Difficult subject!

airwave

Hi,
Can I just talk to you girls for a mo?

I have a very proud and obstinate/set in her ways wife, at 57. I am coming to the stage of dropping too many of her best china and need them in a easy to get at place rather than where they are. Its hurts my shoulders and hands/wrist to reach and put back in the cupboards. They usually fall against me as I get them out, thank goodness as I am now a househusband.

How do I overcome her wanting to believe that she rules the kitchen? I'm allowed in when she works and needs me to cook but otherwise any male incursion is frowned on, unless its for ironing etc etc .

A bit different from the usual topic, I am at a loss how to get round her, there is no 'give' in her attitude to me on this or anything else, she seems to think me 'weak' for bringing it up. Push has now come to 'shove'!

8) Its a grin, or I thought it was!

P.S. This is a last resort!

lupin15

Hi
How about getting the kitchen done if money allows. In that way you could reposition kitchen items so the breakables can be put away at the level which is good for you. (Rather than in a high cupboard)
Or re-decorate that would mean removing everything from cupboards...so you could put them back in places that suit you....spring clean???
We have problems with kit but we both break stuff....Because my legs are OK we decided to put bowl, plates and glasses in the lower cupboard.. un-breakables go in the higher ones. I am sure that at a lter date different cupboards will have to be put into our kitchen to solve problems. Good luck i am sure you will be able to sweet talk her and make it her idea!!!!

valval

well i do not have this problem as i break them and decide where they go lol it would be very hard if had to keep them in places where i could not get to them lol spring clean the cupboards and rearange them as you put it back explain you do not want to take over but make life easyer for her val

airwave

Nah, she had the kitchen completely refurbed and paid for it so it's her territory. She's the one that saves and keeps things, I tidy up and chuck them away!

Come on girls, find me an answer!

8) Its a grin, honest!

skezier

Hi Airwave,

Have you tried taking to her about how you feel? She also might be worried and concerned and its come out a weird way? I don't know what else to suggest but I honestly put great store in talking about how you feel with each other helps. Cris x

airwave

She's the one that doesn't talk, I do all the talking and end up frustrated at no reply and no reaction. We have been together 36 years and there are few surprises.

Sometimes I feel as I live on my own! or am I just low on male hormones again????

8)Its a grin, honest!

skezier

Hi Airwave,

Your neither of those things..... Maybe she would open up and talk if you started from an ordinary conversation point? Sometimes its not so easy to find a way to get things sorted but after 36 years maybe she knows what your feeling and gone into the worry thing? I hope you can get some answers that will help you. Cris x

hileena111

H Airwave,
Have you tried talking to her in a calm moment....not when something has been smashed
I believe talking is good as well but at the right time {I never chose the right time and we've been married 33yrs }
Just saying something like.....what do you think about moving some off the things so that I can cope with putting them away/getting them out. Saying this sometime when you are just chatting...bring it up casually

Love
Hileena

dreamdaisy

There is no easy answer to this, airwave. Anything involving territory is tricky. I cannot help tonight, for various reasons (all good, as far as I am concerned!) but I will think it over and see if I can come up with any good ideas. I probably won't, but I will try. DD

lavenderlady

what about making a lower cupboard yours so you can keep what you need ie spare cups bowls etc and explain its so you dont break her precious stuff, we had to chyange our cooker as i could not get down to the oven so ahd one built in at my level so I can now see in the oven to know foods cooked,
I know when my hubby says he will spend a day or so throwing my stuff away from the kitchen I go mad as some of my stuff has been collected over many years, he always says but you never use it or its taking up space, yes my space so I can understand your wifes views but equally we are talking about you being able to manage your arthritis and thats something she needs to be made aware of, so I also agree talk talk and talk again until she sees your point of view, this evening one of my quiche dishes broke today and I was gutted I'd had it years

lindalegs

Hi Airwave,

I woud ask her if she'd mind freeing up a cupboard just for everyday crockery and discuss which one would be best and most easy for you to use (that way you're still respecting her territory). If it's low down and bending is a problem put things into a plastic bowl so that you can pull things out to get at them Then use it for just everyday items.

Precious items then can be kept for special occasions and put in a different place. If they're higher than you're comfortable with and you still need to get them out/put them away occasionally, put a cushion on a work service and use a 'reach'/'helping hand' to get at them, if they do fall then, when you're handling them, they shouldn't break.

Hope this helps.

Luv Legs

skezier

Hi Airwave,

I was just wondering could it help to show her this thread? Cris x

hileena111

Hey yes
I think thats a great point...

Love
Hileena

frogmorton

Poor you Airwave and your poor wife

Neither of you signed up for this did you?

I am certain she would not want to think of you suffering and worrying so much.

Bless you for caring about her feelings.

Does she work then in the day? So you do everything theen? does she take over at night?

Maybe she is of the generation where the kitchen IS women's territory and she feels it is her job and SHE is letting YOU down by not doing it ALL the time.

Well I wasn't much help was I? :oops:

Love

Toni xx

cebeem

Do the chores you/she feels happy with....then leave the putting away to wifey!

or............ leave them out ready for the next task!

or............both do some of the jobs together....an opportunity to share your day with each other.

Its difficult to offer advice when we dont know how your day is organised.

airwave

Well, all of you have valid points, I did leave it up for her to see and then she points out that if I drop them from up high I shall drop them from down low.

You're right, dealing with the fairer sex means I don't stand
a chance! I've just awarded myself a 'proper' breakfast, 2 eggs! Who says food isn't comforting.....

8) Its a grin, honest!

dorcas

Hi airwave,

oooh what a dilemma :roll:

me thinks that your wife is not understanding your needs and I'm afraid you are going to have to claim some ground for yourself..... or your joints and mental health are going to suffer!

You've tried talking... not worked, you've tried explaining...not worked;
the china is getting broken.. fact! and this leads to a row by the sounds of it.... but no resolution!

If talking , explaining, and suggestions made by you are falling on deaf ears then I'm afraid action is required not negotiation. :roll:

Do what I did and others have suggested too.... have/ buy some bog standard crockery that no-one would care got broken for the days when you are doing the cooking... and have them in a place which is easy for you to reach.

Claim a cupboard! no ifs, no buts.... do it! and if it needs to be done surreptitiously when wifie is out, then that's just how it has to be....
if it leads to a row..... well then so be it.. at least it won't be about you breaking the good china. :!:

your 'broken wrists' are of more value than broken crockery and I'm afraid your OH needs to waken up and smell the coffee.

Iris xxx

ps... and no this definitely isn't a grin.

barbara12

Hi airwave
Sorry but you must talk to her, I had this with my OH he doesn't have arthur...just clumsy :roll: bless him he does try...I don't put anything in the kitchen that is worth much, so he can have a free rein.
You have to find a good time to talk, If we hadn't there would be divorce by now.
Cook her a lovely meal, hopefully without any mishaps, and tell her how you feel.
Good Luck
Love
Barbara x

dreamdaisy

I may have a possible solution: use plastic plates for every day, using the proper stuff when guests pitch up.

DD (who is feeling mischievous today!)

tkachev

You wont drop as many things if they are lower. I know from experience. We also use a lot of picnic, plastic plates and bowls for this reason.
I do understand her need to keep the kitchen in order and as her territory as it makes life easier.

Elizabeth

dachshund

Hi Airwave.
what does your wife think of your arthritis
as she any idea how difficult it is for you.
i hope you can find a way to work it out.
joan xx

hileena111

Hi Airwave
Nothing seem s to be working much.....what about going on strike?
A bit drastic i know but if you do nothing in the kitchen you cant harm anything and she mnight come round to your way of thinking....maybe :?:

Love
Hileena

airwave

dachshund wrote:

Hi Airwave.
what does your wife think of your arthritis
as she any idea how difficult it is for you.
i hope you can find a way to work it out.
joan xx

Not a lot! She says I have changed her life, she was looking forward to retiring, travel, doing a degree etc etc, now she is supporting us.

Can't say i blame her, never said life was going be good or fair though?

8) Its a grin, honest!

dreamdaisy

I can hear her resentment ringing thro your words. No-one can guarantee how their lives will pan out - has she considered it could just as easily be her with this condition? I hope she is more supportive to you than she sounds - after all, you did not start this disease in a deliberate attempt to blight her life. And I would suggest that your life is the more blighted of the two. You are the one that has to deal on a daily basis with the pain and frustration of this damned pestilence. DD

lupin15

God how mean of her. My hubby was medical retired at the early age of 41 years old. The family life changed and he stayed at home and i went to work full time. Yes it was hard and yes at times i did feel fed up with my lot but a marriage is about give and take. We now both have our heath problems but we work as a team to get around this. i.e i bend down to put the bowls glass's away....he puts the higher stuff away in the top cupboards. He does the ironing (mainly because i am useless at it) i wash the floors and clean the toilets etc. It is about working as a team. AND YES sometimes we both have to say one of our kids to do something we both cannot manage.
Talk to her or put your foot down. You may have a bad atmosphere for a few days but i am sure your wife will get over it.

ichabod6

You could always dine out.