depressed

tkachev

I am off to see the surgeon about ankle fusion today. I just cannot see how i can have an operation as I do everything in the house. Nothing will get done without me.

I feel so tearful as i dont get any help at all. One son is going through anger stage- throwing things about, one needs lots of supervision and daughter has health probs. Every time I walk into the bathroom....wee on floor and seat, dirty undies to bag up and tidy away. Oh is always able to manage trips out on his scooter, BBqs but cant feed anyone but himself! I have just been to family BBQ but no one offered to get me a drink or food. I had to sit away from everyone so that I could watch my son whowas hiding in the alleyway by the house. His nan followed him into the house so i thought she was watching him but 10 mins later she comes out, no i havent seen him so mad hobble indoors to check his where abouts.
I have 2 days alone looking after them...well i have booked 4 hours carer to help on one day but couldnt find anyone for next day. I think OH is pushing it.
Anyway have a party (withput children) on 24th so looking for a knight in shining armour to take me away from this hell....

Elizabeth

oneday

i really feel for you.
i think there is only one way to look at this...if you dont have operation because you feel house will go to pot etc then your ankle gets so bad youre totally incapacitated and cant do a thing again.
I think you should have op and have house,jobs left whilst recovering.
House, know its annoying but once hubbie has had to step over piles of undies in bathroom,pots left so theres no clean ones he might just lift a finger!
Are there any shortcuts you can do during recovery..e,g, paper plates so no washing up, more dinners just put in microwave..things in short term to make your life easier?
Your current respite cant they increase it for recovery time?
Can surgeoon direct you to some support group?
Have a cuppa, get a pen and paper write down every job, caring needs and decide whats vital then try to see some ways round.
good luck

elnafinn

Dear Elizabeth,

I really do feel for you and I am very sorry you are the one that does everything. That often happens. :roll: You do need the operation and you must think of yourself now and the advantages of getting it done and dusted. I always panic about the house etc when I have an op and it is only us two now. The home is always there when I get back and never as bad as I envisaged. Post op never is as horrenduous as I envisage it either, in all ways. I can well see how you are getting upset though. Your OH will have to put himself out/ and take time off work. Can you get some family/friends help as well? There must be help available for you out there but I do not know where you begin with that, but you probably know and others on here will, for sure.

We do have to think of ourselves sometimes, Elizabeth. The same problems will be there at a later day, won't they? So delaying does not really solve anything and you get less mobile. Perhaps try to stay longer in hospital too, if possible, (I know you will not wish to!) to have more time to get stronger before getting home.

The home situation will turn out ok, it will not be to your standards, for a time, but that can be put right at a later date. You health is most important so that you can continue your good work of being a lovely, attentive, totally caring and committed, mum.

Lots of love
Elna x

pols090607

Hi Elizabeth,

Just wanted to offer you some support, I really feel for you, it's so hard I think when we have so much to do, young kids etc.... (I have a 6 and 2 yr old and RA).

As already mentioned, get a big long list together with the order of the day and sit down with your husband and go through it. Get the kids clothes sorted for a good few days whilst you're off your feet. Fish fingers and chips won't harm them and other ready stuff for a week or so and let them all get on with it. If you were rushed into hospital with something then they would have to cope.

Don't not have your op through worrying about everyone else, honestly - try and think of yourself xxxxxx

speedalong

Oh Elizabeth,

I think you are going to have to agree to this operation sooner rather than later. You are partly struggling so much to do all you do because you are in so much pain all the time. This makes it so much harder to cope with all the caring and looking after that you have to do. You are also carrying this niggling worry that you know at some point you will have to have this op, yet your Mummy-head cannot see how or when this is possible.

I remember you saying that you have to keep your weight off the operated foot for awhile too.

You have coped with operations before and you older daughters (I haven't made that up, have I?) have helped out before. The pain after the op will quickly be nothing compared to what you are coping with now and your children and OH will have a visual reminder of the fact that Mum needs help - a scar - which you should flash at them as a reminder (I often showed mine to S!) and a plaster cast(?)

The house will be more of a mess than if you were keeping on top of it and everyone will be forced to chip in and help a bit more - and it wont hurt them all to realise how much Mum does!! And you having the op is not at all selfish - you NEED that op, and you will be no use to anyone if you are totally crippled and in pain, anyway.

