My shoes

Numptydumpty Member Posts: 6,415
edited 23. Jun 2016, 16:44 in Community Chit-chat archive
I have a pair of shoes. I don't like them, they are horrible shoes, but try as I might, I can't take them off! My shoes are ugly and they hurt me and make me feel sad.
I didn't choose my shoes. I would have chosen dancing shoes, or hiking boots, flip flops or some really pretty slippers with tiny heels and red fluff.
Some people say "Why don't you just take your shoes off?"
When I say "I can't," they just look at me unbelievingly, smirk and walk away.
Some people say "Oh, I had some shoes like that once. I was clever, much smarter than you, and far more determined. I just took my shoes off and threw them away. They've never come back because I did it properly".
These people tell me ways of getting my shoes off, most of which I've already tried. When their ways don't work for me, they get angry with me. They say I'm not doing it properly, not trying hard enough, or worst of all, I don't really want to take my shoes off!
I'm resigned to the fact I'm stuck with my shoes. I do all I can to make them more comfortable, easier to live with, walk in.
Some days I can live with my shoes. Some days they pinch and bite and snap so hard, I'm defeated and just cry.
This is my lot.
Please don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.



  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,325
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I think you have the right kind of shoes. You just have the wrong kind of feet. Me too. They tend not to fit properly in any kind of shoes including the bespoke surgical ones. I've recently had to tell my orthotist what should be done to make them walkable in. In the good old days, his predecessor used to tell me that. This one doesn't know. In fact, he doesn't even know which is my right shoe and which is my left so I have to label them for him.

    So, here's some more advice you're probably almost familiar with.

    1. Try lining your shoes with celery.

    2. Wear copper toe bracelets.

    3. Your shoes have an imbalance. Swinging from a trapeze will help to correct this.

    4. You are using the wrong kind of shoe polish. You need one that is gluten free.

    5. You are over-medicated. Ditch the DMARDS and spend an hour or two each day in your own 'Happy Place'. (Put that bottle of wine down first.)

    6. Take up marathon running.

    7. Rub your shoes twice daily in the most expensive shoe-removing cream you can find. If you can't actually reach your feet to do this buy the cream anyway and show it to your shoes. This can be equally effective. The point is to buy the expensive cream.

    8. Cut out all dairy, protein, fats, starch and carbs from your diet. After a week your shoes will be transformed.

    9. Your shoes require a more holistic approach. Eat lots of stuff you've never heard of which can't be found in your average supermarket then look at it for several hours wondering how to cook it. Your shoes will love it.

    10. If all else fails do remember that tripe is the universal remedy for everything.

    And...(((( )))) xxxx
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 26,869
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00

    I think that is a really really great poem.

    I like it far better than the spoon theory which takes so long people can give up on it.

    Thank you so much for posting it and to Stickywicket - I've TRIED all those!!!

    Take care


    Toni xxx

    Toni xxx
  • moderator
    moderator Moderator Posts: 4,088
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00

    That is brilliant

    Thank you so much

    Mod Yvonne x
  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,150
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    That poem made me cry. Mig
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    That was great Numpty as was your response Sticky. Could I have permission to copy it to share with the person at work who I have my fortnightly review meetings with please. I will credit you of course.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    That is very good Numpty. A good way to explain things. Sticky, I'll have to try a few of those things.
  • Numptydumpty
    Numptydumpty Member Posts: 6,415
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you all for your lovely comments!

    Sticky, thanks for the advice, some of which I haven't come across before. I will be trying it all, except for the bit which requires me to put the wine bottle down, I'm afraid that's stuck just as firmly as my shoes :wink:

    Toni, you're too kind :oops:

    Mod Yvonne, thank you

    Mig, sorry mate X

    Slosh, please do, I hope it helps

    Applerose, thank you

  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,325
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Sticky, thanks for the advice, some of which I haven't come across before.

    Really? Lucky you :wink:

    I like the independence of thought that adapts the 'wine bottle' one, though :cheers:
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,129
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Numpty that is brilliant..strange but it brought a tear to my eyes.. :) x
  • Airwave!
    Airwave! Member Posts: 2,424
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Your shoes need to be adapted, I suggest a walk in some mildlly wild surf, the salt and sand will do the rest, be careful not to spill the wine.....