Didn't see this one coming............

angel1 · 21. Jan 2010, 18:16

My beautiful Lynn, who is always first there for everyone else, my heart goes out to you.

All I can do is send you all the healing love in the world.

I`m here if you need me..........Ange.

skezier · 21. Jan 2010, 18:16

Hi Lynn,

Don't you dare apologise. It really is something that suddenly comes piling out and I think most of us know that one. It will be under control again soon Lynn and can you talk to your rumo or nurse? I really hope tomorrow will b a better day and sending you a (((((((((( )))))))))) love Cris xxx

Wonkylegs · 21. Jan 2010, 18:19

collywobble wrote:

Today started off okay...had to go to orthotics for splints. Trudged about 30 miles into the bowels of the hospital, in shoes that I had to squeeze my fat feet into. Hubby dropped me off and walked our dogs, and I'm thinking, that should be me, kicking a ball about and enjoying the day. Looked at my hands as orthotics man tried the splints, and saw 2 sausage rolls where my thumbs should be!! Not good. Came home, went to bed, and sobbed my heart out for hours. Weeks and weeks of bottled up pain, frustration, anger....you name it. Took me completely off guard, and I was lying there wondering is this it...is this as good as it gets? Not knowing when the pain will hit. Appointments for this or that, blood tests, remembering prescriptions. And a year ago my medical records were collecting cobwebs because they never saw daylight!!!

Been having a flare since Christmas - like everyone, and for any newbies reading this - it is nothing compared to what it was before the MTX. But after months of feeling wonderful again, it took the rug out from under me. My hands hurt, my shoulders hurt, and my feet too. And I know it's the nature of the beast - there will be flares (hate that word - I sound like a firework!!!), but family and friends were all thinking I was "better. My dad has been really poorly - we didn't think he'd see Christmas, and I didn't have the heart to say anything. I was glad of the snow, it was the perfect excuse for not driving down to see him. I have the most amazing husband, who's helped me so much through the rough days, and I had to put my brave, smiley face on for him - I know he worries for me. And I miss my mum - it's her birthday coming up, and the 5 year old inside me needs her arms around me, telling me it's all going to be alright.

This is just not me. Baring my soul in public. And you all have your own pain to deal with. I know it will pass - better out than in, eh? And my PM friends - I haven't been holding back, I truly didn't see this coming. Now my keyboard is wet, and I've put you off sausage rolls forever :roll:

My apologies, I really am feeling sorry for myself, but after weeks of bottling everything inside, I think this needed to come out somehow - I hope you'll all understand.

Lynn xx

Lynn you let it out my love ...... better out than in as my friend is fond of saying

I so know what you mean by your frustration and not seeing things coming. Also the frustration of being like this and not seeing the way up ..... but there is a way up if you keep looking for it - it hides and tries not to be found but I am sure you will be able to find it one day soon.

have a huge hug (((((((((((((()))))))))) & remember that just cos today felt bad tomorrow doesn't have to be ............ you just have to be kind to yourself and let up on beating yourself up (yet another thing I could win awards for :roll: :roll: so I do understand what it's like.

huge hugs ((((((((((())))))))))))

try to get some sleep and hopefully that will help

angel1 · 21. Jan 2010, 18:27

I have said this many times on these forums Lynn, but I feel that it bears saying again.

What you are feeling at present is a form of bereavement. You are grieving deeply for the loss of the old Lynn, and it will take time to accept the new one.

I feel that you could be helped by some counselling, but that has to be something that you want to do.

PM me if I can help.........Much love........Ange.

minky67 · 21. Jan 2010, 19:19

Aw Lynn. ((((())))) it happens to us all love. One way or another.
Ive sat here balling my eyes out in my OHs arms telling him i cant carry on like this.He puts me back on my feet til next time.
Then i have the ''im feeling sorry for myself days'' then the angry at myself days when i cant do something that was so simple before arthr came along.
Ive even sat in the bath looking at my horrible hand & knees sobbing quietly so no-one can hear me.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
luv debs ((((()))))

annie_mial · 21. Jan 2010, 22:47

Oh, Lynn, petal, it sounds as if you've got to the very bottom. In which case, just remember that 'the only way is up'!

I agree so much with Ange; I know even now at times I bitterly resent the person I have become. 10 years ago this wasn't on my schedule, retirement was; now that I've reached the bit that we made plans for, hoped for, looked forward to, I don't recognise any of it and it wasn't supposed to be like this!

But it is and we have it a lot better than some and for that I should be grateful. So when I get down now, I not only feel guilty, miserable, and resentful (not to mention angry) I also feel selfish!

I'm not quite sure now what brings me out of those times (once I didn't come out of it for a very long time) but somehow now I find more and more that life creeps in and makes me laugh - sometimes makes me cry - but whatever it does it shakes me back into my reality now which I have to accept.

I've rambled on and probably haven't made any sense, but I will leave it for you for what it is worth.

Lots of love and hugs
Annie
(((((((((Lynn)))))))))

tkachev · 22. Jan 2010, 02:33

It is good to have a cry.We all understand on here,constant pain and good and bad days.You cant plan anything.
Best wishes
elizabeth xx

moonseed · 22. Jan 2010, 04:25

You have just de-briefed yourself, as they call it in the army.
It is very good for you to do this. If you could print it out and then set light to it too, it would be even better.
My heart goes out to you and everyone who finds them self in this position.
It is a terrible disease that no one seems to understand except those who suffer from it.

Anyway, fireworks do go off with a bang sometimes don't they? So your entitled.

Sincerely,
Steph x

wibberley · 22. Jan 2010, 05:00

Hi Lynn,

I've never been a fan of sausage rolls so don't worry about that!!!

I can only agree with what everyone else has said. When you're first diagnosed, the adrenalin kicks in a bit and you search desperately for a cure and fight against what the experts tell you, feeling sure they mustn't know everything (well I did!), then 'bam' it hits you that this is it. It is definitely a form of bereavement in itself and to sob like you have is perfectly normal, in fact not to sob like that probably means someone's in denial. I sobbed for Britain last week, although what triggered that was probably taking 3 sulpha tablets after having none for 6 days (duh!). No wonder I felt as though I was on another planet, but after that sobbing fit in the loo, I felt ready to tackle things again. Just at bedtime the other night I looked down at my feet and ankles and thought 'god they're ugly!' and they are!

Woops, this was supposed to cheer you up! You've got a lot to think about with your dad poorly and what would have been your mums birthday coming up. This was building up for sure, just needed that 30 mile trek through the hospital to tip things over the edge!

Lynn, you've been an absolute life-saver for me, and I wish I could do more than just send virtual hugs ((((()))))). Allow yourself a day to wallow, we all need days like that to just work things through our system. I'm so sure you will get better once that mtx kicks in again and the nights start getting lighter, and flowers start popping up........

Most importantly look after yourself Lynn, things will improve,

Lois xxx

woodbon · 22. Jan 2010, 05:28

Hello, Its good to talk, when you feel so full up. Grief for the way you were, has a habit of making you think you're fine and things are getting much better, but then something, sometimes just a tiny thing will happen, and your grief comes out again to the surface, and you have to let it out.

You'll feel better again, believe me. Your Mum is with you in a way, I'm not coming over all religous, its just that your Mum brought you up, shaped your thoughts and tastes in life. You share DNA, and if your adopted then a great love, which will keep your Mum and anyone you love with you all the time. You'r a strong person, who cares for others and all that is still there, its just you can't see it at the moment, very well. Thats how I try to cope, its been over 20 years since I lost my Mum and 7 since my lovely brother died. Whenever I feel ill or upset, I always find myself wanting my Mummy. I suppose she was my first love!

Your going to be fine, come though this flare, (not so much a fire work, as a distress signal???

)

I hope this doesn't upset you, I just want you to know that you'r normal and right, feeling as you do, but everything will feel better soon. Lots of love and hugs, Love Sue xxxx

lizzie7ne · 22. Jan 2010, 06:28

Hi Lynn

Please dont apologise for posting your feelings, we all feel like this sometimes and this is what the forum is for so we can all help each other and we all know exactly how one another feels.

I have been in your situation as I am sure others have. There are times when I just have to sob and let the frustration and anger out. (and I usually feel better after).

I know what you mean when you feel as if the rug has been pulled from under your feet. I was doing well, and then all of a sudden I went into a huge flare,it just came along unexpectedly.

I hope you are feeling better soon, if you can rest and try not to think of the pain and fatigue (and I know how very hard this is to do) I usually say to myself , Well I have been in an awful flare before and it went so I will do it again (and I do know how hard it is to think like this).

Maybe a call to the Rheumy nurse would help - do you have a helpline number.

I hope you are feeling better soon

lizzie

mellman01 · 22. Jan 2010, 06:49

Hi Lynn hope it passes soon, I don't really know what to say, I just get so angry and upset with things when I read posts like yours me dear, flippin RA and OA.

chris7 · 22. Jan 2010, 06:51

Lynn

So sorry love, I have only just caught up with this. I hope it helped a little to get it down how you were feeling. I can't do more than send a hug (((( )))) but hope you know we are all wishing you better days.
Chris xx

suzster · 22. Jan 2010, 06:52

oh lynn, i'm so sorry you feel so bad, but it is so good to let it out. and crying, i've got so good at hidden tears, when the lights go out and everyone is asleep.
the only way is up, i know what you mean, that thought, feeling that this is it now. i often find myself angry at others, the normal ones, daft i know.
but yes, flares, such a silly word, a flare doesn't any where near describe what we all go through.
i really hope that now you've released your emotion, maybe you'll start feeling better? i really do hope so.

never ever feel bad for letting it all out, yes, rather out than in, so true!
sorry, i'm not much help, but i know, as most of us sadly do, how you are feeling.
i'm sending over some gentle hugs, i'm feeling pretty low at the moment so they are very gentle hug!sue x

Wonkylegs · 22. Jan 2010, 06:59

How are you feeling today Lynn?

did you manage to get a good sleep? & did it help?