The logistics are enormous - but they are workable and there is nothing like a deadline to get them all in place - don't I know?! When I considering when I should have my op - my friend said to me, There is no good time... you just have to go for it. And now that I have, I wish I had off done sooner - because by the end I was in so much pain and struggling so much to things .... and once you have had the op things are going to improve instead of get worse ...

Ultimately only you can make the decision - but before you do - think what advice you would give to someone else in your shoes if they posted about this on the forum?!

Love,
Speedy

skezier

Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry your feeling 'trapped' in the house clearing up/feeding department. Could you just o on strike? I know its not that easy but I am thinking of you.

As to the op it does sound like you need it and well how did you manage with the hips cus that's maybe what you could arrange again? Can your elder daughter help you and I think the microwave meals is a good idea.

Its got to be possible and though. Sending you a ((((( ))))) and an assurance we all have days when we feel like this. Cris xx

angel1

If you decide to ahead with this op Elizabeth, you are going to need help. You know that, and it is obviously a huge worry to you. You also know that, with help, it need not be quite so bad.

I have the feeling that all of this goes very much deeper though, and the possibility of you being incapacitated has just brought other fears and frustrations to the fore.

You sound very angry with your OH. From what you say, you are getting no compassion or support whatsoever from him or his family. I can see how bad this would make you feel. After all, they are his children - and their grandchildren - too, and they ought to want to make their little lives as stress free as possible.

You may not remember, but you once said, that you can stand up for yourself, if you absolutely have to. Well, I feel that time has come Elizabeth. You need to have a family conference, and state your needs, stressing how very much better it will be for everyone - but especially you - once this procedure has taken place.

Don`t lose your identity, be strong. I hope you reach the right decision.......Much love......Ange.

frogmorton

Oh Elizabeth

I have read your thread and feel so very sad and a bit angry that you feel you can't have this necessary op.

Somehow a plan has to be botched together.

You need to have it - as others have said - sooner rather than later.

School term-time for definite so there is daily 'respite'.

Take OH with you to see surgeon and make sure he is aware just how laid up you will be.

I can see what you mean about the lack of support you alreday get at home with the kids and all the jops round the house.

This is sooo the kind of situation when you should be able to have some external help - maybe from social services?? dare I suggest it?

If I think of anything I will let you know.

Love and hugs

Toni xx

tkachev

Just returned from very short appointment with a different surgeon. He suggested due to my age I could wait a little while as once I have a fusion i will put strain on other (foot) joints so a delay would not be a problem. i forgot to mention, as you do, that other surgeon wanted my left foot operated on to give time to heel before the left hip was replaced. So now will my hip operation be delayed even further? and is this wise? Other surgeon seemed to think this could be a problem (I would put you on list for THR but I need to get your foot sorted first because it will hinder your hip recovery). That all got forgotten at the appointment.The recovery would be 3 months of non weight bearing and this would be a massive problem. Not just housework but supervision, cleaning up of childrens mess etc

I could possibly get extra respite but they are good at promising things and not delivering.
Yes I have 2 older daughters but they live away from home and both have jobs. But they came last time and helped a lot. Daughter no.2 is trained to work with autistic children.

Ihave been out to lunch with 3 friends during which time I was told my OH is going to the IOW in August!!!!Is he?
Everyone agrees i need to be strong so I will suggest if he wants to go he gets children babysat by his parents. i love my children and dont
want to pass them off but i find all day a real struggle.

Thankyou everyone but so many good points on this thread and I cant remember who said what! It has been a traumatic period lately and a lot of upset has come to the fore. Love to you all


Elizabeth

tkachev

One more thing.....I could cope with a THR as have been through this before. I dont want to suggest it is easy as many of you know anyway but I could sort of hobble about here and there to make sure children clean and ready for school/clubs. It is 3 months of relying on others that scares me and no doubt the OH will want to go out for the night during this time. He asked to go out the day after I returned from my last hip op! I ask you.........

Elizabeth

frogmorton

Hi Elizabeth

Some repreive then?

Ok but you still do seem to have alot on your plate dont you?

Ig Oh is going off on his own for a bit he should get some help - even if it's only a bit - you cant be expected to do it all.

Your daughters sound lovely girls (a testament to you) and it is good to hear that they would be there if needed, but three months is a very long time.

How long did they say you could wait? I suppose every day that goes by the kids DO get older and in time more able, but yor health is very important too. You take care

Love and hugs

Toni xx

tkachev

Hi Toni,

He said it would be okay for at least another year possibly 2. But of course i forgot about the hip because that wont last more than a year. So the order of things has now been turned round and i dont think this is what the first surgeon wanted,

Elizabeth

frogmorton

Hi elizabeth

That does make it tricky - they need to talk to each other so you know what is best. Sounds like a year though doesn't it?

My ex would do that to me -go out at the totally stupidest times - mind you he very often didnt come back till a day or so later often brought back by someone else - once in the boot of their car (drunk :roll: ).

I do understand what youmean about carrying on post-op - I was on my own with the girls aged 5 and 8 when I had my back op and I did manage - so you know you wouild. But it's getting the best result from the procedure isn't it really.

Thanks God you have your girls.

Love

Toni xx

barbara12

Hi Elizebeth
I have just seen your thread, I really do feel for you, and want to send you my support.
There isn't much I can add to what everyone has said, but please dont put yourself last, there is help out there, and you must get has much has you can.
I really hope your OH sees sense, and him and his family all come together to help out then you can get your op.
Sending loads of hugs (((((((()))))) wish I could give them for real, we are always here for you.
Take care of yourself
Love
Barbara xx

tkachev

I dont think he or they will help sadly and it is easier to battle on but sometimes I just cant do that.
My brothers and sister would all help but they live away and I cannot leave the children.


Elizabeth

frogmorton

tkachev wrote:

I dont think he or they will help sadly and it is easier to battle on but sometimes I just cant do that.
My brothers and sister would all help but they live away and I cannot leave the children.


Elizabeth

Elizabeth

You are a very very good mum

Love

Toni xx

page35

Hi Elizabeth
sorry you got all this going on, your OH does need to help you more. does he know how you feel? does he know how much you do? maybe cos you do everything he thinks it is all done by the fairies :roll: when my hands were very bad and i couldnt manage the washing up my OH brought a dishwasher cos he hates washing up and couldnt understand where it all came from, "there isnt normally this much" he would say, cos i just done it he didnt even think about it, like most of the housework.
if im having a bad day i tell him the fairies are having a day out. sometimes i say it in stronger language than that :oops:
Take care and if i can help you i will
xx

jordan7j

No wonder you're depressed!!! you need help from your OH not ideas of going away to IOW. It's an excellent idea to tell him to get his parents to have the children, then maybe he'll realise how hard it really is to cope with all you do!!

We are going on 14th August for a week, so maybe we could have a good talk to him over there!!

You will need help, whether you put it off for a year etc, or not, also the hip op too, I know you can get respite care for your autistic son, but you still have other children to care for, as you said your daughter has health problems too. I know how hard it is to care for autistic children as I worked with them for a while in special needs school.

You have had lots of sensible adice here, so dont really need me poking my nose in!! thinking of you Elizabeth x x x Jay x

lindalegs

Oh Elizabeth, no wonder you're feeling depressed I think your OH needs a wake up call or a good slap ....can't make up my mind which yet :?

It really sounds as though he hasn't grown up as he appears to do nothing to support you around the house or with the children. You've probably been doing too much of a good job coping on your own and he might feel you don't want his help.

You really need to do some serious talking to him because he has to be the one who provides most of your support when you have your op .....because although you've had a reprieve for now, this is going to raise it's head in the future and if it's not resolved now then you'll feel really low when you're faced with the same problem.

Hope you get things sorted out because you really don't need to feel like this.

Love Legs XX

PS You could always apply for Wifeswap and then he'd realise how lucky he is to have you

marion1952

Hi Elizabeth

I can't really add anything to the good advice the other peeps have given you..

You have a huge amount on your plate , you cope with it wonderfully well and your children (older and younger ones) are very lucky to have such terrific mum. Honestly, I read all your posts and I know I couldn't cope the way you do.

You've had a bit of a reprieve, but it's only delaying the inevitable.. but it has bought you a bit of time to plan and work out exactly what help you will need, how long for, and where it will (MUST) come from..

All the best


Marion x

elnafinn

lindalegs wrote:

You've probably been doing too much of a good job coping on your own and he might feel you don't want his help.Love Legs XX

Dear Elizabeth

That certainly crossed my mind too. He may think that you not only do not want his help but do not need it as everything gets done.

Did your OH go from "being looked after" to you who then carried on doing the same and then again when the children came along?
My OH left his mum and I took over!! I wanted and was happy to do everything, but it can cause problems when help is then needed for whatever reason. I love my OH to bits but I cannot entirely blame him as that is how I wanted it to be! He is good in other ways, ie DIY but he doesn't know where things are in the kitchen or anywhere in the house in fact. My fault again, I tidy up all the time.

