Not being believed by family

I've had OA for many years now, but it has really ramped up in the past three or four. I have told my mum many times how I am feeling, how I struggle, the abuse I've got for being too slow on crutches in the shops, the tears I've shed, the intense pain, the all know how it is.

She called me this morning to ask if I had watched the ITV documentary on knee and hip replacements last night. She then went on to tell me 'you should have seen these poor people, some of them were crying with pain. It was awful seeing people in so much pain'. I told her 'welcome to my life'. She said 'yes but these people were struggling to walk, and even got shouted at in shops for going too slow'. I was speechless. I use crutches on a good day and a wheelchair on a bad one, yet these 'poor people' are deserving of her sympathy but her own daughter is not?

Ggrrrrr...rant over.


  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,684

    I'm not sure what to say. If it were a neighbour or 'friend' I could say just walk away. Unfortunately, we can't just walk away from our mothers. Could you just say, quietly and calmly that it's very hurtful to you when she empathises with others in your situation but not with you? I think maybe tears and anger are best avoided. Keep emotions out of it. Could it be her very clumsy way of trying to empathise with you? I think, personally, I just wouldn't discuss my own health with her. If she doesn't understand what's the point? It's a sad situation. How are you now?

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • john62
    john62 Member Posts: 34

    Hi upthecreak, unfortunately some people and family don't know how to react when we feel the need to talk about our pain, they don't understand and it's not neccesarily their fault. I hope you can talk on this site it might just help, l'm new here but already feeling supported.

    Take care

  • TLee
    TLee Member Posts: 86

    Sometimes I think it is less about being believed & more that our family sees us they way they are used to seeing us. Example: My grown daughters and I have a little tradition of taking girls' trips, usually around one of our birthdays. They still plan visits to parks, museums, zoos...things that involve a lot of walking. I try, but usually end up with my hip becoming so painful that I almost can't move without screaming. They aren't being mean or not believing that I have arthritis, they are just thinking of the things we used to enjoy together.

  • john62
    john62 Member Posts: 34

    I think it's hard for our nearest and dearest to accept the changes arthritis make to our lives and the loss of mobility, they just want things to be normal. I'm quite lucky my wife now thinks of my mobility issues before planning anything but it has taken her some time to get there.

  • Baloo
    Baloo Member Posts: 381

    Maybe we should treasure when our struggle for independence has its moments. I went to the office party and surprise surprise, they went as a group. Me going at 1mph gave them all a real challenge which kind of appeals to my sense of humour. One friend says, I can't wait all day, and off they went. One friend the newest sticks by me and is on the phone when we get lost on the way. Life has its moments.

  • @upthecreak I can relate to this very much. My family have done next to nothing to help me. My dad sends me txt for me to call others and make sure they are OK, without asking how I am . These people are nothing to do with me.

    When I asked my mum if she would visit I was told I can't be bothered, it's to far .

    If they were ill I'd be there for them, but I've had next to F all.

    Disappointing @upthecreak sorry your dealing with thsi on top of chronic disease

  • upthecreak
    upthecreak Member Posts: 7

    Thank you for your replies, I've not been here for a few days so am late replying. She doesn't have any empathy, sadly, and is hugely narcissistic. She sees any kind of 'illness' as a flaw or a weakness; she would never walk with me when I used a walking stick and literally told me 'I'm not walking with you using that ****ing thing'. Her latest thing is she wants me to do a 3 hour round trip to pick up my own birthday card because she doesn't trust the post. I can't drive for long without searing pain and then numbness, which I told her, so she then asked if my son would drive me...she wanted him and me to take a day off work and lose pay just to drive down to pick up a card! All because she doesn't want to go into town and post it. I can't sit for that length of time as I have OA in the spine and hips and knees, but she thinks as I wouldn't be driving I'd be fine. Incidentally I have invited her up to mine several times and said if she gets the coach up to a halfway point I could pick her up from there...nope, it's too far and too much trouble.

  • @upthecreak omg how old is,

    Sounds very unhelpful and hurtful.

    Chin up , some people see not worth worrying about, family or no. Your health comes first.

  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,684

    This sounds utterly bizarre. She couldn't be in the early stages of dementia, could she?

    Why not online card shops who will take your money online and deliver with your message? Or, if she included a gift(!) Door to door delivery is possible.

    Is she very lonely? And too proud t admit it?

    It all sounds very odd indeed.

    Have a good birthday. And remember it's yours not hers.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright