For Sale, a slightly used body . . .

dreamdaisy

Messrs Tartitup and Floggit (Estate Agents and Valuers) are pleased to present the body of a 52 year old woman. It has some remarkable features including an hour-glass body shape, a voluptuous bosom, natural blonde curly hair and a good sense of humour. Admittedly there is evidence of some bruising, patches of dry skin and the presence of dry rot (mostly evident in the feet, ankles, knees and sacro-iliac joints) but treatment for that is currently being undertaken. The vendor, a Miss Dream Daisy, has indicated her desire to be shot of this particular carcass as she would dearly love to go and live abroad to get away from her dreary tablet-and-injection-ridden life here. Any reasonable offers considered.

traluvie

What a great idea DD..Wonder if i could possibly sell mine too would love to be 21 again lol..I wonder if i can make it sound like buying my body would be a great thing??

For sale, 32 yr old 5"2 small framed body..Blonde natural curly hair, perfect waistline and J Lo butt...Has a lot of twitching and vibrations which can help with dancing and waking you up when sleepy..Has trouble with hips and knees but can be assisted with the cool aids that you can decorate to your own desire..Doesn't sleep that great at the moment so can be a good watch out at night for those burglers. Doesn't eat alot either so no problem of extra added weight..Also have great cocktail of drugs too, so you'll be spoilt for choice..
Open to offers..Please don't all rush at once, Best offer pls..

Have i sold it to you DD..

jillyb1

Vintage seaside body for sale . Used , but in passable condition , well covered but gradually shrinking ; complete with a Betsy dog ~ any offers ? Jillyb

stickywicket

Could I please register an interest at the outset? If, in the current economic climate, no buyer can be found, would Miss Dream Daisy be prepared to sell individual parts of said body? It's a long time since I had a half decent bosom, let alone a voluptuous one. I would be prepared to top (sic) any offer on this.

As a matter of interest, will Miss Dream Daisy be putting her body in in part exchange for a new one? I am intrigued as to how she proposes to live abroad without one. All the people I have seen abroad have come in bodies. Indeed, in USA, some appear to come in two bodies.

tjt6768

maybe a swap shop type deal could be struck between you wimmin folks?
I could man the phones a la edmunds stylee... I do have some loud shirts

hileena111

Does this body have a great imagination??????????????/

Love
Hileena

stickywicket

To Mssrs Tartitup & Floggit (Estate Agents & valuers)

Re Slightly Used Body

Dear Sirs,

I have a client, one MR SW, who may be interested in the ‘slightly used’ body you have on your lists.

In the first instance he would like to arrange a viewing, preferably in daylight. He is also keen to find out if it has been modernised at all, if the exterior has been well-maintained and exactly how much it will cost to run.

Could you inform us, on his behalf, if you would consider a part-exchange? He claims to have an old property he is willing to dispose of – borderline vintage, unprepossessing in appearance but parts of the interior have been replaced with state-of-the-art fittings.

My client would appreciate your total discretion in this matter.

Yours faithfully,

Miss O’Gynist

pp Mr A Sleazebag and Mr Chauvinist Pig (Associates)

julie47

well this thread has made me laugh

juliepf x

dreamdaisy

Dear Miss O'Gynist,

Thank you for your letter concerning the interest of your client, Mr SW, in the body we currently have listed on our books. We have contacted our client, Miss Dream Daisy and she has indicated that she is more than happy to undergo a daylight inspection by your client: she can assure him that although no modifications have as yet been undertaken, the exterior is absolutely genuine, brushes up well and isn't that ugly. Running costs are remarkably low - at least four pints of beer over a week-end, combined with at least one curry is all that is involved.

Regarding the borderline vintage, my client is in fact interested: state of the art fittings would make a very pleasant change from the dry rot. We look forward to hearing further from your good self.

Yours sincerely

A N Optimist

(on behalf of Messrs Tartitup and Floggit)

stickywicket

Dear Sir/Madam,

In view of the state of your client Miss Dream Daisy’s exterior and her willingness to undergo inspection, our client, Mr SW, would like to take this matter further, possibly a test drive.

He is a little concerned about the running costs. I should point out that we are based in the north of the country and, in these parts, four pints ‘at least’ per weekend, plus a curry seems a little excessive. I note that no mention is made of weekday running costs. Am I to assume your client runs on empty during the week? Perhaps we could discuss this further.

Also, it would appear that your client’s sole interest in my client’s vintage property is in its scrap value. Is this the case? It has been in his possession for over 40 years and he may be reluctant to have it dismantled into its component parts though I’m sure if the price was right we could come to some arrangement.

Yours faithfully,

Miss O’Gynist

pp Mr A Sleazebag and Mr Chauvinist Pig (Associates)

tjt6768

I would just liked to state as an independent surveyor that the afore mentioned property under going sale on behalf of Dream Daisy also has an ample upper level terrace at the front. This makes for an excellent viewing platform from which to watch the world go by. Please be aware that there may still be a small ex soldier loitering around this part if the structure. He ventured in there some time ago looking for some cheese and hasn't been heard from since.

traluvie

Lmao

Have not noticed a bid yet?
What is the asking price DD??
Tony's idea of a swap shop sounds good, but i doubt it will be much use to swap as most of us have alot of bad bits..Saying that though DD your hips aren't too bad maybe i can have your hips and you can have my??? what would you like?? let me think whats in full working order??? ,
eyes no, brain def no no,ears no, shoulders and neck not too bad so that a maybe, Breasts are sagging south so that a def no no too..Tummy well looks good on the outside(nice and flat)not so good on the inside), hands and elbows no no, knees a no no and so is my feets ankls and toes so the only good thing in working order i'd say is my heart luvie..xx

tjt6768

I'd need payment of course

dreamdaisy

Dear Miss O'Gynist,

Thank you for your letter of 28th September, it was very kind of you to respond so quickly. I have tried to inform Miss Dream Daisy of Mr SW's further interest but I am currently unable to contact her (I believe the mobile phone signal in her local hostelry is a little dodgy). This information may, in itself, reassure your client that Miss Dream Daisy is entirely capable of taking care of herself during the week - Mr SW would only be required to cough up for two nights out of seven, viz Friday and Saturday. Before she left my office for the shelter of the Plump Feline my client did screech 'Scrap value? Blimey, 'adn't fort of vat!' which may not augur well.

I wait to hear from you at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely

A N Optimist. (Mr)

Ankyspond

I have one for the scrap yard! X

tjt6768

you need to go to:
www.pikeysareus.org.anised.crime they buy and sell anything

Ankyspond wrote:

I have one for the scrap yard! X

:shock:

stickywicket

Dear Mr A Optimist,

I feel with some careful negotiations Miss Dream Daisy and Mr SW may be persuaded to come to an agreement which would profit both of us.

If Miss Dream Daisy is willing to ‘take care of herself’ during the week, I am fairly confident that Mr SW would oblige at weekends. He is a generous man (by our humble northern standards) and may well be persuaded that 4 pints plus one curry per week would be a reasonable price to pay for sole rights over a 52 year old female body with only one previous owner, especially given the hour glass shape and GSOH which was mentioned. (His current, vintage property is shapeless and the SOH fluctuates between G and FA.)

Could you clarify one point? When your client cried ‘’adn’t fort of vat!’ exactly how much VAT did she have in mind? I trust the value of this will not be in proportion to the rather large viewing platform to which independent surveyor Mr TJ Twaddle referred?

Yours faithfully,

Miss O’Gynist

suzygirl

Love it

dreamdaisy

Dear Miss O'Gynist,

Once again I have to thank you for your commendably quick response to my earlier communication. I would very much like to provide clarification on the points you mention but I find that my client, Miss Dream Daisy, is currently unable to communicate at all. After our office closed at 6.30pm I too wandered round to the Plump Feline to find her in 'full throttle' at the bar. I assumed that a fair quantity of gin had been consumed as she was encouraging those around her to (and I quote) 'Lie me down and roll me over and . . . . ' at which point she slid from her bar stool and fell in an unceremonious heap at my feet, sound asleep. It turns out to have been tequila: one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I give you my full assurance that tomorrow morning I will consult once again with my client about her wishes and intentions regarding Mr SW, the fittings and the VAT issue - but I do hope that her antics of today will reassure your client that my client is fully able to cater for her needs during a Sunday to Thursday.

Oh and before I forget, Mr T J Twaddle (having been at the Tetleys again) may have slightly mis-led you as to the actual proportions of this viewing platform. As no small soldier actually appeared during her tumble this may be another myth similar to those of soldiers in the jungle still fighting the Second World War.

Repsectfully yours

A N Optimist

stickywicket

Dear Mr A N Optimist,

Rather than being reassured by Miss Dream Daisy’s weekday antics, I am a little concerned about them. The asking rate for my client (4 pints plus a curry for the weekend) would appear to be most unlikely to satisfy a lady – and I use the term very loosely – who clearly spends her weekday evenings sliding around pub floors. I feel a contract would have to be drawn up specifying the exact number of beers and currys involved.

As for the VAT issue, if you are suggesting that Mr Tetley J Twaddle’s calculations re the viewing platform were inaccurate and exaggerated, my client would consider paying a rate of VAT proportional to the size of the viewing platform provided it can be legally established that said platform contains no sitting tenants, whether soldiers or civilians,

Mr SW tells me that, if it will assist matters, he is quite willing for me to arrange a viewing in The Plump Feline, preferably on a weekday evening.

I remain etc etc,

Miss O’Gynist

madwestie

DD and Sticky this post is great i can't wait for the next installment

dreamdaisy

My very dear Miss O'Gynist

As my underling, Mr A N Optimist, is currently out of the office I find myself in the delicate position of needing to forge a reply to your very good self, regardng the possible meeting and negotiations between your client, a Mr SW, and ours, Miss Dream Daisy. She has just left this office, trailing an odour of musk mixed with a cheap scent and leaving a half-empty plastic bottle of orange juice.

I regret to inform you that this is not our first encounter with this lady (and yes, you are quite right to question the use of that term in regard to that woman). She does make a it regular habit to offer herself for sale to those who may be able to keep her in liquid refreshment to the level she is accustomed: she is, in fact, a ghastly creature. In being advised that your client was willing to undertake a 'test drive' she screeched 'If it isn't a Naston Mar'in I'm not bovvered!' promptly followed by a sip of her orange juice.

She also strongly refuted the suggestion that she spends her evening 'sliding around pub floors' (as you so deliciously phrased it.) 'No I bleedin' doesn't! was another screeched response, followed by another sip. I find I am rather dry, I may well have a sip ot two of her juice - Oh! I say! That tastes most unusual but rather delightful. I wonder what sort of juice this is?

Now, my client. She sat opposite my good self this morning, crossing and uncrossing her legs in a manner which (I am sure) she thought similar to that of Miss Sharon Stone but to my mind was much more like that of Mr Kenny Everett. (This is indeed a most enjoyable juice, I don't mind if I do.) Hse - I apologise - She is willling to meet to meet Mr SW, at a time and venue of his chooseing - choosing, but would happliy - happily venture to the Plump Feline as they - and I quote- 'know me and we'd get plarstard.' I am not shore - sure whaqt - what - 'plarshtard' means. My fingers are not working too well, more juice perhaps might help.

Now, regarding the posshible - I aplogise - possible meeting of our respective clients I would sincerely suggest you ashk (more juice might help, I think, my shyllables are not too clear - ahhh, that's better) that you ask your client whether he thinksh that an entaglement with this blousy young (and I use that term looshly) woman is really shuitable. Given his (this joosh is lovely!) his Northern senshibilities it is queshtional wheth er - can't shee yto ty[pe osrn lgpsm .;hgoifddngh More Juice! Thash ne;jfv n/slkmg HIC!

daylily

One of the best posts I have ever read

stickywicket

Dear Mr N Slkmg,

This is a most unfortunate twist of fate. I regret to inform you that my client, Mr SW, is no Naston Mar’in, more what I believe our American cousins refer to as a ‘Ute’. Even worse, at the mention of the crossing/uncrossing of legs, Kenny Everett style, his BP became dangerously high and he feels he may have to reconsider the whole proposal. (He did not explain whether this rise in BP resulted from an aversion to the late Mr Everett or some other matter.)

He does, however, retain an interest in the property and assures me that, following visits to A&E and his bank manager, he will further investigate your client. He is also checking out ebay for the best possible price on his current vintage property which, alas, falls slightly short of ‘antique’ status and thus may have to go for its scrap value after all. (You don’t happen to know the current price for titanium? There is a lot and it is the property’s most attractive feature, according to Mr SW.)

I am sure my client will be in touch with Miss Nightmare Daisy as soon as he returns from A&E.

Yours,

Miss O’Gynist

P.S. You don’t happen to have the name of the excellent fruit juice? I have a long-standing interest in health foods and nutritional supplements.

julie47

This is my bookmark so I know where I am up to

Loving it.

Juliepf x

dreamdaisy

Dear Miss O'Gynist

Please accept my apologies for this very delayed reply to your last missive - our office has been in a state of upheaval for the past few hours and this is the first opportunity I have had to compose a reply to your good self.

As my esteemed colleague (and, between you and me, total prat) stated, I was indeed out of the office yesterday, but was amazed to receive a rather garbled message from our secretary, Miss Cilly Dithers, who was (and I quote) 'I am all of a thing! Oh! Oh! Oh Mr Optimist, I don't know what to do! I am all of a thing!' I told her I would come in immediately and the most amazing sight met my eyes.

There was old Olly - Mr O Le'Aginous that is, the senior partner in Tartitup and Floggit - sprawled over his keyboard, tie askew, rimless John Lennon specs pushed up his forehead, sound asleep and gently snoring. One hand was curled lovingly around a nearly empty 1/2 litre bottle of juice, which I found curious as he only ever drinks tea and water (he is the most devout tee-totaller one could ever wish to meet). I think his forehead must have triggered the 'send' button on his keyboard and I do apologise for the mis-spelled and, quite frankly, garbled communication you received.

Once I spotted the name Daisy, I immediately became suspicious of the juice and indeed found it to be liberally spiked with some form of alcohol - oh dear, poor Olly! It took me a while to stop laughing whilst Miss Dithers flittered about like some lilac moth. I eventually loaded him into my car and drove him home to Mrs Le'Aginous, who was none too impressed - I believe her actual phrase was 'Oh God, Olly, not again!' which has set me wondering. I digress.

I have received further information from Miss Daisy regarding the possible exchange of bodies between your client and mine. She regrets to inform me that as treatment for the dry rot has had to be stopped for the current time she thinks that this exchange should not go ahead at present as she is not fully protected or insured against further damage. It is with some sadness that I write this, possibly our last communication, as I have thoroughly enjoyed my encouters with this lovely lady: I find her to be spirited, resolutely cheerful, good humoured and rather lovely to look at (as does our surveyor, he has a picture of said lady, wondrous creamy cleavage and all, on his desk).

I trust this letter finds you as it leaves me, in good health and optimistic.

Yours sincerely,

A N Optimist.