Anyone else living with someone with arther?

badger

Its like having a third person in my marrage, they moved in several years ago now and their presence is becoming more a more demanding on my partners time. It makes me fell pushed out at times, and it is difficult to adjust to arthers demands.

I've have been looking on the sight for a few months now but have only just signed on.

Am I surposed to be here?

Are there other people on line that do not have arthritis them selves but one of their family has?

woodbon

I have Osteo athritis not RA, I don't know which of these your husband has, but it dosn't matter, its how it makes you feel. I sympathise with you both. I can, in a way, empaphise with you, I have a diabetic husband type 2, which happened about 5 years ago. He dosen't like me joining in with his medical appointments and often dosn't bother to tell me things until something comes up and brings it to the open. I find that worrying. Anyway, hopefullly someone will come along with more relivent experience and be able to help you. Glad you've joined the site. Your input, as a partner will make those of us think about our partners feelings. Its so easy to focus on yourself, and forget someone else is suffering too. So keep on posting and I hope it helps you. Love SUe

suncatcher

MY hubby reads this site and before he had not used to listen or listen for so long and appear fed up. I got told i went on about it but i dont i just wanted him to understand what bad things arther is doing to me as people cannot see i, him reading this site is great as he is learning what a nasty beast arther is and realize it just isnt his wife prattling on about it it actually is real and does exist and it happens to other people as well so i think this site has been good for husbend and wife communications. also welcome to the site from joanne price

lindalegs

Hi Badger,

Everyone's welcome on this site, your secondary experience of arthritis is just as valuable as those of us with it first hand. There have been posts on here from relations of people with arthur so you're not alone.

I agree with you that arthritis is like a third person in a relationship because it always needs consideration. There're times when it's the most dominant too but others when it can be pushed into the background.

Arthur the gooseberry is always unwelcome but, so far, our relationship of 23 years has survived it's attendance

Take care and feel free to rant out your frustrations like the rest of us. :roll:

Luv Legs

joanlawson

I think it is good to hear your side of the story because it is very easy to become bound up in your own problems when you have a painful condition like arthritis.I am aware of it with my husband, even though he is very caring. I try not to let it rule my life, and this site is a god-send because you can express your feelings/worries to other people in the same boat, without feeling like a nuisance.
Joan

badger

Thanks for your replies woodbon, Joanneprice, Lindalegs, joanlawson

Woodbon, Its RA my partner has. I am sorry that your husband feels he cannot confide in you, maybe he is afraid or just thinks what you don’t know cannot hurt you, or you have enough on your own plate without worrying about him as well. But without him being open I bet you worry more.

Joanneprice, I am glad your husband is now taking more notice of what you say, and that is helping him understand.

Lindalegs, Thanks for the welcome, it’s nice to know your marriage has lasted 23 years with arthritis, it gives me hope.

Joanlawson, I am glad that you think of your husband an try not to let arther rule your life.

However it looks like there is no one out there that will answer the question I originally asked.

“ where are you the partners of those with RA”?

airwave

badger wrote:

Its like having a third person in my marrage, they moved in several years ago now and their presence is becoming more a more demanding on my partners time. It makes me fell pushed out at times, and it is difficult to adjust to arthers demands.

I've have been looking on the sight for a few months now but have only just signed on.

Am I surposed to be here?

Are there other people on line that do not have arthritis them selves but one of their family has?

I suggest you go on the Expert Patient Program for Carers, it may open your eyes and allow you to cope with arther and his visits (my wife will be in the queue behind you!).

8) Its a grin, honest!

badger

Thanks airwave

Where can I get more details of The Expert Patient Program for Carers?

Does your wife ever use this site?


and to everyone else

I still have no replys from anyone living with their partner who has arthritis.


Someone out there answer will you?

airwave

Hi Badger,
http://www.expertpatients.co.uk/public/default.aspx

The Expert Patient Program is a Community Interest Company being run out in the NHS.

Its all about self-management of chronic conditions and assisting patients/carers to cope with the pain, emotional difficulties, stress, fatigue and depression, amongst other things, that occur when you have a long term condition.

The EPP comes from the states and takes place in 30+ countries, starting here in 2002 or thereabouts. They use a license from the university to tutor so the program is strictly controlled and doesn't vary, but includes a number of topics such as one for carers.

My wife says she will answer in a mo and tell you what its really like to live with me an arther!
Cheers
8) Its a grin, honest!

P.S. AC do their own Pain Management one from the same place.

airwave

airwave wrote:

badger wrote:

Its like having a third person in my marrage, they moved in several years ago now and their presence is becoming more a more demanding on my partners time. It makes me fell pushed out at times, and it is difficult to adjust to arthers demands.

I've have been looking on the sight for a few months now but have only just signed on.

Am I surposed to be here?

Are there other people on line that do not have arthritis them selves but one of their family has?

I suggest you go on the Expert Patient Program for Carers, it may open your eyes and allow you to cope with arther and his visits (my wife will be in the queue behind you!).

8) Its a grin, honest!

Hi, I'm Airwave's wife. Just finished painting the ceiling! I expect that gives you a small clue already. Yes I hate it too but can't see a solution. It certainly curtails both our lives and hopes for the future. We've had to make many changes already, with more to come. I'm not good with sympathy so you can imagine how difficult it can be. Sometimes I just want to run away. (but I'll always come back!) For better or worse I think I said, many years ago. If I can help or just chat I'll be happy to.

eckstardeluxe

Hi

My husband is in your position, so I showed him your post and asked him to respond for you.

"It's going to be a strain, tougher, but you have just got to try and help as much as you can. My situation I have to do more around the house and for the kids because my wife can't. I try all the time to put myself in my wife's shoes and think how I'd feel, I love her so I have to do what it takes to make things work. The hardest thing is that my wife is the most independent person I know, it breaks my heart to see her unable to go for walks with us or be in pain. It's hard but you just have to try and give up things you did in the past, eg night out with the boys, no disco's and up the road early as my wife needs me the next day. I've got to think about what my kids are missing with their Mum and compensate for that. I have to stop being so selfish and put them first, good luck, it's hard but it does get better with time. You did the right thing by asking for advice rather than get depressed and let it build up inside, Neil"

mrsdalloway

Hi just reading these with interest as I think it would be helpful for my husband to have somewhere to go on line for some support in dealing with me and my affair with Arthur! Would it help if we suggested to the wonderful peeps that organise this site that partners/other halves of people with RA have their own section where they can go and rant as just as they cannot fully understand our situation I cannot understand my husband's as it must be a nightmare seeing the one you love in pain and crying because they cannot get their socks on!! :x

Jeannie

Hi Mrsgalloway,

I have brought your idea to the attention of the web manager.

Jeannie2 (forum Supervisor)

badger

Thanks again airwave, especially for putting your wife on. 10-4.

To Mrs airwave.
I agree with you, I'm also no good at sympathy and tend to say things before thinking. . Just knowing that you are there is a real help. I do agree it was for better and worse, but not worse and worser, as it sometime tends to be, But the Sun still shines and generally things are good. I just have to keep telling myself things could be even worse and make the best of things, It is a good job that i always tend to look on the bright side of life.

Eckstardeluxe Thanks for showing the post to your husband.

To Mr eckstardeluxe
Yes it can be easy for me to get depressed at least for a short length of time, that’s when I forget about the fatigue arther brings to my partner. My job means I an inside all week and I love being outside at the weekends, but looking after the garden, It means the house gets neglected, and I forget my partner cannot always do as much as they did. Thanks for your advice Neil.

Mrsdalloway
You have hit the nail on its head! That’s why I was asking about user groups. (see different topic) I would definitely encourage everyone to get their husbands, wives, partners, family and friends to at least read the articles and postings on the site from time to time. They have been so helpful to me. Its not a rant I require just the knowledge that other people are in the same type of little boat and bailing like mad like we both tend to be at times. Looking forward to the hopefully to the calmer waters of spring and summer. That warmer weather tends to work wonder or is it just the sunshine?

Jeannie2 (forum Supervisor)
Thanks and I look forward to their reply.

Better just end with this thought. “I would not change my partner for the world” even though it sometimes might seem that I would like to.


All the best
and may the Sun soon shine, it was nice yesterday
Badger

colinone

badger wrote:

Its like having a third person in my marrage, they moved in several years ago now and their presence is becoming more a more demanding on my partners time. It makes me fell pushed out at times, and it is difficult to adjust to arthers demands.

I've have been looking on the sight for a few months now but have only just signed on.

Hi badger sorry mate not a carer but a cared for BUT I DO CARE
I think it would be great to have a place where partners and carers could sound off or at least get to talk and share some feelings. it must be as hard for those who care as it is for the sufferer. I have seen the tear in my wifes eye and its so sad. I personal try to be light hearted about the whole thing but at times as you know we find it difficult to cope. at times i think i am breaking my wifes heart and it fills me with guilt. Anyway i do hope hope the site can find a space for the carers but dont stop using the site in genral its good to have you around even if your jokes are awful lol.
I remember a time in my life when i was a young man, i had experienced something awful and felt so down.
My Granddad took me to one side and i will never forget the words he told me. He gave me a hug and said" When God gives you lemons make lemonade" thats why i take the lighthearted attide even when i'm down
Colin

badger

Thanks Colin for the reply

I think I would have like your grandfather he sounds a lot like mine.

