Difficult day

GraceB

Spent most of today in A&E with my 92-year old, frail, widowed Mum. She was taken in by ambulance just before 6am as she was vomiting blood. (I only found out by accident as her carers rang to say she wasn't at home when the morning carer went in. My brother in the Midlands had been contacted by the Lifeline people and though I magically knew!).

Mum really wasn't well and late morning I agreed with the staff I'd go and get her meds, and pack an overnight bag for her as they said she was "very poorly and would be staying in". Well I got the overnight bag sorted, grabbed a jacket potato from her freezer and got back to the hospital to find Mum sitting in a chair, the sickness had eased, she'd been assessed by physio and the nurse saying she could go home! I was surprised to say the least. The A&E Dr had written a prescription for anti-sickness meds, could I go and get that filled from a pharmacy whilst she waited for hospital transport as that could be up to 4 hours? (I can't manage to get her in and out of my car on my own and other local family weren't available when all this was happening). Off I staggered - one hour and 3 pharmacies later :!: (the meds were out of stock at the first 2!) I returned to A&E.

Mum was now sitting in a chair, yet again vomiting blood and now complaining of abdominal pain. I drew this to the attention of the nursing staff who'd already contacted the Dr. The medical team then agreed she needed to stay in, a canula was re-inserted (the original having been taken out as of course they thought she was going home) so they could again give her anti sickness and pain meds, and she went back into a bay. At 4pm this afternoon she was admitted onto a short stay ward. Staff there think she'll be in for a couple of days.

What made this experience worse for me was that I knew - I just knew - even before I asked what bay she was in when I got to A&E she'd be in the same bay my John was in Feb this year just before he had his cardiac arrest. I was right. I then had to walk through the same doors, past the spot on the floor where he'd fallen and try to get to Mum without focusing on "that" part of the floor. Then I turned round and could see in my mind again John on that floor, with pulse checks being done, me being asked did he have a DNR and what was his medical history? I'm realistic enough to know that at some point I'd have had to have visited A&E either for myself or more probably for Mum, but I wasn't ready for this just yet.

So, all in all, a bad day with awful memories being brought back. I am now absolutely shattered having been in A&E or trying to sort things out for her from just after 10am until 4.30pm so it's bed for me soon.

I must say that the nurses in A&E were doing a wonderful job under extremely difficult circumstances. Interestingly when I asked about the 4 hour target it was explained this is still in place but at our hospital impossible to achieve so they just do their best. Which I understand completely.

I truly hope your Saturdays have been better than mine.

GraceB

stickywicket

Oh Grace! I was about to go to bed when I saw this. I can't go without sending a few heartfelt hugs. This was far too much far too soon for you. Life can be so randomly cruel at times. (((( ))))

frogmorton

Oh Grace

Bless your heart.

I am so sorry you had to face 'that hospital' 'that bay' and 'that floor'.

You poor thing - I am so sorry.

On the plus side you DID it as you usually do...stiff upper lip...shoulders back and get on with it!

You were there for your Mum (silly brother :roll: ), and she is getting excellent care. I am sure you know how much you being there will have helped her cope yesterday.

I am sending you some of my strength to cope with her in hospital and some extra ((()))

Love

Toni xxx

theresak

Oh Grace, what a truly traumatic day for you to have to face. You have had such a lot to cope with, so try and be kind to yourself today.

I hope your mum feels better soon.

barbara12

Grace that must have been so traumatic..seeing your mum like this then in the same ward has your John was..I do hope your mum is being looked after ...and you are looking after yourself..((())) xx

GraceB

Sadly Mum passed away this morning about 11am. She deteriorated suddenly overnight and the Dr talked to her early hours of the morning. She decided she didn't wish to be revived if/when her heart stopped, so a DNR was put on.

My brother had 'the call' this morning to say she was very poorly and could local family go over to the hospital? I was over there within 20 minutes or so. The ward staff were absolutely great but explained Mum was extremely poorly, surgical team wouldn't touch her and she'd aspirated fluid into her lungs so was at risk of pneumonia.

Just before 11am when I was still in the relatives room (they'd been doing care, tests, inserting catheters, etc., all this time) I heard alarms going off and staff running. I knew it was Mum. The Ward Sister appeared and that confirmed it for me. She helped me out of the chair (my joints had seized by then) and carried my bag for me. I got to Mum's bedside, rang my brother - who was still in the Midlands - he asked how long, but he could hear staff say minutes. I told him to stay where he was as no point him getting behind wheel at that point. Within 10 minutes I was ringing him to say she'd gone.

