Breaking News......Post it on here

joanlawson · 11. Apr 2011, 21:28

Breaking news from Libya........

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره
م.

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

Ice rink will replace Parliament...

Considering that nothing useful ever comes out of the House of Commons the PM is considering converting the chamber into a public ice rink. The practice of skating on thin ice will therefore continue.

Morris Dancers Find Employment - Dig That!

A group of unemployed Morris Dancers from Sheffield have found themselves work. As well as formation dancing and ringing bells, they will be digging for coal. The group will be known as Morris Minors!

Patients banned from hospitals on health grounds

Patients are to be banned from hospitals in England because they spread infection, the government has announced. From tomorrow, three-mile "exclusion zones" will be set up around whatever NHS facilities are still remaining following the current cutbacks, with only medical staff, managers and accredited journalists allowed inside the cordon.

EXCLUSIVE: UK government's use of weapons of mass boredom revealed

The government is in disarray tonight after an investigation revealed sensational details about the secret programme for creating "weapons of mass boredom".

The private investigator who led the search reported that he was "absolutely shocked" and "very worried" about his discovery. "Who knows what could happen if the government decided to use these weapons of mass boredom," he panicked. "They could bore us all senseless. They could turn people off politics completely! Just imagine the effect that would have on democracy!"

Kate Moss 'reaches size zero'

Supermodel Kate moss today sparked fresh controversy in the entertainment world when it emerged that she has achieved her long-time target of becoming 'size zero'.
In an official statement the British Psychological Institute confirmed recent testing had verified that the supermodel's IQ had reached exactly 0. "What concerns us most is that she is a role model for thousands of young girls, who in the name of fashion will attempt to emulate Ms Moss by losing as much intelligence as they can until their intellect has no weight whatsoever,"

cthornley · 12. Apr 2011, 08:18

:shock: - this is the most in depth and accurate reporting i've read all week

I hope they have considered the implications of listed building consent - is big ben to be a viewing platform?

Chrissie

Rictina · 12. Apr 2011, 08:21

love it ..

joanlawson · 12. Apr 2011, 10:56

The Shame of Eton

A grim Headmaster, followed by his staff walked into the school assembly and went onto the stage so they could look down on the uneasy crowd of boys beneath them.

'Someone has been lying and no one will leave this room until I find out who it was' brayed the Headmaster.

Silence.

'Come on I know who you are. You just have to have the guts to admit it!'

'It could be me, Sir' piped a frightened voice.

'Clegg, we already know about your lies. This is something new. Now I want the person responsible to own up.'

'It could be me, sir' blurted a tearful Osborne in terror.

'Stop snivelling Osborne. It is not you this time.'

'I could be me' suggested Flash Cameron.

'Yes Cameron. It could be you. It is you. Lying again about your visions. Do we need a psychiatrist for you?'

'No Sir. I saw this vision of a Big Elephant.'

'Nonsense. There are no Big Elephants. This is a fantasy so we fail to see the emptyness of your head, Cameron.'

'Yes sir.'

'I've warned you before not to tell these lies. I warn you, Cameron, if you go on like this you will end up in Public Relations. You will bring shame on Eton and your whole family. I will hear no more of these Big Elephant visions.'

'It was last term's fault' shouted Cameron 'they left this elephant in the toilets.'

Chorus 'It was last term's fault', It was last term's fault IT WAS LAST TERM'S FAULT.

joanlawson · 12. Apr 2011, 11:20

Police in Scotland Question Moussa Koussa

A spokesman has confirmed that they are also interested in speaking to Goosey Loosey and Foxy Loxy.

Moussa Koussa Becomes UK's Most Popular Cat Name

A Spokesman for Britain's Royal Society of Cats announced today that Moussa-Koussa has just overtaken Tiddles as the UK's most popular name for **** cats.

"Cat lovers traditionally like to include a few S's in their chosen names", explained Dame Hermione Pushkin-Spode on behalf of the Society. "This is because it's long been suspected that **** respond positively to the S sound.

"Moussa-Koussa is perfect for the modern age," she continued. "It enjoys a wonderfully understated 'mouse' image, coupled with a matching pair of double S's. Cats names don't come better than this."

Footbal Now to be Played after 9 pm!

The FA ha decided that all matches in the Football League must be played after 9 pm - the well known Watershed. As children will be in bed by that time they will not have to hear footballers swear.

Wedding Shock

There was no news of any kind about the Royal Wedding today in a shock development that is causing a crash on the stock exchange.

joanlawson · 13. Apr 2011, 06:46

Parmesan Cheese Manufacturer Takes Out Patent On Sweaty Socks

Just in - Italian Parmesan cheese manufacturing market leader, 'Mister Whiffy' has launched an unprecedented patent pending bid for sweaty socks.

"We are protecting our interests inna de market" said Signor Kraft Dolcelatte of 'Mister Whiffy.'

joanlawson · 14. Apr 2011, 07:34

Nurses to Wear New Badges!

In a bid to keep doctors away, NHS nurses have resorted to wearing small enamel badges which show rosy apples. "They really do work!" Said Sister Norma Snockers at St Bartholomew's Hospital today.

B & B Dread of Sham Marriages

Bed and Breakfast owners are worried by increasing numbers of people in sham marriages who are visiting their establishments. 'I am tired of Mr & Mrs Smith always coming to stay' complained one.

Farmer Paints Sheep Orange to Prevent Rustling

In the same vein, the Irish scientists have painted the laboratory mice with oil to prevent them squeaking!

joanlawson · 17. Apr 2011, 18:43

After All These Years…

A teenage couple who met in a revolving door over 20 years ago, at Harrods in London are still going around together.

Clarke Problem

David Cameron has decided that sending Kenneth Clarke to prison would be a waste of time.

Basil Fawlty Remark Gets Revamp!

"Don't mention the war!!" has now been upgraded to "Don't mention the Wedding!"said the Archbshopp of Canterbury

joanlawson · 18. Apr 2011, 19:24

Top Marks for Trainee Pilot

A trainee pilot flew through a rainbow during his air experience examination - of course, he passed with flying colours!

Marathon Runner Frustrated

A man who couldn't find the start of the Marathon decided the event must be a Greek myth.

joanlawson · 19. Apr 2011, 06:17

Twitter Bird Killed By House Cat

The little blue Twitter bird is dead. It was slain today by a house cat named Ginger. The little Twitter bird was in a garden pecking at the keyboard of an open laptop when Ginger pounced on it.

"Tweet, tweet" said the Twitter bird, just before it died.

Trying to Escape the Weeding

I am trying to escape from all the treacle dripping from the media about the weeding day. I don't see why I should do the weeding, my allotment is in fine shape and I will be spending the forthcoming weeding holiday with earphones firmly in my ears tuned to my favourite music.
This does not include the weeding march, which is the tune that was used to open our local marriage guidance centre.

joanlawson · 19. Apr 2011, 17:45

The pregnancy chair

A chair in a hotel in Luton has been dubbed the "Pregnancy Chair" has been moved into the honeymoon suite.

"It's a really special chair," said Russ Epshon, manager of Roman's Hotel in Luton. "For the past five years it's sat in the office. We've had nine women work for us over that period who sat in that chair. All of them became pregnant within six weeks of starting to sit in the chair. Even Caroline, and she's transgendered!"

joanlawson · 20. Apr 2011, 16:23

Baked Bean Found In Aldi Beans Tin

Student Phil Yurboots, 36, from Swindon was amazed when he opened a tin of Aldi's own brand beans and found nearly a dozen beans inside.
'I hope their standards aren't slipping,' said Phil.

Cameron Told "Don't Panic!"

"We're right behind you," says Clegg.

"I've Had to Kiss a Lot of Frogs..." says Kate Middleton

"The worst being Sarkozy."

Repeats

Anything on TV tonight? NO. Anything on Telly tomorrow? NO. What about the next day? Repeat NO.

joanlawson · 21. Apr 2011, 11:56

Procrastinators Anonymous Meeting To Be Held

Procrastinators Anonymous will be rescheduling the meeting that was post-poned from last month to sometime in the near future at a place and time that are yet to be determined.

PamieAFC1903 · 21. Apr 2011, 12:03

Oh joan, best pieces of journalism I have EVER SEEN

. Maybe you should start in the career of it, atleast the news will be entertaining instead of dull

joanlawson · 28. Apr 2011, 20:27

CAMERON HOT AIR TO POWER 20000 HOMES

In an announcement today, David Cameron is to contribute all the hot air from his speeches to a new power station, which will heat and light 20,000 homes in his Witney constituency.
A spokesperson for the National Grid said, "This is a marvellous opportunity to show the country that renewable energy works. David Cameron only has to make one speech about immigration, one speech about taxation and one speech about education per month, to provide the power station with enough hot air to power an estimated 20,000 homes in Oxfordshire".

LOCAL DOCTOR IN HOME VISIT SHOCK

A Community Health Council announced that it was investigating claims that a local Doctor actually visited a patient in her own home, to carry out an examination. A spokesperson said,"We apologise for the behaviour of the Doctor. He should have known the rules. We can assure all our patients that home visits are unacceptable in the modern NHS".
The Community Health Council Chairperson declined to comment on the incident, except to say that these occurrences were, "Very rare"

GOVERNMENT TO FORCE
HOUSEHOLDERS TO MAKE CUPS OF TEA FOR BURGLARS

In a startling new twist to the argument over the rights of householders in dealing with burglars, the government has announced that from now on every householder, confronted with a burglar breaking into their home, will be obliged to make a cup of tea for the intruder. Amongst the other new measures are laws which ban householders from raising their voices in the presence of a burglar and another, preventing householders from locking their doors and windows. On the other hand, burglars will be banned from asking for more than two biscuits with their statutory cup of tea.
The Home Office Minister said that, "These new laws will redress the balance between the obligations of the householder and the rights of the burglar". A commons amendment to give burglars the choice of tea or coffee is to be voted on tomorrow.

"LOTTERY WIN WILL NOT CHANGE MY LIFE", SAYS QUEEN

Speaking exclusively to the chit-chat forum, Elizabeth Windsor(Her Majesty The Queen) talks about her win on the Lotto National Lottery, last week.
"One was very surprised and happy when one checked ones numbers on teletext. One could not believe it, at first. Then it suddenly dawned on one that one had all six numbers plus the bonus ball. One was gobsmacked"
"One realises that to some people fifteen million pounds is lot of money, but one will not be changing ones lifestyle because of ones lottery win. One will still be an ordinary Queen fulfilling ones duties to ones country.
One also believes that the money should be put to good use benefiting the community, at large. For this reason one might, for example, completely refurbishing the bowing and scraping room in Buckingham Palace. The carpet is so worn with all those people groveling before one, it looks a mess".

joanlawson · 30. Apr 2011, 19:46

Wedding hats to be recycled

Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have been contacted by TV gardener, Monty Don. "I'm interested in their Philip Treacy hats", said Don today.

''I could use them in the greenhouse.''

Another hat once worn by Beatrice.

Royal Wedding - Tara Palmer-Tomkinson Sent To McDonald's Drive Thru
Socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was sent from Buckingham Palace in the Royal landau to pick up a takeaway order from a drive-thru McDonald's in Neasden. Reports coming in appear to suggest that the Royal Wedding guests scoffed all the pies, and the palace ran out of grub, necessitating the mercy dash.

According to sources, neither Palmer-Tomkinson nor Victoria Beckham ate all the pies, but sidelong glances were being cast at Camilla by suspicious observers.

joanlawson · 2. May 2011, 19:49

Bin and Gone

Osama's bin and gone.

Sources Reveal That Burial At Sea For Osama Bin Laden Required A Huge Toilet

Osama Bin Laden, who was shot and killed in his Pakistan compound on May 1st, was buried at sea by U.S. Forces. One of the soldiers said that Obama's "burial at sea" took a very large toilet. Private Luke Johnson remembered that "when one of our goldfish died when we were kids, our parents would put it into the toilet and then flush it down. They told us that our little pet had now been buried at sea."

Now Married, Prince William Leaves Behind Trail Of Broken Hearts

With the royal nuptials a done deal, biographer Kitten Lee Kelly has compiled a "tell all" list of the women who have been loved and left by the dashing, very tall Prince. Here's a sneak peek of who they are!

Drekka di Beckwith of Pukeingham

Sissy Maplethorpe Gagwith

BellaWhammy Luttonfield Buttlebumster

Fecka Feckless Peckerface

Pippi Longstockingswishingham

Tippie TylerCanoe

Lady Drubbing of Humpington

Wendy Sue Johnson (Groupietown, Ohio)

Princess Suzie (country unknown)

Lady Joss Stone of Rocknroll

Posh Chicks Nos. 5-10

joanlawson · 3. May 2011, 07:22

SAS Facing Recruitment Crisis

Brigadier Richard Dennis, head of the UK Infantry Division, has revealed that the Special Air Services is in the middle of a major recruitment crisis.
''We just can't seem to find anyone interested in undergoing extreme training to lie stock still in the desert for weeks on end with nothing to occupy your time other than making up as many words as possible from the letters S-A-H-A-R-A.
Similarly, there also seemed to be a dearth of people willing to wade through miles and miles of snake infested swamps with nothing but freeze dried marmite to eat.''

Strange but true.

Royal Wedding Nominated For Academy Award

A new award category has been specifically created: "Best Royal Wedding Movie Of The Year", and hands down, Royal Wedding is going to take home the golden Oscar statuette.

Congrats to Royal Wedding and all the smiling, waving performers and horses who participated in it. Well done for the Oscar win!

The question now: is there a "Royal Wedding Part 2" in the works?

Stay tuned

joanlawson · 3. May 2011, 18:41

rehab44 wrote:

OOAQICI82QB4IP

Hello Rehab

Is this a secret code for some breaking news which has passed me by :?:

I wasn't sure whether anyone actually looks at this thread, so at least you did, even if I don't understand your post.

Joan

coco67 · 3. May 2011, 18:44

i read them and have laffed at some of them, i wonder what you will find next.

joanlawson · 3. May 2011, 20:01

Thanks Coco, the aim is to make you laff. Actually, I've just noticed that there's been over 300 views so far, so someone must be reading them. Here's the next one:

PUNCTUATION EXPERT IN A COMMA AFTER COLON OPERATION

Well known punctuation expert, Willy Dotit, is seriously ill at Prince Phillip Hospital, after a colon operation.

A spokesperson for the hospital said, "Mr Dotit lapsed in to a comma after a routine colon operation yesterday.
Hopes of Mr Dotit’s recovery are not yet dashed. The hospital expects him to make a full recovery, although there is still a question mark over the hospital’s behaviour in this matter. This is the second incident in a week, since the hospital’s budget was slashed. The hospital has said, "There is no crisis, here - full stop".

joanlawson · 3. May 2011, 20:28

rehab44 wrote:

OOAQICI82QB4IP

I've worked it out now-( bit slow on the uptake, I know :roll: )

ICYU82QB4UP..............so do I

Joan

joanlawson · 4. May 2011, 04:24

Oh, haven't I got it right then :?: I thought I was so clever too :!: Hence my previous reply.

cthornley · 4. May 2011, 08:00

Village to close after contributing nothing to its local Tesco

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2009/12/09/village-to-close-after-contributing-nothing-to-local-tesco-430/

Chrissie

joanlawson · 4. May 2011, 23:04

cthornley wrote:

Village to close after contributing nothing to its local Tesco

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2009/12/09/village-to-close-after-contributing-nothing-to-local-tesco-430/

Chrissie

Thanks for your contribution, Chrissie. Very funny, with an element of truth

joanlawson · 4. May 2011, 23:06

rehab44 wrote:

joanlawson wrote:

Oh, haven't I got it right then :?: I thought I was so clever too :!: Hence my previous reply.

do you want a clue?

I give in :!: Give us a clue, Len, please.

Breaking News......Post it on here

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