Mum's not coping well

tjt6768 · 24. Oct 2012, 10:42

Hi folks. Some of you know what's happened with my Dad passing away in August. Mum stayed here with us a while and then a couple of weeks or so ago she went back home to Skeggy.
Well, she's been hiding how bad things have been from us all. We spoke to her on the phone on saturday and it all came out... She's not coping at all.. So, we packed a bag and drove down straight away. Brought her home with us on sunday. She doesn't think that she will be able to live down there in her own. It's such a shame as it's a lovely place to live and she's got lots of lovely neighbours..
We have told her to stay with us as long as she needs or wants to. She'll have to put her name on the council waiting list. Her house is a park home just down the road from fantasy islands in skeggy, it's a lovely place but they're not selling well at all.. Especially at this time of the year, so it may take quite a while to sell.. At least she knows she's more than welcome here.

I love my mum dearly and hate to see her suffering.. Dad's loss has been extremely hard on us all but mum the most of course.

We are still waiting for a response from the trust. In our eyes they were very neglectful in the first instance, which caused him to have to have emergency surgery and a stoma bag..
It's a long story and difficult one to tell.

I just needed to write it down and get it out..

This is all very raw for me still.

Sorry for harping on.

fowls48 · 24. Oct 2012, 10:48

Ah Tony

Sorry your mum is not coping , it is hard especially when they have been together a long time , This will be the hardest time for her as she is on her own .
Hope she picks up soon , you are a good son , hope mine turns out just like you .

karen xxx

Numptydumpty · 24. Oct 2012, 11:10

Dear Tony, it's still early days, you are all still reeling from the shock and sadness of it all.
Your mum is lucky in as much as she has such a loving, caring son.
You will get through this together, but it takes time. You're doing all the right things, being there for your mum, is the best thing you can do.
Thinking of you all,
Numpty

villier · 24. Oct 2012, 11:42

Awe Tony no need for sorry you rant on all you want, hopefully it makes you feel a wee bit better, your mum is lucky to have such a lovely son, as the saying goes time is a great healer, it takes some of us a little bit longer than others, I am sure you will gain strength from one another.......tc.......Marie x

barbara12 · 24. Oct 2012, 12:17

Aww Tony..I do feel for all of you, and your poor mum will feel so lonely without your dad, but if I could give one piece of advice..it would be that she takes some time to think about things, my dad who is no longer with us nearly gave up his home when my mum died...he kept on coming and going between us and his house, till one day he decided he could stay at home.
I am so glad she has you to stay with,while she has time to think,all you can do is look after one another xxx

JuliaHod12 · 24. Oct 2012, 12:49

aaaww Tony, such a shame for all of you :-(
its not a good situation is it...........we lost my father n law back in August this year and Mum isnt coping that great either......because she spent so long caring for dad, she has lost contact with most of her old chums.
its fortunate she live very nearby so all the family can pop in to keep an eye on her (shes 78)

i so feel for you all in this situation, and as you say places arent selling at this time of year........ :-(
fingers crossed you will all find a way through this

bless you xxxx

tjt6768 · 24. Oct 2012, 13:08

thank you girls. Xx

Barbara, I think it'll take a long time to sell anyway so she'll still have chance to change her mind.
I am so grateful to you all..
Xx

valval · 24. Oct 2012, 14:23

it so early for her to make any decisions bless her she must not know if she coming or going and she might feel different come summer it is a lovely site and would be shame if she could not keep van on but quite understand how she must feel to be there alone with out him so no rush wait till she feeling stronger and more sure of what she wants give her hug and tell her you love her (as know you do) and to take it a day at a time no rush val

frogmorton · 24. Oct 2012, 15:01

It was easier for me Tony - my Mum was really close by and l saw her every day after my Dad went.

If she wants to move nearer to you all I get it

and yes let's hope she can get housed close by.

Love to her and you all too

Toni xxx

7worlds · 24. Oct 2012, 16:31

Hey Tony. Just wanted to say that it must be a difficult time for you. Your Mum is so lucky to have you and your OH. I think of all the people there are who loose someone and have no one to help and support them. They must be so lonely.Its so sad.

7Worlds

elnafinn · 24. Oct 2012, 18:44

tjt6768 wrote:

thank you girls. Xx
Barbara, I think it'll take a long time to sell anyway so she'll still have chance to change her mind.
I am so grateful to you all..
Xx

Dear Tony,

I am so sorry to hear that your mum is not coping too well but that is only to be expected. She is so lucky to have such a caring son and family. In a way it may be a blessing in disguise that her home may take a while to sell because as Barbara says, given time she could well change her mind about where she would like to live. I have heard from various sources it is a good idea if at all possible, to wait at least a year before making any set decisions.

Elna x

wall1409 · 25. Oct 2012, 03:48

Its very early days Tony, you all need to grieve then remember the fun times. Time is a great healer and you will all get through this , my heart goes out to you and your family. Chin up, things always sort themselves out in the end xx

tjt6768 · 25. Oct 2012, 06:33

Thank you Elna,Walli.. I really appreciate the replies

I'm sure we will get there in the end, as you've said, it's very early days yet.
We were all very close.. Spent a lot of time together even though mum n dad lived at skeggy. We stayed with them, they always stayed with us even though I have more brothers here in Leeds.
We went on holidays together all the time too. He could be hard work, but then again maybe I was to him.. I was always on at him to have his heart checked, but he wouldn't..
Anyway, I digress...

Thank you all once again..

bubbadog · 25. Oct 2012, 07:50

Tony it's great what your doing for your mom, and she obviously doesn't want to be in her home anymore, I don't need to explain why. She needs to be with you where she feels loved or close to you and feels Skeggy holds memories of her husband which feel to raw at the moment. I'm sure you feel the same as you where all close as you say. As you say the housing market is rock bottom and houses aren't selling and it will get slower now Christmas is coming (I used to work at an estate agents!) So if she wants to sell the house you could put it on the market and if she changes her mind she can always take it off the market. I know you feel it's a shame she wants to sell it but maybe she feels she needs a complete change now she's on her own, I say that because when my MIL passed away and Dad was on his own he decided to completely re-decorate the house top to bottom! Changed the look completely. Being together will help you all get through the raw pain. All you can do is be there for your mom. You take care Tony. Big (((HUGS))) to you & Jan and fuss to the big white dope. xx

diamond · 25. Oct 2012, 09:10

Sorry to hear your mum is struggling Tony,it is indeed a difficult time after the loss of a loved one.It is good that she has you and Janet to help her at this time,you will all be very emotional so please take things slowly.She is lucky that she has a caring son and daughter in law.Only time will help ease the pain a little.(((( ))))

tjt6768 · 25. Oct 2012, 12:24

thank you bubbster, diamond
We went to see mi grandma today (mum's mum) she has a touch of dementia.. She waited until mum was out of the room and asked where mi dad was.. Again.. Bless her. It's like she knows that something is wrong but can't remember what. Then she just burst into tears when mum came back. When mum asked her why she said 'i don't want to tell you' like she knew, then when mum started to cry she said.. What are you crying for?
She's wonderful is Grandma.. Mum left the room again and she said.. Where's tommy? lol

Susiesoo · 25. Oct 2012, 15:46

Hi Tony - I'm sorry to hear your mum is struggling. As everyone has said, it is understandable, it is still very early days and it must still be such a shock.

She is so lucky to have you there. I'm still thinking of you all.

Susie

tjt6768 · 25. Oct 2012, 20:20

thanks hun. That's very kind of you

Aaaarrgh... I should be sleeping now but the joints have other ideas :x everything is buzzing away furiously... Just want it to stop so I can get some sleep :roll:

Christimay · 25. Oct 2012, 21:18

Hi tony it was so touching what you said about your mam and gran, she is maybe old, but obviously felt your mums pain, and was crying for her because she sensed something, it does take time tony I know you are probably sick hearing that and reading it, my mum stayed with me for 6 months when my dad died,I'm not sure that was good for her because she had to go back to her house on her own, coming from my house with four kids and two dogs, she must have been lost, just support your mam tony and give her hug when she needs it, personally I think your mam must be so proud of you for caring so much and your dad probably knew that you would look after her but you have to grieve as well tony I couldn't when my mam was here but tony just try and get a rest when needed and don't wear yourself out wishing you well and thinking of your mam.

tjt6768 · 26. Oct 2012, 07:05

thank you hun... Xx

Christimay wrote:

Hi tony it was so touching what you said about your mam and gran, she is maybe old, but obviously felt your mums pain, and was crying for her because she sensed something, it does take time tony I know you are probably sick hearing that and reading it, my mum stayed with me for 6 months when my dad died,I'm not sure that was good for her because she had to go back to her house on her own, coming from my house with four kids and two dogs, she must have been lost, just support your mam tony and give her hug when she needs it, personally I think your mam must be so proud of you for caring so much and your dad probably knew that you would look after her but you have to grieve as well tony I couldn't when my mam was here but tony just try and get a rest when needed and don't wear yourself out wishing you well and thinking of your mam.

joanlawson · 27. Oct 2012, 08:53

Tony, your Mum is bound to be still feeling the shock of your Dad's death, as you all are. I'm sure that she feels the need to be with her family at present to help her to come to terms with her loss. You are a very good son to your mother, and I'm sure that time will help her to decide what to do for the best. In the meantime, you are doing everything that you possibly can by supporting and helping her. Take care of yourself too, won't you?
Thinking of you all
Joan ((((( ))))))

tkachev · 28. Oct 2012, 05:36

I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this pain.

I would think your Mum wants to be near her remaining loved ones. Her present home will no longer feel the same without your Dad.

One word of warning and sorry to be practical when you feel so upset but will the council re-house her if she has sold a property she previously owned? They don't usually rehouse and they expect people to live off the proceeds of any sale so this cause an issue with any means- tested benefits she will receive.

I just wanted you to be aware as this could cause even more upset.

Elizabeth

dachshund · 28. Oct 2012, 09:23

Hello Tony Janet and Tonys Mum
i just want to wish you all the best
((((((((Tony Janet Tony's Mum))))))))
joan sue xx

tjt6768 · 28. Oct 2012, 13:48

thanks ladies... Xx
E.. She has a park home, they're really not selling well and to be honest, she's not gonna get much from it after the sale, thank you for mentioning though hun.. X

Mum's in primrose valley with my younger brother and his family. Spoke to her earlier, she's had a good day today, the kids are a great distraction..

Once again, thanks for the replies...

mig · 28. Oct 2012, 13:52

Thinking of you all.Mig

tjt6768 · 28. Oct 2012, 17:56

thanks hun

mig wrote:

Thinking of you all.Mig

Mum's not coping well

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