Having a really difficult day today

Rainbow77

Hi Everyone

I hope this is ok on this forum as it is not really chit chat! As lots of you know my nannie passed away suddenly 2 and half weeks ago and the funeral was on friday.

I feel terrible, I am not sure what to do with myself. I have slept for the last 2 days and nights and this morning I thought I felt better. So got up and dressed etc and then it just hit me. The grief, I am heart broken and I had to go to the funeral directors to collect all her bits and jewellery. They came out with a bag with her dressing gown in. It just about finished me off today.

I am also the joint executor of her will with my uncle. So I feel like I have no closure yet at all as I have got to deal with all their affairs. And although this is the last thing I can do for her and I will do it happily, it is upsetting me more. The first meeting is tomorrow and it is 1 hour drive away.

I know I will be ok but the thing it and I wonder if any of you feel like this. Since being ill, I just don't cope with things like I used to do. My bounce back ability is nil and my elastic has broken and I have no reserves. So anything out of the ordinary is like I have been knocked by a bus and no-one understands that. I guess it is hard as part of me wants to carry on normally but then when people expect you to carry on with what you normally do and you are not up to it they ask
what is the matter? Ok this is turning into a rant, but feeling a bit better just writing it down.

Also I have got really terrible hip pain, feel like someone is pinching me hard right inside. That is really getting me down as well.

Fayann xxx

barbara12

Hi Fayann
What you are going through is normal, I am 60 now, so I have gone through this a few times, even when you mentioned picking your nans things , I can remember the grief only to well.
Like you say, when you are ill yourself, it is harder to cope, but slowly you will get there my love, just take your time, even your nans will can wait if you wish.
Just take each day has it comes, but most of all talk about your nan, and don't be afraid to cry, this is a great release.
You will get there I promise....and you keep talking yo us lot.
Sending you a big hugs
Love
Barbara xx

Poppyg1rl

Hi Fayann,
I really know how u feel, last year my best friend lost her 6yr old. I used to childmind her. She wasn't Ill there was no warning she just couldn't fight off a nasty throat infection and died the same day she was admitted to hospital. It's still a bit unreal at times for me, and the grief last year hit me like a ton of bricks. Six months after, I noticed psoriasis and swollen fingers and I was diagnosed with PA. My PA this year really got bad around the anniversary and I do know that when I'm low or ill my fingers swell up like sausages and the pain is dreadful.
I think you are doing a very therapeutic thing in writing it all down, grief has to come out. It will be some time until you feel anything like 'normal' (whatever that is) but talking to friends, family, us on the forum will help you I promise. It feels like it will never be better and in a way it won't, but there will come a time when you think of your lovely Nannie and smile (without crying although that's good too!) our loved ones are never far away as long as we keep them in our hearts. Sorry if I'm rambling on! I wish you well, you are in my thoughts Poppy xxx

dreamdaisy

It's a very recent event, rainbow, and it was a shocking one too. Unlike you, I knew that my dad was dying and was able to get thro it all quite steadily - I was certainly a little detatched from the world but things had to be done and I got on and did them. Whether it would all be so straightforward now, well, I don't know. At that time (July 2002) I had no idea what was wrong with me, I had had the first synovectomy and, stupid girl, thought it was all going to get better. Now I know better on that front, but I have no doubt that my ability to deal with things has dropped alarmingly. I am sure we lose our resilience, probably as a result of the combination of many things: the arthritis, the drugs, pain, aging, the stress of trying to cope with everyday life - these things leave little reserves for the big events. I suspect, however, that you have been coping better than you give yourself credit for - now that the initial shock has dissipated somewhat, and the 'rituals' have been attended to, now is the time that you can stop thinking, and start feeling. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself, don't put yourself under pressure.

For what it's worth, I think that you put this thread on the right forum. Take care, caome and tell us how you are feeling, we will listen and do our best to help. DD

dorcas

Hi Fayann,

Losing someone you love is one of the hardest life experiences we have to cope with. Coming to terms with such great loss is a process that in some ways we have little control over as it touches our thoughts and emotions so deeply.

It's understandable that your energy reserves are low just now; you've just lost your dear nannie and now you are faced with fulfilling your role as co-executor, which is both an honour and a challenge. Inwardly you have the powerful emotions of grief and loss to deal with and physically you have arthritis sapping your energy and emotions too.

Give yourself permission to grieve and don't be afraid to ask for help from others. Perhaps your uncle could take some of the weight off your shoulders and make the arrangements for the will to be read....?

Your nannie was and always will be an important person in your life and I'm sure she was very proud of you.

Please know that we are here for you too and want to support you in any way we can.
love and strength.

Iris xxx

tillytop

Hello Fayanne

Just wanted to add my message of support for you too.

I think I can understand something of what you are going through - my husband's wonderful Mum passed away suddenly and unexpectedly whilst we were on holiday with her just over two years ago. Having got through the past couple of weeks Fayanne and through the funeral which I know won't have been easy for you, I am not surprised that you are now struggling to cope and that it has suddenly hit you. This would be difficult enough for anyone to cope with, without your coping ability being signficantly impeded by being so unwell.

The only advice I can give you is to try to take one day at a time and to accept that the way you are feeling as a normal part of the grieving process. You will get through this Fayanne - it will take time, but, based on my own experience, things will begin to get easier as time passes.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Love Tilly xxx

cebeem

Many supportive and caring things have been said here Fayann, they are all right.
It is still early days yet ( I suppose you have heard that many times in the past few weeks) and the necessities are still there to be dealt with.... for a time that keeps us occupied and distracted from our true feelings.
Some of those things can be done at your own pace, don't be rushed and take time to do things right for you and how nan would have liked them done.
It sounds like she had a great influence on you and your sadness and hurting is natural and is a a process you need go through that all helps with the healing, and will answers some of your questions.

The tears one day I promise will turn to smiles.... I never thought I would smile again when I lost my mum and dad but now almost everyday I hear, see or do something that brings back those fantastic happy days.
Much love.

angel1

Fayann, When I lost my precious husband, the light went out on my life. That was almost ten long years ago now, and it`s never come back on at full wattage. BUT, with the help of my beloved sons, and other great people, it did come back on. It will for you too, beautifully back lit with happy memories.

Always remember to acknowledge every emotion you have, and let those emotions help to heal you. Don`t allow other people to tell you what you should be feeling, at any given time. Your feelings are just that.......Yours.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

I will think of you Fayann.........Much love........Ange.x.

salamander

hi Fayann, I posted earlier but it got lost somewhere. I can't add to what the others have said but just want to say that it does get easier.
Take care.
xx

woodbon

Hello Fayanne, First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. Everybodies comments on here are true, and you will, one day, wake up and realise that they are happening to you and you've started to come through the process, which is part of life.

I am 55 and and I've had my share of grief, the last being my beloved brother, suddenly, 9 years ago. I thought I'd never, ever get over that, but I have. I happily admit to a few tears sometimes and forgetting for a split second, that I can't ask some silly question or tell him something. The big pain has gone, life has gone on, but I haven't really lost him. For me, now theirs joy and happiness in the memories, smiles and laughter. It WILL happen to you. I promise. Lots of love sue xxxx

Wonkylegs

HI Fayann

sending you big WOnky hugs ((((((((()))))))as I can't add anything that will make you feel any better - that can only come with time and with giving yourself permission to grieve for your nan.

Please pace yourself, and don't be rushed into doing too much at once.

thinking of you very much right now
WOnky xxxxxx

chris7

Hi Fayann

So sorry to see this and read of your loss, but the tears are ok love and let them flow for as long as you need too. Those of us who have been where you are do understand the "why is the world still turning?" when you are in such personal emotional pain and as others have said it is still so raw for you. Just be reassured that whatever you are feeling from hour to hour, day to day however confusing and unwelcome is OK. Just wanted to call in send my sympathy and a hope that the happy memories will one day help ease the pain.
I will be thinking of you in the days ahead.
Chris

bertyboy

Hi Fayann ,so sorry for your loss its a tough time i think some times we go in to overdrive and deal with things for so long then it hits home again , please dont be afraid of the tears in time you will remember the lovely memories ,its still very early days ,be gentle with your self xx

julie47

Hi fayann

I don't think I can add any more to the lovely comments that the others have said so all I can do is send a hug (((()))) and hope time will heal your heart.

love juliepf x

frogmorton

Hi Fayann

I do get it. I was executor for my Mum's will too. It did drag on as it was 3 years ago and selling her property was awful hard. Remember you are not alone in doing that job the other person(s?) will be with you and as you said you will do it for Nannie with respect and conscientiously.

