Removing the evidence of a life.

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dreamdaisy
dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
edited 14. Jun 2013, 07:37 in Community Chit-chat archive
I freely admit that a) I am struggling with matters and b) this isn't the right forum for this but I couldn't decide where else to post. I need, however, to write this down. (Please feel free, mods, to shove it elsewhere (or bin) if you feel it necessary.)

I am now receiving my Ma's bank statements (which is a huge invasion of her privacy), my solicitor wrote to me today regarding his fees about doing the probate - yikes, did I go into the wrong profession :wink: - and I am meeting an estate agent on Saturday morning for a probate and market valuation for her house. I am waiting to hear from local jewellers about the probate valuation on her rings and other jewellery and her neighbour rang me today about removing some pot plants from the garden. (That is 'pot' as in container, not pot as in 'pot' :) )

I know that many of you have had to do this (Elna, I am thinking of you) but it feels very odd to be eradicating my parents' lives in this way. I had a practice run with Pa but this time? Suddenly her life has become so very official, a matter of monetary values, insurance values, bills to be paid and practicalities to be addressed. How did that happen? She was alive, a vital presence, a stunning young woman, a very happy and devoted wife and mother but now she's all 'business' and a source of income for various professions. It isn't sitting well with me but I guess that maybe part of the grieving process. Is it? I know that life has very little to do with what I want and like but this is distinctly unpalateable.

Right, it's time to wash up. If you have been thanks for reading. DD
Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
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Comments

  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    XX(((())))XX Mig
  • Numptydumpty
    Numptydumpty Member Posts: 6,417
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I know what you mean DD. I think these things have become worse in recent years. I noticed a big difference between helping mum sort out dad's affairs, twenty years ago, and helping my FIL sort out MIL' s 18 months ago. It's most upsetting.
    ((((()))))
    Love Numpty x
  • Susiesoo
    Susiesoo Member Posts: 358
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Oh DD, it is a horrible, horrible time. There is no easy answer. I remember it well and so much feels wrong. Sadly, this is the reality and there is little we can do to change it.

    Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you.

    Susie
  • villier
    villier Member Posts: 4,426
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    As there is no such forum for this type of situation, here is fine in my opinion DD, yes, solicitors do make a wad of cash dealing with banks, property etc, unfortunately.
    We were lucky my mum had signed papers for my sister who she stayed with at the latter as she was terminally ill, to be power of attorney, not that mum had a massive bank account It did save a lot of money,
    but none of us know what is in front of us and prepare for such situations.
    We are all here to help one another whatever the situation so you are not alone, practicalities have to be addressed I'm afraid and it IS part of the grieving process, you are not alone and you can have a wee 'blether' on here anytime, take it easy over the weekend (((((()))).....tc......Marie xx
    Smile a while and while you smile
    smile another smile and soon there
    will be miles and miles of smiles
    just because you smiled I wish your
    day is full of Smiles
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,731
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    No words. Just ((((()))))
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Yes, it is a horrible time. My dad had to sort out my mum's things. He did it very quickly to get it over with although he has kept some things. It does seem distasteful that solicitors etc take a chunk of money but that's life, unfortunately. Deal with things that need to be done now but take your time with anything that can wait. And above all, take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
    Christine
  • lizzieuk1
    lizzieuk1 Member Posts: 302
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi DD,

    So so sorry you have to go through this, I think it is part of the grieving process and when you're done with all the paper work it will give you space to remember your mum without all the official stuff hanging over you.

    I understand you feeling like you're eradicating her life but try to remember these are just things they're not her life, you and the rest of your family are. What keeps a person alive is the people that hold them in their hearts and all the beautiful memories you have.
    when you have finished all the 'official' stuff remember she's there with you forever, in your heart and your mind and whenever you need her just close your eyes and she'll be there.

    ((()))
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    DD, like Sticky I have no words. Your post is deeply poignant and I want you to know you have my sympathy and support. Your mum may have been reduced to formalities by the banks etc but she never will be that in your heart. (((((()))))) LV x
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • maria09
    maria09 Member Posts: 1,905
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi DD
    I'm so so sorry you are having to go through all this
    So long as your mum is in your heart and thoughts she will never be eradicated at the end of the day stuff is stuff you have your memories
    Dear me I'm getting all teary eyed soft mutton that I am
    Take care keep those memories flowing
    Maria
  • maria09
    maria09 Member Posts: 1,905
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Ps could you come and do my washing up too
    Maria x
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thank you, everyone, for your care, thoughts and wonderful words. It's the little things that trigger the grief, isn't it? Last night it was her very shaky signature on the back of one of her bank cards - in the past year or so her eyesight had deteriorated to such an extent she couldn't see to write and was doing so many things by touch. Poor old girl.

    I have just sat and looked through their wedding album - they married on 09 December 1945, and there's my mum beaming with happiness because her love had survived the war and she was married, my dad standing next to her, very tall, quiet, looking on with a mixture of pride and seriousness. I then found some photos of me aged three days old. :shock:

    We are setting off tonight and will be coming back on Sunday. I am leaving you all behind so behave yourselves, OK? DD


    PS. Maria? You're out of luck on the washing up. :wink:
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • suzygirl
    suzygirl Member Posts: 2,005
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    DD, I can only imagine how distressing these things are to deal with on top of your grief. I wish you the strength to deal with matters and a few
    ( ( ( hugs ) ) )
  • dachshund
    dachshund Member Posts: 9,029
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hello DD
    you will have some lovely memories of your mum try to remember her smiling.
    take care ((((((((DD))))))))
    joan xx
    take care
    joan xx
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,731
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    dreamdaisy wrote:
    We are setting off tonight and will be coming back on Sunday. I am leaving you all behind so behave yourselves, OK? DD

    :shock: You cannot be serious :wink:

    I hope the weekend goes as well as possible. We shall be thinking of you.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • maria09
    maria09 Member Posts: 1,905
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I have no choice but to behave myself DD with this damn bandage on my foot :lol:
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I'm back. It's been a strange week-end, tiring and a little upsetting but the probate valuer was a very nice chap who pitched everything just right (his presence did not feel intrusive) and his little estate agent's ears pricked up when told that the house was 'fresh' to the local housing market :wink: I showed him photos of it being built (taken in May and June of 61, we moved in in the October of that year) and he suggested using one in the marketing details. Mum's front garden is dominated by two enormous cherry trees (they are at least 48 years old), sadly all the blossom was gone but her poppies, peonies, wisteria, syringa and irises were all doing a splendid job of adding 'kerb appeal' (gawd knows the house needs it).

    I've come home with some more 'treasures' including her house number (57) and an enormous jug. Ma had a serious jug habit and I remember the purchase of this one very clearly. We were on a family holiday in Ludlow - Pa went wandering off to take pictures and Ma and me shopped. When we next saw Pa he said 'I've found a jug for you, missis.' We went to see it and she said 'It's lovely but much too big.' We returned the next day to buy it because she couldn't forget it. It's two feet tall and three feet round at its widest point. I've also brought back one of the smallest - about an inch high and just over an inch round at its widest.

    Thank you for a wise thought, Unsure. The Registrars in Slough notify all sorts of people and organisations after a death, and Ma didn't have much in the way of a mail-order habit. So far we've only had charity appeals as extra post. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Dear DD

    I know what you mean. I am that little bit behind following along the same path. I get moments, at home, in her bungalow, anywhere in fact over the little things, like a photo of her that fell out of an envelope as I was throwing things away, some dishes that she used all the time for deserts when we went over there. I may hear a song that she would not even have particularly liked but still it starts me off with a few tears and then it is gone again. The word solicitors is not a welcome word in my vocab. They move so slowly and charge so much and one has to chase them, it would seem. I have taken many things home with me that are from Finland. This gives me great comfort to see them on a daily basis. I have replaced things of mine with her things so not becoming overcrowded here. All the photos, like you, bring on strong emotions and also seeing myself young and my brother and the brother that died at nearly five years old whom I unfortunately do not remember at all, but have a great fondness for him and remember him often too. Now her bungalow does not look like her home anymore. Anything that we can give to charity/good causes is going down this road. She would have wanted this. I shall give her books to the Quaker Meeting she attended and also some of her ornaments etc and they can either sell them for funds for upkeep of the place or people there can take whatever they would like to remember her by. I know that my mum lives on in many people she helped and in the groups she started. She will not be eradicated. I am not thinking that, cannot bear to do so. I am sure DD that you mum will live on in others too. I will hate saying goodbye to her home when it is sold. It is traumatic, DD, I am with you on that. You are not alone with all this.

