Not part of the human race anymore

LancsLainey

:'( I had to give up my beloved job in 2012 and ever since I've been looked down on and had to listen to so many low opinions of me.
I not only have Osteoarthritis, but I have anxiety and depression, PTSD bad,OCD, asthma, fibromyalgia, heart failure,IBS, high BP, high cholesterol,etc.
My fingers are deformed and so ugly that I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want strangers,or anybody if it can be helped to see them.
My feet and knees are so bad I struggle to walk 'normally '.
This also embarrasses me.
I'm too embarrassed to use a mobility scooter or walking aides because I'm only 55,but I'm also overweight, so I worry I'll get even bigger if I do give in and get a mobility scooter and that people will look at the fat person and presume I'm fat because I'm lazy.
In my head I'm still young enough to have fun,go out and be the life and soul of the party,like I was until I turned 50.
I don't know why,but I've always worried what anybody will think of me,take all criticism to heart,even before I became ill.
I used to love my job in promotions. I went all over in my car ,doing what I used to love best,socialising!
Now I'm the opposite, almost an hermit.
It used to be said so often we can't have a party,or go out without Lainey!
That was until I was beginning to get poorly!
The awful things so called friends called me for cancelling dates ,especially at the last minute. Which I only did in the hope I would in fact feel good enough to go and not wanting to let them down.
I still have that hope inside years down the line,that I'll get better in some way,be able to socialise again. Seems impossible right now.
I feel invisible, lost,lonely,worthless, inhuman, depressed, anxious and a nobody.
Yes actually, lazy too!
I'm so angry at my own body!
I curse it so much!
I need to do things,like my decorating, gardening, housework,mind my Grandchildren and so much more!
I brought up 4 sons up on my own,after divorce.
I'm fiercely independent.
Well my mind is,but my body fails me over and over!
I'm so angry!
I feel robbed!
Being disabled like this does not fit my personality.
I still want everything done yesterday!
And at speed!
Hence my silly accidents!
What I'd like to know is am I ever likely to get better,or is this it? Is it downhill all the way now?
I refuse to let my ailments define me!
Is this where I'm going wrong though?
Do I have to accept that I'm only going to get worse???
I grieve for the real me! Where am I? Will I come back?
People who know me even ask where has the real Lainey gone? Refusing to believe that this boring, disabled person I've become is permanent.
I need help I suppose to accept who I am now,or what my body is now???
I miss the old funny,singing ,dancing,loudmouth,drinker etc I was. I had such fun times socialising,pubbing and clubbing.
How do I get happy again?
Be accepted in society, if I can't even accept me now?
Now with Lockdown I'm even more lonely and lost.
My mental health is declining fast.
Am I the only one who feels these things?

Sharon_K

Hi @LancsLainey

welcome to the forums we are delighted to have you here. It sounds like you have been on a difficult journey and that you are really struggling to adjust. It is a difficult time and the first thing would be to stop being so hard on yourself. It is hard but draw a line under the past and try and stay in the present. Looking back and comparing how you used to be won't help you to discover and love who you are now and who you could become. Having any longterm condition is difficult and a part of that battle is an emotional one.

We have a great section on our website which might help you to take some first steps here

https://www.versusarthritis.org/about-arthritis/managing-symptoms/emotional-well-being/

When you can begin to discover who you are now you can begin to look at what the new you would like to try. Many of us have changed and adapted our lives to discover new things that bring us joy. It sounds like you have a family around you and grandchildren, this is a chance to get some extra support and ask for help. It may not seem like it now but things never stay the same and there is light out there. You might also find it useful to speak to our helpline free here

https://www.versusarthritis.org/get-help/helpline/

Lots of our members here have felt similar things in the past and they will be great at supporting you and listening to the things you are struggling with. Keep sharing here and we will be here for you

Best Wishes

Sharon

frogmorton

Now here no-one can see your joints, no-one can see your size we are judged purely on what we write.

So get the 'Old Lainey' out on here and tell her to come on in join us and have a laugh! Plenty of people here are up for some fun and silliness.

'.....funny,singing ,dancing,loudmouth,drinker etc I was. I had such fun times socialising,pubbing and clubbing...'

Ok you can't do all of that here but you can do some and start to feel valued again.

((()))