Family Dilemma - can you help?

tkachev

I also want to say that just being there as a listening ear and a safe haven for the children will be enough. You don't have to feel you need to give anything but your time. As for your Mother and Sister it is about time they gave something back but is unlikely to happen. If they have always taken from you then they are not going to change overnight if at all. It is their loss and they might not realise it now but eventually they will.

Elizabeth

creakybones

Thanks again for your helpful input. I dont want to drag this thread out forever - you have all been great and are probably bit bored with this now but maybe I need to explain a bit more why I am so anxious and keen to please everyone. I mentioned other health problems - well I have chrons disease and gynae probs. I need a complete hysterectomy plus removal of my rectum ( I already have a bag). Reason is my rectum is at increased risk of cancer and whilst removing that they would do hysterectomy as I have problems there too. This is a big op - my last consultant used to repeatedly tell me NOT to have it done as I have already had 30 ops and have loads of adhesions. So my choice is do I have this op which could make me worse off for something that will never happen. This all came to a head the year the children were born so it was an impossible situation - they needed me, my family needed me to be well - how could I jeopardise that by electing to have this huge surgery. Anyway this has gone on for 3 years and I have put it off repeatedly. My love for the children has grown and now I live in fear of havng the surgery and something going wrong and me not seeing them grow up. So its back to when my daughter was born - the fear I would not be there for her. So you can see I am not in a good place and now that I have developed arthritis the need for surgery has increased as it may be linked to the disease in my bowel. My family dont seem to want to face up to this as they know we are a team and we all help out - without me being there it will put more pressure on my failing mother and my daughter who also has a demanding career. Its a vicious circle. I know I need to put myself first but its hard as I dont know I will devlop cancer so it is elective surgery but its a very hard decision which is why I am talking to youlovely people who seem to understand.
Please dont feel you have to continue with this thread - i just wanted you to know why i am as i am - self esteem and confidence are zero - helping my sister makes me feel worthwhile i suppose.
Im going into hospital today for bowel investiagtion which is prob why im so down but thank you all Xxx

diamond

Good Luck with your hospital appt let us know how things go.I'm glad to see that you and hubby are going to go away for a break enjoy yourselves,you certainly deserve a much needed rest.xxx

janetb

Dearest creakybones,

you certainly are having a really bad time of things, not sure but do you live with your sister/mum? I guess only you can change your situation,but
understand how difficult that can be I too have an ageing mother who is becoming more demanding and tries to play me and my sisters off against each other, and like you they all look to me for her care and comforts.
Perhaps if you and your sister had a talk,just the 2 of you,away from all the others and the house,over a coffee/glass of wine you could try to explain how you are feeling physically,always better to start with the physical,and tell her that nothing has changed in the way you care for her and the kids but sadly your just not up to it all anymore and could really do with some support and help from her.Ask yourself what it is you realy want/need from your family when you can answer that you will be better equipped to tell others .
Glad you can offload here take care
Janetb

elnafinn

Dear CB

I cannot advise on whether you should have the op or not, only you can decide that.

If you wish to keep in touch with us here, we are more than happy to listen and try to support and help you through this.

Sometimes it does help to write things down even if there is no easy solution. Also it can be reassuring to know that you can post here and others will reply to you so you do not feel so alone with it all, although we are not able to fix it for you. You have been through one hell of trauma, what with one thing and another. You do have a lot on your plate and I can understand your fears.

I wish I could give you a real hug but as I cannot, please accept a cyber one.

Elna x

stickywicket

I’m so sorry I missed your post yesterday and I hope the investigation went well.

You certainly do have a dilemma, don’t you? I find myself wondering why your new surgeon disagrees with the old one. What’s the new surgeon’s take on this? It might just be a difference of opinion but my many years of arthritis have taught me how quickly things change in the medical world and it might be that adhesions are no longer regarded as being quite so problematic. I’m also wondering in what way your former surgeon thought you could end up ‘worse off’. What did he envisage as potentially going wrong? If you don’t have the op will you be regularly monitored for rectal cancer so that it could be nipped in the bud?

I don’t envy you, creakybones. You have a great deal on your plate. The one piece of advice I would give is that you must do what is in your own best interests, partly because, at the end of the day, that will be what’s in your family’s best interests too. Whatever your decision they will cope because people do. None of us is indispensible. (())

creakybones

Hello all,
Janet - No I dont live with my sister/mother but we all lve relatively close to each other. Its funny how reading back over this long thread has made me realise I dont mind helping out - its the fact they all seem to take me for granted and have no regards for my needs. Eg - yesterday my mother phoned thinking I had been to the hospital ( she got the time wrong). So she says - oh your home - to which I reply well i havent been yet - to whichs she says - well ive broken my tooth and need to go dentist. That is typical - as she knew I had just come back from hospital having had a general anaesthetic and very uncomfortable procedure - she never ever asks - How are you. I find that hurtful.
Elna - yes you are right - wrtiting it all down does help - as long as you can put up with me - thanks for the cyber hug Xx
SW - yes it is a dilemma. I'll try and explain the difference of opinion - I had 5 large abdominal ops in quick succession over 20 years ago resulting
in bad adhesions - at one point I wsa fed by central line for 3 months as my gut had packed in ( it recovered). So surgeon 1 stated I should never have big surgery again unless my life was at risk - there followed 20 years of less invasive procedures to keep an eye on things. Surgeon 2 however feels things may have settled down, he is an expert in the field (as opposed to general surgeon) and in his experience he thinks I will be better off getting rid now whilst I am relatvely young. If I decide now to have the op then yes I will have regular monitoring but the worry is as they havent looked in my pelvis for many years, if something nasty did show up they may not be able to get it out because of all the adhesions so they would rather not wait for that situation.
So yes I am in hell over this. Without the benefit of a crystal ball no one knows what the out come of this op will be. The worse case scenario is I could end up with another bag ( bladder) and have a life time of problems in relation to bowel obstruction plus it will severely affect any physical relationship. My huband and I cant talk about it anymore - I asked him just yesterday 'So if you were told you need to have your bottom removed and sewn up, and your testicles cut off for something that MAY never happen - what would you do?' Its not an easy decision.
Diamond - the procedure yesterday went ok thanks - im quite sore and feel really down - i think it was the general anaesthetic - it has that affect sometimes. Thanks for asking Xxx

stickywicket

‘they all seem to take me for granted and have no regards for my needs.’ I’m sorry, creakybones, but there’s only one person who can change this and it has to be you. You don’t have to be nasty: you just have to be firm. I suspect that, first of all, you have to convince yourself that your own needs are important.

As a mother myself, I find the situation with your mother and the dentist yesterday just incomprehensible. She thought that you’d had a general anaesthetic and an uncomfortable procedure but, rather than being concerned for your welfare, she wanted you to take her to the dentist? :shock: Words fail me. This is just totally unacceptable. You’re worth more than that, creakybones.

As for the surgery – well, if the first surgeon was only a general surgeon and that was all 20 years ago, whereas the new one is a specialist, I’d be tempted to go with what he says but it does seem to be an enormous decision. Could they scan first for adhesions? (I don’t know much about that sort of thing.) Whatever you decided – and deciding to do nothing is every bit as much a decision as deciding to go for the op – stick with it and don’t look back.

Anyway, what was your husband’s answer yesterday? And when are you two going off for a day or two? (Not that we want rid of you. I'd just like you to have some decent time to yourselves then come back and tell us all about it.)

elnafinn

Aw, CB

I can definitely "put up with you", your words, not mine! Do keep calling in and posting, it is good to share. I am not making excuses for your mum but she may well be in denial about all your health issues. My mum is nearly 89 and no longer really asks me about my health anymore although she does not "use me". She does not speak about her own health issues much either, only matter of factly.

Others are quick to moan rather to praise - have you found that? I am sure you are appreciated and the only way to find out for sure is to stop for a short while or begin to do less and see if anything is said.

I had to make a decision about a spinal op, I hasten to add, nothing compared with the decision you are having to make now and all the other health decisions you have had to make. I was told if I have the op, my symptoms could improve, stay the same but the op would stop further damage. I agreed and then was told all that may go wrong which was indeed tremendously scary but I did go ahead and came out of it ok but my mobility is not that much better. I am under observation. So I do understand a little about making health decisions but you have had to make many in your life, and I am sorry.

Gentle hugs
Elna x

ps dear CB, without a crystal ball no one knows what the outcome of an operation will be. Once one has made a decision, difficult as that is, we have to trust the surgeon and trust that all will be well. (((hugs)))

tkachev

Dear CB,

I like Elna's suggestion to 'begin to do less and see if anything is said'. Your Sister and Mother are used to talking to you in an uncaring manner and 'taking you for granted'. They are in a habit I'm afraid and very unlikely to change after all these years I understand you do not want to leave the children living in a mess but please don't put yourself under too much pressure as it is clear you are very unwell whereas your Sister is fit and healthy and should be able to manage these tasks herself.

As I said before focus on the people who care about you that way you will feel more appreciated.

As for your op I do understand your fears. I have 2 autistic children, a daughter who had bowel problems and needed constant comforting and care (she is thankfully getting better now) and I am worried about having a much smaller operation than you because they need me so much.Who would love my children as much as I do if anything went wrong? But then my health would improve, my pain lessen so I'd be able to support them better. It is dilemma.

You are also being pulled in two directions regarding the operation; one surgeon advised you not to have it done as you had had so much surgery previously, another surgeon wants to lessen the risk of cancer and deal with other health problems at the same time -these are two conflicting camps. Would your health actually improve enough to make life easier for you? Sticky has made some very good points in her post about the differences in opinion between the 2 surgeons and how the' adhesions may no longer be regarded as so problematic' and 'what way your former surgeon thought you could end up worse off' and if you are being' regularly monitored for rectal cancer'. I think you need to get some more information before you can make a final decision.

I do hope you will keep in touch and let us know how things progress.

All the best
Elizabeth x

elnafinn

Dear CB

You give your sis's children so much love, affection and attention that some things in their home not so pristine for a time will more than likely not matter one jot to them. The most important thing children need is love and attention and they sure get that from you.

Elna x

ichabod6

Hello Creakybones,

Nobody is indispensible. ZStart thinking of and doing things for yourself.

You could
stop cleaning for your sister
you could have a one to one with her man
you could and should buzz off on your own for a long holiday
you could do the short break with your husband when you come home
you could go on a self management course
you could take up or resume hobbies
you should treat yourself
and you should remember that not only are you the most important
person in the lives of those you mention, you are the most important
person in your own life.
There are loads of other things you could do and no doubt others will
suggest them.
Personally I would havea go at threeor four of the above if not all and
not give a thought to consequences until you felt up to it.
There is only one you.
Take care.

valval

you only live once and it is up to you to decide how you want to live it. no one but you walks in your shoes good luck to what ever you decide it will be the right decision for you and that is what counts good luck ((())) val