    Gentle hugs
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Dear DD

    It is good that you have come back with more treasures. It really is reassuring to see them around you and a great comfort. I am also relieved that it was not as bad as you feared it may be.

    Chin up,

    Love
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Elna, my heart goes out to you because I know from experience that this is not easy. We drove through Jordans village yesterday, am I right in saying that that is the place of one of the first Quaker meeting houses? Our mothers were / are very different in character but surely we reflect them in some ways, plus our own 'quirks' (which probably came from our dads? :wink: )

    I too have evicted some of my possessions to make way for hers (and much more of 'me' has to go!) Mr DD has brought just one box to us from his late mother's house, I have brought considerably more - maybe that's a girl thing? I am an only and (as usual) I am thankful for that; my belovéd and his big brother are coming close to blows over their mum's house, eight months on nothing has happened thanks to BIL being unwilling to make any decisions As for the solicitor, well, he is a friend and, given the fact that we've paid him nothing in twenty years of friendship, maybe it's time we did. :) OK, he moves slowly but I guess that's the pace of life up here. :wink:

    I have learned a little about your mother from reading your posts on AC. My estimation is that she was a spirited, courageous, kindly and warm-hearted woman, who bore her troubles lightly whilst fretting much more about those of others. I think you carry that torch, no?

    I have been (and am) thinking of you very much. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    DD I am so sorry to have only just seen this..the last time I had to go through my parents possessions was my Fathers...and like you I felt has though it was wrong to be going through his private things...but I thought to myself that he would have been happy for me to do it and not someone he didnt really know..it is very hard ...there will be happy memories and sad one amongst everything...but you will get there ((((())))xx
    Love
    Barbara
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Dear DD

    We have passed all mum 's finances over to the solicitors so they are dealing with that. So far my bruv and I have got on ok although we do not see much of each other and it is usually me who gets in touch by phone/email. Jordans and the meeting my mum attended were both built in 1688. I just looked up when Jordans was built.

    My mum taught me many things but I have some of my dad's traits too. I do try and look after my health more than my mum did. I used to nag her but she told me she did not have time, for example, to do physio exercises. More likely, others things were so much more interesting. ;)

    May well be a girl thing, DD. My brother has not taken one nic nac but he did want to have her wedding ring as a keepsake. He will take a few items of furniture though. I am wearing her engagement ring now and also two rings that her mother in law gave her. Unfortunately my dad's wedding ring was lost in the hospital, probably as he lost so much weight and it was mislaid.

    I am thinking of you too, DD, we are at the bungalow again on Friday.

    This weekend was busy with other things so we did not go there.

    Love
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,646
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    and my heart goes out to both of you :(

    I am reading your posts and like Barbara and others have 'been' there myself....It feels so wrong that someone so vital in our lives leaves treasured items which we 'go through' in their absence :?

    Both of you have/are doing precisely the right thing(s) for each of you as did I.....memories, small mementoes, tears (many tears), a smile or two, but all done with respect and compassion.

    Off now am bawling!! Sorry :oops:

    Love

    Toni xxx
  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    (((((()))))) take one of these anyone who needs one. Mig
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    How lovely you brought home the two jugs, especially with the story attached. What wonderful memories. (((hugs)))

    Thinking of you too Elna. Hope you have lovely memories too. (((hugs)))
    Christine
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Well, I thought I'd brought home the little one - I cannot find it. :oops: I remember washing it then wrapping it in kitchen towel but after that it's a blank. :( Bother. I also forgot to empty the kettle and throw away the unused milk. Bother again. :( Hey-ho, no matter, I will plod on as the Goons instructed; 'Forwards in all directions!' DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben