Have you ever seen anyone dead before?

lindalegs

Have you ever seen anyone dead? I’m not putting this down to upset anyone but it is a subject that we don’t talk about, so if it does upset you then please don’t read on.

I had a real dilemma recently when a dear friend died and his daughter told me that he was dressed with his medals on if I’d like to go and see him.

I had never seen anyone dead and had shied away from going to see my parents as I just couldn’t have done it and I wanted to remember them as they were.

As my friend was 94 I couldn’t bear the thought of him being all dressed up and no one go to see him so I bit the bullet and went. It made me realise that the body we inhabit isn’t the person we love, it’s the laughter, movement, mannerisms and speech, the rest is an unrecognisable shell. There was a photo of him and his wife in the coffin and there was more resemblance to him in that photo than in his body. I touched his hand and talked to him, both Mr Legs and I cried and we said our goodbyes but I know that wasn’t him in his coffin, he had gone.

I am glad I went , for him not for me, but it’s also left me not knowing if I could go and see anyone else, especially a family member and I thought that by going I’d be able to make a clear cut decision in future but I know I’d still be in a quandary.

Is it just me who feels like this and do you think it’s a good thing to do?

Luv,

barbara12

Hi Linda
I know quite a few people like that, I was 14 when I went along with my mum to see my Grandma...I nearly went to pieces..it just didn't look like her.
But later on in my 30s I lost both my parents, and there was no way I wasn't going to see them in the chapel of rest, and I found it totally different,and I felt a great sense of peace when I came out.
I also went to see my brother a couple of years go,and again I was glad I had gone, now his wife couldn't go, but later on she did say that she wished she had .
Its just an individual thing, and people shouldn't feel guilty at not going, like you say it is just a shell.

lindalegs

The trouble is Barbara, if you don't go when you have the chance you could be like your sister-in-law and regret it if you choose not to. Then again you might go and regret seeing them like that.

My friend did look lovely and so very smart just like he was in life.

I know we all have to make that decision but it's such a difficult one.

Luv,

janie68

Hi Legs

I have seen a few that have passed away, being a nurse and also my Dad. I have to say that each time I have seen one, it hasn't got any easier for me at all. It's a very personal thing I think and now I have retired, I won't choose to see one again. They look very different and you are right, they are not there anymore. I will choose to say goodbye in my own way.

Only you can make the decision, and I would hope that relatives, friends would respect the decision not to see the person if that was what you chose. It didn't help me to come to terms with the passing of my Dad at all. It gave me really bad dreams for months after, it definetly traumatised me, but the others in a professional capacity didn't.

This post is just my opinion on my own feelings, and I hope that like Legs, you are not offended or upset by them.

Janie

lindalegs

Janie your post wouldn't upset me .........I'm not easily offended .........and I can't see anything in it that could upset anyone. Plus I did put the warning at the top.

I'm glad to have your opinion and everyone elses too.

I wonder if I'd like anyone to come and see me ...............not that I'll know :roll:

joanlawson

Hi Linda
It's an interesting post, and as you said, we don't often talk about death, preferring to shut out such things from our minds. But it is a subject which affects us all, and everyone will have to make the decision whether to see someone who has died at some point in their lives.

The first time I saw a dead body was when I was a teenager, and my grandmother died. Naturally, I wasn't very keen to see her in her coffin, but my mother persuaded me. Now I think it was good for me to see her because it allowed me to say a final goodbye to her.

Since then, I have seen several members of my family after their death, including both my parents. It has always struck me that their bodies seemed like empty shells, which is what they are really. But I believe that their souls live on in all of us, so that is a comfort to me.

I think everyone has to decide for themselves whether to see someone who has died, but for me that final goodbye shows respect and love for the person.

freesia

Yes..

Unfortunately....On several occassions....

Many moons ago I was a carer in an old folks home, and unfortunately it went along with the territory, not particularly nice if you were first on the scene... But "in a weird way & in some cases" it was a blessing to see those you had looked after and suffering in pain finally at peace...

Couple of family members...

Glad to have had the chance to say my final goodbyes....

Sad subject - but it is life....
Hoping none of us have to experience it any time soon....

xx

barbara12

Good point Linda...I don't want anyone looking at me when I'm dead....and I don't relish the idea of someone I don't know embalming me.. :shock: silly really I wouldn't know a thing about it..

Poppyg1rl

Hi,
When i was 12 I went to see my Grandma the night before she was buried in the Church, it was a very sad experience but ultimately I was glad to have said my goodbyes.
Two years ago, the little girl I had looked after since babyhood died unexpectedly aged 6.
I was in shock but i was honoured to go with her Mum when she asked me to come with her to see little one in the chapel of rest in the hospital, and We brought her favourite top and shorts to dress her in. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
She didn't look like my little girl, the essence of her wonderful spirit and character had gone.
Two years have gone by, I still visit her grave which is a beautiful peaceful place to sit and pray, I know our loved ones are never 'gone' when their spirit lives on in your heart...

stickywicket

Not until my mother-in-law a few years ago. I didn’t want to for my own parents. You could say I preferred to remember them as I knew them but the truth is I was scared they wouldn’t look like themselves.

I went for my mother-in-law because my husband wanted to go and preferably not alone. I agree with what others have said. She looked like a peaceful shell. Looked like my mother-in-law but she wasn't there.

More recently I was invited to a wake and only realised when I was dragged into the front room ‘to see G’ that he was laid out there. I was glad I’d had the previous experience and it was essentially similar though I’d have preferred not to have to hold his hand and the whole thing got a bit farcical for me.

Would I do it again? Not sure about someone I loved. Anyone else, no problem.

barking1

Unfortunatly i have lost several family members including both parents and was there when they both died, there isnt a right or wrong thing to do and every one is different, i didnt ever feel the same when seeing them, and i think it also depends how they die as to weather you want to remember how they were or go and say goodbye,i looked after my parents and mum wanted to die at home, she had a terminal illness so looking after and caring for her for the last time seemed only right xx

dreamdaisy

I went to see my Pa and even to this day I wish I had not. He was wrapped in some horrendous, yellow and orange paisley-patterned shroud, just like a mummy, and his left eye was not properly closed. I did my grieving long before he went and I am so pleased that I did because what I saw was not Pa. As for Mr DD I won't need to see him as I know what he looks like ( I now know enough to prefer him with life and spirit) and he will be coming home with me (post cremation) in one of the glorified sweetie jars that the local council deems accpetable receptacles. I will sort that as and when. DD

ruby2

Yes
I can pick out some of how I felt from all of the above posts.

Seeing someone professionally (depending how you got to know them) who is not close family is saddening yet still stirs feelings of our own mortality and those we love.

When my dad died although he had been poorly I had been with him several times that day and he had a brilliant,sunshiny day and enjoyed the grand national.
I sent my husband to see him in the chapel of rest first and he advised me not to go... I still don't regret it because my last memory of him was lovely and I really don't think he would have wanted me to see him.

My mum struggled and fought her illness for weeks and I was with her as she died. Because of the struggle I felt I wanted to see her at peace..but I was shocked and really wish I hadn't & won't rush to see a loved one again.

So I think lots of things need considering.
Your own personality.
The relationship with the person and circumstances of the death.
The deceased persons wishes for you and themselves.

The fact that mum was in a coffin upset me and was a thought I couldn't get beyond for quite a while.

Poppy you story really touched me.

ichabod6

I loved my mum and dad for as long as I knew them and when
they died I had to see that the body in which they had lived their
lives was at peace'
I have loved my wife and the body she lives in since the day I
met her and have loved my three children and six grand children
and their bodies every day of their lives.
God forbid that any of them should predecease me, but if they
do I will see their body at peace.
Hopefully this wont happen. I am the oldest member of this
particular clan and should go first. If I do some of them may
want to see me at peace.

skezier

Hi Legs,

There is northing wrong with not going to see people though I had no choice as a child and as an adult saw so many people dead at work that seeing them in a house of rest or a back kitchen or front room was ok if you see what I man?

The people I was closest to I did see though I had the lid put on almost imedietly with my first partner but he wouldn't have wanted anything different and only saw him dead in hospital.

The ones I wasn't so close to I usually see and I had to identify my mother but had no wish to see my father so you do what's right for you at the time I guess.

The body its self is not tightening its just so obviously empty if that makes sense?

At work only the first body was worrying.... did used to get upset abut some of the ways they had died mind but that's cus I am human and a bit of a soft touch.

You can only do what is right for you at the time Legs. ((((( ))))) Cris xx

valval

i was with my neighbour when her oh passed in the hospital and as others have said it was like looking at a shell not the person i knew i am lucky to still have my parents even though they are showing sings of age now and i dred there passing will i go see them i do not know. my gran passed 200 miles away when i was in my early 20s and she visited me (scared the out of me) to let me know she was ok now so when mum phoned an hour later i already knew and had cried my tears (did not see her just felt her with me and that she was at rest) but did not go to see her and would not have attended funeral except mum pressured me into it as i had not eaten for a week felt so ill at time and still feel i should not have gone but that would have been fround on and people would have thought i did not care when truth be told it was the opposite i cared to much to cope with the grief of others at that time val (sorry seem to have waffled on some what)

coco67

Yes on many occasions, the body is just the wrapper for the soul/person within, that soul never leaves you as long as you hold there memory dear.

its not the body that makes us who we are but what is inside, our soul/personality and manerisams are what makes us who we are and how we impact on others in our lives.

tkachev

No.

However if I'd been at the hospital when my sisters New born Son was born and died I would've wanted to hold him and probably not let go.

Elizabeth xx

bubbadog

My OH & I found our Dad dead in his house, all I want to say is that your right legs he didn't look like him, his soul had passed over and all that was left was the vessel that had carried it. I wanted to pass that on to everyone else who is suffering a loss, I will always remembers Dad's great Soul he was special and we both miss him dearly. But thank you for bringing it up because it's such a taboo subject yet it shouldn't be.

waddle

death is one of the very few things we have that are garanteed in life, why is it concidered such a taboo subject. Believe me my soul will not be hanging around this body any longer than it has to after im gone, it will be flying free watching over those who cared about me.

julie47

Hi Linda , Yes , I saw my great grandma when I was 16. She was in an open coffin at my nanas house, (don't quite know why even to this day) and I remember putting a photo of me and my brother inside and a rose. I also remember my first impression was that she was very sort of waxy and i could see her teeth slightly. It was kind of scary and at 16 I don't really know why I opted to see her.

I have seen my grandma too about 10 years ago, being a lot older and more prepared I was able to kiss her forehead and say good bye but can't say I liked it.

But, I didn't go see my nana or grandad or OH's dad.

As for seeing mum & dad when anything happens to them, well I will make that decision at the time.

This was an interesting thread legs thank you.

Love Juliepf x

aicha

Hi

I feel drawn to post here, especially today. Mum died on Good Friday when I was just a teenager. After months of fighting a battle she couldn't win with courage, humour and always with concern for the feelings of those around her I did go to see her one last time. It is always a personal discussion and although it was not the mum I remembered and only the shell others have mentioned here, it did help me to see her finally at peace.
It felt natural to see Dad too when he finally joined her, though I know it is not for everyone. The only thing I was not prepared for in both cases was the coldness of that last touch of their hands!
I still miss them both so thanks for letting me say that today. God bless
aicha x

lindalegs

Thank you so much for sharing all your experiences, many are sad, all are poignant and it means a lot to hear your views.

I know if Mr Legs goes first I would like to go and see him just to spend every last possible moment with the man I love .......................but now he's taken me to see our friend he feels he doesn't want me to see him like that :shock: It's obviously something we're going to talk about.

(Thinking of you Aicha, especially today.)

Luv,

oneday

A few years ago an aunt died and someone asked did i want to look at her in the coffin so i did. I wont do it again. I thought she would look asleep but she didnt, it was not her anymore. I cant really understand now why anyone does what to look because its like other posters have said just a shell. I suppose the fact i saw her wont make me feel i should with anyone else or that i missed saying bye as they were gone already.

mp1952

I was with my Mum when she died and was so pleased to have been there.. But like everyone has said, within a few minutes she was a shell. I wouldnt have liked to have seen her again several days later in the chapel of rest though.

I've been touched by this thread. Elizabeth - I can understand why you would not hAve wanted to let the baby go...

M

jilly

My son died 10 years ago , i was at the roadside when he died and knew he had gone , he was 27 . I spent the 3 days he was in the chapel of rest sitting with him , even though i did see he was no longer there and only a empty body was left it helped me let go and understand he was no longer with me .

I was with my mum up until she died and again after she died i brushed her hair and tidied her up before the undertaker took her to the morge (she would have wanted that). I said my goodbyes to the both of them and feel they are with me now and some day we will be together again (I hope) . As lots of other posts say our bodies are only what carry us around our loved ones leave us the lovely memories of what they really where.
I have seen my grandma and grandad , my auntie as well and feel it was my way of saying goodbye and it gave me closier. ............jillyx