Down Day

woodbon

I've been waiting to hear about a tribunal since March, I had my original medical on 4th Jan.

Waiting so long has made me feel so awful and I won't be able to go, I know. I suffer from agrophobia at times of stress and have done throughout my life. This is on top of all the physical problems I have, which have increased since my medical. Now I find it hard to leave the house and its getting so I make excuses not to go out at all.

I feel at the end of the road, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm not supid and I won't do that but, its there in my mind that I'm not worth anything. Its not just the money, we could manage with that, but the worrying about it. I know I won't be able to go and give evidence. I have a lot of support from my husband.

My arthritis is painful, I can cope with it, just but, I feel that if I were left alone, and not disbelieved and questioned by people, I would have the energy, both mental and physical, to get on and find myself some kind of work, but at the moment the thought of interviews and explaining, then trying to work again is too much, on top of all the official questioning I may face. I've already tried going back to work for 3 days a week, but it soon became too much physically and I now have a pension and occupational health at the council where I worked say I'm unfit for any work they could offer.

I'm sorry, its just a bad day, I don't really know why, nothings changed, sorry to rant on. Just wanted to get it 'off my chest'! I feel its all my fault I'm unwell. Forgive the rant! :roll:
Love Sue

carola

Sue!

Stop feeling it is your fault! It is awful that you are made to feel like this. The stress of the appeal can only worsen your symptoms. When we feel more positive then our pain etc feels better.

Although I always say that a positive mindset is a must, sometimes I think we all need to have a little wallow in our why me mudbath so have a wee bit self indulgence in there and then clamber out with all the negativity washed off and be full of fight!

You did the right thing posting on here when you feel like this.

It'll all work out Sue, just give it time, meantime, keep posting and listen to your body. Rest when it tells you and breakdance when you can
Hope you get some relief today and sending you a sackful of positive thoughts and the biggest gentlest hugs.
Carol xx

dreamdaisy

Oh woodbon, I am so sorry. Waiting for anything is stressful, especially when one feels so helpless and unable to expedite things. Then one gets caught in a vicious circle - why is there never a lovely circle? - and it all gets too much.

There is nothing wrong with a bracing bout of self-pity, as long as it is a bout and doesn't become a habit. You seem to be aware of what adds to your tension - is there anything that you can do to lessen those things? I find taking my mind off what troubles me - usually by coming on here! - works wonders, as does watching favourite films and re-reading favourite books. I like doing puzzle books too - as I cannot exercise myself I exercise the grey matter instead. Thanks to the on-going flare I have a porridge mind at the mo, I can't think of anything really positive or helpful. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I'm thinking of you. DD

tillytop

Hi Sue. I am so sorry you are feeling so down and unwell. Please, please don’t ever feel that your illness is in any way your fault – I know from experience that that just makes you feel even worse. I had some very good advice once from someone who said that, when she had been very depressed, living what she called “one minute at a time” really helped her. And, if she had a good minute, or even just a better minute, she felt as if things were not so bleak. I think what she was saying was that, by just accepting that, for the moment, you feel as you do, without trying to analyse the whys, what if’s etc, you give yourself a bit of a mental break and perhaps improve your ability to cope. I am glad you have such support from your husband Sue. My husband is very supportive too and I ask him, when I am struggling, to remind me that things haven’t always been this way and that they will get better. I hope this doesn’t sound trite Sue – just trying to think of something to help.
On a practical note, is there anyone you or your husband could speak to try to get an idea of when the tribunal date will be? I don’t know how these things work but just wondered because at least you would then be able to do your best to prepare yourself for it mentally, rather than feeling you are constantly on tenterhooks waiting for notification.
Please do keep posting Sue – we’re here to listen and to support you as much as we can.
Thinking of you.
Love Tilly x

dorcas

Hi Sue,

Please don't feel that you should ever need to apologise for sharing with the folks on here how you feel. :roll:
that's what this great forum is for and we all benefit from our shared experiences...including the 'downs as well as the 'ups.

I know I would find it so hard now to deal with arther without the support of people here....and that includes you

This tribunal is causing you such additional stress....I did wonder if you could be 'represented' at the tribunal by someone else who could go and speak on your behalf? and maybe you could write a letter for them to take outlining the impact that arther etc has on every aspect of your daily life?
If your doctor confirms that attending this tribunal would be detrimental to you health then that also might help?

it might be worth your husband contacting the dwp and speaking to them about this....they do have a customer helpline

Not being believed by others is something that hits us at our core....but Sue the dwp are bureaucrats who do not 'know'you and have very little insight into the effects of arther and the pain you have to live with. it is all to common that peeps are finding themselves in the same situation as you of having to appeal wrongful decisions... and they ARE wrongful.
you are not alone in experiencing this god awful process.

sending you lots of gentle ((((hugs)))) love and strength

Iris xx

barbara12

Hello Sue
First of all please dont apologise for the rant, I keep saying the same to others, It is good therapy to get it off your chest, just writing it down (well typing) helps. Believe me I have gone through all this with my DIL, we had to get her help for the depression that brought on agoraphobia, she is now doing brilliant, the gp gave her antidepressants just to get her through a really bad time, and my god did they help.
I do hope you can ask your gp for help, even if its only temporary.
Its good that you have the support of your OH, like Iris says ask can someone go the interview on your behalf , no harm in asking.
I really hope things improve very soon.
And please tell us how you get on, thats what we are here for.
Lots of very gentle hugs ((((((()))))) wish I could give them for real
Love
Barbara xx

woodbon

Thank you all, I am going to get through, I know that with all your kind posts. I had been sorting through some paperwork and trying to organise myself, when I just felt all seem too much. The positive side of me is what I use to keep me going, but the negative does pop up at times and makes me fell Yuk!

I try not to fight my depression, but acknowledge it and then distract myself, until I begin to feel stronger. What really helps is to keep at the back of my mind the thought that this will pass and then, often I'll have learnt something from being down.

I'm better than I was earlier, I know that wrighting the post helped me get rid of some of the 'blackness' I indulged in.

Thank you all so much for being there! Lots of love Suexx

marion1952

Dear Sue

I'm so sorry to hear that the stress of this blooming tribunal, plus your arthritis, is getting you down at the moment. Why genuine people have to jump through these damn hoops is beyond me.

It would be good to have some 'representation' if that's possible.

You're a strong person Sue and you've had some really difficult things to deal with, but you always find time to support other people on this site and I, for one, have been greatly helped by your advice over the months.

I do hope you feel a bit better soon.

Take care

Marion x

dreamdaisy

You are sounding a little brighter already woodbon - it's good to vent! You are quite right, all things pass, the good as well as the bad, and I know what you mean about it all suddenly washing over you. You hang on in there, and keep telling us all about it. It does help, and we do care. DD

kathbee

So sorry to hear how you are feeling
lately Sue.

Its certainly nothing you have done thats
brought on these horrible things.

You are bound to be fed up and stressed out
with the ESA thing, I hope all that gets sorted
out soon and in your favour too. You deserve it.

I understand what you mean about getting down
and with some agorophobia too.

Hope you feel better soon

Love from Kath x

frogmorton

Oh Sue

Dont feel down Sue

You dont deserve this any more than anyone on here does and if we said that to you you know how you would reply...

I hate it that the beaurocracy makes people who already feel bad feel 100Xs worse but it is the way it is now.

I know you and once you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself down you WILL fight on - that's your nature isn't it?

I hope you feel able to lean on us - your friends on here - for a bit Sue and rest a bit before going on to fight some more.

Love and HUGE hugs

Toni xx

ironic

Hi Sue, Your having a rough time of it and at the end of the day you must put yourself first. If you can take some time out. These things take time I know as my mum went through it. She did come out the other side and actually went on a long haul flight on her own!!!
Even I would not have the courage to do that. :shock:

It's not you fault Sue. You have coped so well with all the knock backs. You are a fighter who just needs a little me time.

Lv, Ix

jean123

Hi Sue,

You have had some good advice and support from the great people on here, and I am glad that you feel a little better.

((()))))

Jean and the forum team

lindalegs

Hi Sue,

This is not your fault. It's just because yoou feel so low that your self esteem goes out the window.

As well as writing to us try noting down how you might answer any questions they could put to you. If you've written it all down beforehand and got your thoughts in order on your better days it might help you to cope when the time comes.

Hope you feel better soon.

Love Legs

dreamdaisy

Thinking of you. Night-night. DD

speedalong

Hi Sue,

having someone to represent you sounds a good idea. This would take some of the pressure off and help with your anxiety levels and also mean you had a voice at the tribunal. I do understand about being so immersed in a situation that you cannot see the wood for trees.

Keep reading and posting,

Speedy

dreamdaisy

Hello woodbon. I hope you were able to get some sleep last night. Thinking of you. DD

frogmorton

Morning Sue

Just checking in to see if you are ok today?

Hope you slept well and that you are feeling a weee bit more yourself.

Love

Toni xx

carola

Good Morning!

Did you get some sleep last night and are you smiling today?

Carol x

woodbon

Hello, I managed to sleep fairly well. I'm feeling a lot brighter today. I had a bit of a shook this morning, I noticed a slight discharde from my left breast and although i couldn't feel anything, or course I worried. So I was lucky enough to get a short notice appointment at the GPs, nor my usual doc, but one my husband sees, was on duty today.

He was very kind and checked it over and reassured me that it was nothing to worry about, but hes logged it in my notes in case I have further problems.

I know thats not likely and I've known that it was unlikely to be serious but the shock of that and the relief, made me realise how much worse things could be. I managed to put my top on back to frount in the doctors and had to nip into the loo to change it round, as it looked funny! :roll:

I hope you are all as well as you can be, its hot and sticky here with a thundery feel to the air. Not the best of weather! :roll:

Thank you all for being so caring and just being there for me. It means a lot. Those little words don't look much, but they mean a lot, honest. Getting back on my feet.

dreamdaisy

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little more in control now after a good night's sleep. What does that poster say? Keep calm and carry on. That's your motto from now on! Take care. DD

dorcas

Hiya Sue,

So glad you are feeling more positive..
I'm sure finding that discharge this morn was a bit of a shock but how good that you were seen by the doc straight away and given reassurance.

I laughed when I read you had put your top on back to front.....it's not a very well kept secret that I did something similar a week or so ago :roll: at least you noticed before seeing the doc.

keep well and keep posting.

love n (((hugs)))

Iris xx

woodbon

Hi,
Yes I was glad to see the doctor straight away. They have a system at our practice, one of the doctors and they take it in turns, is the 'duty doctor' and he deals with people who ring up and really need to see someone the same day. I told the receptionist the problem and she said I'd better come straight away and see the doc, not the practice nurse.

I felt a bit silly, but glad that I'd taken it seriously, the doctor said I'd done the right thing. He said its also on my notes, so it could be followed through by my GP if needed. It all happened so quickly I didn't even feel frightened! :shock: Felt a bit tired today!
Love Sue

marion1952

Hi Sue

Glad you are feeling a bit better, but what a shock you had this morning...! Anyway, glad that the doctor was able to reassure you.

You probably need an early night - youre adrenalin must have been sky high today that will have left you exhausted.

Marion x

chris7

Hi Sue

Sorry only just catching up to see this thread. Sorry you had such a low day yesterday with the build of worries re health and the tribunal saga. I've been there in another life so you do have my sincere sympathy. Glad to see you felt the justified whinge had helped you though when you called back to post later. Been quite a day today aswell :shock: but good to hear your doc. could reassure you on that so quickly. Do keep posting, and let us know how things go.
take care, ((( )))
Chris

frogmorton

Gosh Sue

You were SO right to go to the docs!!!

Well done - knowing me I'd have left it for weeks out of blind panic :shock:

I am so so so glad it is ok though and nothing to worry about.

Glad you are feeling brighter I hate to see you down.

You take care

Love

Toni xx

PS how's kitty???