I'm feeling totally depressed

niecee

I've being diagnosed with OA since Dec 2010. Im 44 yrs old and I just cant get to grips with it. Im now having to use a walking stick, mobility is becoming and issue and having problems with stairs. I use to be very out going, party nights out with friends. I felt sexy and attractive and now all those things have gone. I only go to work. I wont socialise people stare at my stick or how i limp. I cant party as if its standing only then im in pain. I go to bed im in pain. I feel ugly and unattractive. Ive always been able to pick an choose relationships now i have none. Who would look at me anyway! I couldn't have sex as my hip joints are painful. i constantly ask why me and just cry at night in bed. I know im locking myself away but i cant help it. i hate what is happening to me. I know im not the worst but im scared of being on my own and not being able to do things. All i want is one day without pain and to be able to walk without a stick is that too much to ask?

stickywicket

15 months is not a long time in terms of getting to grips with arthritis, niecee. You have lost a lot of your old life and expectations for the future. The loss has to be acknowledged and even grieved over and I think that is where you are right now.

You ask 'Who would look at me?' Well, I was 7 years into RA when I got married. My husband (We've now been married almost 44 years) didn't care about the arthritis because it was me he cared about - the full package, with or without RA. The good guys will still look at you. The wastes of space who are only interested in perfection won't bother. Arthritis has saved you from them.

I still party. It's never 'standing room only' when I'm there as a seat is always provided. Sex? Well, AC does a booklet or leaflet about how to manage both sex and arthritis. It can be done.

Arthritis will limit you but there's no need to impose extra limits on what you can and can't do. There are ways round most things - not all but most. Decide what your prioroties are and then go for them.

It's not easy but we will be here to cheer you on.

applerose

Hi Niecee. I have RA and am also worried about the future. I am not on any meds yet (not decided whether or not to go down that route) but am becoming less mobile and finding it difficult to do all the usual things.

I am sure you look no different and are still the same beautiful person inside. People may look at your stick. It's only natural but it doesn't mean they are judging you. I'm sure that if you went to a party and explained that you need to sit down, there would be plenty of people to offer you a seat. As for relationships, I understand what you mean. I finished a relationship last July and now wonder if anyone would be interested in me. I don't go out really to find someone else so have joined a couple of dating sites. I only chat but, if someone wanted to meet me, I'd go along. You never know.

Try not to be so harsh on yourself. Keep your chin up and think positive. You are still the same person you were. ((hug))

freesia

dear niecee

I was diagnosed with OA grade 4 in both knees last december... And like you am early 40's, I too was very active and outgoing... BUT, now walk with a stick or crutch and very rarely go out... the supermarket shop is about the highlight of my week...

I also feel unattractive and the 'odd' one out.... it's crap... have to wear "comfy" clothes and shoes for ease of movement ect... so I know exactly where your coming from.....

BUT....

We have to 'try' and put a smile on our face...
Perhaps today is just a particularly bad day for you, and tomorrow might be a little brighter for you... fingers crossed...

I just try and live in the day.. and not think too much about the future, then I don't get quite so depressed...

Sending you a BIG HUG xx

emsjane

Hi Niecee,

The words you wrote could have come out of my mouth!!!!!

I am 42 years old, ive had inflammatory OA since i was 30 years old! Im now at the point where i need to take a walking stick out with me when were doing some walking.

I also have OA in my hips and it has practically put an end to my sex life and i love sex!!! I do have a partner and he is very understanding and we have had to use our imaginations, but when we do have sex i am always in agony during and afterwards!!

I used to feel so sexy and having OA has changed the way i walk and i now only wear comfy shoes that arn't glamorous at all and i have put on weight because of being less active and depressed and comfort eating, so i don't wear sexy clothes now either!!!

I also don't go dancing with my friends as i can't stand and can't dance and need to go somewhere where i can sit down!

It is horrible and frustrating, but i do try to be as positive as i can and i know i am not alone and i know there are people worse of than myself and i know things could be worse!!

Big hug from me and try and stay as positive as you can!

barbara12

Hi niecee
The others have said it all, I just want to add my support, and whenever you want to talk we are here,it really does you good to talk to people that understand some of what you are going through.
Sending you loads of hugs ((((())) xx

waddle

sending you hugs , i know what your saying and how you feel i am in the same position as yourself and it can get you really down. you are not alone, we are here and you can turn to us anytime, xxxxxx

Folara

I think this is something so many of us can relate to. I used to compete my horse to high level dressage (I'm talking International), now I can manage a plod twice a week if I am dosed up to the eyeballs in morphine.

