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I am a coward

SloshSlosh Posts: 3,194
edited 2. Apr 2018, 14:40 in Living with Arthritis archive
Back in January I was referred to an exercise class at my local hospital run by physios. I attended the first session and was welcomed by the rehab assisstant who I worked with for eight weeks about 3 years ago. I was one of the youngest in the class, and the only one on crutches. The exercises included standing up from sitting, stepping up and down, lifting "weights" etc and it was a circut with 3 minutes on each activity plus a warm up/cool down. The physio assistant I knew went round with me, and every exercise, even the warm up and cool down had to be adapted for me! The following week the class was later, I spent the morning feeling very anxious about it, and when I had problems parking went home. As I was busy the next two weeks I contacted physio and said I would not be able to continue.
I have been re-referred and due to go tomorrow, and I have been getting more and more anxious to the extent of feeling tearful. I found it so hard to deal with emotionally and that was the hardest part, not the tiredness or the payback but having things that I can't do because of my stupid body pushed in my face. Generally I'm in a good place emotionally at present, making the most of retirement and not getting bored! I feel like such a coward about this class. I just don't want to go tomorrow and feel so useless again. I hated having to have things made easier for me. I hated that everyone else could do more. I hated the way my stupid body was letting me down.
I hate feeling useless and I hate being made to feel like this.
He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
Julian of Norwich

Comments

  • dreamdaisydreamdaisy Posts: 31,562 ✭✭✭
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    No, Slosh, you're not a coward, anything but. It may not seem like it but surely it's a good thing that the exercises had to be adapted to suit your current level of ability , that shows awareness of you and your needs and I am sure they will be altered again as your skills development and improve - that has always been my experience of physio and the same with my trainer. It is not unheard of for the other demands of life to interfere with a physio programme, you won't be the first to whom this has happened and won't be the last but it can unsettle us, I remember that feeling well.

    Don't be hard on yourself and don't do yourself down, you are a strong woman, always have been and always will be. ((( ))). DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • stickywicketstickywicket Posts: 25,871
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    No, Slosh. No coward would have got through all you've been through while remaining so determinedly positive.

    This is just another hurdle, a tricky one because so much of it is to do with emotions rather than actual pain or disability.

    I think we all have our sticking pointa. I remember when I was first diagnosed, age 15. Several old ladies at my church virtually welcomed me into their gang. I knew I didn't belong there and didn't want to. I used to literally run away from them although it hurt my ankles dreadfully. More recently, shortly before my knee revision, I joined a gym. Every piece of equipment had to be lowered to zero for me. Oddly, by then I didn't care. So much arthritic water under the bridge.

    Do I envy sprightly 80yr olds? Yes. And no. I am as I am and not ashamed of it. Life is what it is. Others have their strengths and weaknesses. I have mine. My physical weaknesses are more obvious but so what? Much of the emotional strength I have, I have through overcoming the hurdles that arthritis has put before me. The same goes for you. This is just another one. You are strong enough to get over it and will be even stronger once you have done so. And justifiably proud of yourself.
    “There is always a well-known solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.” H.L. Mencken
  • SloshSlosh Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks both. Had a sleepless night thinking about it. Going to try and find the strength to go today, I don't want to let you two down.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • daffy2daffy2 Posts: 1,713
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You are not a coward Slosh, but having a very understandable emotional reaction to this -
    having things that I can't do because of my stupid body pushed in my face.
    However...Each of the activities could be, and was, adjusted to your(current) level;
    It's irrelevant what age and ability other participants are, we are all different and face different challenges and responses to our medical problems;
    Learning something new isn't always easy or straightforward, and having difficulties mastering something can happen to anyone. How would you have approached this if it had been one of your pupils saying " I can't do it Miss" at the first attempt?
  • barbara12barbara12 Posts: 20,658
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    you certainly aren't a coward slosh..I think most of us don't really want to be on show, especially doing things we are not comfortable with anymore..I hope you can change your mind ..I think you will be really proud that you went back..
    Love
    Barbara
  • SloshSlosh Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    We reached a compromise. I went, did exercises, explained how I felt to the physio who knew me and it has been agreed that I can be trusted to exercise at home.
    It just wasn't the right thing for me at this time, but as and when I can ask my GP to re-refer me.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • stickywicketstickywicket Posts: 25,871
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Well done, Slosh. You took the bull by the horns and solved the problem in your own way. I know you'll do the exercises and I hope they help.
    “There is always a well-known solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.” H.L. Mencken
  • SloshSlosh Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks Sticky, gave my arms a workout today rolling out marzipan making a simnel cake inspired bread pudding.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • daffy2daffy2 Posts: 1,713
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    That sounds like a very workable solution - you have a set of appropriate exercises, and the door has been left open for future engagement.
  • SloshSlosh Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks, that's my feeling too.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • dreamdaisydreamdaisy Posts: 31,562 ✭✭✭
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I hope you are feeling better in yourself about it all - we all have setbacks and the challenge to bounce back when bounce is completely absent is what makes us who we are. I'm out of the loop on everything at the moment due to a PsA flare but I will pick up, even if that isn't at the same level where I left off - and it won't be. It's a case of mind over matter: I might mind but that doesn't matter. :wink:

