How to make yourself heard when no one seems to be listening?
I am twenty-four years old and can honestly say that I never expected to be forced into a position where my physical health was top priority.
But alas, here we are, with Arthritis.
The docs call it mild. It doesn't feel it.
I was keen on football but more to be included in an activity that everyone else seemed to enjoy I now think. Because as it happens the very thing I thought to pursue in order to mitigate feelings of isolation only exacerbated the issue.
I now find myself in the invidious position of 'young male, no prospects' (that's how it appears outwardly anyway) when in reality I'm a hard worker who just needs a little extra support.
I have jumped through every hoop insensitively laid in front of me; diagnosis, pain management clinic (somewhat helpful it must be said), therapy, exercise etc; yet people still seem to think that I'm lying to them? Somehow trying to deceive them? WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD I HAVE FOR WANTING TO BE ARTHRITIC AT 24?!
The concomitant depression and anxiety are also feeling chronic, along with the pain, and I simply don't know what options I have to lead a life - not a normal life, I never expected this to be the case - but a life that involves people who CAN. I'm surrounded by these people who CAN. Everything seems so easy and light and frivolous. Whereas my life seems marred, prematurely, by this pained brush.
Waking up in the morning I'm greeted with a fine mist of opportunity and possibility that I try so so hard to dwell in, hoping that some may permeate into me. Every morning I feel devastated that today isn't the day that something, anything, slots into place.
I have discussed my personal situation so often and shed so many tears over this left knee that I've even considered infecting my entire leg to have it amputated. THIS IS AN OVER REACTION - I AM AWARE. But given that so few people from University in particular are willing to react at all to my vulnerability I feel it is my duty to OVER REACT!!!! MY ARTHRITIC LEG DESERVES SOME ATTENTION. SOME LOVE FOR A CHANGE.
Inevitably this bodily prison has had an impact on my emotional, interior life. In a world (society probably more apt) the body is so heavily focussed on, by me too, that I feel an utter failure not being able to live my life physically. I was, not too long ago, in really good physical condition. However, what people fail to understand is that the effort I know I must put into the gym etc. in order to compete is so far beyond what a healthy person has to.
AND THEN, as I know every arthritis sufferer the world over has experienced, the lockdowns happened and no support whatsoever was available (speaking as a University student here with no option for income).
Initially I was looking forward to some respite from the constant effort of doing normal things. Now, however, I am completely terrified of doing most things as my leg feels so much weaker than it did. The solution to this is of course exercise, but I simply can't reconcile my interior self with my bodily self. It is very frustrating and as much as I understand that projection helps nothing in a case such as this I can't help but worry, excessively, over how I'm going to manage this for the rest of my life.
I don't think I'm in a place to receive suggestions I think I simply need an acknowledgement that this condition makes answering any question concerning desire to live life far more difficult to answer.