As you are going to need his help in the future and that of his family I think you will have to start talking/discussing and I can well understand how difficult that is going to be. You also need a break now every so often but I think it will have to be spelt out to him as he is so very used to how it has been for so long.

I hope you can resolve some things soon,

Love
Elna x

dorcas

Hi Elizabeth,

this a rotten situation for you to be in....you need your ops but can't 'let go' of the family worries in order to focus on your own needs.

I wondered if your family are so used to you 'being in total control'...doing and organising everything that they haven't woken up to the extent of your disability and pain...?
you are not unbreakable Elizabeth and someone has to help if you are to have the ops you need that could relieve your pain and give you back mobility....and quality of life. your family will also benefit too !

whether you have the op now or next year the issues are going to be the same.... and from what you've said it seems that one surgeon (the one that knows you best) feels that you need the ankle op really soon? exactly what will be achieved by putting it off?

your oh seems to have his head firmly stuck in the sand..... if he refuses to acknowledge what you are going through then perhaps a word with his parents might help? I don't know what your relationship is like with them but it could be useful to have their support and understanding..and if they can exert influence on their son then so much the better!
Your doc could also be useful in speaking to your family (daughters too) and in getting extra help for your younger kids if a plan involving daughters, OH and grandparents cannot be 'hatched'.

Elizabeth, being unable to fully weight bear may not mean that you are completely immobile for the whole three months....find out more about the impact of the op, timescale and the 'degrees' of immobility.

another powerful thing to do, if you are comfortable with the idea, is to write a letter to your husband explaining the worries you have about the family; how his lack of support with the children is influencing your decision to delay having the op; what he can do to change the everyday working balance within the family and so make it possible for you to have the op.
he cannot ignore what is written or pretend that he doesn't know how you feel.

if you have good friends then they could help get the house organised before you go in for the op...and a list of tasks for everyone to do can be useful.

I do hope Elizabeth that you can get something sorted out..it is not impossible...honestly...but requires commitment nd support from the people who love you.

iris x

annie_mial

Oh, Elizabeth, I really can't add anything that anyone else hasn't said...but I do feel worried for you.

I agree that your OH needs either a kick or a slap, but the only person to deliver it is yourself, one way or the other. Similarly, I cannot see that putting it off now will make any difference one way or the other unless you do manage to get some co-operation from him/the family.

I am so sorry that you are in such a bad situation, I can see that it must be so depressing and lowering. I hope someone's words here can give you the incentive to go forwards.

Love
Annie
xx

psyart

Hi and sending loads hugs to you to help (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))). not more i can say that the others have said but am thinking of you.

sometimes wonder why families think we can survive with out help when we are in so much pain!! i bet if they were poorly, you would be expected to look after them??

take care

louise xx

elnafinn

dorcas wrote:

if you are comfortable with the idea, is to write a letter to your husband explaining the worries you have about the family; how his lack of support with the children is influencing your decision to delay having the op; what he can do to change the everyday working balance within the family and so make it possible for you to have the op.
he cannot ignore what is written or pretend that he doesn't know how you feel.Iris x

I would be rather wary of this depending on the mood you are in when writing the letter. Once it is in black and white and been read by the other person, there is no retraction from the content of the letter. I had regrets writing a letter years ago to a close family member although what I wrote was how I felt and that has never changed but it did backfire rather more than I ever thought it would. I would never do it again.

Luv
Elna x

patriciamary

Hi Elizabeth. This is just not good enough behaviour from your family. Go on strike. The older ones should be helping out as standard and a lot more since you have been unwell. You spent years looking after them so its payback time. As for hubby, no help then no food on table, no washing done, no ironing done and when Im really annoyed the bed in the spare room gets made up. This usually spurs him into action. I cannot complain about 17 year old daughter really, she helps out a lot, in fact sometimes I get annoyed because she trys to not let me do anything. As for hubby, typical male, helps for a while then slowly slips back into being lazy and to be honest if I ask him to do something he will. I just feel under the circumstances I should not have to ask. So get your angry hat on and sit them down and tell them, dont ask, tell them how things are going to be from now on. When you are able I am sure that you do everything you can, unfortunately like the rest of us there are times when just getting out of bed tires us out for the rest of the day.
Regards
Trisha