How to make my husband think I am not lazy just in pain?

Dixon83

I am always in pain with my arthritis but my husband keep going on how lazy I am. I am on very high pain killers which make me feel sleepy. But its getting me down.

Shaphron

Hi @Dixon83 - this is something I have had to worry about too, with my ex. When you have a chronic condition it doesn't go away, yet people only seem to be able to remember that something's wrong at the beginning. Once it' gone on for a while it seems like they forget, or think you should have "gotten over" it. Sadly it doesn't work that way.

There are a couple of things you can do. Pick ones which you're comfortable with - there isn't a "correct" answer, it's more what works for you and your husband.

• Introduce your husband to the spoon theory - it's a really useful way of describing how chronic conditions affect you: https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
• Get your husband to come on here and talk to the rest of us who have arthritis and struggle to manage to do simple things every day. Or show him some of the stories Versus Arthritis collects, like https://www.versusarthritis.org/news/2020/september/if-we-dont-talk-about-arthritis-people-would-suffer-behind-closed-doors/ or https://www.versusarthritis.org/news/2020/june/i-know-it-s-possible-to-control-this-disease-but-i-m-not-there-yet/ or https://www.versusarthritis.org/news/2020/june/i-felt-invalidated-nobody-with-arthritis-should-feel-this-way/ orhttps://www.versusarthritis.org/news/2020/may/i-wasn-t-open-enough-about-how-difficult-my-life-was-so-the-pain-stayed-hidden-for-a-long-time/ - these show it's not just you, and other people struggle and had support, and life was different but can still be good, but expectations need to be changed in line with ability.
• The simple (but very difficult) idea: Talk to your husband, tell him how he makes you feel. Tell him that you're not lazy, that you can't do things like he expects, and every time he calls you lazy (or similar) it hurts you more.
• On the more confrontational side, if the above doesn't work, start keeping a small log of how much pain you're in, on a scale of 1-10, and what you have achieved. Getting dressed is an achievement, and should be on the list, as is having a shower or bath. Both of those can make your pain worse, so include them and show they hurt with a notation on hurt went up to 6 while getting dressed, it normally sits at a 3, when I walk to the kitchen it becomes a 5, writing letters or typing it's a 4 etc etc. Doing housework at all is brilliant when it hurts to stand, walk, bend down. With some documentation, say of a week in your life, he might actually begin to see how things are for you. Sometimes people are more visual , and they need to see something in front of them - even if it's a quick list of each activity with a note of how much it hurts to do each one. It may make it more real for him. Also keep note of when you're most affected by sleepy from painkillers - so you can show you've got an hour in the morning before the painkillers make you sleepy and you need to slow down, then after lunch you maybe get 2 hours when you're more clear-headed etc - however it goes for you. This may also be worth bringing up to your doctor, as if you're overly sleepy all the time it will affect your quality of life, so it may be something you want to discuss with them so you have a chance at doing more.

Finally, look after yourself. You're not alone, and being in pain and having a chronic condition are real. It's important that you keep your own spirits up and look to your wellbeing. Exercise may help your mood and ability, but only do it as you can - don't push yourself to the point of it hurting more. The reason I mention exercise is it can help with pain management and low mood and sleepiness. Check out here to have a look and see if there is anything which would work for you: https://www.versusarthritis.org/about-arthritis/exercising-with-arthritis/

Wishing you the best of luck!

airwave

Hhmmmm I wonder if partners ever really get the message? We’re moving towards 50 years together and she still thinks if I was to get out and do more I’d be fitter. Good luck on this one.

Unfortunately my oh has started experiencing arther which we both find upsetting, oh bottoms.....

its a grin, honest!

lindalegs

@Dixon83 Hello there,

I think the problem lies with the fact that only you can feel your pain. If you turn the tables and look through your partner's eyes and see what he sees then maybe you can understand where he is coming from. I imagine that before arthur stuck you were very active and lively and he sees a massive change. If he could feel your pain and utter exhaustion he wouldn't call you names but would be empathic. He no doubt thinks it's all left for him to do, not knowing your frustration with yourself and even when you're trying your best. The trouble is he's hurting too but in a different way, as having a life changing illness impacts both your lives.

Do you think your partner could be around to listen to your rheumatalogist when they next contact you either by phone or face to face appointment? He could perhaps air some of his frustrations then. I know my rheumy encourages Mr Legs to take part in discussions when we see her.

It is terrible for you and on here we all know what it's like to have to come to terms with the pain, exhaustion and feeling low but you will come through this. Perhaps your rheumatologist needs to look at your meds again as they might need adjusting to help you manage your pain.

When my children were small I used to cry a lot with pain and, if I'm totally honest, self pity, when having to do things. That was till the day Mr Legs turned to me and asked me to please stop crying because my tears were destroying him! Those words turned me round and made me realise that I didn't want to lose him or my family and friends and I must do my best not to let arthur win this war!

Find a little something to do that you enjoy that gives you a boost everyday, even if its having a brew and looking our of your window, I promise things will get better!