I will just have to open up a lemonade stand on here. I hope you like lemonade, it should be better than my jokes, but then I surpose it depends on the quality of the lemmons, sugar, water and the taste buds of thoses drinking it.

It is a pity I cannot make you some for your birthday.
Have a very happy day.

All the best
Badger.

badger

I will ask this question again.

This time please reply, dont just look.

Do any of you have partners that look at this site, by themselves, or with you, or do they leave you to it.

If you are a partner of some one with athritis plese send me a message.

All the bset
Badger.

elnafinn

My partner looks at this site, with me, if I point something out to him.

He would not use this site of his own accord. He is too busy looking at ebay and surfing all the DIY and machinery sites.

My partner does not have arthritis of any kind.

lindalegs

My partner doesn't look at this site it doesn't interest him at all. He feels that arthritis rules our lives enough as it is and he's quite content for us to just get on with things. I love this site and often relate some of the tales on it to him but that's as far as it goes.

Luv Legs

badger

Thank you Elnafinn.
Yes we do all have our own ways of relaxing. This site has helped me to realise just what my partner is going though and that it is not the end of the world. Most of you share the best of times as well as the worst of times. But most of the time you all have a positive attitude to life.

Thank you lindalegs.
I can understand your partners wish not to look at the site and just get on with life. I can see by the way you write that you clearly love this site. So by the way do I.

All the best
Badger

colinb

badger,..i am a partner and carer for someone with RA,,,there are some of us out here..lol

badger

We seem few and far between,

Lets here from the rest of you.

All the best
Badger

sadandshocked2

Its dreadful for partners, because it is just like having a third person in the relationship.

I hate moaning, i try and think of all the thins we HAVE got instead. I thought all this was depression, but its pain and stiffness/grumpiness not feeling 100%. And it seems not being able to plan anything because you dont know how your body is going to allow you to feel, which makes you mad and out of control.
We love dogs and i used to walk miles with ours, now i can't and we live in a medium size house with 14 unwalked dogs, my partner and i have talked about re homing at least 3 of the biggest, but it breaks her heart. It depressed me because i cannot walk them, and can't cope with their demands like i used to, meanwhile the house is dirty and smelly which gets the two of us down.
Hey ho :roll:

badger

Its the unknown thats gets to us well me more so. My partner gets very upset when they cannot do what they have planned. I tend to take each day as it comes and dont like planning ahead. But my partner like treats to look forward too. I tend to think that is setting ones self up for a fall, as you can bet thats when arther shows up and spoils everything. Else the trip goes ahead and then my partner is bed ridden for several days afterwards as they were not in the best of health to go out.

Life sometimes has to change, not always the way we would like. Dont take too long in deciding what to do about your dogs.

All the best
Badger

julies

Hi badger
I don't have arthritis. I come on this site for help and advice in dealing with the problems my son has.
He is now 16 so have been on the site for over 2 years now :shock:
I don't think I would have got through everything if it hadn't been for the people on here.
Sooo keep posting, I'm sure you will find it a great source of help.
Take care
Julie

jackie1955

Hi badger,
My husband does not have arthur but has major health problems which have had similar effects i.e. chronic pain, fatigue, mobility problems. I joined a website forum in relation to his condition and found it very helpful and a great support. He, however, did not want to take part himself being of the opinion that he did not want to read worst-case scenarios and then worry about things that may or may not happen. So, I used to read out to him anything I thought he would find helpful and inspiring I also found I could ask about things that were worrying me about his condition, but which I did not want to let him know I was worrying about :!: .

When I first became aware I probably had RA I surfed the 'net and indeed did scare myself silly reading some of the things that may or may not happen to me! Then I found this site and through reading the postings I became calmer and more positive about the future.

I'd say for anyone who is the carer - no matter what the condition - if the sufferer does not want to join/read any forums then don't force the issue, its their choice. But you can certainly arm yourself with plenty of information regarding their illness, and relate anything to them which you feel would give their morale a boost

I feel like I can view both sides of the coin so to speak - as carer and now as patient :!: So, badger, I'd certainly encourage you to come on here for support, advice, chat - anything to help you cope with it all

sadandshocked2: I'm amazed at 14 dogs :shock: Please, please, if you now can't cope properly with them it really is time to get them rehomed. You say your home is getting dirty and smelly - that is going to become a health issue and needs sorting pronto! Heartwrenching as it will be, you really need to get most of the dogs rehomed - for their sake as well as yours. If you love them you'll want to do whats best for them surely? I'd suggest you contact your local dogs home or RSPCA and explain that you are no longer able to cope with so many pets, they will gladly help you