I am thinking of you and sending hugs for today ((((((()))))))

frogmorton · 22. Jan 2010, 07:30

Hi Lynn
I am so so sorry I missed your thread

I miss my Mum too - she died 2 1nd a half years ago before all this happened to me too so I can so relate to how you feel.
I HATE remembering repeat prescriptions and all that malarky too

I know you have blessing to count and so do I lots

But nothing replaces your mum. Here I am bawling my eyes out too :oops:
I am glad you have aday out planned and I hope it is good for you and hubby who sounds lovely

You take care
- I agree this forum is wonderful and everyone on it is too

Love
Toni xx

dachshund · 22. Jan 2010, 08:14

Hi Lynne
You are a strong person and a kind one as well.so dont let this get to you.
when the tears come let them it is letting out a lot of tension.
take care
i feel mad as we have been with out heating since yesterday afternoon he is comming some time to day i have vacumed every where and i'm still cold and i have a fleece on its funny really.
joan xx

lindalegs · 22. Jan 2010, 10:36

Ahhhhh Lynn, it will get better, I promise you that with all my heart.

It's part of accepting things mentally that's why you have to cry......but it's not going to be all bad. Take each day as it comes and if you feel sad just let it out and remember a good spell is just around the corner.

Thanks for sharing it with us ...that's why we're here.

Love Legs XX

PS I always cry in the shower, I believe salt water is good for the skin

trisher · 22. Jan 2010, 22:14

Oh Lynn

Crying is like a pressure cooker valve. It is a way of releasing some things,it is a good thing not bad.

We all go on a journey, make plans, what you are going to do, buy, or whatever is was that was in your journey.

Then something, steps in the way. We now have to go on a different path.
It can get hard, but as each day passes, you begin to change.

I know about your mum. We all wish, don't we?

Lynn, you will get there, and that hubby of yours loves you so much. You have not stopped being his wife.

Lean on us Lynn, you are our friend, we love you for being you.

lots of (((((hugs)))))

Love Trish xxx

ps no more Northern Night eh

bet you do. :roll:

skezier · 23. Jan 2010, 03:02

Just leaving you a ((((( ))))) Lynn. xx

valval · 23. Jan 2010, 03:14

hi lynne hope the day with your huband was lovely some days we just need a cuddle.must admit meds are starting to work for me but then something happens and you sink into that feeling that good times are over and you r on a back wards slide you know you are not but when down it feels that way know, i have had more than one tearfull moment so feel for you and do understand (not that keen on sausages ) but you have so many good friends on here that love you as you are you do not have to pretend you can be your self no one will judge they will just offer suport and (((big hugs))) , am hoping you have good weekend and sausages now chipolatas lol

annie_mial · 23. Jan 2010, 12:08

Hello Lynn, how are you today?

I hope you are beginning to feel better and that you've had lots of 'me' and 'us' time.

Spring surely can't be too far round the corner - hopefully that will give us all a boost.

Lots of love
Annie

countessheather · 23. Jan 2010, 16:46

As good as it gets? Ner, it gets better, you've got us lot as well to condtend with Lynn!
Strange, Ive got a mate called Lynn thats got RA too! And believe me luv, it takes more than your thumbs to put me off a nice, juicy banger

and I'de rather be a firework than a pair of polyester trousers from the 70's any day!
How frustraiting to think that you had conqered the mountain only to find out that you were not Mohamid either! Hang in there. You may have to have a few more jump-starts before you get your levels right and stop having the `flares' . I realy do hope that you do not turn out to be one of those folk who end up being uncontrolled and going back to DMARTS years later because all the combinations and biologicals fail you. I dont think this will be the case, but, you will have to face the fact that `flares' will never be out of fashion for some of us! Hug!

countessheather · 24. Jan 2010, 04:40

You can call me anything you like so long as you dont call me late for my dinner! Im going to post a `profile' and I do not expect a curtsy although some people have called me `mam' and in a court of law, everyone remains standing until I have seated! You can contact me on [Text delted] too if you like. At last a `sence of huomur'. Its like a breath of spring air! You know, some of these websites are like drawing out teeth - they just don't understand humour, let alone english humour! They are `sooo PC and uptightl' . I know the moderators have a difficult job at times, but I do wonder about the `individuals 'themselfs particularly on international sites and what motivates a `minority reporter'to do it. Could it be a `power' thing? Or just a need for `Cruse controll'?
Oh, I do hope we will become good friends! Your approach is so natural. Im struggeling like the devil and have been for about 2 months as I have been `trapped' at my mothers in Oxfordshire with all the lousey weather before and after Christmas and had to `temporary register' at her GP's. He did come out with what I thought was an outlandish remark about `vitamin D' and he had read that it was good for Fibromyalgia! But?Heather xx :roll:

[This post has been edited by the forum moderator in accordance with our terms and conditions of use, clause 3.4, as it contained a users contact details - MC]

Didn't see this one coming............

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