MY mum

gilly1957

I need to put this down,Don't get much help or support from my sons.

Approx 2 years ago my mum moved to St Annes to be near me in Blackpool,My mum was meant to be stopping with me for 2 weeks while the sale completed, at the last minute she pulled out and ended up staying with me in my 2 bed flat with my son.....she slept on sofa,for 4 months, she wasn't mentally well, depression and regret about selling her home, I found it very hard to cope and we had some falling out, my dad was moved to a nursing home up here (he had been in one in Cornwall).......nothing was good enough and she was very rude to the carers,taxi drivers, shop assistants etc which I found really embarrassing.
On top of this I was still recovering from severe cellullitus,which I had been hospitalized for, it had at the time affected all my organs and my leg was swollen beyond recognition.
My mum eventually moved and then I kept getting calls from the manager,it was a retirement appartment to say she was banging and screaming and shouting in the early hours and disturbing people, I know what it was like as she did it here. I tried so hard to get help for her, but A she didn't want it and B there wasn't any.

To cut a long story short,she moved back to Cornwall and took my dad back to a nursing home there and within 4 weeks he died, Myself and one of my sons went and supported her for 2 weeks, she kept saying she wanted to die, and every time I phoned and tried to be supportive she said the same..... then phone calls came from the police to say the neighbors had phoned them worried about her because she was screaming and banging.

The last time I spoke to her was mothers day and then only for a couple of minutes before she hung up the phone, I kept ringing but she didn't answer, I sent her nice cards trying to support her,nothing, I have been getting more and more worried and concerned , about a month ago I spoke to her GP but he listened to my concerns but didn't say much.

On Sunday night I got a phone call, from the Park owner where she lives to say she had been seen getting into a taxi and falling all over the place, she had been seen stumbling around and falling a lot in recent weeks.

My mum has now been admitted to hospital. From what I have been told by the nurses she had a collapse because she was dehydrated, they realise she is very low,and I gave them a bit of background about what had been happening, she told my mum I was on the phone and did she want to talk to me, she said no,when she feels a bit better, she doesn't want me to see her like she is (she has been drinking 2 bottles of Brandy a day and not eating) she has never been a drinker.
I phoned yesterday and spoke to her nurse and she is going to see a mental health doctor today.

Am I wrong to feel relieved she is somewhere safe and will hopefully get the help she needs?
I am terrified they will discharge her.....before she gets the help she needs,she is also very good at covering how desperate she is.

At least now I have some sort of contact,albeit through a nurse,

I would like to go down, but have very little money being on ESA, but if she needs me and wants me, I will use my emergency credit card and worry about paying it at a latter date!!!

Than you for reading, I needed to get it out :roll:

Gill

Numptydumpty

Oh Gill, how awful for you! and how awful for your mum too!
Of course you're not wrong to feel relieved, it's good that something is finally being done for her, and she's hopefully getting the help she needs.
It must be terrible for you that she won't talk to you, but you are there to support her, when she'll let you. I think that's what counts.
Take care, (((())))
Numpty

stickywicket

gilly1957 wrote:

Am I wrong to feel relieved she is somewhere safe and will hopefully get the help she needs?

No. No NO, Gill. Your mother has clearly needed a lot of help for a long time. Now, at last, she is getting it. Be glad. Support her as best you can by phone but do not feel guilty about what you can’t do. These are her problems, not yours.

People with mental health/alcohol dependency problems can be very demanding and manipulative. You have been a very good daughter, putting her up when it was very inconvenient for you. Even your father had to move nursing homes twice to satisfy her needs. I don’t doubt she’s been a good mother in her time but right now and, apparently, for a couple of years, she is in a bad place mentally and that is making her utterly self-centred. I do hope the docs in Cornwall will get to the bottom of her problems but personally I don’t think you should even consider going down there. Your Mum had the option of being near you and chose to move far away again. She must accept the consequences of her actions and doing that will be of benefit to her in the future.

