marriage and arthritis

nearlybionic

Hi
No I am not starting new song! No `horse and carriage`....
My 1st THR was 4 years old yesterday, and this weekend has been a turning point for many reasons.
I took all you lovely people`s wise words and saw my GP and am now the proud owner of antidepressants. It has been difficult for me to admit to myself, never mind those around me how low I have been feeling.
Mr NB and I had a rare night out on Friday, and we had a nice meal, and as I forfeited my morphine a few drinks too. Now maybe this was the dutch courage I needed to explain how I have been feeling, I wasn`t prepared for his revelations. Arthur came in to my life, and our marriage 6 years ago, no warning just BANG! here I am. And Mr NB has always been there to help with stuff I can no longer manage, but under the surface there were things happening for him (or not!) that I wasn`t aware of, til now. He is scared of being `intimate` with me because of the pain I am in. And he says he feels guilty if we are, as I am in more pain, so has been avoiding sex. So we had tears on both sides, him feeling guilty for telling me, me feeling even less attractive than I already felt, with my rock bottom self esteem. I felt numb yesterday, and he was very subdued too. We still love each other, and still `want` each other but, again arthur has got in the way.
anyone understand, or have any words of wisdom??
NB

stickywicket

I've said it before and I'll say it many times again. Arthritis will find all the hairline cracks in a marriage and prise them wide open. The only solution is total honesty on both sides and to talk, talk, talk about feelings. Men are not good at that, on the whole. Arthritis affects both partners in a marriage and not just the one with the painful joints. We with the painful joints have to be sensitive to that. (I speak as one guilty as charged )

nearlybionic

Hi Sticky
I suppose that is true. At least we have started to talk about this issue, never easy to find the time to talk about these things, with other things like work, kids, etc... getting in the way
Thanks x
NB

jillyb1

Oh , NB , been there , done and not done that ! I married at the age of 22 and was diagnosed with RA at 25 so hubby and I have dealt with this particular problem for most of the 36 years of our marriage . No wondrous advice to offer , just reiterate what Sticky said ; talk , talk and more talk . If the love is there ; you can always find ways to adapt and adjust to suit the two of you . You've already taken the most difficult step of both voicing your feelings , keep moving forward from there . Life with arthritis is never going to be dull is it ! jillyb

nearlybionic

Hi Jilly
Thanks for your reply
I hope that we are able to keep talking about things. It is taking me a long time to get used to my altered body image, and thought that he no longer looked at me in that way. And with me feeling so tired all the time, and low self esteem making me feel ,`why would he want me` , so many things were against us. We have been together for 25 years and I hope we can get through this.
Thanks again
NB

stickywicket

NB I must apologise for the brevity of my last post. What's worse is that it was short because I wanted to go and watch the rugby :oops:

What I should have said was congratulations on taking the difficult step of getting the anti -bios. I know how hard this was for you. Also for using the night out so profitably. It's hard to talk about these things but, if we don't, they just drive a wedge between us. You and your husband now have a basis on which to solve the problems you've faced. May be it won't be easy but you can face them together instead of separately. Might AC's booklet on intimacy help to some extent?

elainebadknee

Hi NB

I can't offer any advice to you but from reading your post it sounds to me like you and your husband are both very open with each other and that surely is a good thing? It's a big step you took taking the anti-depressants but they will help I am sure...The main thing is to keep communicating and the fact that you still love and want each other surely will knock arthur into its rightful place....
You are both inside the same people inside its just like a car a few more miles and bumps come along to test us...

Goood luck

Elainexx

nearlybionic wrote:

Hi
No I am not starting new song! No `horse and carriage`....
My 1st THR was 4 years old yesterday, and this weekend has been a turning point for many reasons.
I took all you lovely people`s wise words and saw my GP and am now the proud owner of antidepressants. It has been difficult for me to admit to myself, never mind those around me how low I have been feeling.
Mr NB and I had a rare night out on Friday, and we had a nice meal, and as I forfeited my morphine a few drinks too. Now maybe this was the dutch courage I needed to explain how I have been feeling, I wasn`t prepared for his revelations. Arthur came in to my life, and our marriage 6 years ago, no warning just BANG! here I am. And Mr NB has always been there to help with stuff I can no longer manage, but under the surface there were things happening for him (or not!) that I wasn`t aware of, til now. He is scared of being `intimate` with me because of the pain I am in. And he says he feels guilty if we are, as I am in more pain, so has been avoiding sex. So we had tears on both sides, him feeling guilty for telling me, me feeling even less attractive than I already felt, with my rock bottom self esteem. I felt numb yesterday, and he was very subdued too. We still love each other, and still `want` each other but, again arthur has got in the way.
anyone understand, or have any words of wisdom??
NB

newbygran

I have been in the same situation as you, and have had to pluck up courage to talk to my partner, who would squirm and turn inside out rather than talk about s*x : :oops: : but now I know he loves me and is there when I need him and if a good day arises who knows :roll: talking is rearly important, as you can feel totally isolated in a relationship, laughter is our thing if it don't work, we have not lost anthing and had a good giggle trying, be happy.....

barbara12

Hi NB
I am so glad your OH has opened up to you, like someone else has said men are not usually good with the talking part.
I really do think you are coming out of the cloud you was in...
I am quite a bit older than you and quite happy with the cuddles i get, but like your OH I think that mine is scared of hurting me...at the min we are in separate beds ....because I disturb him with all my moving about in bed...
You take care and be proud of yourself ((((())) xx

merri

First of all have a /hug and well done to both of you for getting it out in the open. I'm just on my way to bed, but wanted to say that there are aids out there to help, I can't remember the name exactly but one was a big wedge type cushion, I have a friend who has had both hip and knee replacements and she really does recommend it. Hang on in there /hug

LignumVitae

Hello NB,
That sounds like a painful and open conversation. I come from the opposite angle, I was in a relationship where my arthritis was used against me and my guilt about it sky rocketed. I'm now in a relationship where I make sure my arthritis is my thing as far as possible and Mr LV understands what is happening because my past makes me be open and communicative about it. Arthritis affects so much, even things you don't even acknowledge or understand. I know it dented my self image/ confidence/ person quite a lot but I think I have learned some form of acceptance although like many there are times when I'm so busy coping with it that I fail to see how it affects Mr LV and leaves him worried. I try to remember I do that and to help Mr LV to accept arthritis and understand it as much as he can, I do sometimes just say that I'm feeling crap, I'm sore and I need a few days of him understanding that me being quiet isn't the end of the world. As newbygran says, being able to giggle can be one of the best ways of coping with the difficult/awkward moments. It sounds as if you've both taken an important first step in sorting it out, I hope your journey together continues to be open and brings you together. I also hope your very brave step of antidepressants helps give you the space to get your head around things. This arthritis thing does like to make everything more difficult!
Love LV xx

MerryChapman

Oh sweetie, relationships can be hard enough without the joys of Arthur. As you know, I'm also a congenital hip girl and my childhood ops have left me with a long thick scar and a dent in the thigh which pretty much goes down to the bone. Attractive huh! When we had marriage issues a few years ago, I asked him to be very honest with me about how he felt about it and he felt pity more than anything which is a hard thing to be on the receiving end of.

The only advice I can give you is the same as everyone else - to keep being honest with each and keeping talking. Is there any way you can both go away together or have some sort of staycation with just the two of you? I always find this works wonders to rekindle romance and intimacy. I also agree about the giggling - we often joke about stiffness and dismounts etc (sorry if it's TMI :oops: ) xxxxxxxx

nearlybionic

Good morning!
Wow, thank you all for your replies. I have just read them and it brought tears to my eyes to know you understand, and some of you have felt the same. I think that for me and MrNB it has been a turning point having `that` talk. A good turning point.
My pain and soreness won`t disappear , but the awkwardness that was there from the `elephant in the room` has started to go. I still feel low at times, well most of the time, but the will take time to kick in. At least he knows I am taking them now too!
Thankyou all for you support xx
NB

stickywicket

It does sound as if good has come from bad, NB. I hope so. Communications always require hard graft though. The door tends to blow shut very easily

DebraKelly

Communication is key when any of us have Arthritis.

I got diagnosed with RA the year we got married (4 years ago) I have had good and bad spells, lately mostly bad, but I think that because I have a very supportive husband and we talk constantly is why we are still together.

Yes the sex issue does crop up every now and again, but again we talk through it. Last year was particularly bad due to my miscarriage, but again we have gotten through it.

It really does help when you have support around you.

This forum as really helped me too over the years.

tkachev

Its very difficult to sing from the same hymn sheet but as long as he's not resentful I think you are heading in the right direction. He seems to care about you and doesn't want to hurt you rather than falling out of love.

I call my OH Sid after Sid James because he's forever going on about s*x. Its fair to say he wants and I'm not easily persuaded. I know it causes 'issues' between us and I feel guilty but I have always made him aware of how I feel since 2003 when the R.A went through the roof. My THR helped a bit but was not the magic wand I hoped for. Lately he has stopped hassling and I haven't had to call him Sid since Christmas but I'm unsure if this is because he has finally got the message about pain or whether he's given up on me and is looking around!

It is good that you were able to communicate and that in itself is a great start,


Elizabeth xxx

lazicat

Im so sorry & really relate to this. At least you are talking . keep talking & listening too. Hope you can work it out.
Ive had a similar thing very recently , been a huge shock & emotions are very raw. My self esteem is so low due to OA & THR which has changed our lives so much, so quickly. Sadly my Hubby had an affair, at least yours hasnt dont that & is opening up. Hang in there & keep talking.
Dont blame yourself , you havent done anything wrong. I would never of imagined what an impact Arthur had on lives.
X Yvonne

nearlybionic

Hi and again, thankyou for your replies xx
Debra, yes, you are right, communication is the key. We have made a start and hope we will carry on talking about this. Although it is not always easy to find the time, or privacy to talk with 2 teens around!! It was easier when they were small and we could have some time to talk when they were in bed early. Nowadays they are wanting to stay up later than me!
Elizabeth,
I am sorry that you have had similar problems. I too hoped my THR would make it all ok, but after it dislocated (No, not doing that!!) we both are very aware of it`s presence. I hope that you and `SId` can work through things too xxxx
NB

nearlybionic

Yvonne,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband`s affair. (I have posted on your thread previously)
I must admit, I did wonder if my husband was having similar thoughts of finding someone else. But he assures me he doesn`t want anyone else.
We need to find a way of getting past this. If my antidepressants start to work, I might start to feel better about myself. Self image and self esteem are hard to improve with arthritis, I have found.
I have been thinking. Our other halves didn`t (on the whole) enter into the relationship to have a partner with arthritis. However, neither did we go into that relationship expecting to have/develop arthritis! It is not my fault, or his, it is just something we have to work with. I am going to try hard to keep things alive in our marriage, and I hope that you can get through things with your husband, if that is what you both want xxx
NB

stickywicket

nearlybionic wrote:

communication is the key. We have made a start and hope we will carry on talking about this. Although it is not always easy to find the time, or privacy to talk with 2 teens around!! It was easier when they were small and we could have some time to talk when they were in bed early. Nowadays they are wanting to stay up later than me!

So, you two go to bed and leave them up Take a nice bottle with you

nearlybionic

Hi Sticky
That might be a good idea, however unfortunately my bottle of choice at the moment is Oromorph!! My hip is really bad today, and the bags under my eyes are far from attractive! I even shocked myself in the mirror this morning. I think that a couple if teary sleepless nights has paid it`s toll on me physically and emotionally.
I have had to make a start on cancelling our family holiday today as it will be too close to my surgery to fly etc.. so feeling a bit sad because of that too. The big highlight of my week is going to be my appointment with Occy health, courtesy of my boss, so I feel everything is conspiring against me this week! And it`s only Monday.....................
NB

Christimay

Haven't been around much lately but have been having a look in now and again I left my husband 3weeks ago and just trying to adjust to a different way of life in my hometown as I moved when I got married23 years ago thank god my little 2 have settled great love their new school and have both made new friends I couldn't sleep with the thought of change in there lives but I can't begin to tell you how I feel seeing them so settled and happy I've cried twice once when I went back to the house to get some things and he had changed the locks that day the home I'd raised raised my 4kids in became a house and then when I came on here and read this thread it's knocked me for six that's all I can say for now

constable

NB, I have been lucky. I have a husband that after years has learnt to be able to talk openly with me. He is disabled and always in severe pain and now with me and the arthur, we do make a right pair. But we have a laugh and joke about things. As long as you are both on the same wave length, you can tackle anything.

nearlybionic

Hi
Christamay, I am sorry if my post upset you x. I really hope that your decision to leave has been the right one, and it does sound as though you and your children are settling well. Again, sorry for any upset I caused.
NB

nearlybionic

Hi Constable
Thankyou for your reply. It is good to hear from someone who is finding a way to live as a couple well, especially if both of you have your problems.
We are having good and not so good days at the moment, not helped by pain and lack of sleep for me! I have been teary this evening because I was in pain and my usual coping strategy is to keep myself to myself. This is hard for him, as he does want to help or make things better, but when I am struggling like this I tend to push everyone away.
We are more affectionate now since the row last weekend, by that I mean a hug, kiss goodnight etc.. It`s a start.
NB

Thelaststarfighter

Hello nearlybionic,

If its any help, my wife and I are married 5years and well my arthy gets in the road allot!

It's frustrating for her as I when like now i am in pain and just exhausted after work I just want to go to bed and sleep.
One reason I sleep a lot is I'm tired, the other reason is escape from the pain.

We still are affectionate but not like it was prior to my diagnosis. She tries her best to be understanding and so do I but at times I just can't cope and the last thing I need is a sour face because I won't go shopping on Saturday or some silly reason like that!

We love each other dearly but things have not been the same since I took sick.

Love TLSF xo