pack, my haemi card and, of course, my instruction booklet. I, very carefully, balanced the lot on top of the - thankfully new and thick – loo roll. Ours is a separate loo and lacks a coffee table, magazine rack or any other surface capable of holding such equipment other than the top of the tank which slopes a bit and is slidey and has let me down in the past when trusted with a simple holding task. Besides, once seated, I can't reach it anyway.

    I removed the contents of my latest pack, thoughtfully unsealed so easy enough for arthritic hands. I then gasped in amazement at what appeared to be a very dull party hat for an elephant with a very large head. How on earth could I hold this in one hand (so as not to contaminate it in any way) while, with the other hand, removing my raised loo seat so that the party hat could be arranged over and under it?

    The short answer was that I couldn't. I need two hands at the best of times to get the seat off for cleaning and this was not the best of times. I also had misgivings about the assurance that the party hat was fully biodegradable and could, after use, just be flushed down the loo. They obviously didn't know our loo, a rather curmudgeonly old chap and definitely antagonistic towards elephant detritus.

    So, I resorted to the now familiar tried-and-not-exactly-trusted method of 'catch it if you can'. It wasn't fun. It wasn't pretty. But it was achieved. One down; two to go.

    The good news is that the booklet says I only get these until I'm 75. Presumably, I'm then expected to shuffle seamlessly off this mortal coil and leave the Pooh Bear catchers to younger, fitter folk. Thank God for that!

    Sharon – I knew the NHS was short of cash but a DIY enema? How many arthritic hands does that require? Should I apply in advance for the job of my next knee revision?
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Only you could take such a subject and turn it into something quite so funny! I'm guessing you didn't giggle through the process though. I hope the next two pooh bear catcher events are easier, what now you are practiced at it.

    Are you sure it was an elephant hat? I'm guessing it was a heffalump hat...not that I have been reading lots and lots of Winnie the Pooh for the last three years.
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,336
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oooh lovely Stickywicket!!! :shock:

    I hope all is well and your Pooh sticks produce the 'right' result :)

    They get 'em at 50 in Scotland I think. I think we ought to here too. If not younger. I suppose it's not economic :roll:

    Well done for succeeding in the task :)

    Toni xxx