Pain? .... yeah right ..

fayrose
fayrose Member Posts: 241
edited 4. Aug 2010, 17:24 in Living with Arthritis archive
Any of you had to put up with family (mostly) reacting to your pain as a pain to them :?

If we had crocked broken bones or some other visible sign, maybe they would accept but I'm sick to death with being treated like a fraud by my own family.
Latest is OH happily announcing that I will prepare a roast lunchtime meal for 8 without a second thought and his reaction to my response is unprintable. Suffice it to say, he thinks its all b******s.

I wish this bloody awful illness came with a big sign.

Best wishes to you all from 'Seriously p****ed off in Devon'. :roll:
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Comments

  • minky67
    minky67 Member Posts: 2,328
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Fay, Im so sorry to read this. I havent got the answer for this, its such a hard thing to deal with without the OH or family making you feel that way.Pain is real but they cant see it, thats were the problem is. :x
    I had to give up doing the roasts for the inlaws months back. I was dropping things & basically in tears trying to dish up.I had struggled with the preparing & cleaning the house before they got here.
    My standards have had to slip & it got to the stage were it was my OH that said doing the dinners was getting to much for me & he stopped it.Trouble with me is i hate to ask for help then i end up hurting meself or breaking something.
    OH is pretty supportive & has come to every Ryhmy & pain clinic appointmnet with me so he has heard it all straight from them. Can you get your OH involved in your treatment? I dont know perhaps he has been with you to the appointmnets but I do think that helps.
    Oh Dear i have wafled on. Sending you some (((hugs)) & i hope things can improve. Im sure someone has better advice then me as im pretty rubbish but i try :wink:
    debs
  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Fay,

    I am sorry your having one of those times! People only see/understand what they wish to I think,....... I don't know any people who do understand excluding those that have a long term condition them selves I am afraid.

    8 is a lot of people and I hope you got a bit of time to think about it... or make hi help you! Sometimes that's the only way to get the point home.

    Hope tomorrow you will have a better day. Luv and a ((( ))) Cris x
  • lavenderlady
    lavenderlady Member Posts: 409
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    hubby is so used to my bad health problems now, but i do get the feeling he gets fed up on occasion so I do tend to hide things but then get told off for not telling him, my parents live across the road from me and are always checking up on me mum comes to my appointments with me so she hears most of whats going on, I too have had to let my standards drop and get upset when hubbys says why is this not clean? talking about such triival things as the skirting boards I would love to have sparkling white woodwork but cannot manage them anymore, so tough, if he notices he can clean them I'm afraid things like that have to be accepted as a side effect of Arthritis we simply cannot do what we used to be able to with no worrys in our younger days ( I'm an ancient 49)
  • marion1952
    marion1952 Member Posts: 963
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello Fay

    Unfortunately I think Cris is right - people do not truly understand unless they suffer themselves.. It's very hurtful when some of those people are your close family.

    If this dinner is going ahead then the least he can do is help you buy the food and get it ready. That's not an unreasonable expectation on your part.. Can you buy the joints, vegetables, roast potatoes, etc, ready prepared? We have M & S and Waitrose close by and I'm not ashamed to say that I get my stuff from there. all ready prepaed to put straight in the oven...

    I do hope you can work this out..

    Marion x
  • psyart
    psyart Member Posts: 600
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi - i can only give you (((hugs))) as not really sure what else to say! I agree with what Cris has said - and also about buying it ready made?? Or you could say NO!!! unless someone helps me???

    my house is not cleaned very often - my family are very good but somethimes i think they forget as they make such a mess :!: but then they dont know how hard i am finding it at the moment as i dont let on :| so it goes around in circles.

    hope you can sort something out.

    Louise xxx
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 28,211
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Fay

    You make him help.

    Give him the things you can't do - lifting heavy stuff out of the oven.

    Cutting meat - whatever it is.

    And anything you can do - make sure he sees you do it.

    Alternativley - I know you can buy - mash you just heat up and roasties the same.and Yoprkshires and joints of meat prestuffed ....

    There are ways of making it easier, but I think getting him to understand is the best. More sensible in the long run.

    If you have been playing down your pain too - think about NOT doing that. Let him see you struggle when you do and take your meds etc etc. ASK for help when you are struggling.

    Men!!

    Ooops! Not all men I amd sorry :oops:

    Love

    Toni xx
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    his family he cooks that fair or at least lifts ,carrys and peels . mine did not always give me the thought i felt should have but since he has started with it in his knee he totally different he understands now lol
  • sharmaine
    sharmaine Member Posts: 1,638
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi

    I'm sending you my utmost sympathy that you've had to deal with this. I would refuse to cook the meal and take to my bed!

