RA and life struggles

gemz10

Hello all
I have had RA for 10 years and generally cope pretty well. I work full time which is fine but my house is a mess there is a permanent pile of washing waiting to be put away, a mountain of dishes to be washed dog hair to hoover up etc etc. Lately I have been having troubles with my shoulder elbow knee ankle foot & fatigue! The problem is my hubby also has health issues & can not work due to OA in the spine a herniated disc & compound fracture. He also suffers from depression, sometimes he is fine but other times not so good. This last week has been a bad week for him he has completely shut down and drawn into himself today he is back to himself much happier. The thing is I find it so hard to cope when he is depressed, it affects my mood & motivation which is not that high when it comes to housework anyway. I just wondered if any of you have any suggestions of how I should cope better? It's just really hard when you are in pain, fatigued, worried about your partner but still have to go to work, make food, walk the dog, put the rubbish out, do the washing. I also like to go to exercise class once or twice a week & check in on my mum once a week sometimes more. No wonder I don't do my dishes or put my clothes away as I'm exhausted but still I feel like I'm failing at life & should be adult emought to just get on with the housework and not let it spiral out of control.
Sorry it's a long one but thanks for reading x

Airwave!

Sounds as though he is ripe marerial for the Pain Clinic, get a referral from your GP.

trepolpen

the problem is the any long term illness is depression , we all get it to some level , talk to your GP for advice for yourself , maybe counselling or a mild antidepressant would help you but seek help

stickywicket

Gemz, far from 'failing', I think you're coping brilliantly and, possibly, far too well. At this rate you're going to make your health even worse. I can understand your husband's depression but, frankly, I think you both need help to cope with this. I suggest you see your GP together. Maybe counselling would help. Untidiness is trivial and was, in my case, the first casualty of arthritis. Cleanliness wasn't too far behind :oops: You're dealing with too much. Something has to give.

Do you and your husband ever talk about health matters and how you feel about them? If not, a good meal and a glass of wine might help.

gemz10

Thank you Airwave he is currently waiting for an appointment with the pain clinic as a result of his recent MRI which showed deterioration since 2011 but thankfully no need for an operation. He has also stated a new type of pain meds thanks to the pharmacist at our surgery. So all going in the right direction.

gemz10

Thank you Trepolpen I used to take a mild antidepressant but I came off it a few months ago as things seemed good. The thing is I think I'm ok I just let my mood be affected by my hubby's and lack motivation. Maybe I will go back but perhaps counselling will be better. I have recently started exercising and as hubby is back now (from his down period) he said he will try to do some jobs daily to help out. Hopefully I can get a routine going with the cleaning and housework.

gemz10

Thank you stickywicket for your reply and understanding. I think going to the GP together is a good idea as is counselling. Thankfully we do talk lot's (when hubby isn't totally shut down with depression wishing he could hide under a rock) I'm no good at hiding my emotions so hubby can see when he is contributing to me feeling down or overwhelmed. I tell him how I feel and what's affecting me ie frustrations about not going on walks like we used to or struggling to cope. I always tell him my intention isn't to make him feel bad if it's directed at him and we often talk about how good what we have is and how lucky we are but still when the s**t times hit it still sucks. Definitely I a better place than when I wrote this post so going to get out today then concentrate on getting organized at home.


Thank you all so much for listening x

dreamdaisy

When you took the anti-depressants they worked which is why it might have been a plan to keep taking them. You have a great deal on your plate in addition to grotty health and anything that helps you is the thing to do.

When my OA was diagnosed in 2011 I plunged into depression as I had been unaware that one could have both an auto-immune and osteo. I said to my GP 'OK, three months of these then I'll be sorted.' She replied with the polite equivalent of 'Yeah, right,' and I thought no more about it. Shortly after I had an appointment with my rheumatologist (those were the days!) and when she heard that I was on this medication and that it was being effective advised me to stay on it, just at a low dose; her reasoning was simple, if I was stronger mentally I would be able to cope better physically and she was right. I took 20mgs of citalopram for a while then reduced it to 10mgs and there I stay. I am positive it helps me cope better than I otherwise would. DD

gemz10

Dreamdaisy that must have been really tough, I am glad you are managing well now. You may well have a point about the low but steady dose. I was just quite pleased initially to be managing well without. It's a nightmare in our surgery & I basically ran out for a few days then just decided to wean off it by collecting the last month but only taking it every few days when I felt a bit tingally. The pharmacist is great they suggested going down to 10 mg daily untill I weaned off but I did manage to come off it ok. The thing is my husband has been in a much better place this week so he has been awake when I get in from work kept on top of the dishes & even had food ready a couple of days so im feeling better too. I just feel that it's a shame to take it due to someone else's mood getting me down opposed to my own health issues 🤔 but a low maintenance dose may well help. I think my plan is to see how well I can keep on top of general housework ect as if I can do this then when hubby gets down at least im not battling a mountain of housework. I will see how I cope over the next few months but definitely go back to my GP if j find myself struggling again. Best wishes x

dreamdaisy

As I see it the root cause of my depression has not gone and will never go (which is depressing enough in itself) so it makes sense to keep my coping reserve topped up. Your partner's behaviour is bound to impact on you - everyone's behaviour affects those around them - but you have more than enough to be coping with and need help for your benefit. From what you have said he seems unable to be regularly supportive so it's time to find something that is. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself and your needs first especially with so many appearing to be dependent on you to be Wonder Woman. DD