Scared ********

sunnyhours · 25. Sep 2013, 14:32

Hey Everyone!

I know it's been a while guys! Sorry I've been away so long I wasn't here to help some of you keep your optimism up

I'm going through some tough times myself. I got a new job that's pretty great! I do customer service over the phone and sit in a chair all day (the chair could be comfier though :P). They are pretty lenient on absences and lateness. Which, on some morning is a godsend (although the pay isn't). However, I recently got pretty sick with a sinusitis. I got my antibiotics and steroids. But I still couldn't work for 3 days after seeing the doc (which was incredibly beautiful! lol).

Turns out the beautiful doc that was almost my age, made me forget to ask for the sick leave note. I was also told the prescription would do for my day of absence, I hadn't planned on being sick for another 3 days...

As for why I'm writing here? Sorry, didn't mean to write a book.
Today, I have a flare up of my arthritis and my hidradenitis suppurativa has been flaring for quite some time and it's all very painful, hence I'm not going to work today AGAIN, and that just gets my anxiety sky high! I literally had a panic attack.
For now I guess I'll stay positive and end this by saying I'm thankful for not having any pain much in my hip/knee/feet and that today it's only really bad in my neck and lower back.
I have to add, I even started skateboarding, I bought a longboard and I really love it, I think it's actually helping me build my muscles in my knees and feet making them hurt less (PM me if you want more details...).
Hope everyone has a better day than I :P
At least I'm not working today :?

Edited by Moderator due to language in Title....Moderator JK

dreamdaisy · 25. Sep 2013, 16:22

Well, hello to you sunnyhours, you are indeed a stranger to these forums. I am sorry to read that things are not going too well for you, what a bummer that must be. I think, however, that hope is there in the far distance, yes? Things are rough but they have been better and can be again. Hang on to that thought, OK? DD

sunnyhours · 29. Oct 2013, 12:10

Hi Daisy!

Thanks for the answer...I'm actually debating giving my resignation from work as the pain has been too much :shock:
Going for an X-Ray tomorrow as well as probably quitting work. The truth is, I can't deal with getting a Diagnosis (and the subsequent treatments) while going to work at the same time.
Even if I go today for the X-Rays, it would take 2-3 weeks for her to receive it...Also since doctors don't want to prescribe me any pain killers I'm left on my own with the suffering. Now I'm also starting to suffer from panic attacks due to not being able to show up at work (for pain) and I'm also becoming increasingly depressed...
I have also started to self-harm for emotional pain created by real pain LOL I know it's messed up...I think subconsciously I hit myself to feel pain elsewhere and I must of figured I'm pretty good at enduring physical pain, therefore if I express my emotionnal pain as physical pain I'll be better able to deal with it?

I don't sleep much anymore, every position seems to hurt my back, even though I sleep on a brand new Memory Foam bed, and take some sleeping pills before sleep.
The pain just keeps me awake. I also loss most of my appetite and have to force myself to at least eat once per day (and I only eat half the meal...)

I'm sure it'll be hell to find some work after that but I try not to think about this and try resolve my pain (physical) issues and my anxiety (mental) issues, which they are probably related...

Now I'm just scared that I'll quit my job and even though I do every tests they order, they won't find anything, hence still won't help me...

As weird as it sounds I'm just really worried that don't find anything wrong and that I'm just left to suffer...

Sorry for the book,
Thanks for listening

suzygirl · 29. Oct 2013, 13:42

You sound overwhelmed which is understandable. I suggest you speaking to your gp honestly about how you are feeling and see if they would sign you off work to give you some breathing space. The gp should be able to arrange for you to have some counselling. It can really help to talk to someone about what is happening and how to cope with it all.

Sometimes we just need time and space to try and sort out how we feel about things and find the best coping mechanism. (If that makes sense! :oops: ) I found talking to a stranger really helped me come to terms with it all, I am still grieving but I know it is natural as I miss not being able to do things as easily.

Physio and Occupational Therapy can also help you find new ways of doing things and suggest gadgets that will help. I am sure they can help make your work life easier as well.

I really wish you well, make time for yourself to do the things you enjoy. Chat with friends, play silly games, watch tv or read a good book. I got a kindle as I couldn't hold a book any more and it is brilliant.

Take care

sunnyhours · 29. Oct 2013, 15:44

I have a reference to a Physiatrist but it could take months to have an appointment...and I fear not being able to last this long.
I actually asked her to have a day off today so that I could take things slow...but she said no, and I feel so bad right now and after being rejected so many times by doctors I'm kinda not good at defending myself and expressing why I need those days off...

However I have missed so much work already I doubt that would change anything...I just feel like I'll be in this pain for another month or so and really, I can't take anymore...I've lost 20 pounds in under a week...
I'm just not sure how to plead my case anymore, and I'm not sure I even have the energy to fight for the meds I so desperately need for some relief (I am aware that probably nothing will take the pain away completely though).

I'm actually thinking quite darkly these days...compared to how joyful I was just a few months ago...

P.S: love my kindle too! It's so light I can hold it at my eye level, so it kinda helps with neck pain indirectly :P

Scared ********

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