Difficult to cope with ...

Quintus

When I came back from this Indian hospital I have been 6 or 7 hours too late. Little bro just found our father dead. Little brother is my Portuguese half brother and he is much younger than I am. Plus, we all live in different countries, have different nationalities, speak a couple of different languages and so on. Well- there is one thing we have in common- we don't like graveyards and all that. Those differences make formalities extremely difficult. Even within Europe. We overcame those administrative difficulties.
Fathers urn just came to my place. The idea was that we do the same as with my friend some years ago- wind and the Pyrénées. But- it is not only ashes. There are bones as well. And now I simply don't feel as doing this mountain and wind thing in the presence of my nephew and my little niece anymore. Ashes is one thing. Bones is another matter. I simply don't know what to do right now.
Life is complicated. Death seems to be even more so....

stickywicket

Oh, Quintus, what an awful dilemma! Death is hard enough to deal with without these complications.

We do speak of 'ashes' when actually they contain bone fragments too. And seeing them could be quite distressing for young people. I wonder if you could, with your brother's consent, literally scatter your father's ashes, as planned, having first removed the bone fragments to be disposed of later as you see fiti It sounds quite horrible but I think it will be so whatever you do.

((( )))

dreamdaisy

Firstly, my condolences on the loss of your father, I know myself that these are challenging times.

Secondly, this is not easy is it? I was an only child so there was no-one to consult which made things more straightforward. I take it your father has come to you because you are the eldest son, do you know what his wishes were regarding his remains? I know that many people keep the ashes of a loved one with them for some time before disposal, could that be an option for you? To be bald about it, your Pa won't know will he? That way your niece and nephew would be older - were they close to your father?

Death is a part of life, a part that is mostly 'swept under the carpet' in these modern times where youth and vitality are all that matter. You have had much to deal with on this front recently, you need time to and for yourself to process the emotions. Don't make any hasty decisions, surely it is best to act in the cool of the moment rather than the heat. DD

[Deleted User]

Dear Quintus,

Thinking of you and sending our condolences on your father's death.

These are hard decisions for you, I cannot think of any suggestions to add to those you have already, you know your family and I'm sure your decision will be the best one.

Take care
Yvonne and all the mod team x

Quintus

Thank you Sticky, DD and mod.
This is about the third time I try to answer. But I have www problems, apparently.
DD is right, of course. We tend to sweep the matter of death under the carpet.
Cultural thing? Pushing away the ultimate? I dunno. Of course this is not the first time I have been confronted with death. But it is the first time I am confronted with the material fact of death. Well, I have the remains in my apartment right now and the rest of the family just told me : do as you please. I will. And no, DD, there was nothing written down. I will do what I would wish for myself...
What I tried to explain was that even within Europe everything is awfully difficult if it comes to administrative "things". Gosh- this was a 4 months battle just to overcome the non existant frontiers. Father has always been a fervent European. And not only that. We always had a really difficult relationship and most of my life I did not appreciate him. Only in the past years we came closer. And since we missed our last rendez-vous... well I guess none of us has time to miss important appointments. I refuse to inherit anything. And to do that I have to travel to his next consulat général. 300 km away. I don't expect anything material because I think the non material inheritance is more important. Father has been always pro- European. And surely always pro- immigrants. He has been a true fan of Brecht and Seghers and so on. And I really hope little brother saved the Weill first editions. My capitalist father always fought for the right of free travelling in the world. Always took in people from everywhere to employ them and stood up for them. He really was devastated after the brexit vote.
I did not always like him. And right now his remains are kind of difficult to handle. But he always has been right: being patriotic is **** and leads to war. If I never really loved him- I love him for that now. Sometimes it takes time to understand things.

dreamdaisy

Your last line is so true, Quintus, the channel of passing time is necessary for us to reflect and reassess matters. We tend not to see our parents as individuals in their own right, they are forever defined as Mother and Father as though they did not exist before they produced us. I have never understood the reasoning that one will automatically love one's parents (or that they in turn will automatically love the offspring) - it makes no emotional sense to me. Respect is always good, love a bonus. I loved one of my parents, 'nuff said.

Take time now, take as long as is needed, to consider, ponder, plan and re-plan: as no-one else seems to be that concerned (in truth they are probably pleased that this has landed on you and not them) thus you have 'carte blanche' to make it right for you. I do not recall much of the official procedures that were done after Ma's death (or Pa's years earlier) but I do remember that things were not exactly speedy: red tape binds us all tight. DD

stickywicket

You are quite right, Quintus. Sometimes it takes time. But how lovely that, towards the end you found common ground and a reason to appreciate and admire him. That will make the future much easier to deal with.

Your father seems to have been a man of principal. That's very, very good in itself but such men don't always make for the smoothest of relationships with their nearest and dearest.

You now have the opportunity to dispose of his ashes in whatever way seems best at a time and place of your choice. I know your decision will be well thought out and good.