Forgive me as I am 'new' and I don't have the right to rant, rage or kick against the sytem that is the NHS. I know some readers will be feeling just as low and just as worried as me and I'm sorry but I feel like I'm going to just scream and not be able to stop! I am still very mobile, I have no right to think poor me, I have no right to be bursting into tears and generally falling apart, and I do know it! .........but...........
I have huge amounts of OA in both ends of my spine and other bits here and there. I live on buckets of pain killers now recently added to 'beefed up' they call it. I do have other conditions and one I was born with but its no big deal and yet suddenly it has turned in to a donkey and 4 consultants are playing pin the tail on it!
I get batted between all these different departments and in a couple of weeks they put on the blind fold and head for the donkey, its got that many tails on it if it swished them it would fall over!!!! What does it take to get diagnosed once you have one or two 'conditions'!!!!!!!!! they have the standard cop out. The consultant in charge of my 'donkey' keeps saying ' well I have never heard of it doing that'. And then today I got a copy of another letter between 2 consultants and now it seems either my donkey has breed or its got a friend and they are all jumping up and down covering that one in tails as well! What have I got, a tailess donkey sanctuary!!!!!!!!!! Why don't they just find out whats wrong and fix it........ Or say they don't know!!!!! At least that I could respect.
Why do GP's have to be so dam brutel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I'm sorry I know I'm raging but some of you may sadly know too well where all this anger and fear driven emotion is comming from!)
I have masive pains here and there and I started that involentry twitching, numbness and pins and needles thing and I rang NHS direct for some advice. They made me give my word that I would make an appointmen and see a doctor (I have a VERY bad relationship with them). I rang in, couldn't get an appointment for 'years' so the duty doctor rang me......... He wasn't interested just wanted to know when I was having the injections, I'm on the list how do I know how long it will take? He said I didn't need to be seen......trot, trot, trot here comes a donkey, and he'd put yet more tablets up for me. He then said 'of course if you gave up your life-style and rested, well you know you have to do it so.....' In other words go to hell till you give up your life!
The tablets were muscle relaxents.......... My spine doesn't hold me up, my muscles do! The bones have had it, they talking about de-nerving me! its useless! but the muscles aren't!! 24 hr on those tablets and I'm in more pain than I ever though possible. I have really forght this and why can't they be on my side instead of siding with the OA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I have got to make changes BUT NOT YET!!!!!!!! I have comitments and I have to see them through their lives first because otherwise I couldn't live with what I'd have to do. Why is it only one of my consultants understands what that would cost me? Because I'm a number, a name on a bit of paper, a non entity with a trail of donkeys all swishing their lovely new tails!
Here endeth my rant!
I'm sorry and I probably shouldn't post it but I can't talk to friends, they don't understand. They either think I'm suicidal or I need the pull your self together speach, I get angery when they tell me it could be worse......It's going to be! At least in cyber space I can voice how I feel, but I'm sorry I probably shouldn't.
Take care and forgive my anger! Please.
(no donkeys were hurt in the making of this rant)