I'm ready to share a little more

ocean

Reading stories about osteoarthritis and the concern people have has surprised me in that I've never really taken my own seriously. I have osteoarthritis as well as everything else in my hip , knees and shoulders. I also have osteoporosis (due to a total hysterectomy 16 years ago ,was quite young at the time ) and foolishly I thought that osteoarthritis was due to that. I never realised it can lead to joint replacement ! I'm actually trying to assess why i don't really react to my health issues with concern. I do suffer with depression quiet bad and am now thinking if it's because the depression makes me feel not worthy of help. Got lump in my throat writing this. I've hidden these feeling from family 😓and friends

stickywicket

First of all, thank you for trusting us with this. It can be hard to open up to people. Whatever is wrong physically you are certainly not lacking in bravery.

I think how we deal with health matters is a purely personal thing. T here are no rights or wrongs. Personally, I'm a big believer in not taking my arthritis too seriously. I don't want it to get ideas of its own importance. It's a part of my life but I have bigger and better parts, bigger and better interests. Yes, it dictates quite a bit but it only has my body. My mind is my own.

We used to have some thriving threads on here where we laughed at arthritis. We had a 'MASH Unit', a 'Tripe Therapy' thread and several others. We laughed at arthritis but were there to take seriously and try to help out, anyone who wasn't finding it easy to laugh at.

I'm sorry to hear of your depression. Did it come before or after the arthritis? Have you managed to get any help for it? Believe me, you are every bit as worthy of help as anyone else.

ocean

Thanks for taking the time to ask and respond. The depression has been a part of my life from about 14 years old. I was always a sickly child and I guess never really felt supported or understood due to a lack of understanding not a lack of love from my folks. Soon i found myself taking it out on my diet. By the time i was in my 20s I was told I was heading for major organ failure without immediate treatment. That was a shock and a half but sadly my health carried on a downward spiral. I'm now collecting illnesses ! It's a running joke with family and friends when they ask how I am and I tell them about a new health issue i have . I think deep down I feel overwhelmed by it all. I think i could cope if it was 1 or 2 things but i seems to have quite a list ! I've tried to get help all my life but I think because there's so much that's happened i feel like i'm going crazy. The depression doesn't let me truly love myself so let me feel i deserve anyone's help including doctors. I recently took part in study for biologics for king college hospital and it made me realise i needed help and must start believing i deserve. I guess there's deep demons that need addressing .......

stickywicket

Of course you 'deserve help', ocean, but, because of the knock-ón effect s of the pandemic, medical help can be difficult to access right now. We all have to do our own admin ('medmin as DD puts it) and sometimes we have to feel strong before we can pick u p the phone. But it's worth persevering.

Families can be unintentionally hurtful and, if you mean brothers and sisters rather than children, I think they can sometimes get stuck in the relationships of childhood so that they can still regard one as 'the spórty one', another as 'the brainy one' and maybe another as 'the sick one'. It's not helpful, just lazy thinking and it can hurt.

i was an asthmatic child and an arthritic teenager and, frankly, I've gathered so many illnesses I actually managed to forget I'd had cancer for one medical form. i had to ring up and explain. These are only bits of us. They don't define us.

If you are depressed seek help for that. The rest will be much easier to deal with. Think what you love doing and can still do or, better still, something you've always wanted to have a go at but never tried. Feeling good / bad is a habit which we can cultivate.

Pheeny

I am so sorry to read that you don’t feel worthy of help. Of course you are. I wonder if you are one of those who put everyone else first and forget to include yourself. As Sticky said, feeling good/bad can be a cultivated habit, so can forgetting we ourselves are as deserving as those we seek to protect/love.. An understanding pitfall for some people, ask any full time carer the last time they put themselves first. You can just get out of the habit of thinking you are absolutely as worthy as everyone else or not get into the habit in the first place. I wish I was there to give you a pat on the back. Dealing with osteoarthritis and osteoporosis must be no joke and you shouldn’t underestimate yourself. A friend dealing with her own problems was amazed when she found out I thought she was amazing how she coped. She hadn’t a clue how others saw her. So, I hope you have another look at yourself and start appreciating how well you are doing and use this to seek the best treatment available to you. Regarding not taking your illness seriously, I wonder if this could just be the atmosphere in the family. My large family tended to take everything in their stride, (there was so much going on, illness had to wait it’s turn for attention.) So I was really surprised when my new in laws took less than perfect health very seriously indeed. It might just be your nature to be a bit laid back (whilst keeping an eye out for newer and better treatments.) Good luck. Pheeny

ocean

Thank you guys for your lovely comments. I've been pretty unwell last couple of days. The lupus, RA and inflammatory RA been very active (bloods came back that they're having quite a party) and been in so much pain. I have fibromyalgia too which never wants to let up! Started to get pain under control this evening , so hoping for some sleep tonight! I actually told some family about how i feels re depression and i'm glad i did! I've never told them before but I'm trying really hard not to believe I'm worthless . I'm slowly coming round to the idea of telling a professional what's in my head ........I gave up telling them when I felt they couldn't help me. But I really feel I'm getting to a point where I'll start talking to them again, without feeling a failure because I'm a mum and for some strange reason I've felt I can't be down !

Pheeny

I think most mums put on a brave face for all occasions. If you feel talking to a therapist will help please go for it. You sound as if you are really going through the mill at the moment. Arthritis can be a cruel companion but hopefully one day you will be able to look back and cheer how far you have come, both in your outlook and getting your disease under control. Good luck again. Pheeny

stickywicket

Well done on talking to some of your family. That's a great start. True failure isn't about trying and failing: true failure is not trying or, indeed, sometimes not getting up and trying again. JK Rowling's Harry Potter was rejected 12 times before someone accepted it. Most of the great classical composers were rubbished by others. Haydn's wife used his handwritten manuscripts to line her baking trays. These people didn't give up.

All Mums get down at times though I agree we do try to conceal it from our children. No harm in asking for help, though, when pain is gripping. Even young ones can accept that Mum's having a rough day so would they, please set the table, wash up etc. They probably won't do it well at first but they'll learn.

And, don't forget to reward yourself for every triumph however small. You will have earned it.

[Deleted User]

Hi @ocean

Thank you for sharing with us, I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough to do this. It can be a rough ride when there are so many underlying issues besides arthritis- but you've taken a huge step in talking to us here and as you can see, the online community is a really friendly bunch!

Personally, I understand where you are coming from when you say that you feel that you have never really taken your condition seriously. I'll let you in on a -not so little secret- I never have either. It's just a coping mechanism but I have started to take it more seriously since becoming a single parent. Yes, you're a parent, but you can't be 100% all of the time. It's OK to feel a bit off and just set something up for the children to do or get them trained into helping with small jobs so that they think nothing of it when you do ask for help.

All of the above advice from these lovely comments is fab- but please keep talking to us and know that you are never alone on this journey.

I'm not sure if you would be interested in any of this, but there are some links in the below article to mindfulness activities that could just help you along, take some time for yourself and your thoughts or just give you room to breathe:

https://www.versusarthritis.org/news/2020/may/meditation-and-mindfulness-and-how-it-might-help-you/

It's lovely to get to know you, take care and talk soon,

Sarah

ocean

Thanks Sarah .I've only just started looking into Mindfulness actually ! I'm willing to give anything and everything a try, I'm desperate for ease.

Pheeny

Meditation would be an excellent tool to have in your box. There is one discipline called metta bhavana where you start by sending love to yourself before extending it to family, friends etc. Sounds like it’s tailor made for you doesn’t it. It may not appeal, but it’s an option for when you have got used to the basic practice. This consists of sitting comfortably (or lying if necessary) and watching the breath. Saying mentally the breath comes in, the breath goes out. If the mind wanders just bring it back. If you get bored, and you probably will, just do the best you can. It’s a bit like learning to drive. Some lessons go better than others. I have been meditating for over sixty years. It doesn’t have to be a religious discipline, but discipline is needed to make progress. Try and do it at the same time each day if you can. I was once in the garden when I felt a pull and realised it was seven in the evening. The usual time for my husband to have the children while I disappeared upstairs for thirty or forty five minutes. I used to joke it was cheap, all in my own hands and I got to palm the children off. Good luck. Pheeny

Jona

Hi ocean,

I just want to send you a big hug 🤗 and say thank you for putting it out there for people we seem to forget the terrible toll it takes on our well being mentally I know I can’t make it better for you I wish I could but know your not alone but sharing your feelings with everyone is a giant step we spend a lot of time trying to protect others but it’s time we stopped because how do they know if things are left unsaid a problem shared is a problem halved give yourself some self love everyone is entitled be kind to yourself and spoil yourself wherever you can

sending love and hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗 xx

ocean

thank you for your lovely message jona x 🤗

Jona

You are most welcome and anytime you want to talk I’m here for you xx