Not being believed by family

upthecreak

I've had OA for many years now, but it has really ramped up in the past three or four. I have told my mum many times how I am feeling, how I struggle, the abuse I've got for being too slow on crutches in the shops, the tears I've shed, the intense pain, the insomnia...you all know how it is.

She called me this morning to ask if I had watched the ITV documentary on knee and hip replacements last night. She then went on to tell me 'you should have seen these poor people, some of them were crying with pain. It was awful seeing people in so much pain'. I told her 'welcome to my life'. She said 'yes but these people were struggling to walk, and even got shouted at in shops for going too slow'. I was speechless. I use crutches on a good day and a wheelchair on a bad one, yet these 'poor people' are deserving of her sympathy but her own daughter is not?

Ggrrrrr...rant over.

stickywicket

I'm not sure what to say. If it were a neighbour or 'friend' I could say just walk away. Unfortunately, we can't just walk away from our mothers. Could you just say, quietly and calmly that it's very hurtful to you when she empathises with others in your situation but not with you? I think maybe tears and anger are best avoided. Keep emotions out of it. Could it be her very clumsy way of trying to empathise with you? I think, personally, I just wouldn't discuss my own health with her. If she doesn't understand what's the point? It's a sad situation. How are you now?

john62

Hi upthecreak, unfortunately some people and family don't know how to react when we feel the need to talk about our pain, they don't understand and it's not neccesarily their fault. I hope you can talk on this site it might just help, l'm new here but already feeling supported.

Take care

TLee

Sometimes I think it is less about being believed & more that our family sees us they way they are used to seeing us. Example: My grown daughters and I have a little tradition of taking girls' trips, usually around one of our birthdays. They still plan visits to parks, museums, zoos...things that involve a lot of walking. I try, but usually end up with my hip becoming so painful that I almost can't move without screaming. They aren't being mean or not believing that I have arthritis, they are just thinking of the things we used to enjoy together.

john62

I think it's hard for our nearest and dearest to accept the changes arthritis make to our lives and the loss of mobility, they just want things to be normal. I'm quite lucky my wife now thinks of my mobility issues before planning anything but it has taken her some time to get there.

Baloo

Maybe we should treasure when our struggle for independence has its moments. I went to the office party and surprise surprise, they went as a group. Me going at 1mph gave them all a real challenge which kind of appeals to my sense of humour. One friend says, I can't wait all day, and off they went. One friend the newest sticks by me and is on the phone when we get lost on the way. Life has its moments.

Emmasknackeredjoints

@upthecreak I can relate to this very much. My family have done next to nothing to help me. My dad sends me txt for me to call others and make sure they are OK, without asking how I am . These people are nothing to do with me.

When I asked my mum if she would visit I was told I can't be bothered, it's to far .

If they were ill I'd be there for them, but I've had next to F all.

Disappointing @upthecreak sorry your dealing with thsi on top of chronic disease

upthecreak

Thank you for your replies, I've not been here for a few days so am late replying. She doesn't have any empathy, sadly, and is hugely narcissistic. She sees any kind of 'illness' as a flaw or a weakness; she would never walk with me when I used a walking stick and literally told me 'I'm not walking with you using that ****ing thing'. Her latest thing is she wants me to do a 3 hour round trip to pick up my own birthday card because she doesn't trust the post. I can't drive for long without searing pain and then numbness, which I told her, so she then asked if my son would drive me...she wanted him and me to take a day off work and lose pay just to drive down to pick up a card! All because she doesn't want to go into town and post it. I can't sit for that length of time as I have OA in the spine and hips and knees, but she thinks as I wouldn't be driving I'd be fine. Incidentally I have invited her up to mine several times and said if she gets the coach up to a halfway point I could pick her up from there...nope, it's too far and too much trouble.

Emmasknackeredjoints

@upthecreak omg how old is,

Sounds very unhelpful and hurtful.

Chin up , some people see not worth worrying about, family or no. Your health comes first.

stickywicket

This sounds utterly bizarre. She couldn't be in the early stages of dementia, could she?