    Some of us are lucky to have supportive spouses. They can't 'see' our problem so they think it doesn't exist. If you had cancer then they would take it as read. It's a mystery why some people don't take arthritis on board as being utterly disabling and painful.

    I understand and can only suggest that you take your OH with you when you see your consultant or GP.

    Take care.
    Sharmaine
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,279
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Fayrose
    I am sorry you are struggling and in pain, sometimes you have to put yourself in there shoes, and think would I understand someone else's pain.
    My OH is still trying to understand, but admits he totally forgets that there are things I cant do, so every now and them I remind him, :roll: :) has for family coming round,I had this a few weeks ago, I was waiting on them hand and foot, then I suddenly flipped (not like me at all ) :oops: anyway It did clear the air, and his family and mine, now have us round there more often, and when they come to ours, they offer help...so it did some good :)
    Hope things improve for you, but please talk to your OH and keep talking.
    Love and hugs (((((()))))
    Barbara xx
  • fayrose
    fayrose Member Posts: 241
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks everyone for replying and being so supportive.

    I've said no, I won't do it so its now almost non-speaks in this house. :roll:

    Oh how I wish it was just me and my dear old lab. :D

    Thanks again and I wish you all as pain free a day as poss.

    Fay xx
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 28,211
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I hope your Lab is 'on your side' Fay :(

    I wish you a pain free day too my love.

    LOve and hugs

    Toni xx :(
  • suncatcher
    suncatcher Member Posts: 2,174
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Sorry to hear this fayrose. If they havent got it they just dont understand. I know its even harder to take if its your own family. I keep reading we should be up front and tell people. I find this incures more hostility sarcy comments. or people to want lengthy explanations and still not understand . It leaves you drained and hurt and very exposed.
    I feel the hurt for you many of us have this not understanding lark. I havent been asked to do a meal though. I think i would just tell em or say ill do it if you all pitch in as well.i cannot do it all myself any volunteers? Any way sorry i havent been more help just sending you my sympathy and i hope you can get this issue resolved. from joanne
  • fayrose
    fayrose Member Posts: 241
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    frogmorton wrote:
    I hope your Lab is 'on your side' Fay :(
    :D He sure is thanks Toni, bless him.

    and thanks too Joanne :D

    Fay xx
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Arrange a small accident for him. You can hire people to do this for you but they tend to be expensive, so get creative with fishing line and a doorway (the stairs are too extreme, you don't want to kill him - well, at the moment you might but I am sure that will pass). Hopefully, when he tumbles whilst carrying two mugs of hot tea, he will break a wrist or something and experience some pain, which would last for a while. Even better would be breaking the wrist on his dominant side so he might have to shave with the wrong hand and won't be able to have a shower for weeks etc etc etc.

    Seriously, we all face a problem in that pain isn't visible. No-one can tell how much joints hurt or how high fatigue levels are. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies in that we struggle on and so people think we can always manage things, when, truth be told, we can't. I suppose I was fortunate, in a weird sort of way, that when my inflammatory arthritis began in one knee no-one took it seriously and I ended up with one knee that was 27 inches in circumference - everyone could see I had a problem then, including The Husband. I ended up having a synovectomy that took five hours in theatre, and six months recovery, before it started swelling again leading to another synovectomy 18 months later. He learned early on to do more, and he has continued to do more and more as things deteriorate. I relaise I m lucky: perhaps you do need to sit your down and explain how things are - does he go to your appointments with you? Mine does, so he hears it from the consultant, he sees my knees being drained by the nurses - which fascinates him, terrifies me!, he has held me while I have cried tears of rage and frustration and anger. He is involved with it all, because we promised 'in sickness and in health' - it could equally well have been his sickness.

    This disease isn't easy, either for us or those around us. Go buy some fishing wire. DD
  • silverbreak
    silverbreak Member Posts: 46
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    fayrose wrote:
    Any of you had to put up with family (mostly) reacting to your pain as a pain to them :?

    Seems to be hubby bashing thread? I get my share of disapproving looks/comments (perhaps I'm just paranoid) from family and friends as I am a man 6'3" and my wife tends to carry heavier items shopping etc and to be fair will actually say to observers that I've got 'a bad back' - but you can see the dis belief in their faces.
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Ummm, I wasn't bashing my husband - he has been nothing but supportive, helpful and encouraging. I feel for you - there are so many expectations based on appearance, aren't there? To be a strapping 6'3" people naturally expect you to be carrying the heavy stuff. Are you using a walking stick or crutches - that would give a clue as to why you are not! The snap judgement of strangers is rarely pleasant - but it is a foible that affects all, I do it to when I watch people leap from their cars and stride to the supermarket, having parked in a BB space with a BB proudly displayed! I automatically think they are cheating - if teh family member who needs the badge isn't there then they shouldn't use that space! DD
  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Fay,

    I hope your ok and things are getting back to normal there.Well done for saying NO!

    Hey you still got your youngster as well as the old boy? Luv to them both and you and a hope you are still able to paint? Cris who is after another springer reject :wink: x
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello fayrose, I hope things are not too frosty today. Thinkinig of you and wish you well. DD
  • ellsbells
    ellsbells Member Posts: 31
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :? Fay dont do what dreamdaisy says,just think it.Yesterday I was thinking of murdering my Husband, but I wouldnt get his money if I did. They just dont think. They say you should asked me to do that,after you have struggled to do it for 2hrs.And you had asked him to do it for days.the children expect you to go running after them with aphone call. but when you ask them to do something they are to busy. :roll:
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I wasn't serious. I was hoping to make her laugh. Good grief.

    Straight men don't think lke women, which I think is very refreshing. They do not register emotion via facial expression, so they genuinely don't know if we are happy or sad or exasperated or annoyed. They have to be told, verbally, how we are feeling, not by the usual female reponse of sulking, or slamming things down or, when they do enquire 'Are you alright?' to be met with the sarcastic response 'Oh yes. Everything's FINE.' Women are far more intuitive emotionally than men - if you want an intuitive, emotional response to how you are feeling go and talk to a gay man - every woman should have one gay male friend, they are brilliant at the whole tea and symapthy thing that us girls do so well - they usually understand the role of cake too.

    I tell my husband what's going on - not to the point of being an arthritis bore, that's too dull for everyone, including me, but I tell him when things are rough. There is no poiint in being a martyr and carrying on with everything. No-one appreciates it, no-one takes any notice. When you can't cope with things say so, and tell others to pull their weight. If you don't, they just expect you to carry on come-what-may. DD
  • fayrose
    fayrose Member Posts: 241
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :D
    Oh dear. No its not meant to be a husband-bashing thread. You all know what its like with this wretched disease, sometimes you just can't help lashing out. :roll:

    DD - you made me laugh, thanks :lol:

    Thanks again everyone. Feeling OK now - apart from the fact that its dark and raining here in my part of the world this morning.

    Delay in replying is due to having had to install a new computer with the new Windows version and needless to say, loads of things don't work the same any more and without the help of our dear Webmanager, I may never have got back here at all. :shock:

    Oh and yes, still got the cocker spaniel as well as my dear old lab. :D

    Fay x
  • julie47
    julie47 Member Posts: 6,041
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi fay
    I have just been reading all your responses and DD's comment made me laugh too.
    I am glad you are feeling better today and the only cloud over you is the one outside that is over the country,
    My husband is very supportive of me and knows what I am going through . I have RA and a below knee amputation. My daughter is also a god send BUT my parents and other members of my family i don't think they fully understand. They think I am happy all the time and don't realise the help I need.
    Anyway hope you have a good day
    love Julie xx :)
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    HI fayrose, I am so glad I made you laugh (I bet the fishing line is coiled away, ready and waiting - your little secret is safe with me!) Congrats on the new computer - new systems do take a bit of getting used to, don't they? I leapt from Windows 3.5 (perfectly adequate but no interweb) to whatever-I-have-in-this-Inspiron. I reckon I only use about 1/300th of what it can do, I must get me on a course!

    Anyhoo, I hope things are better at home now, not quite so frosty. It's a steep learning curve for all involved when arthritis strikes - and lashing out now and again is no bad thing. Take care. DD (who has other diabolical plans if anyone needs help on that front).
  • loopylou
    loopylou Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    so sorry to hear the troubles your having, I'm lucky that I have a very supportive boyfriend. He held me whilst I was in tears on holiday last year when my ring finger became swollen and very painful this was all before I knew what was wrong. He came with me to my appointment with the rheummy when I was diagnosed.
    I've said to him many times he has a lot to put up with with me but he tells me not to be silly. Suppose he's been set up for looking after someone with an illness as his mum has MS. He tells me he will always look after me :D

    does your other half go to appointments with you? as others have said maybe he should to see what your told and then maybe he will start to understand.

    hope you get things sorted soon

    lou
    -x-
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 28,211
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Fay

    This thread has had me in stitches too :lol::lol::lol:

    No wonder they call DD diabolical damsel eh??

    Hoping all is ok with you atm

    Love and hugs Toni x

    whose husband is lovely, but could be called an ostrich at times :roll: