Family Dilemma - can you help?

creakybones

Hello - I'll try and be brief! My sister is 15 years younger than me and has always lived the high life as she had no comitments - so her life was holidays, nice clothes, make up etc. My life has been very different - chronic illness all my adult life has resulted in me being the sensible boring one so i could never really understand her preference for endless holidays when her house was falling to bits! But we are all different and we were both happy in our own lives. Then things changed - she had children. Her partner lives away though and so she relies heavily on us her family. I love the children as my own - they are a real bright star in my life. I see them everyday and have made changes to my life to help her with childcare etc. I drop everything to help her and quite frequently end up cleaning putting rubbish out you name it as she 'forgets' or just doesnt seem to see what needs to be done. I have to stress she never asks me and I like cleaning - but if i dont do it it just builds up and gets worse. Her partner comes down some weekends but quite often the children leave me in floods of tears as they dont want to go with him - I cant cope with this. He is cold to me and indifferent to them. It is breaking my heart to the point I now dread weekends. I cant talk to my sister and i think this situation has showed me we are not close at all. I was probably too quick to change my whole life to help her and just know I am going to get repeatedly hurt by this situation. She has booked 3 holidays for this year which means she will have no money for essentials like the house repairs etc so that will fall on me and our mother. Our mother is in her 70's - she is totally obsessed with the children and worries about my sister - when i phone her for example she will say 'oh its you' but if she is ill or if there is a problem its me who has to sort everything out. I am everyone's fixer but when I need something no one has time. In recent months I have develped these joint problems - looks like inflammatory arthritis - my mother says - she has arthritis too and I should stop moaning. I feel like doing a shirly valentine! My husband has given up - tells me to speak up or shut up. Not that easy though when I love my sister and dont mind helping her but I never ever get any recognition or thanks. Sorry - big rant - anyone else been in this situation?

dreamdaisy

No, I haven't as I am an only but it seems to me that your sister is completely and utterly taking you for granted. She hasn't had to 'grow up' and be responsible as you (and mum) are more than willing to step in and do the dull, boring, necessary stuff so she can carry on frivolling. She is probably blissfully unaware that you are feeling like this, and if you told her I suspect she will leap onto her high horse, accuse you of failing her, tell you you are selfish, unthinking and uncaring but so what? Your health is failing, you are not able to carry on with this situation, you must start thinking about you and YOUR needs. There again she might not - who knows? It's also about time that her partner started behaving like one, it is he that should be providing the money for house repairs etc so that his offspring can live in some degree of comfort.

I think you need to make a stand which I appreciate is never an easy thing to do. I think you are being used as a doormat and that is not on. Poor you, this is not an easy situation to sort, is it? DD

stickywicket

This is a sad story, creakybones.

You say that you and your sister were both happy with your lives until she had children. It sounds as if your sister is still happy but you are not. You also say you are ‘everyone’s fixer’. Some things can’t be fixed, however, and certainly not by you, or your mother, taking over your sister’s responsibilities. If she has no money for house repairs then she is an adult and must deal with that. She has no incentive to deal with it as long as others are prepared to pick up the bills and the pieces.

Believe me, I do understand your situation and I do feel for you. Tough love is extremely tough on all concerned and it is much easier to do things oneself than to get someone else to do what they should be doing. Whether you like or loathe doing things for her is beside the point. She needs to grow up and you need to let her.

The children are a complicating factor. Of course you don’t want them to be hurt. However, they are almost certainly being hurt now. Children pick up on far more than we give them credit for. They will be aware of the tensions in relationships and this situation can’t be good for them.

It seems to me you can either carry on until you are no longer physically able, allowing the situation to harden and worsen, or you can bite the bullet and talk to your sister and her partner about the situation, kindly, reasonably and without the little ones present. You say you can’t talk to her. Why is that? I think it might help if you were to work out exactly why that seems so impossible.

Talking to her is what your husband is advocating. Would he help? You don’t have to accuse her of anything: you can simply say that you are unable, physically, to keep up the level of care that you’ve given all this time and try to work out some changes together. Could you try this?

julie47

oh dear creakybones

I am sorry to read this
I know this is hard but I really do think that you should sit with your sister and tell her how you feel,and hopefully she will try to understand.

I wish you well with this one
sending you a hug (((())))
Love Julie PF X

RosieGlow

You are being totally used, not just for cleaning and childcare, but in the dynamics of this family.What are you getting out of it? Indifference from your sister, tears from the children, and nastiness from the husband.

I would get your sister on her own, and tell her that your Consultant/GP has told you that you must totally cut down your work load, or you will suffer drastically. That she needs to take up the reins where HER family is concerned. White lie maybe, but necessary......Rosie.x

frogmorton

Gosh :shock:

What a mess

Poor poor you. I can't help with all of it, but can I suggest there are two points in favour of maintaining the status quo.....

1. you love those kids and falling out with your sister might loose you contact with them.

2. I was the daughter who looked after my Mum too, every family has one and it's you. It was me. At least now that I have lost both of my parents I know I have no guilt.


However thinsg have changed a bit (arthritis)and no-one is recognising how things are for you.

1. you are physically struggling

2. Sis taking serious advantage

3. Hubby copping out???? (is he frustrated?)

4. Mum minimising your health issues

You know what I would do?

and I am amazed to hear myself say this.....get some assertiveness training if you can you deserve better and can acheive it, but only if you have help in 'saying things' in the right way. You ahve a fair bit to loose if the wheel comes off.

I am really sorry for the long rant, but I am so upset for you Hope I have not been too bossy

Love

Toni xxx

valval

hi you are not going to like this but until you stop treating her like a princes she will never get real first if she spends her money on holidays that her problem not yours if you pay then you are going without and that a no no why should you. the state of her house is her problem if you do it for her then she will never do it you have your own life no wonder your husband is a little fed up she is not your child you are not responsible for her so tell her adult to adult you love looking after the children but the rest must stop she should be helping you and if you let your mum treat you like that mine would never do that to any of us you should treat all children the same and she knows you will help her out well she is your mum and you only get one but even so she is being unfare to you if you let her get away with it she will tell her you love her but you are ill and it is not just a few pains and you would like her understand val

creakybones

Thank you all for your replies - they are very honest and I appreicate that. It is a difficult situation and I do not want to compromise my relationship with her or the children who have become a big part of my life. I think I am partly to blame as I have very low self esteem and a terrible worrier so I probably get involved when I dont need to ( in case this happens or that happens) and then when I get no appreciation I feel put upon. There is fault on both sides - I will try and talk to her - I have tried before but it sounds a bit petty. Her partner has even said - well no one asks you to clean blah blah - what I should have said is - no that is true but it would just get worse and worse and then she would ask for help by which time it would be ten times worse! They dont seem that interested in my ill health as they have never been ill and cant cope if they get a cold!
I am not in a good place atm - worrying about this diagnosis - this joint problem has come after 25 years of ill health and over 30 ops for an unrelated problem so this has come out of the blue. I am also worrying about my marriage, my mother and my job so its not a good time which is probably why I cant deal with this atm. I need for someone to value me and I dont feel valued by anyone. Sorry that is self pitying - I will get strong again and sort this out. People have to sort out far worse things.
Thanks again for your input - its told me what i needed to hear.
Xxx

stickywicket

Oh creakybones, that is so, so sad that you don't feel valued by anyone. We all need to be valued. You also need to value yourself. I think this is something of a vicious circle and I honestly don't know which comes first but it really needs addressing or your health will suffer even more. What about your husband? Do you feel valued by him?

i disagree about what you should have said when your sister's partner said no-one asked you to clean. I think I'd have said "OK. I won't bother." After all, why should the build-up of dirt be your problem? It's theirs.

I think it would be a good idea for you to ring the AC Helplines because I think they could help you to sort out your worries and give you some time to talk about your own health problems with people who do care.

This is not self pitying. It is simply telling things as they are. No doubt there are people out there with worse problems - there always are - but that is not, by any means, to say that yours are unworthy of attention. Please believe in yourself enough to talk to others about your many problems. (())

valval

you do not sound self pitying you sound very depresed and in need of a good (((hug))) if you can not talk about it write it down and give them a letter the good thing about this is it lets you write go away then come back and read what you have wrote to see if it comes accross as you want it to as for the cleaning well it hers try to leave it to her you could be making her worse because she might feel you are looking down on her efforts we all have different standards just explaine if she leaves it to get bad she will have to sort it as you have to many pains to cope with it good luck val

creakybones

Thank you Stickywicket and Valval for your latest replies.
Yes Valval I do need a good hug or maybe a kick up the botxxm! I am being treated for depression but its clearly not working very well. The thing is in the past 4 years my life there have been many changes in my life including menopause, mother getting older and cranky ( sorry but true) husband retiring from regular job to self employment ( plus and negative points) an of course my sister having these lovely kiddies to name but a few. I have had health problems all my adult life -not arthritis - and looked forward to this time of my life when some of the gynae problems would end. But they havent and 2 years ago I was incorrectly diagnosed with ovarian cancer - long story -but its all been stress and more stress and now these joint pains. I just do not seem able to cope any more. They do not know what type of arthritis I have and that in itself is stressful as because i feel so down i think no one believes the pain I am in. I just feel the foundations of my life are rocky - marriage/job/family - all the things that have kept me going are starting to fall apart and its all my fault as I have become so negative and anxious about everything. This is probably why I react to badly to my sister - yes she does take advantage but I know she cares in her own way - ive always been a 'neat freak' so to her its normal for me to be doing stuff. Its my own mind that is the problem I think.
Stickywicket - you asked if my husband values me. Well yes in his own way - I know he is very worried atm as he hates seeing me like this but I think he is fed up. We dont go on holiday much and dont have much of a personal relationship ( sorry tmi to explain why!) so I can understand why he is fed up. He so wants me to be the 'girl he married' - that was 32 years ago - I feel if i painted a smile on he would be happy even tho he knows how sad I am inside.
Look sorry guys this is turning into a counselling session. Thanks for listening - have a good weekend and sorry for moaning rant!
Xxx

dreamdaisy

You may not be the quite the same as the girl he married (after a good few years who is?) but I bet my bottom dollar he ain't the same boy. From what you have said I think you are trying to 'earn' the appreciation you feel is lacking but in the process have just opened yourself up to being used.

Self-esteem is lost at the speed of light and returns at the speed of a giant tortoise but its slow return begins once you begin to praise yourself - and girlfriend you need to start doing that. You have been dealing with a difficult health issue and you did, now you have the curve ball of arthritis but you can also deal with that - and we can help. Thinking about your needs and wants is NOT selfish, it is necessary. Let other people look after themselves and you start taking care of you. Maybe it's time to focus more on your relationship rather than your sister's - I am sure your husband does appreciate you, and cares for you, but men are often not that good at telling their wives that fact. They know it so assume we do too - wives are many things but often mind-reading is not a speciality.

Look after you, pamper yourself, smile at yourself in every mirror you pass. You do matter, deep down inside you know you do, you just need a reminder every now and again. DD

valval

i missed mind reading classes at school might have been wagging it that day so every now and then i get in a mood because i get the feeling they all taking the micheal (live with three men) but it does remind them i need asurance from time to time and gets rid of my frustrations. we had a topic about relationships a while back and how hard it is to feel in the mood when all you want is to sleep and every move hurts can not remember what it was called now. but it is quite normal i would rather have a hug and bar of chocolate these days lol

stickywicket

You have had a great deal to cope with and it seems to me that your family should be supporting you, in your own ill-health, more than they appear to be though it's possible that you have drifted into the role of 'fixer' and they now see you as being content with that.

This will never become a 'counselling session' because none of us (I think) have any training in that. We're just concerned fellow arthritics who understand that the pain of arthritis is bad enough in itself without your having other physical or emotional pains heaped on top of it. The fact that you have no confirmed diagnosis of what type of arthritis you have is, I know, distressing as many others on these forums would agree. I guess it seems not as real. But it is real. The name is irrelevant. The pain is the same.

You sound really swamped by all this. Could you start to change things by starting with your relationship with your husband? Those of us who have had arthritis for a long time are very much aware that husbands/partners suffer from this disease too but in a different way. We have to be careful to tread the line between overburdening them with our pain and shutting them out. If we err on either side of that line they can start to retreat and that helps no-one.

Can you set aside some quality time for just you and your husband? Maybe once a week. Maybe more often if you can. Time when you can each tell the other (without being interrupted or criticised) how you really feel - your difficulties and worries - and, crucially, both be prepared to change things (Just one thing at a time will do) in order to assuage the other's problems. For Mr & SW & I this will usually involve a bottle of wine, and sitting outside somewhere nice helps if possible. It won't be easy but, two of you facing the other stuff together will be easier than you facing it all on your own.

earthspirit

i will keep this short and sweet ( i will try i dont so short posts)

anyhow....

do you have MUG stamped on your head?
i know a similar situation with another family and that lady has given up a perfectly good well paid job to do what you are doing.

maybe your sister like the delapidated look but you should suggest she gets a paid cleaner to help with the stuff that you have been doing as now you cant do them with your aches and pains.

if you do have same condition as your mum then make her sit down and tell you ways to help yourself and if it isnt the same condition then tell her so.

i think the situation with the kids dad is something you cant do much about, but i am sure as a part time dad he is perhaps awkard with his kids as he doesnt really know them. perhaps you could think of better ways for them to bond???

seriously though stop doing all this stuff cos you are a MUG and should find something that stops you doing it, like a hobby or interest that takes you away from it, a least for some of the time

good luck

diamond

S orry to read your post you seem so down and i'm not surprised.You seem to put everyone's needs before your health.Be more kind to yourself ,i think perhaps your sister has left you to cope with too much as she knows you will be there for her.Try to cut back and give yourself and hubby more time to chill out.xxx

earthspirit

i am really sorry if i have offended anyone by using the word MUG.
as i re--read other replies, i feel they are saying same thing but perhaps using kinder words.

i feel dreadfully sorry for you in this situation where your kindess is being totally abused and the more you do to help, the more "taking" your sister does.

i really wish you well in dealing with this situation where your health is also suffering, mentally as well as physically.

you need to take a little bit of yourself and give to yourself rather than others, although this may be difficult for such a kind hearted person as you obviously are.

family situations are those closest to our hearts and when children involved it pulls on the heart strings even more.

take some energy from the people who are replying to you. you dont need to make drastic changes but you can perhaps speak up about your own condition a bit more.

you are obviously feeling used and its just not fair sometimes especially when you dont feel well at all.

i really really did not intend to upset you but the reality is that sometimes people keep getting battered emotionally and it takes a truthful direct response for something to change.

mental abuse is often ignored in life but its bullying and is hurtful every bit as much as physical abuse.

im sure you have a little bit of strength inside yourself to compose a response to your sister and how she treats you - without causing a family split or making the chaos worse. she maybe really truly does not realise the hurt she is causing and if there is nobody else to be on your side i hope some of our replies will help you there.

kind regards
jx

creakybones

Thank you all again for your replies.
Earthspirit - you hve not upset me. I know it probably does appear that I am a MUG but I dont think I am - problem is as is probably normal with lots of these posts - I have only given a snap shot view. I suppose if you knew me you would just say im too nice for my own good. I probably am in some ways but only becasue of the kiddies. I went ill 6 months after my daughter was born and spent many years thinking I would not see her grow up - I lost me second child. So with these 2 little ones in our family I almost had a second chance and suppose gave up too much of my life to help - with little in the way of thanks or at least thats how I see it. Now I have gone ill again and so the anxieties of the past have come back - anxious that I wont be there for them so I over compensate.
I have read all your posts and realise I need to make my own life happier as at the moment my main source of happines comes from the children. I have started by booking a short break for hubby and me and I am resisting the temptation to go and clean so that everything is nice when she gets home - her job is demanding so its not as if she is sitting around all day - if she were then yes I would be a MUG.
Thanks again everyone Xxx

elnafinn

Aw CB, I did think the word mug was a little harsh. I have not replied until now. What you need is lots of TLC and you have to try to begin to love yourself. It is so good to hear that you have booked a break away for you and your hubby. I feel that is what you need - a little time away from everything. Of course you love your grandchildren. You can send them some postcards which I am sure they will love to receive. I have one grandchild and she is such a tonic and I love her so much. She is so precious. I know how much pleasure one can bring, let alone two.

Good for you for thinking about trying to resist doing your daughter's housework. She may not notice that you have not done it and if she does notice then you will know that it is appreciated when you do it. Some people like to live in a muddle, some like the home to be clean when done by someone else but are ok with it, if it is not done. I can see myself in you a little with doing the housework but over the past few years I have become a bit less so and as long as it is tidy, that makes such a difference.

You have done really well to have booked a mini holiday and you are going to try not to pick up that duster or vacuum cleaner. You should feel proud of yourself. Two big steps in the right direction. You will be ok.

Gentle hugs to you
Elna x

tkachev

There is a big age gap between you and your sister. I expect she has always looked up to you and perhaps feels a little bit helpless and lost on where to start with the housework if it has always been done by others. Housewife doesn't come naturally to some! You have probably always been the one who gets things done and she finds it easier to leave it you.

The children adore you and I think that is a lovely reward for all your efforts. But as they are the only ones who show their appreciation focus on them.
Please don't run yourself into the ground anymore. It is time to step back a little and let your Sister take responsibility. She might not like it and expect she will panic but it is her life. In the end she needs to stand on her own two feet,
Take care
Elizabeth x

elnafinn

Hello again CB,

:oops: I appear to have skipped a generation when chatting with you. I do apologise but in the end they are all lovely children.

I was vacuuming when I realised, I had got it all wrong. It shows you were in my thoughts, were your ears burning?

You look after yourself.

Elna x

earthspirit

hi CB i am glad i didnt upset you but i am most glad that you have booked a holiday. as well as being ill you are also like a carer and they need time out too.

im happy that you get so much pleasure from the children given the circumstances in your life. my own son almost died in the night at 3 weeks old so i understand how anyone feels about a child they might have almost lost.

by taking time for yourself i am sure it will make you feel more confident and may find it easier to say things to family that obviously need said in some form or another. you dont need to fall out with people to have a productive discussion where a little change is needed.

of course i didnt mean MUG in a nasty way at all - i was actually feeling incredibly sorry for you - obviously a lovely caring person just being walked all over or at the least totally taken for granted.

hope it all works out well xx

creakybones

Dont worry Elna - it is confusing as I look like her mother and could very easily be the kiddies grandmother - infact every one assumes I am !
Elizabeth - you are right when you say she has always looked up to me - ive always been the dependable one - the sorter outer - i think cos I went ill early in my adult life - my family became my life so I have always been a good homemaker - i actually enjoy it. It doesnt come naturally to her - lol - but we are all different and I definately wish I was a bit more like her in some ways - I definately need to lighten up!
Earthspirit - I am very emotional towards children and now im menopausal my emotions are all over the place. I need to find some balance and equilibrium in my own life and then maybe I wont look to others to give me the reassurance I seem to need. I have talked to my husband a lot since this thread started - its been quite helpful actually - he was amazed I participated in these discussion forums!
So once again thank you all and I wish everyone a good week Xxx

elnafinn

Hi CB

Please do keep in touch and let us know how you go on. It is good to talk and it is good to know that it has been helpful to you in quite a few ways, starting this thread. I am on four forums, not sure my hubby quite understands either. My family and my wider family on both sides mean so much to me too. As you say we are all different, I have to bite my tongue every so often :roll: but I think as long as the family are all fairly happy what does it matter if things are not always as ship-shape as we would like them to be.

Elna x

tkachev

tkachev wrote:

There is a big age gap between you and your sister. I expect she has always looked up to you and perhaps feels a little bit helpless and lost on where to start with the housework if it has always been done by others. Housewife doesn't come naturally to some! You have probably always been the one who gets things done and she finds it easier to leave it you.

The children adore you and I think that is a lovely reward for all your efforts. But as they are the only ones who show their appreciation focus on them.
Please don't run yourself into the ground anymore. It is time to step back a little and let your Sister take responsibility. She might not like it and expect she will panic but it is her life. In the end she needs to stand on her own two feet,
Take care
Elizabeth x

That should read housework not housewife!

E x

earthspirit

creakybones i think that already you sound more cheerful & confident and you have also opened up communication with the very best person to help you, in your husband.

people arent mindreaders and much as we think we have intuitive bonds with those close to us, speak about things that trouble us etc, the other person often isnt totally focussing on what you are saying as their minds could be drifting onto another topic.

ive been on computers and forums since 1998 cos we got one for the kids, cheap as could be and it was a buy one get one free so we really scored.

discussions and other people opinions on forums can really be of benefit in sorting things out. most people are more free talking behind the anonimity of the keyboard and apart from the silly flaming that sometimes happens, its the true power and benefit to society of having the internet.

think of how many things could not be discussed with anyone preinternet and we go back to dark days. i run my business online and although i aint got a clue about all the techy stuff, i have learnt so much and expanded friendships worldwide, heard so many fascinating conversations etc etc all cos i had 2 kids and i wanted them to learn as much as they could about life, all the things i did not know to be able to tell them.

i always say now that all kids should be able to use home computers and i think its also good bonding to tell your kids about the dangers possible online. lots of us grew up in the days when mums didnt talk about periods to their kids, we are the generations who have to guide the kids in the evil ways of the world. concealing it from them is to deny them the knowledge to protect themselves

anyhow cb i really truly hope you get things worked out. im sure your family are all really lovely people, but it needs you a the wise one to get it all out in the open and resolved. you do seem like an exceptionally good organiser so i kniow you have that ability there. some people are just naturally not good homemakers.

hope you feel better x