    I hope you have a pleasant Easter. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • AnnaLoweAnnaLowe Posts: 4
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    So impressed that you went back. Got to find a way that works for you and it sounds as though you have. Is there support for you to exercise at home?
  • SloshSlosh Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Only me but I am determined
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • MaturecheeseMaturecheese Posts: 121
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Certainly not a coward and it's good that they are at that point in your treatment whereby they are tailoring things to suit you. It sounds like you have a good health service where you are so be positive like a lot of the other posters on here are. I must admit I'm not one of them but then that's me.
  • MoxieMoxie Posts: 4
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Respect!
  • dalekdalek Posts: 32
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Slosh wrote:
    Back in January I was referred to an exercise class at my local hospital run by physios. I attended the first session and was welcomed by the rehab assisstant who I worked with for eight weeks about 3 years ago. I was one of the youngest in the class, and the only one on crutches. The exercises included standing up from sitting, stepping up and down, lifting "weights" etc and it was a circut with 3 minutes on each activity plus a warm up/cool down. The physio assistant I knew went round with me, and every exercise, even the warm up and cool down had to be adapted for me! The following week the class was later, I spent the morning feeling very anxious about it, and when I had problems parking went home. As I was busy the next two weeks I contacted physio and said I would not be able to continue.
    I have been re-referred and due to go tomorrow, and I have been getting more and more anxious to the extent of feeling tearful. I found it so hard to deal with emotionally and that was the hardest part, not the tiredness or the payback but having things that I can't do because of my stupid body pushed in my face. Generally I'm in a good place emotionally at present, making the most of retirement and not getting bored! I feel like such a coward about this class. I just don't want to go tomorrow and feel so useless again. I hated having to have things made easier for me. I hated that everyone else could do more. I hated the way my stupid body was letting me down.
    I hate feeling useless and I hate being made to feel like this.
    First rule of arthritis club... Don't compare yourself to other people. I am 45 and watched the 80 year old that lives opposite me take the dog for walk, go to Sainsbury's and rebuild his fence and that was just one morning. I did the ironing (and did that sitting down).
    I did one of those physio classes, I was the youngest. Without it I would not have had the confidence to go to aqua fit. So if you are up to it, it is well worth it.
    Well done for going!!!
    "Normal" people don't understand the amount of courage it takes to do this stuff and how much arthritis affects confidence.

    Sent from my Signature Touch using Tapatalk
  • MacbeeMacbee Posts: 12
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I admire you for having the guts to go back and tell them how you felt. I'd likely just have phoned them! 😊
    When my pain and range of movement was at its worst I was offered physio 1:1 and thankful for it...I think I'd have felt anxious and demoralised by a group too as I very much was comparing myself to others at that point and hyper aware of what I wasn't able to do.

    It's very satisfying however to make that gradual progress with your own exercise regime at your own pace in your own home that gets you ready to get out and exercise in more public places again.

    Good luck with setting your own goals
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