My Identity

elainebadknee

Hi

Im not sure if this is right place to put this topic, no doubt mods will move it if not...
I feel that with everything thats gone on in my fight to get proper treatment for the decreasion in my condition (osteochondritis dissecans of left knee) has had an impact on my life. Its like my knee dictates who I am and what I do now and until it gets resolved im like stuck in limbo.....Ive tried to apply for a couple of jobs recently and got turned down on both occasions, if my disability was a factor then i will never know as lots of unsuccessful applicants never get to know why they failed also....I also cant go on holiday as cant bear thought of planes and getting on/off them, airports or even going on hols and not being able to walk about. Even with social things, i couldnt even dance lightly just now, in fact not at all.......
I suppose another factor is dating, i mean who wants to date a jake the peg, and put in the mix the fact im gay then it gets less appealing too!!!
Im not saying im fed up or really down but life has really changed a lot and i dont suppose I always realise just how much. I know im lucky as i live at home but how else would I manage if I had/have surgery, my folks are 80 and 79 respectively......
This may seem a weird post but its just how an expression....

Elainex

barbara12

Hi Elaine
You are a fighter, or you wouldnt have got this far with the NHS, It does affect your life, but you are only young, so get your knee done, then there will be no stopping you girl.
I have faith in you.
Love
Barbara x

whalewatcher

Hi Elaine
Its not a weird post at all, its you expressing how bad your struggle has been. Your knee might affect what you do but it is not who you are. You are more than an illness/disability. You are a strong courageous woman who will rise above this & be happy again. And there will be a woman out there who will love you for who you are. Keep fighting - we're all with you.
Val

skezier

Hi Elaine,

Its horrible to have something that just wont let up! I understand totally your post..... but..... I also agree with the others and have this belief somewhere there is someone who will see beyond the knee... besides maybe they will help your knee?

I agree wholeheartedly with Val..... you are not the arthritis you are you! I have this inside me as well, I think a lot of us have if we are honest. Part of all conditions seems to be a lack of self worth and self belief..... Its transient though and changes all the time to some degree and you are strong flower so don't forget that.

I so hope they will help with your knee and life becomes a bit easier. Cris x

tjt6768

Hi Elaine, I haven't heard of many if any people mention the osteo-chondritis for many years, I had it in both my knees as a teenager, in fact I got the sack when my boss enquired how long I would be off after one of many arthroscopies, he was told by the hospital (with my permission I must add) that they had no idea how long it would be.. So that was it.. Sacked..
lol

My right knee ended up being ok after some carteledge being removed and has only started to bother me in the last year, but it's Osteo A now. My left was the worst one, had to have a full scrape out all them yrs ago and has never been right since, it's now a lot worse than the right one..
Sorry, doesn't sound encouraging, :? I got carried away, as I said, never really heard of anyone mentioning the specific disease for years..
Hope you're ok...?


Tony

elainebadknee

Hi Barbara

I do try and fight I suppose its just now everything I do is dominated by my knee......I do want surgery but then again im scared too....I think of me as now the one with the limp n dodgy knee...

Elainex

elainebadknee

Hi Val

Yes it really is just an expression of how much life has changed....I feel like the illness/disability does dominate my life just now...I know if i get the surgery ive got a chance of being happy again and not sitting on the sidelines being a spectator but if I dont I will be quite disappointed....
Dating is hard enough, needless to say there isnt lots of alike people for me to meet shall I say so ive met other exes online...But how do I describe myself now? Limping and immobile....Hmmm
I do keep fighting and appreciate all the good folks on here...

Elainex

elainebadknee

Hi Tony

Well ive only come across one other person on here with it, Strachlachan and she is fitter than me but has joined within last month or so....
Ive had mine since in teens, had about 5 or 6 ops for arthroscopies and loose body removal.....I last had arthroscopy in March this year after seeing a **** ex military physio in Bowness who basically recommended it...It hasnt helped, my condition is now id say chronic, cant walk far, stand, crouch or kneel....My consultant at kendal was unhelpful and wanted to remove kneecap without giving me justificition why I should undergo this and was very rude to me, refusing to help me further....Ive sought a 2nd opinon at Wrightington and off there in 2 weeks to see what surgery options they may offer me....
I want to be out of pain desperately and need someone to see that even though im young (42) i need help, if i carry on like this, no surgery will end up wheelchair bound....
Nice to hear from you...

Elainex 8)

elainebadknee

Hi Cris

I know im not the arthritis but its now a big part of me, no longer something i used to suffer from occaionally, its been there every week, day, month this year...
Id love to think a potential date would see past knee probs but would they? Would i if shoe were on other foot?
Im glad however im not alone in my expressions, sometimes it hits me, other days i ward it off.....
Im ever so hopeful for 6 December...

Elainex

tjt6768

Hi again Elaine, please try to stay positive, I was on crutches when I first laid eyes on love of my life, that was her first ever impression of me, with my leg bandaged from groin to toe, very flattering I know :shock:
Well that was almost 25yrs ago and we're still madly in love.. If I can find the woman of my dreams, I'm sure you can too
(I don't mean you can find the woman of my dreams, just to be sure )
Tony

PS, just read your reply above.. Some of these so called experts eh? I really hope that you find a good solution and soon. It's funny really, I am 42 as well.. Knees started playing up when I was about 15 I think, was never sporty though.. Wasn't bothered for sports, too busy skiving off school

Tony

elainebadknee

Hi Tony

I do try and stay positive....Re the dating scene well i dont know, its hard enough batting for other team never mind having an added afflication......"Hi, im Elaine and I need a new knee, want to go for a drink"?.....
Had to laugh at youre quote re finding woman of YOUR dreams, she know youre offering her up on here??LOL!!
Ive never been sporty either...Hated PE at school but always thought was half fit....Ironically this flared up as was helping dad recover from his TKR last June, he's 78 though.....Maybe its my punishment for being unfit....What the hell my bod was made to not pump iron...

Elainex

skezier

Hi Elaine,

Oh your not alone in that one flower.... I remember the agro and problems my conditions caused last time I trusted someone! He didn't understand

Right as you say you would see past it and so will someone else!

I am lucky now that part of my life is gone...I really am too challenged and stepped off the real world but you mustn;t do that cus somewhere deep down it doesn't quite sit right....

How do you describe your self... well me I would call my self old, fat haggard and immobile so your not alone flower ..... just n your case its not who you are! You can't give up! Everyone has someone out there and they are not always planned! I think sometimes we are inclined to over annalise us cus we feel so challenged physically..... I am so good at dong that one as well! Hey might be superimposing (is that the word? my brain seems to have become sludge of late!)

You know they say if you try too hard you don't find anyone but when your coasting along someone will find you? Cornish logic maybe but I now with my ex and actually my first partner i wasn't looking for either...... Hang in there flower and try and remember you are you and not that knee.

i so hope it goes well on the 6th! Cris x

tjt6768

Ain't it good to laugh eh? I was even in a wheelchair at one point after a particular bad flare in both knees at the same time, they did a double athoscopy, boy was that fun, having both legs fully immobilised at the same time!!! I remember when I progressed to crutches going to a new yrs eve party at some students house, someone knicked mi bloody crutches!!
I was that drunk I still got home without them, have no idea how..


Tony

sunnyhours

I know how you feel... I'm 21 years old and I have RA in my knees and back but I can't even walk 1.5km without hurting, let alone take a walk "for fun"...I used to be a cyclist before, I never earned my driver's license since I would travel around by bike (or by bus when transporting stuff) and now I've had to stop biking...or snowboarding, or hiking (unless I take my time and it's a small mountain...).
But still, I now can't really travel by myself and start depending on other people to get where I need to get and have stopped the few activities that were keeping me outta depression and in good shape...
I've been struggling too with this damn disease and I want to offer you my full support even though I don't have any tips, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and if it makes you feel better, I'll probably end up worse than you, in time

elainebadknee

Grr

Just wrote a message and a holiday page came up and gobbled it!!!
Right, i was saying when i joined here at first i had someone, but someone who depended on me too much i felt i couldnt support her as well as me n my ailments...She was nice but was so regimented...In fact read Charlotte Church saying about Gavin Henson he was alien to her world, vice versa, as he was so strict about what he ate, what time he slept at...My ex was the female Gavin...Honest!!!
Id love to meet someone in the future, im not desperately looking but after I get surgery would like to do that....Im too honest me, i would disclose my knee probs to someone rather than lie.....
I seriously hope your sludge isnt too bad, its awful down there aint it...Was last year we had floods in cumbria, remember it well...

Keep happy..

Elainex

elainebadknee

Hi Tony

Oh god a double arthro....And people sometimes dont care if you got crutches in pubs n parties do they...Remember first time i went out after surgery andsomeone was asking me to dance and I pulled up my skirt a bit and said "look i cant im still stitched up, okay".....That saw the creep off,,,,lol....
You sounded like quite a party animal in your youth, young man!!!

Elainex

elainebadknee

HI Sunnyhours

Aw bless you...You see it puts it in perspective dont it...I mean at age 21 id had 2 loose bodies removed and was working at a motorway service station, out every weekend.....Id hate to think i would have to have relied on public transport as love my cars...
You know you must replace those activities with others, meet other folks who will pick you up...You got a hydro pool near you? Youre too young to be sitting in depressed.....
I wish could offer you some more support.......You can message whenever you like.....

Keep your pecker up...

Elainex

tjt6768

elainebadknee wrote:

Hi Tony

Oh god a double arthro....And people sometimes dont care if you got crutches in pubs n parties do they...Remember first time i went out after surgery andsomeone was asking me to dance and I pulled up my skirt a bit and said "look i cant im still stitched up, okay".....That saw the creep off,,,,lol....
You sounded like quite a party animal in your youth, young man!!!

Elainex

Haha, you bet I was.. We had a punk wedding in 1987, on the front page of the local paper! :oops:

Tony

elainebadknee

Ah youre a punk....We have them congregating once a year in nearby Morecambe, my dad got talking to some of them one year and they invited him inside to listen to the music...My dad laughed and said he had no hair to let down...Ha...
So the big question is now have you hair left after all those years of dyeing colours and endless cans of hairspray....Lol..

Elainex

tjt6768

Surprisingly still got a full head of hair, don't have a multi-coloured mohican anymore though........

We were not a bad bunch..

Tony

elainebadknee

Ah but there must still be some of the punk still in you i bet...Yeah your lot were okay, better than skinheads!!! Gllad to hear the hair has withstood time test...
When i was younger me and my str8 mates used to play a game called "spot the grot", awful now....But we used to go into pubs pick an unlikely bloke and chat them up and arrange to meet for a drink later (which we never did)....Bad lot eh??

Elainex

hileena111

Hi Elaine,
You are a stong person....OK you are going through a miserable time at the minute...but when you get that knee done you wont know yourself.....and dont let the arthritis give you your identity....You are Elaine and you just happen to have arthrits {orwhatever}......We all believe in you.......your bound to be a bit down after all the fighting you've had to do.
Sending hugs (((((( )))))))


Love
Hileena

tjt6768

elainebadknee wrote:

Ah but there must still be some of the punk still in you i bet...Yeah your lot were okay, better than skinheads!!! Gllad to hear the hair has withstood time test...
When i was younger me and my str8 mates used to play a game called "spot the grot", awful now....But we used to go into pubs pick an unlikely bloke and chat them up and arrange to meet for a drink later (which we never did)....Bad lot eh??

Elainex

You bad bad girl Those poor innocent unsuspecting men-folk, you probably broke their hearts :shock:
I do still listen to some of the old tunes every now and then, and our Daughter has grown up appreciating them too. Although she's now into the psycho-billy/1950's style.

I look quite respectable these days As long as I have my tattoos covered up that is!

elainebadknee

Hi Hileena

Im okay, not miserable its just my knee stops me doing stuff...Like today there was a new Dunelm Mill at Morecambe opened up but i didnt want to go as couldnt face trailing round shops and leg being in constant pain so I didnt go....I stopped in most of day bar posting a birthday present for my niece....
I was saying to dad tonight when radio was on and he was dancing to "We Like to Boogie - T Rex" i love that song but cant dance as cant put weight on my bad leg...Im missing out on a whole lot of things......
I suppose im scared of getting op but also staying like this forever too....

Thanks for hugs........

Elainex

elainebadknee

Hi Tony

Well in all honesty I wasnt one of them that did it a lot, wasnt that confident and besides who knows someone wasnt playing same game too in another pub across town? I were quite good really, used to drink a fair bit mind, used to neck a bottle of cider via a bong (funnel plus plastic tube) and that was before we went out...Some nights we only made 3 pubs and then home...sozzled....
A lot of the old stuff comes back mind dont it...And bands get back together so you can see them again 2nd time round.......
Im sure youe fine, tats n all, im only chicken not to get any done as im needle phobic but i like some tats and it depends if they go with the person too...

Elainex

dorcas

Hi Elaine

you are definitely more than the sum of arther :!:

you've had a hard fight on so many fronts these past months but have grit and determination in bucket loads.

If you've taken a metaphoric tumble then you can be sure that we will lend you a hand (many hands) and pull you back out. :!:

((((hugs)))

Iris xx