I hope that someone with more knowledge of how the NHS works will be along soon. My gut feeling is that they can’t tell you anything much unless your Mum gives permission. That will be very tough on you. Try not to worry. Be available to her by phone if she wants it. But don’t ruin your own health in a possibly forlorn attempt at helping her recover hers. We will be here to support you whatever. ((()))

barbara12

Oh Gill you really did need to get all that out..bless..gosh you have done your very best there, your Mum badly needed help and now she is getting it...its sad that she is so far away..but you need to concentrate on yourself for a bit.
The guilt is awful and meant to eat away at you..so try not to let it...just talking to us and getting all this out will help you lots so dont forget we are always here...you take care of yourself....((((()))))..some very gentle hugs and love xx

maria09

Hi
I totally agree with SW and Barbara I have nothing else to add except you have nothing to be guilty about your mum has obvious mental health issues which hopefully she will get help for
You are ready to help and she knows that but needs to reach out to you on her own terms
So concentrate on getting your self better give yourself time to grieve for your father give yourself some tlc
Maria

villier

Gill, my heart goes out to you, I have not really anything much more to add, I think the others have said it all, yes, it must be a relief that at last something is being done and don't you feel guilty one bit, we are here for you anytime, you take care ((((())))) ...............Marie xx

mig

The others have said it all and I hope it may have helped a little.I will be thinking of you and I am sending hugs .(((()))) Mig

tkachev

You've been there and done a lot for her, you've been a lovely daughter, be proud of yourself. But now her behaviour needs professional attention and she sounds as if she is getting this at last and you rightly feel relieved, although I do understand that you are concerned for her well-being and do not like to see her depressed.
Your Mum is in the best place and will get all the help and advice she needs to get through this then you will be able to be there for her when she gets better.

Hope you can relax a little bit while she is in safe hands,

Elizabeth

kellerman

Oh Gill This sounds very much like my MIL was. I too felt guilty but there wasn't anything more I could do and neither can you.
Hopefully the hospital will not discharge her until a care package is in place.
This will probably involve a social worker. If its considered unsafe for her to go back home a residential care home could be suggested. Its good that you are in contact with her nurse and as her next of kin you should be informed every step of the way.
However at the moment hospital beds seem to take priority over common sense and care in the community is being pushed as an option. In many cases it works but there are many more where it doesn't. Its difficult where mental health and drinking are involved.
I hope that she recieves the right treatment for her and that you realise you can do no more than you have.

RosieGlow

So sorry for all that`s happening to you right now Gill. It`s totally understandable that you want professionals to take over your mum`s care.

I don`t think you going there right now would be the best thing for you to do. There`s obviously a lot going on that you`re not able to be told about. Mental health problems, either caused - or exacerbated by - alcohol, mean that there has to be a code of confidentiality in place. Continue as you have been doing, by keeping in touch with the staff, and making quite sure that they are fully aware of your concerns. No one is going to think you are failing in any way, by not rushing headlong into a situation that is obviously very fragile.

Be good to yourself.......Rosie.x.

stickywicket

How are you feeling today, Gill? I hope you don't feel quite so anxious.

gilly1957

A massive thank you to

Sticky
Barbera
Maria
Marie
Mig
Elizabeth
Kellerman
Rosie.....

It is a nice feeling to have understanding and support from all you lovely people, I feel so bad that I can't do anything.....my mum just doesn't want to live anymore, she says she has nothing to live for

I spoke to her last night on the phone, she didn't say a lot as she is very weak, she has been starving herself and her weight is now only 5 stone, I found that very hard to listen to and it kept running through my head and kept me awake most of the night.
She saw a psychiatric doctor yesterday, but according to the nurse she doesn't want to except help and there is nothing they can do if she won't,and she will eventually have to be discharged, my mum said to me on the phone: I have no quality of life and I don't want to go on, I would rather be dead,but if I say that I will be sectioned....which personally I think would maybe be the best thing.

I think I am just going to have to try, I don't know how to accept all that she says and prepare myself for her dying at some point soon, she just doesn't want to be alive.
She already has a bedsore because she is so thin.
My mum is 75 and before my dad died last October was quite fit and well apart from her depression.....I don't want her to go, but that's what she wants.

Sorry to go on.

Sticky I think I feel worse today, it all feels hopeless somehow, I'm balling my eyes out writing this, but I think it helps.

Once again thank you all for your support.

Gill

villier

Sorry Gill no words at the moment ((((())))) xxxx

maria09

Hi Gill
I agree with you the only help your mum can get now is if she is sectioned as she seems to be a danger to herself and I think the doctors can do that
It might help if you contact the ward she is on and tell them what she has told you
I know it's such a difficult thing for you to do but seems it would be for the best
I'm so so sorry you are going through all this
All I can do is offer my support and a big hug ((((( ))))
Maria

barbara12

Some more gentle hugs for you Gill...((((())))xx and dont forget we are always here...

fowls48

Dear Gilly


You poor love , i am so sorry you are not feeling any better , It must be very hard for you , and your poor mum .I do hope things get better , i do honestly understand what you are going through as i have the same things going on with both my parents ,
Hugs and kisses coming from me ((((())))))xxxxx


Fowls

LignumVitae

Hi Gilly
Sorry to be slow on here and I'm so sorry for what you are facing. I faced a very similar situation earlier this year with a neighbour who happened to be my old teacher. She was drinking through depression. Every time she was admitted to hospital she was eventually discharged as she was regarded to be of sound mind and refused help. It was deeply frustrating as she was clearly struggling in the deepest depths of despair and urgently needed professional support and help. After a particularly bad episode she was sectioned. It was sad and hard but that was the best thing that could happen because it forced social services and the medics to work together. She is now in a housing association flat with a support team and case worker who are working hard to help her. They are what she needs, her family, neighbours and friends could only do so much. Please understand you cannot do more than you are. Don't feel guilty, your mum needs the support of professionals now.
Lots of love and hugs to you and your mum xx

frogmorton

Oh Gilly

You poor thing

I am sure she is in the right place and I am certain you deserve the respite from the worry too...

If you are next of kin I am sure you can request an assessment of her mental health...alcohol doesn't help (but you know that) it makes you more depressed and it takes away your appetite, so I can see how she is where she is just now.

Try hard to look after yourself if you can and know there are people on here who care about you

love and ((()))

Toni xxxx

stickywicket

Oh Gill, I'm so sorry. It doesn't get any better for you but at least you had the courage to write it all down which must have been difficult.

I agree that being sectioned would probably be the best thing for your Mum. I hope it happens, for both your sakes.

I really don't see what else you can do other than, maybe, finding the telephone number of her nearest Samaritans branch and ensuring she has it. Having said that, if someone is determined to die they'll manage it no matter what others do.

Please look after yourself and keep talking to us. Remember you are in no way to blame for any of this. ((()))

gilly1957

Once again than you so much for listening and being there for me

Fowls I am sorry to hear you are going through a similar thing,I hope your situation improves.

I spoke to my mum this afternoon, not for to long as it is so expensive to call those bedside phones,but at least she answered and we had a little chat, I sent her a card yesterday and she liked it and thanked me but couldn't remember if it was today or yesterday that she received it. I told her I loved her and her reply was she didn't know why,which made me cry.

I have been on the council list in Cornwall for a while but there are so many peeps in front of me I gave up on bidding,especially when we had no contact, but I have emailed them about the current situation to see if they can help. I have looked at private flats ,but most say no DSS or pets, I have a small dog and couldn't part with him, he has also been really poorly the last couple of days but thank goodness he is improving now.
Once again thank you all for your hugs and support, I feel a bit better today and a lot of that is down to you all caring.

Gill

maria09

Hi Gill
I'm so glad you are feeling a little better
Your poor little dog hope he gets better soon
Here's to more good days
Maria

stickywicket

You are a good daughter, Gill, and you are doing all you can for your Mum.

Please think carefully before you try to move down there, though. I know you have sons and you could later regret moving away from them.

Take care (())

villier

Gill glad you are feeling a wee bit better today, your mum is lucky she has a lovely daughter that cares so much about her, lets hope the hospital will sort things out for you, you have to look after yourself as well, keep posting it seems to be doing you good to get things off your chest, we are always here to listen..........tc................Marie xx

mig

Hi Gilly,Theres nothing I can add to what everyone else has said so I am sending some hugs instead. (((()))) Mig

villier

Gill, how are things with you today? (((())))..............Marie xx

gilly1957

Thank you all again

Sticky I have 4 sons, one in Blackpool.one in Weymouth, the youngest will be in Sheffield soon, and one in USA, so I guess it doesn't really matter where I live.

Hi Marie I was ok earlier, starting to except there isn't a great deal I can do,my mum has to want to live and help herself, before I can be any real help.

My ex husband has totally wound me up today, all to do with my youngest son and a little bit of help he needed, but as usual the answer was no.

At the moment I am so stressed I could scream the place down!!! :x :x :roll: