Skegness bound

tjt6768

Since posting my picture on here the other day I've had constant battles with different governments/factions from all over the globe, I'm on the top ten most wanted list for offensive remarks to just about anyone, that's an official list in case you were wondering.. Lol
The early hours of this morning had me battle with two sets of opponents...
Firstly a group of Welsh Ninjas, back in the 80's whilst on tour with Tom Jones (long but true story :???: :shock:) I announced on stage that all the panties ever thrown at him were actually from his Mother... He took this to heart and vowed revenge.. Seems he had finally tracked me down.. However, his crack team of assassins were no match for the lad from Leeds, lol.. Sent them packing, daffodils firmly between bum cheeks :eek: :eek:
Two minutes after giving them the boot and with barely enough time to drink my tetleys, a second group arrived, hellbent on getting me bundled onto a plane, heading for Lybia... You would have thought old rubber face would have enough on his plate without wanting to get me back for giving him a wedgie back in'94.... Some dictators just can't take a joke.. After fighting the three would be kidnappers off with one hand, other hand firmly clasped around my pint pot of tetleys, holding steadfast so's not to spill any mid fight.. I managed to talk them into staying for breakfast, turns out they were rather nice chaps... I've sent them on their way, each given a few tetley tea bags for their troubles.. They have all sworn to give up their violent ways, one is going to live out his dream and become a ballet dancer.. :shock: :shock:

Well it was an eventful morning here... What have you been doing? :???:

tjt6768

Well, it seems as though I am the only one on here having any kind of fun today..

At 13:27 the place exploded, a stun grenade had been sent through the waterpipes up into the toilet, fortunately I was not sat on it at the time.. I was trained to handle events such as these in my former life as an trained assassin.. My reflexes kicked in straight away and I was ready for the task-force that came through the front door.. Luckily for me I was trained in the ancient style of fighting using medical aids... I managed to disable the first fella through the door with my long-handled shoe horn, the second one got the old cruthes in the crutch treatment.. So did the following three... The last one was a bit trickier, he had been trained in crutch-pow and could fore-see my every move.. I had to think on my feet (boom boom)...... That was when I remembered I had one of those plastic and lace type things for putting socks on... I quickly somersaulted into the bedroom, grabbed it and in a flash had used it as a catapult, launching several tramadol tablets into his mouth... I taunted him for a while until the drowsiness kicked in.. I just had enough time to question him before he fell into a deep sleep...

Turns out that I am still wanted in Australia..... I was working as Paul Hogan's stunt double on set of the Crocodile Dundee films.. When I let slip to the rest of the cast and crew that he bleached his hair and wore women's knickers :shock: :shock:
He put a conract out on me there and then... Also had the rest of the cast and crew sign a legally binding document never to release the information..

Well, I wonder if that is all of the adventures I am having for today, I hope so, Janet will be home in a while...

julie47

tony.....you ok.....is it those patches that are having this effect on you. :?:
I am a bit worried mi dear

juliepf x

tjt6768

Hi Julie...
Well at first I thought it was the meds but then I remembered that I actually am wanted by all these people and that the attempts on my life and the kidnappings etc were all real :shock:
In fact I had to quietly dispose of two more opponants while Janet was in the shower without alerting her to the situation.. She would go mad if she found out that I once worked as a bodygaurd for Whitney Houston, n fact that film was based partly on me.. Not the bit where I fell for her though, which brings us back to this evening's trist with the two gangsta boys.... Whitney had sent them to duff me up big-stylee and pop a cap in my **** (their words not mine) due to the fact that while working for her I told her I thought she had an adams apple :shock: :shock: She was very touchy about the subject apparently :roll:
Said gangsta boys were sent back in blinged up body bags, it's what they would have wanted

joanlawson

Tony. now I know why we made you President of the Mad Hatter's Club.



Joan

tjt6768

I have no idea what you mean by that Joan :shock: :shock: All the above statements are fact :shock: :shock:
I mean, you were the one who set this wheel in motion, it's your fault that I am expecting more hitmen/wimmin to come calling in the next few days.. :eek:
If you look closely at the photo of me you can see that the holes in my cheeks are in fact bullet holes from back in the day when I was an under cover cop in Chicago... A gangster called Jimmy Two Fingers found out about me and shot me in each cheek to teach me a lesson... Needless to say, I have four 'dimples' now :shock:
I only survived because I happened to be chewing on some rock cakes that my Mum had made, bless her, she never could bake but it saved my life that day :roll:

joanlawson

So it's all MY fault, is it :!: But you didn't tell me that you had this secret life as an ex-bodyguard, trained assassin, stunt double, and undercover cop :!: :roll: Typical male :!: Never tell you anything :!: :roll: Goes to show that just when you think you know someone.............. :shock:

tjt6768

I could not reveal my true identity my dear, I did not want to get you involved in any of this.... Do not fear though, they will not come looking for you, they are only after me...

I am surprised that Speilberg's hit squad haven't caught up with me yet.
I once told him I thought that Schindler's List was a 'mediocre' piece of filmwork....... I actually saw fireworks come out of his ears, true story.. He's been after me ever since, so I know it is only a matter of time before the Jewish Mafia are on the way...
:shock:

tjt6768

Well, me and my big mouth...
The Jewish Mafia have just been round, a whole kibutz full of them :shock:
Good job my knees were feeling a little better today, they took some beating, Mr Spielberg was definately intent on revenge I can tell you..
Fortunately for me I am trained in ham to ham combat and as such had the advantage straight away... I managed to scare some of them off just by waving some of it around...
After that it was just me against five of them, they were very jolly chaps, but they had brought a secret weapon with them, a Christian.. That put paid to my pork victories... While they kept me busy talking about the film industry the sneaky Christian ate my ham, now I was for it.. They all stood round me laughing, there I was, outnumbered 5 to 1.. No pork based weapons to speak of... This would be an oldschool brawl..
They put up quite a fight I can tell you, even the Christian :shock:
As ever though, I was too good for them, sent them packing, back to Hollywood, skullcaps upon bowed heads, shamed.... Spielberg will not be a happy bunny...

Wonder who the next opponents will be... :???: :???:

tkachev

tjt6768 wrote:

oh my dear.. Never pegged you as a coward, lol..
Just kidding hun..

I am indeed a coward! If I could find the one wearing my knee high boots and mini skirt then I might post that!

Elizabeth

tkachev

Tony we can see all this because you are secretly being filmed. I am watching you right now......

Elizabeth

tjt6768

:shock: :shock: :shock: :???: :???: :shock: :shock: :shock:

tjt6768

Once again I have been faced with a paid task force sent to kill me.. :roll: :roll:
I have no idea who these people represented, kept uttering something about bin liners and a cave, someone hiding in it, no idea... I had just got out of the shower, luckily I had been trained many years ago by a towelling monk in the ancient Chinese art of Sham-Poo.......
As the first one came toward me I expertley removed the lid from my Matey shower gel and flicked it in the air, catching his gaze, while he was distracted I round-house kicked him into next Wednesday... Ka-boom..
Second one started to reach for his scimitar (don't ask me, I ain't the one making this nonsense up :???: ) and came running at me, big mistake, I swiftly side-stepped him and did a Vulcan neck maneouvre on him (Leornard Nimoy taught me that when I taught him how to make Yorkshire puds back in 1983, true story :shock: ) he slumped to the floor in a pile, I just had time to step over him and exit the bathroom when the third and final mujahadin-type fellow grabbed a hold of me, had me in a bear hug, appropriate as my towel had now fallen to the ground :oops: :eek: He was laughing maniacally, I couldn't figure out what was so funny until I noticed his belt was ticking :eek: :eek: :eek:
I managed to baffle him by asking him if he thought a timed bomb would suffer from jet-lag :???: while he pondered this I whacked him over the head with his own stupidity, which was rather hefty... Kerrr-perr-lunk.. Hit the ground like a sack of spuds....

Boy am I glad Janet had her headphones on :roll:
I had to cram both of the existing 'bodies of evidence' in the recycling bin, not sure what the fine for that round here is but it must be a better price than the one I would have to pay if Janet found out that I was an ex-assassin/ninja/gun for hire/all round great guy hero type