Wedding appeal

Beatlesian1

Hi all

Normally it's the bride that joins all the wedding forums and stuff but lately I've decided to join them all and appeal for donations for my bride to be, you have no idea how some people can treat you like complete dirt.

Refusal after refusal or complete disregard is all I have came across so far.

We are getting married in 10 months time whilst she is still able to walk.
And the reason I decided to ask for help is this.
It saddens me that I can't give her the wedding that she deserves, that even when she does walk down the isle behind her smile there will be pain, I want her not to worry about how we are going to manage with Christmas because we have a wedding to pay for, I want her to stop looking at dresses on eBay that are £30 and under I want her to feel lovely on her day. I might (hope and pray) have a dress donated to her by some designer in London as yet nothing has been confirmed.

On other forums I get " doesn't matter what she wears its about getting married " "it's about love" but what they don't seem to grasp is I wouldn't be asking if I didn't love her I don't care what she wears, but unfortunately she does and she has every right too.

I just want to know if anyone has ever been in my position or what would you do in my position. It's hard to explain how much this irritates me maybe its the fact that I never imagined that I would be asking for help for my wife to be I do know that if I get help (which I will because I'm determined for her to feel special) I plan to set up something in the future that can help people with weddings. What do you think?

stickywicket

I'm sure your heart's in the right place but I, for one, would not have wanted to start my married life with my future husband begging on my behalf. Quite frankly, if he was begging on the grounds of my disability he would no longer be my future husband. He'd be my ex with the black eye even though that would have hurt my hand a great deal.

I've been happily married for 44 years after a wedding that was arranged essentially by and for the two mothers. It wasn't the quiet wedding we wanted but, partly I'm sure because we were more interested in the marriage than the ceremony, it has lasted.

This isn't really about arthritis or disability: it's about living within one's means. She wants you, not a dress. Weddings don't have to cost a lot of money.

Beatlesian1

Totally get what you mean and this is the response I'm looking for she would give me a black eye and I don't doubt it, but maybe their is other men out there that feels the way I feel....I can't work to get her the dream wedding the nice dress or even a half decent dream wedding because I look after her and our 2 kids. I would just love to say " listen love I can't do the fairy tale wedding but ive managed to do this" then get the black eye.

Please I am in Noway using her disability for my advantage I couldn't care if she was naked walking up the aisle. I'd just like to say I tried in other ways.

Maybe it's a macho thing I don't know. Maybe I'm the one stressing.

tjt6768

:? :? I'm confused... Lol

dreamdaisy

I'm not. DD

LignumVitae

Me neither, DD! My wedding was a cheapy and I got down the aisle courtesy of a large dose of steroids.

My dress wasn't designer, my OH and I hand wrote the placenames and made the decorations. All my friends contributed a cake for the dessert and we made a virtue of the village hall, doing an old fashioned afternoon tea affair with tea cups raided from all the local charity shops. If she wants to get married, she wants to get married, a bit of imagination and effort will impress her lots more than money...it did with me. Everybody commented on how unique, gorgeous and full of love the day was... at the end of the day, isn't the love bit the bit that matters?! The only thing that really mattered to either of us on the day was getting the ceremony sorted, signing the form and being married, the rest was just window dressing and the biggest memory for both of us is still Mr LV asking me half way through his vows what the registrar had just said, not the dress or the fuss, the sillly mistake.

stickywicket

LignumVitae wrote:

My dress wasn't designer, my OH and I hand wrote the placenames and made the decorations. All my friends contributed a cake for the dessert and we made a virtue of the village hall, doing an old fashioned afternoon tea affair with tea cups raided from all the local charity shops.

Either my son & daughter-in-law pinched your wedding or you pinched theirs For village hall read church hall, I made some very boozy cakes (as you'd expect ), no official photographer (we pooled photos) and guests were told they could keep the charity shop crockery as a memento It was fantastic. (And the dress was second hand - not that you'd have known.)

LignumVitae

Oh we did steal ideas, my Dad and cousin were the photographers! We splashed out £50 on hiring a fancy dancy coffee machine so people could make themselves all manner of coffees, as it was most went to the bar but it was really laid back and fun...far better than designer dresses and fairytales! My Mum used her green fingers to grow snowdrop bulbs for everybody, she wanted fancy pots until we pointed out that the non-fancy look was what we went for, lots of brown paper and luggage tags, it was so much fun to do compared to all my other friends who got stressy about chair covers matching napkins!

Beatlesian1

We are having a beatles themed wedding and I'm making the invitations ( haha but hey god loves a tryer) it's a black and white color scheme (cheaper) I personally think my missus will look good in any dress and well aslong as she is happy then that's all that matters the life she has had asnt been easy she is in so much pain she can't even hold our baby son. And after having a baby, dealing with the pain, it's bound to get her down, I'll do everything in my power for her to look the way she's always imagined( dont know how right enough but I will, I suppose I can just starve the guests).
I would like to say that there was more than one company that wanted to give her a dress nothing set in stone yet but I'm pretty sure ill get her one. And if I do I might auction it off or give it to anther disabled bride to be after the wedding.

Sorry for the confusion but here ya would wana try living in my shoes then maybe ya would understand.

Beatlesian1

Confusion is my middle name lol

dreamdaisy

I can't walk in my shoes let alone live in 'em. DD

stickywicket

Can your OH really not hold the baby? I had serious problems in getting my RA under control after both my pregnancies and I couldn’t have managed without the help of my husband (when not at work) and Mum (when he was) but I could always hold them, albeit by picking them up in strange ways. Is your OH’s arthritis under control, Ian? What meds is she on?

Please be careful about accepting a freebie dress. It’s true what they say about no such thing as a free lunch (or dress). What will these firms require in exchange? Publicity? Will your OH really want to be known for getting a free wedding dress on the grounds of her disability? Where does sensitivity come into this? And dignity? And pride? I hope this is really what she wants, Ian. Is she aware of what you’re doing?

I guess the confusion thing works both ways. If you lived in our shoes, you’d understand my concern.

tjt6768

it's ok, I've taken my shoes off now mine ain't so comfy either matey

ruby2

My shoes hurt too!....Having a new grandson is difficult to handle but I find ways to do it as my independence is something I hold dearly.

I have planned many weddings and believe you me...the nicest weddings can be done on a shoestring.
if its Beatles themed wedding the guests can be fed on scouse( loads of it) very cheaply...a hearty meal which is the way buffets are going ..finger food is a thing of the past as it all gets wasted.

Beautiful wedding dresses can be bought in some chain stores reasonably priced and personalised and embellished with great effect if you find a good haberdashery site.

Remember she needs to be comfortable and some of the huge designer dresses come with instructions on how to get into a toilet cubicle ( often walking in forward)!!!!!.

Hope it all goes well ...but remember too...she may want to surprise you!

valval

we were fit when we got married my dress was made by a work friend i made brides maid and page boy out fits did my own flowers for them did get mine done but we loved each other and all we wanted was to be together for him to be stood there when i arrived was all that mattered you do not have to spend money you just have to love my mate got a dress from car boot it was lovely and she looked stunning if you try same sort of dress on in shops you will know how it will look it only for few hours and not worth loads of expense . if you truly love her then talk to her find out what she wants most and i bet the kids come near top of list not an expensive wedding

Beatlesian1

Hi all thanks or the advice and warnings someone hit the nail on the head when they mentioned the kids because she will always put them first regardless.

There is no way she would spend over 1000 on the wedding that she has discussed with me if we had the finances we would stretch it to 2000.
She is stressing about little touches and silly things like favours and chair covers. Where I wish she'd put the same effort into worrying about her dress and hair and make up and nails, I've been with her for 10 years and she never spends money on herself, if she wanted an outfit it would be from charity shops, if she wanted nails she would perfectly do her nails just as good, hair she would do the same, where as I used to say save yourself the hassle and get it done professionally (maybe a mans approach)
I'll give you a little (but long) insight as to what she as been through

She gave birth to our son Lennon who was 9lb 6 oz in 2005 after having 2 previous miscarriages she was overjoyed but she developed dieabetis in pregnancy and they never gave her a c-section, she had a terrible time delivering and was in extreme pain for almost 4 months after the baby. By that time she felt guilty about feeds and stuff and wished that she could do more, also she developed severe vitiman b12 defficency. After a further 2 miscarriages she found out she was pregnant and yet again after bleeding she was told that she was bleeding from an ovarian cyst but blood test showed she was having another early miscarriage.

Several weeks went by and she looked drastic and was very weak she admitted that something didn't feel right and we took the train to the hospital.
They gave her a test and came back "good news miss your still pregnant" then made her walk round to maternity for a scan once they scanned her all hell broke loose she was surrounded by doctors, wires, tubes, they explained it was an ectopic and that the tube is rupturing she was then asked to sign a rom so doctors can save her life but she refused. I will never forget the look in her eye. It was down to me to sign the form ( I had no choice) they rushed her straight to theatre.
Once she came round they gave her papers asking permission for a post mortem and to bury the baby, but my partner was in a state of shock she refused we were told she was only slightly pregnant when she was at hospital the first time now she had to arrange a funeral. She couldn't do it. And lives with regret.

2 weeks later she took a severe pain in her back and was told it was sciatica painkiller after painkiller and she was still in pain oh and it was suggested that she was imagining the pain because of the ectopic, anyway she finally got a MRI scan and it was revealed that she has mild spondylosis, although the pain is far from mild, it seems to effect her balance and she would constantly fall she was then being taught to walk properly as if she was in a car crash or something, and given a rotator at 27, she had good days and bad days.
Then she found out she was pregnant we were amazed but my missus just told herself another miscarriage never got excited but instantly she stopped all her medication, she was sore, sick and worried beyond belief, I was petrified I couldn't watch her go through anymore heartache. She got by the danger stage but she had to go through withdrawal symptoms and was in agony,
Anyway 8 months into the pregnancy the pain was starting to effect her heart and putting the baby Into distress so agreed to mild pain relief. We don't know yet how much the pregnancy has damaged her back but now our son is 8 month old and a big lump of a boy, I left work 2 weeks after she had the ectopic and been by her side since, she can't pick our son up or put him down, she can't comfort him when he's upset as he throws himself all over the place, she does try though but again would never put him in danger.

She is on co-codomol 30/500 tramadol, diclofenac, methocarbomol along with butrans patch 5 mcr per hour, she still feels pain and is weak. She is very tired with doctors and doesn't trust them she has pushed our son once in his pram, only been out the house 60 days in 4 years.
That's just the left shoe. I'll not bore you all with the right.

So much inbetween, which is why I feel she deserves a boost. I plan to scrimp and save and get her to spend a weekend away and get totally pampered, I have her hair sorted ( sister is a hairdresser).

I will let you all know how I get on in my appeal, if anyone has any further advice please let e know xxx

fowls48

tjt6768 wrote:

it's ok, I've taken my shoes off now mine ain't so comfy either matey

mine are rubbing my heels

stickywicket

Your OH has had a lot of health problems and it must be very tough for her. The treatment for any form of osteoarthritis is, essentially, pain relief and physio. She's on a lot of painduller so I wonder if she's tried the physio and/or a Pain Clinic. (There, they give suggestions for dealing with the pain and most people rate them very highly.) I really think it would be worth enquiring both about that and physio as exercises train the muscles so that they support the joints better and that leads to less pain.

As for the wedding - I guess that's up to you two but, if she's constantly in a lot of pain, it might well be that she genuinely doesn't want the hassle of all the things you'd like her to have. Pain makes you like that. If I had to do it all again I think I'd do as some friends of ours - keep quiet about it and take a couple of witnesses. No hassle; no stress.

ruby2

Me too Sticky!

Colin1

I could do with a few bob myself mate
good joke though
when i got got married i had 7s6p we had nowhere to live, out first child slept in the draw and we lived on tick from the corner shop. But guess what we managed i remember our first bedsit boy was i in love we still are today. hardship makes you stronger.
Anyway im not to wellat the moment infact i cant walk if you could help me buy a state of the art wheelchair and pay for a cruise on the QE2 that would be nice and my mrs would be so happy. so dig deep Beatlesian1. i will send you all my bank accout details in a PM yours truly a not confused
Colin

Beatlesian1

We all have our sorrows to bear then don't we mate, excuse me if I don't run along to the bank but ill be needing to buy my future wife a lasting memory, then a wheelchair,, I intend to dig deep matey even if it means digging to Australia.
What's the point in having charity's for people and no one helps, regardless of what her needs is no one gives a damn and if I could get tick I wouldn't feel the need to lower myself and ask for help.
But don't be worrying about me getting something for nothing, you would be amazed at just how much people take pleasure in sticking the knife in rather than give advice, coz lets face it thats what I signed up for ADVICE.

LignumVitae

Hi Ian
If your partner has only been out of the house 60 times in three years then as somebody who has been a bride I'd like to explain that as exciting and wonderful as it is, as much as you are surrounded by the people you love, all eyes are on you. That is pretty overwhelming and as much as she dreams of a fairytale wedding, it might well impact on her nerves on the day. I had a small wedding and still found that aspect quite overwhelming.

Please take Sticky's advice and consider helping your partner access both a pain clinic and physiotherapy. Both of these can do more amazing things than you can imagine. I had physio when my mobility was falling to bits and by working hard with the physio I not only controlled the pain I also improved my abilities til I was back to levels I had only dreamed of. This is more than possible for your partner too. Her future doesn't need to be a wheelchair and as somebody who left a relationship where my other half was adament that would be my future and entered one where my other half felt very differently, it makes a massive difference to have a partner who will support you and encourage you to achieve the impossible. Give her the strength and courage to see that future which probably does seem impossible, it is likely not as impossible as you both see it at present. It will take much courage and strength to get there though and that is something you can help her with and will be more valuable than any wedding memory.

We all have a range of problems related to arthritis on here, some are worse than you can imagine but if you read other posts you will realise that the overwhelming spirit is one of battling on to achieve a future of independence as far as is possible.

As for a beatles inspired wedding, my wedding went back further but why not go the whole hog and go for a reception that has a 60s feel? That way, chair covers become redundant and a more basic look is required, people loved my 40s/50s feel and it was easily achieved for pennies. We did things like used jam jars with ribbons around as candle holders, it sounds bad but it looked stunning, was simple and very cheap. Making an effort to hit the period just right can be quite cheap and makes it feel far more unique, check out some pictures of 60s weddings on the internet for ideas, I did that and it gave me loads of inspiration.

LV

stickywicket

LV has just given you some excellent, detailed advice, born of painful experience, Ian. I very much hope you will take heed because, so far, lots of us have given advice but I’m starting to feel that the only advice you really want is on how to have a wedding you can’t afford.

On here, we all live with pain (sometimes huge amounts) and disabilities, both of which limit us daily. We come on these forums to support each other as we all understand how life with arthritis is a constant battle, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes we give practical advice such as how to deal with pain, appointments, side-effects of meds etc. Sometimes we try to assuage the fears of newbies or those about to have operations. Sometimes we come to let off steam in this ‘safe place’ where we won’t upset our loved ones. Sometimes we come for a laugh, as laughter is a great analgesic. We don’t ever come here, though, to swap tips on how to use our, or our partner’s disabilities in order to beg more successfully.

Disability is expensive. My life would be greatly enhanced by a walk-in shower, a mobility scooter, an i-pad and a mobile phone. I can’t afford these things so I don’t have them. I have no intention of asking manufacturers and/or sellers if they will give me one because one thing that arthritis can not take from me is my self-respect and my belief that, despite all, I pull my weight in society and I pay my way.

The reason why you have had so many negative comments is because you have, quite unwittingly I think, assumed that we all use our pain and disability as useful tools with which to scrounge things we can’t otherwise afford. We don’t. We see pain and disability as obstacles to be overcome which is why I recommended the Pain Clinic and physio, both of which suggestions you have ignored.

I can only repeat your own words back to you. You should try living in our shoes then, maybe, you would understand.

Beatlesian1

Lv and sticky wicket your advice is much appreciated, I plan to get her out and about but most importantly I plan to get her to physio, she hasn't seen a doctor since he gave birth I'm not out to impress anyone but our wee family ( my missus and 2 sons) the wedding planning is the easiest lol I have all that paid, quiet hotel ceremony and 3 course meal and reception for 50 people aswell as the bridal suite for 1000, my mother has agreed to give us 600 so ill get what I need for that. And deep down I'd rather have the fairy tale of her getting some quality of life, I'd like to think my hearts in the right place coz at times I know my brain isn't.
I know she is getting a dress from eBay rather than going into shops because she doesn't want the hassle of explaining her disability.

I hope I've not offended anyone but I wanted to hear from women that are in pain and just what they think.

Anyways my embossing gun came today so ill have to crack on and learn how to do it( never did I imagine I would be making my invitations)

dachshund

Hello Ian
i understand what you are saying the same as everyone else.
i was born with cerebral palsy to me my life as been normal because i know no different i think it's the person you live with and the baby that matters not what you wear or the house you live in it would all be nothing without the person you love in it you could live anywhere it all means nothing a wedding is only a few hours you have your life to be happy to please one another it does not matter what you are wearing. but then what do i know i'm not married i'm happy as i am.
good luck to you both
joan xx

Beatlesian1

And yeah I used her disability to get her help on advice from the vicar, I never expected anything but I asked top companies to donate a dress that they maybe thought was unfit for sale, I'm in noway trying to insinuate that isabled ppl use there disability to there advantage. I do however believe that there should be more help available to disabled mothers ( I know a wedding dress isn't help but as I was advised I thought I'd give it a try)