It was so peaceful for Mum and dignified. Her dignity and privacy were so important to her. Sadly I didn't get to speak to her when she was conscious, but as soon as I was at her bedside I told her I was there. Nurses said she'd have known I was there.

The Ward Sister spoke to my niece Kate using my mobile (so Kate knew Nan by then had gone) and the Sister just sat and cuddled me until Kate and her brothers got there. The staff were so kind, to us and to Mum.

So this year which started appallingly for me with losing John now finishes with the loss of Mum. She'd been a part of my life since I was 6 when she and Dad married. (My birth mum died when I was 5). Such a huge hole which will never be filled. Her carers have been told and are shocked and upset at her passing. Her neighbour Terri who helped Mum with everything from cleaning, taking deliveries in, being first responder for the lifeline and personal care at time was heartbroken when she heard. Terri is part of our family and always will be as her help and support made sure that Mum (and previously my late Father) stayed in the house. Without her help Mum would long since have gone into residential care.

Now for the second time this year, I need to organise a funeral and sort an estate out. My cousin Tony is executor but is ill with recurrence of bowel cancer so I'll have to get a local firm of Solicitors involved as it's not possible for me to do it all.

Naturally, I'll not be going to work tomorrow but when my brother goes home I'll go back to work. Sitting here is just bringing back memories of February and I need to keep my mind occupied.

Thanks for reading and apologies if this brings back bad memories for any of you.

GraceB

bubbles

Oh Grace I am truly sorry for your loss, choked as well. I am glad that you were there to be with her and yes, Mum will have known, I am totally certain of that. Good that the staff were so supportive, it is something you never get used to, I speak from many experiences.

I know just how you felt, going back over what would be daunting ground in the hospital. Every time we go to our main hospital, all I can see is Mum, in the large side room, a tiny dot in the bed, telling us to "take care" hours before she passed away. We were not there when she passed, but I know she was at peace, Sister said she had never before seen anyone more peaceful.
I will have to stop, I am in no state. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, every Blessing XX Aidan

mig

Grace Im so sorry as if you hadn't gone through enough,she's at peace now ,Im sending you some heartfelt hugs (((()))) god bless. Mig

theresak

So very sorry to hear of your loss, Grace, but glad the medical staff looked after you both so well.

Love & prayers.

frogmorton

Oh Grace I am so so very sorry.

What a dreadful year this has been for you.

What a comfort to read how great the staff were and that they cared so well for your beloved Mum.

(I myself was touched to read how much you loved her as I am step-mum to a 'daughter' she is too me anyway , having a late Mum herself, and maybe when I go she'll have loved me as much as you loved yours.)

It does indeed bring back memories for me too, but I feel quite strong enough to be able to empathise with you at such hard time. I remember the pain, shock and disbelief so well, but like you was comforted by the excellent care and support I got from the notorious Stafford Hospital.

I am also comforted by the arrival of Kate your niece and hope your brother will look after you too.

Take care of yourself Grace.

Love and ((()))

Toni xxx

[Deleted User]

Oh Grace,
Words cannot explain why these things have happened this year for your family.

Sending you love and condolences

Everyone on the Mod team
Yvonne xxxx

Megrose2

So terribly sorry to hear your news, Grace. Take care of yourself. ((()))

Meg

barbara12

Grace I am so sorry, but glad it was dignified and peaceful...it make such a difference..sending you some very gentle hugs and love...(()) xx wish I could give them for real..

dreamdaisy

Oh my darling girl. ((((( ))))) xxxxx I am so sorry, I don't have any words so won't send any, just more of these: ((((( ))))) xxxxx DD

GraceB

Thank you all so much for your kind replies and support.

I'll be off work all this week as my brother and I are still trying to get things sorted for Mum. My brother Andy is now at Mum's as my single guest bed is a bit on the small side for a burly chap who's 6'6", has a beer belly and a goatee beard! We are meeting up again tomorrow at Mum's to try and progress things further.

As we are still awaiting the paperwork from the hospital, this could well scupper events rest of week as our registrar's appointment is late pm Wednesday. The patient relative team at the hospital know Andy has to return home Thursday morning and are doing all they can to get the paperwork sorted by Wednesday lunchtime for us.

Wider family are now aware; and all stunned at speed of this. Funeral is provisionally booked for 25th November as that gives family enough notice to organise time off, the undertakers, Crematorium, and Vicar are all free then. The Wake will be back at Mum's and Andy's wife Jane will do most of the catering with the rest of us pitching in where we can. (I usually do the very important jobs of opening crisp bags, putting the kettle on at family events and washing up!).

I am exhausted as I didn't hardly sleep at all last night. I'm still not sleeping well at the best of times after my earlier loss this year. So I'm off to bed and hoping I'll crash out tonight. Thanks again - you have been a tremendous support to me all year and continue to be so.

GraceB

stickywicket

Grace I'm really short on time these days but I wanted you to know that that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. I am. Every day. And wishing you even more of your customary strength and courage to get you through all this. ((( )))

tkachev

I have just seen this post. I am so sorry that you have lost two loved ones this year. I am glad her final time was dignified and peaceful and that you were there with her at the end.

Elizabeth xx

GraceB

Thank you for your replies.

No paperwork from the hospital so Registrar appt can't be tomorrow. My brother has to return home Thurs evening (he's delayed his return already to the evening) as he's got to get back to work on Friday, and I have to return to work on Monday I'll have to see the Registrar next Wednesday now. I'll be letting the hospital know they'll need to explain to the Registrar why I'll be outside of the 5-day time limit you are allowed to register a death.

Unfortunately, I've already had my brother saying he won't agree to the house selling for too low a figure! I've had to point out tactfully that family don't agree this - the executors do - but as I'm both family and executor, a realistic/sensible figure will be agreed on. My late Father worked very hard to buy that house and I won't insult his memory by selling it too cheap.

We've found a poem to be read at the service as Mum loved (and wrote) poetry. The committal music will be "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole - we had that for Dad. The Day Thou Gavest will be the hymn and Leona Lewis's "Footprints in the Sand" will be played. this is because of the lyrics, the fact that Mum brought us up when she married Dad (I was 5, Andy was 4 and my late sister Sue was 9) and we want to recognise that fact. Each generation are having an input into the funeral. We have a family tradition that the men-folk do the bearing and that will happen for Mum as it's the last tribute we can provide for her.

So, some things are progressing as well as they can, others as are typical of times such as these, aren't progressing as well. Never mind, we'll get there in the end and it'll all be done properly.

GraceB

frogmorton

Grace as ever I can see your sleeves are rolled up and you are busy sorting out the practical elements.

That is as far as paperwork is allowing. Whatever is the hold up with them? Very lax. I would ring the registrar I know I would and tell them.

How lovely that your Mum will be carried on the shoulders of her family for her last journey. That choked me a bit I have to say.

The sooner the house is sold almost the better. I bet you are livid that your brother is thinking of money at such a time. Of course you can't insult your Dad's memory selling it for nothing, but he has to be realistic. Does he want to share in the cost of keeping it heated over the winter etc??

Now Grace I just want to say I hope you are taking a little time here and there for yourself? How is your neck doing? Has this made things worse?

Sending you extra strength from me.((()))

Love

Toni xxx

mig

Thinking of you Grace (((()))) Mig

Turbogran

so sorry to hear all the worries and upsets you are having Grace am sending you lots of (((((((())))))) as I can think of no other words of comfort that have not been said already but I will be thinking of you.xx

stickywicket

Still thinking of you, Grace. ((( )))

GraceB

Thank you all so much. Unfortunately the Coroner had to get involved as Mum hadn't been on the ward for 24 hours. Thankfully there's no Post Mortem. The hospital have finally got the paperwork sorted which I collect tomorrow afternoon. Registrar next Wednesday. Hospital are letting the Registrar office know the delay was down to them.

It's a family tradition for us that the menfolk "bear" as it's our relative's last journey and one we feel should be helped along by family.

My brother is now on his way back home and will be back for the funeral. The house is being looked after by myself and Mum's neighbour who will go in and close/open blinds, etc. We have a light on a timer. Insurance company are aware it's empty, so this has been covered.

I go back to work on Monday although my line manager rang me tonight to say the Head of our Department had said I could take another week's compassionate leave if I wanted to. I need to get back to work as I still need to keep busy following John's death.

GraceB