Long time lurker, first time poster here. I'm 30 years old and i was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis just over 5 years ago but have probably been suffering for much longer before diagnosis. Since my initial diagnosis i have gotten worse and worse with barely any relief from medication and treatment, which i would class as non effective DMARD therapy. I also suffer with chronic, almost debilitating IBS. This has seemed to get worse in the same pattern as the arthritis. My daily life is a struggle and i'm in some degree of pain everyday. If its not bones or joints giving me trouble, its the cramping and tummy ache from IBS. Some days it's a double whammy. Most days i am unbelievably fatigued and the most tired I've ever felt in my life. I'm completely drained physically and emotionally.
Just around the time of diagnosis i met a wonderful girl who brought a great deal of light into my life. When we met i explained my condition, which at the time wasn't too bad but still hard work. She has watched me get worse and worse and witnessed the depression, the frustration and the struggle i have. Although she has been there for me i feel she never truly understood just how much distress these conditions have put me in. I've had to give up on things i love doing as it is too painful on my hands and joints. I've had to give up on my music and playing because of the pain. Something i dearly loved and enjoyed.
We were engaged to marry later this year but i regret to say and admit that because of this illness, she has left me. She forced me into a position where i had to absolutely guarantee i will give her a baby after we get married, no exceptions. I always thought we would have a child as i love her so much and with her everything felt right and we were happy. However, since we met my condition has nosedived and due to how difficult just going to work and trying to live like a normal person is, i just do not feel i could cope supporting and raising a child in my current and worsening condition. I just couldn't do it. I see how much hard work it is with friends and family that have had babies and they're healthy as well. I'm on my knees and feel like death most of the week. I'm struggling so much and she doesn't understand at all, even after 5 years she knows very little about what arthritis does to a person. She still thinks i can be fixed.....no one can be cured of this.
I have had so many people criticise my decision (even though it's non of their business). So many people see me as a bad guy and gone as far to say i will die a lonely old man. It's absolutely crushing. I'm at the lowest point in my life and nothing to look forward to and i get venom like this thrown at me. I know everyone judges me. Breakups are hard on anyone but it's even more depressing knowing that i'm now no longer in control. The arthritis is making the decisions and i don't feel strong enough to stop it. Some people must think i can just turn it off or something and just pull myself together. I've watched my mother deteriorate with the same condition and it scares the absolute hell out of me to think of just how unstoppable this can be. 5 years on treatment and i'm nowhere near getting 'better' or feeling ok.
So, now the love of my life has walked out on me and i have only my pain and sadness to keep me company. I'm so angry and frustrated that parts of my life are being destroyed piece by piece and i'm am powerless because of this ****, life wrecking disease. I don't even know where to start going on with my life. With things like this happening i question the point of it all. The thought of meeting anyone else and having to explain all this over again and hoping someone understands has me convinced i might as well just be alone the rest of my life to avoiding running into a similar situation. I doubt anyone out there other than other sufferers would accept or understand my pain