The grief though....it does hit you like a scary scary sledge hammer - even years later. My Mum used to say (when my Dad died) that it was like a pendulum it swings down and you are in the depths then back up and lifts for a while. It swings down less over time.

What can you do? Not that much - talking is good also try to eat if you can regularly and dont overdo the coffee (and **** if you do) and get sleep if you can.

Feeling so tired can be a symptom of grief and is totaly understandable - if it drags on for too long then I would go and see my doctor in your place.

Love and genuine sympathy

Toni xx

Ps hiope I havent broken any rules. sorry if I have :?

skezier

Hi Fayann,

Flower its so hard to lose someone you love but it does get easier. I know that's not going to help you just now.

Its unfortunate that you are co exacter cus just now you need time for your self. I hope your Uncle will be able to take some of the strain out of that so you can have a bit of time to look after you.

Fayann its horrible to have to wind up someones life, I know how hard. Is there anyway some of it can be put on hold for a min to give you a chance to come to terms with your lose? I know sometimes things can't be put on hold.

I can't help you but please know I care and am thinking of you. A (((((((((( )))))))))) and love Cris xx

ironic

Hi Fayann,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please give yourself time if you can before you start your executive duties. When everything is so raw you cannot think properly so it is good to have another person there with you.
Take one step at a time and do not be afraid to say that is as much as you can do on that day.
My deepest sympathy to all your family,
Lv, Ix

speedalong

HI Fayann,

Just sending you my support at this really sad time.

Speedy

frogmorton

Hi Fayann

just wondering how you are doing today?

Thinking of you

Love

Toni xx

Rainbow77

Hi everyone

Thanks for your support.

The meeting for the will went well on Thursday. I am joint with the bank so they are going to deal with all the day to day affairs and deal with the financial side and going to probate. My uncle and I are going to deal with all her possessions and jewellery. My Nannie was very organised and had arranged all her paperwork in 3 metal files and she also left a list of all her investments, bank accounts and life insurances etc. So we found all the relevant paperwork and gave it to the bank. I feel better now knowing what I need to do and will mainly need to countersign everything as it is released.

I felt very ill yesterday. I went back to work for the morning and my tutoring session went well but felt very ill towards the end. So packed up and came straight home. Was very sick and went straight to bed for the afternoon. I felt terrible and know it is just my body saying it is at it's limit. So stayed in bed for rest of the day and feel better today. Been out for a walk in local park today for fresh air and feel a bit stronger inside.

I really appreciate all your messages of support and advice and am just taking one day at a time. I know I will be ok, but there are no short cuts to getting there and just need to deal with things slowly.

Take care and thanks again

Fayann xxx

dorcas

Hi Fayann,

I'm so glad you have posted to tell us how you are. :!:

Your nannie certainly was a very organised person and although this has been a difficult time for you she's had a guiding hand in helping you through the necessities with the bank etc.

Your body is a good barometer of the impact on you of these last few weeks and it is good that you have been able to rest and take time to recover, a little, both physically and mentally.
But, perhaps you need to consider taking some time off work. :?: even a few days might take some pressure off you?

thinking of you...xx

Love and strength,

Iris xxxx

dreamdaisy

Hi rainbow, I hope today has not been too bad for you. You can only take things one day at a time, or even smaller time divisions - keep in touch, we will do our best to help and support. DD

chris7

Hi Fayann

Just calling in to see how you are coping. Am glad you felt able to post an update and well done on making a start with those very difficult things. Bless your nan for being so organised. Hope you have had a restful weekend. Leaving a few more hugs ((( ))), be nice to yourself.
Chris

mp1952

Hello Fayann

I'm only just catching up with the Forum, so I'm sorry I am late in saying how sorry I am to near about your Nan.. Glad to hear that the meeting last week went OK. How wonderful that she was so organised and left everything 'straight' for you..

Just listen to your body.. just do the 'essentials' for a while until you are stronger..

Take care

Marion x

stlucia

I just want to send you a really big hug. I have been in a similar position recently. You need to pace yourself and try to do little things to help yourself. xxxxxxxxxx

skezier

Hi Fayanne,

Just leaving you a ((((( ))))) love Cris xx