Help - I am having a really terrible week

Rainbow77

Hi everyone

I thought I would come on here and just note down how I am feeling as I am really struggling this week and I am not sure why. Most of you know my history - but a quick recap! I have ReA and was out of work for 2 and a half years. I went back to work at the end of january - I am a supply teacher.

Arthur wise - he is well controlled. I take sulpha and Hydroxycholroquine - I have a lot of aches and pains but overall I am doing well. Had a flare up about 1 month again that wiped me out for 9 days.

I am so emotional and stressed out. I have not slept properly for about a week, I am off my food and I can't stop crying if i think about myself. All irrational.

I have just gone back to work this week after the easter hols - but I have not taken any work calls as I can't face it. On Monday I was offered a 3 day a week job with a school for a term. But the thought of going to another school was just too much. I have been doing lots of things lately and I think all the change is just too much. From being stuck at home for 2 and 1/2 years on my own - and now my life has really changed for the better.

In january I moved churches and I am now the Childrens pastor and have taken over the kids church on a sunday morning. We had our first session and it went brilliantly and the kids and parents were all raving about it. I just seem to have lost all my my confidence.

Yesterday I was offered a part time contract at a really good school that I know well and have been doing a lot of supply for. It will just be tues & fri until december. I went in yesterday to collect the files, classes and schemes of work etc and I was a wreck. I could not stop shaking when I was signing in. Again I was totally accosted by the students at the gate asking me if I was going to teach their class - all compliments etc. My year 9 class was lining up and they were begging me to teach them and sack their teacher as she was rubbish and I was telling them off for being rude and they asked me if I could teach them permanently. I hope I don't sound big headed saying this - but nothing bad has happened to me but I just have lost my confidence.

This morning I started a new cookery class with a new charity and so i was so nervous, I could not sleep. The class went well and they were all lovely and said see you next week. I don't know why I am worrying so much.

I know - i am rambling - but it is all good but I am feeling like I can't cope. It is a lovely sunny day and I just want to go to bed as I feel so tired. But no-one understands - they just seel me 'well' now which is fantastic but I have not forgotten what I have been through. I think I may be grieving again - but my friends can't see what the problem is as I am sucessfully rebuilding my life after my interruption from arthur.

I just don't want to let anybody down - I feel I have been a let down all my life and i have so much planned and booked in for the next 3 weeks - I am worrying that I won't make it all. But it is silly.

Anyway - I am going to stop going on. But thanks for listening. I think I am going to have a rest this pm and just take it from there.

Thanks

Fayann xxx
I

skezier

Hi Fayann,

I'm sorry your having all that at the mo, some of it I do understand. I look at my future and I get so upset as my way of life is quietly slipping from my bones ability........ But it's not today! I also have become so reclusive that I am scared of people basically. Deep down I am angry that my bones have let me down, life might have but I don't dwell on it as I can't change it and its gone!

You are not going to let any one down, you aren't I promise you. Don't let the fear of it stress you and just take it as it comes...... Your going to be fine. You just have to get your confidence back and you will be fine. I know cus I had to rebuild my self a few times now and it's just you have lost a bit of confidence and it will come back.

See this is true rambling eh?!
Good luck and take care,
Cris

woodbon

Hi, Gosh, what a lot of new things you've had lately. Some very positive, but, however positive I know I react to change by getting edgy and stressed up. I'm sure you won't fail. You'll be fine in the end, but a few nervous days are sound normal to me! Try and keep calm, read or do something you like, exercise is helpful, but probably not advisable in your case . Don't let the fear win - well I know you won't. Someone once said the only thing to fear is fear." I don't know about that, but you'll make it. Thinking of you.
Love Sue

elnafinn

You are doing really well, Fayann. It makes me tired reading what you are and will be doing.

Take it easy this afternoon. Being wiped out for 9 days has taken its toll. You need to try and calm down and remember to breathe.

You have such a lot on your plate at the moment and all of it sort of new stuff so not that familiar so you are really working at it all, putting in 101% and obviously succeeding big time as everyone is telling you what a success everything is.

Have some "me" time today. I think you have been living on your adrenalin, not eating, sleeping and it may have finally caught up with you.

You are doing great but to continue to do so, you must try to calm down. Everything will all slot into place. Trust me!!

I don't want to hear you say you have been a let down all your life. You know that is certainly NOT TRUE.

Do your best, that is all you can do, and by the looks of it, you are doing just that and it is all working out.

Luv
Elna x

ninakang

Hi Fayann

You sound like you've been doing brilliantly but need to put yourself first for once and relax. We often forget ourselves and our needs in our rush to do things for other people.

I'm glad you were able to come on here and talk about it. You should also try ringing the helpline number on this site if you feel like talking to someone. They're very helpful and might have some ideas for you.

Take care of yourself

Nx

frogmorton

Hi Fayann
Haven't heard from you for a while - I was wondering how you are doing.
Do you know what I think?
I think you ARE probably greiving for that 'innocence' we all had 'before'. The KNOWING you can do what you want and are therefore quite apropriately feeling down.
It happens to me too and then I also sometimes feel really lucky if I am well and that can set me off too.
If I were you I would just be kind to yourself and rest a bit and take it as easy as you can , make sure you eat well and sleep enough and hopefully it will pass.
If it persist too long you would have to take advice, but for now you should allow yourself to feel down and be gentle with yourself
I do hope you do feel better very very soon.
Take care
Toni xx

jackie1955

Hi Fayann,

I've read your post a couple of times, with great interest. Fayann, it seems to me that you are a sensible, accomplished young lady, very well liked and admired. You have a lot going on in your life! At the moment a few changes are taking place - but they are all for the good

I think you are probably feeling a bit nervous and emotional due to these changes - even though you are happy about them doesn't mean that subconsciously they are causing you a bit of stress. I think this is manifesting itself physically in your lack of sleep and poor appetite, and mentally making your overly emotional and nervous.

I'd say take 'time out' for yourself..... sit down quietly one evening and evaluate everything thats happening. Pamper yourself a little, have a long bubbble bath, listen to some uplifting and calming music, have a glass of warm milk, and sink into bed with a smile on your face.
You need a few good nights sleep to get things back in balance.

Congratulate yourself on how far you've come! And on how well you are doing now!

Onward and upward, honey, onward and upward

Jackie x

eckstardeluxe

Hi Fayann

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. But it's good to know you're not alone. Even the toughest of us have times where it really gets the better of us. We feel so silly because we know there are people out there much worse than us and that upsets us even more. I don't know anyone with Arthur who has good days all the time.

The only thing I think made a difference to me was coming on here and finding a hobby. I know it sounds so urrrggghh but trust me it did help with me. It was just a little something I'd always thought of doing but never had the time before. Just an hour at night to make some time for me. Now I can do it as I can sit down to do it. It helps take my mind of things and to relax.

I think you are doing the right thing by sharing your upset with us. Keeping all these feelings bottled up inside only makes things worse. I remember a bad day being very emotional and the person asking me to get counselling. It made me worse but even more determined to try and get a grip of myself. I was sure I could find the strength in me to fight. We will always be here for you whenever you need some support. I hope you feel better soon, try and relax as much as you can, you will feel better for getting all of this out. I think you should be proud of your achievments but with Arthur things only really get better mentally when you learn to just slow down a little, don't care about how you appear to others, I know it's hard, I've been there, once you learn to adapt things will be better, really.

Take care now, Eck xx

Rainbow77

Hi everyone

Thankyou so much for all your kind and helpful replies. I know I can rely on you all and you also understand. Although I don't post that often, I still read most days and catch up with the forum as it was a big part of my life when I was very ill and I know that in the 'darkest' days it was such a blessing in my life and we also had a lot of fun.

A very good friend of mine has just been round 'to sort me out' and it was good to chat. But they still don't get the experience of living with a chronic illness.

I think it is a big low after the high and I have taken on so many new things in such a small space of time. It is really exciting - but also overwhelming. I did lay on the sofa this PM and wateched a movie - well feel alsleep for most of it!! But I know that I need to get back into my sleep routine and eating properly as my blood sugar levels are all over the shot.

I think I will take tomorrow off as well and just relax and chill out and from next week I am going to take a total rest day once a week. That is going to be really difficult for me - but I think that I have overdone it and need to get the balance right. I am looking forward to teaching geography once again and have got a lot of alevel teaching to do so need to read up as I feel very rusty!!

I know I am going through grief once again - it hits you like a wave and you have to ride to come through it. I do feel bvery priviledged that I have got so much of my life back but I do worry that I could lose it all again and the effort to get to this point is exhausting. But got to keep going.

Anyway - going to have another early night!! he he. BUt thankyou again for all your support. I really appreciate it.

Take care & Hugs (((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))

Fayann xxxx

joanlawson

Hi Fayann

I haven't met you before, being fairly new to the forum, but I am a retired teacher, so I have something in common with you. I'm sorry to hear that you weren't able to work for quite a long time, and it is still early days if you only went back in January. It is obvious that the children like you as their teacher, so you must be good at your job. The children are our severest critics, so you must have passed with flying colours.

If you have a long break from work, it is common to feel a lack of confidence on returning. I had a five-year break when my children were little, and experienced a similar thing when I went back. Added to that, you have had another period of being unwell, so it isn't surprising that you feel down. You have had quite a few changes in a short space of time, and this is probably difficult to adjust to.

Teaching is one of the most stressful jobs, and a couple of days can be exhausting, even if your health is good. If anyone doubts it, let them try it ! On the other hand, I expect you are like me, and find it very rewarding too. I'm sure your confidence will return, but make sure you unwind too.The job at the good school sounds excellent, especially if you have worked there before and know everyone.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you will soon feel better.

Joan

frogmorton

Hi Fayann
I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Just wanted to add - keep posting we have missed you!
Take care
Toni x

vonski

Hi Fayann

Sorry things are getting on top of you. You have taken an awful lot on in one go though. Do you think you could cut back on something and take smaller steps. It sounds like everyone knows what a good job you do. It's just a shame they can't understand what it takes out of you to do it.

Rest up and I hope you feel better soon.

Love
Vonski x