I feel that my husband never married the person I am now and it makes me insecure. Can't remember the last time we went out, he never invites me anymore. I am a burden to him. I can't walk properly, I can't lift anything, I can't bend and I have urine incontinence due to nerve damage. I use crutches indoors and a wheelchair outdoors.

I have no money and the crappy government have now taken away the only little bit I did get so I am also a financial burden.

Sex? What's that? I found a packet of condoms in my husbands backpack the other day. I won't say anything because he might leave me and I don't want to be alone. Not to mention of course that I still love him.

I'm fat, frumpy and ugly and feel it. No matter what I do I look like a bag lady at best.

I'm am 45, going on 95. Life is rubbish and unfair.

But that's life and despite all of it I am lucky. I am not starving, I have clean water to drink, I am not homeless, I have an enormous amount of medical support. I am loved by friends and family.

It really could be a lot worse. Big hugs. Xxx

Fols x

applerose

Oh Fols, I am sorry things seem so bad for you but, at the same time, you do look at the good things you have in your life. Good for you. I sometimes think I'm looking old and frumpy but when I do feel like that, I put on some of my best clothes and some make-up, even when just popping to the shops. I do it for me, no-one else, and it cheers me up. Or I'll put on the type of music I used to run to and sit on my sofa bopping away to it. Keep your chin up. ((hug))

Poppyg1rl

Hi Niecee,
I'm so sorry you're feeling so low hon, it's a real 'kick in teeth' when you're initially diagnosed with any arthritis.
In my case I'm 39 and i was diagnosed two years ago with Psoriatic Arthritis, i ran my own business and simply couldnt cope working any longer, and so after 15 years I had to call time on it. It was a bloomin tough time for me i can tell you, my hubby and three teenage sons were a great support and help, but it was the people on this wonderful forum that understood how i was really feeling, and the love and support I found here is amazing and I'm sure is what got me through it all. So Niecee hon, feel free to rant away, cry if you want to, but keep talking to us and if you would like to have a chat feel free to pm me, or, if you'd like to speak to the helplines they too are wonderful support, number at the top of the page.
Hang in there Niecee, life does get better, you will be happy again, it's just that we have to tackle things a little differently.
Sending you comforting hugs ((())) take care X

emsjane

Ohhhh Fols, that made me so sad reading your post!!!!

You shouldn't have to put up with that from your husband! He isn't being a husband if he is treating you like that!!!

Have you tried talking to him about it all?? Telling him how you feel?

You deserve to be treated better than that!

Big hugs from me x

skezier

Hi Niecee

Oh flower one good day eh?

You do, as freesia says have to force your self on a bad day.... never easy and maybe going on a AC challenge pain or Arthritis course could help to get your head round it all?

There are things you can try to do on a bad day... or in my case on a good or bad one actually....

Distraction, meditation, relaxation etc all can help.

The stick thing... I find they can help and I have this lurch to the left thing going on just now and a stick makes the lurch a bit 'safer'.

Hang in there flower cus it honestly does get easier. Like some of the others i have had the bone shift for so many years I don't remember not having it... but... acceptance... now thats another thing.

You hang in there and leaving you a cyber ((((( ))))) and a hope today 9as it now is) will be a lot better. Cris xx

Hi Aprilrose,

The future may be better than you fear flower and a friend of mine taught me the one day at a time thing long ago... sometimes thats the best thing to do and tomorrow well its not going to be as bad as you fear. A ((( ))) and a hope to you as well. Cris x

Leaving ((((( )))))'s for the rest of you who are struggling... promise it does get easier. xx

Folara

How are you feeling today Niecee? Every day is a different one, make the most of each and every one. Would be better if the sun was shining, unfortunately it's cold and wet and windy here.

More hugs.

Fols x

hileena111

Hi Niecee
How do you feel today? Its true.....one day at a time is the only way to cope with this thing!!!!
Try to put your make up on every day if possible {not necessarily the whole lot but some} I know it makes me feel better even if I'm not going out. I do have to force myself to do it sometimes.
Its sunny here but still frosty.....{in PJ's looking out the window }
Use any aids that you can and think of them as coping mechanisms....not giving in {I know you didnt say that} My daughter nagged me into getting a mobility scooter years ago......think of how much farther you and dad can go if he doesnt get out of the car and think......how hilly is this? We'll just walk along the main street {or whatever} she was right.
He now drops me in our Metro Center which is very large ...on a Sat mornings and he goes into town or wherever and i just drive round there...sometimes shopping sometimes just a coffee {always a coffee :oops: } and then he picks us up ....myself and scooter.Its the 3rd person in our car......its there almost permanently
Sorry I've rambled on....but you come on here and rant or cry or tell us things are getting better.....anytime you want to.....we aren't going anywhere
Love
Hileena

emsjane

That was really lovely Hileena!

And you are right, just putting your make up on everyday to make you feel better is a good idea and amazingly, it does help!!

bubbadog

Hi Niecee, The words you wrote could have come out of all of our mouths on this forum at some time, I know you must feel like your life's finished. But it isn't. If you think what ever part of me is knackered but my brain is fine and that's good! There are so many things you can still do, and the things you can't you just adapt them to suit you! As for your OH If he really loves you he will stick around and help you. As several people have said and I run my life like this. Take each day as it comes. Hope you feel better this morning. If you ever wanna talk you can just P.M me (private message) and I'll answer you back anything you fancy talking about.

dreamdaisy

Arthritis hits more than our bones and joints, it plays havoc with our emotions, our feelings of self-worth, our morale and our confidence. I am now at the 'don't give a damn' stage of it all: I am 53 and having to use a four-wheeled rollator to get about outdoors and people can stare all they want, it doesn't bother me - they can count themselves lucky, no? If I am going out I dose up with pain relief and make sure I can sit down somewhere, then ensure I am chatting to people about THEM. It's amazing how many will sit and natter if they can talk about themselves! I don't talk about me as it's very dull topic. I have lost friends along the way but the true friends have stayed. I've made some new ones too, and a large number on here.

As far as I am concerned my life properly ended aged 37 when this all began (after barely beginning thanks to chronic eczema and asthma). The life I have now is nothing like what I wanted or need, but it's what I have so I have to make the best of it. The meds do a certain amount to ameliorate my auto-immune arthritis, nothing touches the OA but hey-ho, that matters not. I find a savage satisfaction in aquiring more affected joints, I am up to 38 and would really like to get the whole set! I do what I can manage to do and if I can't well, there's always tomorrow. I am extremely fortunate in that I have a very supportive husband, he has been with me all the way inasmuch as this started the year we got married but for you it must be so much harder as you would appear not to be in a relationship at the moment. Good people are out there, people who will care about YOU as YOU, not you with arthritis, but finding them is far from easy.

Keep talking to us because we do understand what it is like, the loneliness and isolation is horrid (I felt that all too keenly as none of my friends have arthritis but then I found here and that made a huge difference) and there is always someone around to listen. Ring the Helpline too, they are very understanding and happy to listen to whatever you have to say, even if it's only tears.

I am sure things will pick up as all things pass, and I wish I could say when, but alas . . . . . . . Stay as strong as you can and if you can't, come to us. I wish you well. DD

niecee

Thanks guys!
I know everything you all have said is true. I've been having a few good days including today. Still annoyed i have this. I do get dressed up do my hair etc. The comfy shoe thing is getting to me im a 3 inch heel girl, strutting her stuff type. Oh well cant do that now. I still try to wear wedges as they less painful but i struggle.

On Sunday i have a BBQ/ drink up to go to im dreading it. Haven't seen those people since using my stick. I've put on loads of weight.

I just don't want to go but need to get over that hurdle.

Peeps you are all great!
Thank you for understanding and letting me go on about me, being able to be honest is a relief

So thank you

Love xxx

stickywicket

niecee wrote:

I just don't want to go but need to get over that hurdle.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. If you make yourself do itit will be so much easier next time and also you'll feel proud of yourself for having achieved something difficult. Go for it, niecee, and then tell us how it went. Good luck.

AndMac

Goodness, that's stopped me moaning inwardly! I mourn the old me too but I have tried to make the remodelled me something to like too.

I have been single for ages (divorced since 1993) and as I work from home, I don't get out and about much - one night out a week at the live music club - but I haven't completely dismissed the idea of another relationship.
Two of my ex bfs are still really good friends, neither now live locally but we chat online and on the phone.

Self - esteem, how to raise it? Well, I love a good pamper, me. Just me, at home, not at a spa or anything. It really lifts the spirits. It tells me that impaired need not mean neglected.

My body may not be perfect, but hey-ho, it never was anyway. I love to use good quality toiletries to keep my skin in top nick and comfy clothes can be stylish too... Think soft tunic tops or flowing trousers with elasticated waists. No more sharp business suits or short skirts but I haven't worn those since the Eighties anyway.

I use the X Catalogue shops a lot to provide me with these (returns outlet for JD Williams chain). Cheap as chips. Also Primarni has the odd good item.

Socially, people are only too happy to ensure that I am ok, I find; chairs are moved out of the way of my wobble, I get to sit if I need to.
When I was faced with a long walk and stand at a work-related meeting to get a meal, a colleague instantly offered. People ARE generally nice in such situations.

freesia

niecee wrote:

Thanks guys!
I know everything you all have said is true. I've been having a few good days including today. Still annoyed i have this. I do get dressed up do my hair etc. The comfy shoe thing is getting to me im a 3 inch heel girl, strutting her stuff type. Oh well cant do that now. I still try to wear wedges as they less painful but i struggle.

On Sunday i have a BBQ/ drink up to go to im dreading it. Haven't seen those people since using my stick. I've put on loads of weight.

I just don't want to go but need to get over that hurdle.

Peeps you are all great!
Thank you for understanding and letting me go on about me, being able to be honest is a relief

So thank you

Love xxx

Hi niecee....

I also was a 3inch + heel girl (looking in my wardrobe at all my lovely shoes and boots makes me quite sad... But I too now try wedges, and can cope with low ones, and they are in fashion at the moment too...!!)

Try and enjoy Sunday - true friends won't even see your walking stick - it's JUST YOU they are interested in seeing...

Take it easy in the morning, don't get too tired during the day, then ENJOY your BBQ - I'm sure you'll have a fabulous time..

Sending Hugs

freesia xx

bubbadog

niecee, You enjoy your BBQ, and you may be surprised by the reaction your friends will give! If there your real friends. Don't worry about the heel thing, I went from wearing high heels to small wedges, but changed my style, from pretty heels to gold colour shoes or blingy style, anything that stands out!! My own mad style. And I get more reaction at my mad shoe style to when I wore heels! So you can totally change your style and get more people saying wow you look great where did you get that, instead of are you sick, what's wrong with you? I totally changed from head to foot, hair colour the lot!! Have a good easter Niecee. xx

lindalegs

Hi Niecee,

I know I'm late adding to this but I just wanted to say my little bit.

You've probably gathered we all know what you're going through and it isn't easy. True friends will make allowances for you and accommodate how you feel.

You are still the same personality, bright and bubbly etc. it's just lying dormant whilst you feel so sad. The hardest part is the acceptance of this because the brain says 'yes' whilst the body say 'no way'!

Remember that you're still lovable you and also that you're a person not a disease - don't let arthur win, you're worth more than that.

It will get better, I promise, I know I've had RA for 26 years. As for your walking stick, vamp it up, make it pretty and be brazen with it's use, don't be ashamed of using it, make people smile.

Have a good bbq tomorrow and please let us know how it goes.

Luv,

racergirl

Hi Niecee,

I know exactly what you mean with the shoes, i've got OA in both ankles after an accident 6 years ago. I used to wear stilettos with high heels but have to wear flats or a very low heel, but there some really nice ones out there. If i'm shopping, I always check out the shoe shops just in case there's something that I like & fits my ankle, which is a lot fatter than it used to be.

I use a walking stick all the time now so i invested in some fancy ones that I could use as an accessory, try Switch Sticks, some are really great.
http://www.switchsticks.com/

Hope you have a good bbq

applerose

Niecee, have a great day tomorrow at your bbq. As the others have said, your friends will want to see you, stick or no stick, extra weight or not. have fun.

Cris, wasn't sure if that message was for me or not as you'd put aprilrose. I am applerose. Sorry if it was for aprilrose (couldn't find her). If it was for me, thank you. Haven't quite got my head round taking one day at a time. Feel as if I'm letting arthur win if I do that but I'm sure I'll get there and things will seem better.

I was used to wearing trainers quite a lot of the time but now, that's about all I can wear. I have got some black Sketchers which are a little bit more 'dressy' than normal trainers but I can't find any shoes I can wear with a dress or skirt which I can actually walk in without being in a lot of pain. So I only tend to wear dresses in summer at home or if I'm going somewhere where I don't need to walk when I get there.

Aprilann

Dear Niecee

I understand exactly how you feel - I have never felt like this before - depressed.

Today I went for a walk with my in-laws - I nearly didn't go because they would see me in my wheelchair - but it did me good to get out. I made sure I did a bit more walking than the usual. I feel a burden to my husband - out of all his brothers he is the one who has a disabled wife.

I have had RA for 32 years with another chronic illness plus others and have had a few traumatic times over the years due to my lungs.

I am really losing my independence now (but praising myself here telling you I have done so well over the years with this awful disease).

Since my husband retired two years ago he has started with OA - and I feel he is comfort eating (because of me) which is not helping his weight gain putting more strain on his joints. He won't admit it but his OA is making him depressed getting tired, withdrawn and constantly watching television instead of talking. He has recently found out he has prostate cancer (low grade) and still puts on a brave face.

I just don't know what will cheer us up. I certainly can't take anymore tablets for depression - I am on enough.

Sorry to grumble but I know everyone on here understands.