Why not online card shops who will take your money online and deliver with your message? Or, if she included a gift(!) Door to door delivery is possible.

Is she very lonely? And too proud t admit it?

It all sounds very odd indeed.

Have a good birthday. And remember it's yours not hers.

upthecreak

Sorry Sticky, I completely forgot that I had posted here about this.

Things got worse, sadly. A couple of months ago nobody could get hold of her; we had all tried calling and texting and nobody was getting a response for more than 24 hours. I, against my better judgement, decided to drive down to make sure she was ok, as she is usually glued to her phone. I was in horrendous pain and the weather was atrocious with heavy rain and high winds, but I was so worried that she was lying at the bottom of the stairs or something.

Anyway, when I got there, there was no answer at the front door or the window, so fearing the worse I went around the back and let myself in…the door was open. Well, I got the most horrendous abuse. I haven't seen her for about 7 years because we don't have the easiest relationship, although I have invited her up several times but she always finds excuses.

She was vile. She accused me of lying about my health (I have lots of other conditions as well as OA, including fibro, spinal stenosis etc) and openly mocked me by rubbing her own leg and mimicking me saying 'ooh my leg hurts'. I kept trying to tell her that I shouldn't have driven but I did because nobody had been able to get hold of her and we were all worried, and she told me 'I have my OTHER children to take care of me' implying that she didn't need me.

She never even acknowledge my daughter, her own granddaughter.

So, in the end it was a 5 hour round trip for 10 minutes of being abused before leaving. I was crying with pain all the way home, and because it was rush hour, I got stuck on the motorway and the constant stopping and starting was like pushing broken glass into my knees.

Never again. To answer your question, it's not dementia. She's cold and calculating, and can switch it on and off when she chooses. It's taken me this whole time to get my head around how a mother can be so cruel. I have since learned that she has changed her number and given it to everyone but myself and my children. So that's it for me, there will be no further contact between us. But I can also hold my head up and say I was calm the whole time I was there. I never raised my voice, I never insulted her or got angry (my steering wheel, however, got a bit of a bashing when I got back in the car). I'm so grateful that my daughter was with me because nobody would believe the abuse I got if they hadn't been there.

Trish9556

Oh @upthecreak, I wish I could give you an enormous hug and tell you it'll be ok. However, I don't think it will and apologies for being harsh, you're better off without her. We don' t need people like that in our lives - even if it is our parents.

Make the most of the people around you who love and appreciate you and understand what you're going through. There's a saying that goes along the lines of we can choose our friends but not our families and I know a few people who wouldn't choose their families for the way they are treated.

Chin up, you can do this and just ignore them. I'm glad your daughter was with you on your trek.

Love n hugs

Trish xx

upthecreak

@Trish9556 thank you :) I'm ok now, I've had a couple of months to try and process it but in the end I had to put it in a box and hide it away. The thing is, my sister is coming home from Oz next month and will be staying at my mum's house, so it's going to be very hard to see her. My mum is well aware of this but has done nothing to try and resolve it, so I don't think I will see a lot of my sister - she's only home for 6 weeks. I've tried to talk to my sister about it but she is just trying to sweep it under the carpet.

In the meantime, I have to concentrate on me and mine. Thankfully I have a very close relationship with all three of my children and that's all I need. I've been diagnosed with high blood pressure now on top of everything else so stress is something I definitely do not need.

Trish9556

@upthecreak

I would hope that your sister would have a need to catch up with you and spend some time with you? Have you video chatted with her? Is it possible for her to spend some time with you? Even if it's not possible for her to stay with you is it possible for her to stay with somebody else for a couple of nights? What about meeting half way if not and maybe having a sleepover in a travel lodge or similiar so you can have a night out and catch up with each other that way?

I'm sure she wants to spend time with you and not rely on what Mum is telling her and that she would want to see for herself how you are?

I hope you can manage to sort something out - don't leave it for your mum to organise it because I doubt if she will.

Love n hugs

Trish