Friendship

annebr

There have been many threads about friendship and the impact arthritis has. As I have mentioned my oldest friend has been very distant, only seen her once in 16 months despite living a 15 min drive away. At one point when I tried to talk to her she told me 'to get over it'.

She had emailed me today saying that I sounded down and she worries. Well I have replied to her email trying to explain how I feel. I just hope that it was the right thing to do, i felt I was losing the friendship anyway. My only concern is that she will be upset and maybe take it the wrong way.

This has been upsetting me for a while now but, have I done the right thing?

Anne

skezier

Hi Anne,

I am sorry to read your having this problem. For what its worth I think you did the right thing, honesty being the best thing normally. I know friendship can be put under threat with any condition and hope so much that she will understand and be there for you. ((( ))) Cris x

jaspercat

Hi, I agree as well it is best to be honest, if she is a true friend then she will understand how you feel, I am hoping that she comes round to see you soon love Jaspercatxx

elnafinn

Dear Anne

As you have known her for such a long time I think that a phonecall or inviting her over may have been better. When we write things down it is not always understood by the other person in the same way, if you know what I mean.

I do hope the friendship is not over but if she cannot still be friends because you are not so well now, then you are best off without her her, sad though it is.

As you have written the email now, when she replies, why not invite her over, as she lives so close and see how it goes when you see each other.

Luv
Elna x

salamander

Hi Anne, sorry to hear about your difficulty with your friend. Unfortunately, I lost one of my closest friends when I was ill in the summer and before I had a diagnosis. She thought I was making a fuss about nothing and didn't even come and see me when I ended up in hospital for ten days.

I thought long and hard and decided I needed to look after myself and that unsupportive friends had no room in my life. I don't regret the decision but, obviously, you might feel differently and want a different outcome.

On the plus side, I have become much closer to other friends, having realised this particular friend occupied quite a lot of my time which stopped me seeing other people. I've had a lot of support from them through this whole process and including the death of my mother in September. Never once have I felt it was too much for them or that they minded at all.

Don't know if this is helpful at all but I hope it works out the way you want.
Sally

valval

hi if it a true friend she will be there for u and having told her will give her the chance to show how much she cares. if she does not come through for u then at least u will know and you will have given her every chance to under stand how your life has had to change.

annebr

Thanks everyone.

Sally, your story echoes mine at the moment. I have been there for her over the years, birth of children, when she has been ill even used to go on holiday with her, husband and the two boys.

Last year despite everything that was going on in my life, I made sure all birthday gifts etc were delivered on time, popping over to the house and seeing her Mum. SHe didn't even phone to thank me. The only time she calls is if has has news, her dad ill, work problems etc which I try to support. But I need a little TLC myself. As like you Sally she didn't even visit me when I was in hospital the first time she 'forgot' I was going in and it was only when I called her weeks later she remembered and the second time she 'forgot' again. I was housebound for 8 weeks and not a visit.

I met her at the end of September for lunch and thought that maybe things were normal but she keeps telling me how I will get better, which we all know won't happen.

My OH thinks I have given her enough chances but I think this is the last effort, he is annoyed as he sees how upset I get about it all.

At least I will know I have tried. I agreee that through this horrible year I have found other people who have been so good to me, and this i something positive that has come out of this hellish illness.

Anne

lindalegs

(I've just read your reply to Sally and now think that my post below isn't really appropriate any longer, but I'll leave it as I wrote it)


Hi Anne,

This is so similar to a dilemma I had with my oldest friend this year and it was all over sending emails and texts and getting wires crossed - then she sat in her house thinking one thing and I sat in mine imagining another. :roll: We should really have had our heads banged together.

Things sorted themselves out when we went to her wedding in the late summer and we've been out since and cleared the air, talked instead of imagining and thinking. We're getting on as well now as we ever did, if not better.

Why don't you wait for a couple of days to see if she replies to your email and if not give her a ring and talk.

I've found that some friendships are worth pursuing, maybe this one is for you.

Luv Legs

salamander

Hi Anne,

I too met up with my friend in September after my mum had died (I had contacted her as she knew my mother very well.) She made a very crass remark that reflected on my ability to help my mother and that, along with her complete lack of interest/disbelief in what I was dealing with in terms of this illness, finished it for me. I sort of knew the friendship was over but was giving her the benefit of the doubt. It's not a bad thing to try and fix an old friendship but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out.

It's so important to have people around who will support you through this. At least it is to me. I live on my own so it is cruical but am sure the same is true for everyone.

Maybe she will see things from your point of view and it may be that she needs some time to adjust to your illness. But, as you say, there are lots of other good people out there.
Sally x

ritwren

In most relationships there is someone who takes more than gives I think. I hope that things work out between you and your friend but if they don't then it's best to try to put it behind you. I've had to do that with so called friends and am still up in the air with one very good friend who I feel has let me down too.
It was'nt easy for you to write that email, but you've put yourself out there and as I see it, the next step has to come from your friend.
Good luck
rita

tkachev

This is a difficult one Anne.My best friend hardly makes contact anymore.She came round for a visit and lunch just before Christmas but I felt like I had not been a good host.She has split up with her boyfriend,he wants to get back together so she was plugging me for advice.But all the while my sick daughter was calling for my attention,my autistic son needs to be supervised and of course I am not brill at getting up and making the tea,etc....
She never contacted me when I had my hip replaced,which upset me, although afterwards she told others that she is really happy to see me in less pain and walking about so much better.But I had to let her know how I was.I had to do all the running.
She hasnt contacted me since coming round to my house.I wonder if I have upset her.I tell her I dont phone her cos she is working but she is free to call me anytime if she needs to talk.
We used to be so close, going everywhere together and she is a lovely person, and has many friends.
I think it is not worth the hassle sometimes.If they cant be bothered should we be?
How much did you tell your friend about how you feel? did you play safe?I think that is best as dont want to give them anymore ammunition against you.But sometimes they dont realise how they are treating you, do they?
Best wishes
Elizabeth

elnafinn

Hi Anne

As you say, you will have tried your best so if it does not work out then so be it. That friendship was good while it lasted.

Priorities change as we all go through life for whatever reasons and some long and short friendships do fade into the background.

Don't beat yourself up about it - life is too short. As long as you have one or two really good friends that you know are there for you as and when, that is all you need. I am sure you have friends/family that you would help as much as possible too.

Luv
Elna x

annebr

I haven't had a response from her yet so I don't know what she is thinking. I imagine she will get upset and then turn it around to be my fault.

Thanks again for your advice and I will keep you up to date.

Anne

elnafinn

Well, Anne if she puts all the blame on you, then that is the time to really call it a day and leave it at that. As I said before, life is too short. I am sure you said nothing nasty in your message so you have nothing on your conscience. Look after yourself and the peeps you love. It is time to move on without her in your life.

Love
Elna x

annebr

I have now had a response. She has said that we should chat. But, that I don't appreciate that her eldest son is 17 and at a dificult age and anyway I have Allan now (my oh).

I have had a cry as I think that says it all.

Anne

elnafinn

Dear Anne

I am sorry to hear her reply. Perhaps it would be best to repond and say you are sorry and perhaps it is for the best to leave your friendship for the time being as you both have much to contend with.

With that kind of reply your relationship is kept open.

Love
Elna x

frogmorton

Oh Anne
I am so sorry.
If you are sure you are ready to let go then you have to let yourself greive now for the loss of such a special friendship
Take care
Love
Toni xx

skezier

Hi Anne,

A sToni said are you sure? I think I would have the chat first maybe? Cris x

angel1

I haven`t commented before now Anne, because I felt that you were handling this relationship, and it`s problems, very well yourself.

I have to say now though, reading your friends response, that I feel , she is telling you that she has nothing to give you. That now you have your husband, she can bow out. Is that what you felt too?

Also, her remark about her seventeen year old is patronising to say the least. He will soon be twenty or more, and wanting to fly the nest. She will be sorry then that she let old frienships drift away.

If you are emotionally strong enough, then meet her for one last chat, but try to see her for how she is now, and not the friend that you thought, and hoped she was.........Ange.

annebr

Ange,

Thank you I think you have summed up how I feel. I haen't responded to her at the moment as I am a bit too emotional.

Anne

annebr

I can't believe how weepy I have been today. I can't stop thinking about things and how obviously she has no capacity for me in her life anymore.

My OH is being lovely but I know deep down he is angry that I am so hurt.

Thanks for listening.

Anne xx

angel1

What you are feeling is very healthy Anne. It`s a form of bereavement, and all those tears can only help.

Talk it all through with your husband, as you are feeling the emotions, and encourage him to say what he feels too. Be so very happy that you have each other.......I send you all my love......Ange.

katekelly

Hi Anne,
I can really empathise with you as I had a friendship that was very 'one way'. It came to a head when my middle daughter was rushd to hospital with meningitis- not even a phone call!! This really saddened me and I emailed her and told her how hurt and disappointed I felt. Although this actually cleared the air between us the friendship has changed significantly. Sometimes I think that friendships come to a natural end. If you feel yours is coming to an end then perhaps its time to let it end and remember it with the fondness that a good friendship deserves.
Kate xx

salamander

hi Anne, sorry you are feeling so upset but I am not surprised from everything you have said. It's bad enough having this disease, never mind losing friends because of it. Hope you have a good sleep tonight and that you feel a bit better in the morning.
Sally x

tkachev

Hi Anne,
If she hasnt supported you like you did for her then it probably is time to move on.I have decided not to contact my friend to see how long it takes her to notice.She has a busy social life with lots of other friends so it may take some time.
I am sorry it has upset you so.As Elna said people change over time.Stick to those that care
Elizabeth

annebr

I can't believe how weepy and upset I was yesterday. I have had a nights sleep and decided not to pursue the issue anymore. Lately it has been me doing all the running and I don't have the energy. I don't see any point in going through arthritis & the other issues to her as she is obviously not interested and I don't want pity.

When I tried last year to tell her about it, she told me to 'get over it' and was more upset that her doctor's daughter had died, she had never the girl!

I have tried to save the friendship but I do think there is no going back. I have phoned, visited, never missed a birthday, sat up with her all night when she couldn't get comfortable during her 2nd pregnancy then I went straight to work. This year when I have needed her she hasn't phoned, not even a Christmas Card.


Sorry to ramble again, thanks for your support. I need to get over this and try and focus on the more positive aspects now.

Anne xx