Where do you draw the line?

stickywicket

Rather an odd appointment, ouchpotato. Why on earth would she insist you were hypermobile and doing back-flips as a child? Unless, maybe, it had been written in your notes from when you were a child, Could it be that a previous consultant had got it wrong?

At least she's doing all the right things by offering blood tests, X-rays and an MRI. I hope they help.

applerose

Only just found your post Ouchpotato. I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years. I look back now and wonder why on earth I didn't end it far far sooner. Some of the things you said sound just like the relationship I had. It can be very difficult to make the decision to leave and then go through with it but you must do it. I have always said, imagine yourself in the same relationship next year, in 5 years time, in 10 years time. Is this how you want it to be then? Of course it isn't. Please get the courage to finish it for good and don't listen to the apologies, the crying or any other method he might use to get you to go back to him. And don't feel the least bit guilty because of his accident.

I hope you can convince your brother to make sure your mum gets medical help. Surely he can do that rather than expecting you to go and do it. As the others have said, we are all here for you. Keep strong.

thistlegirl

ouchpotato, I agree with everything that has been previously. I can only give you my opinions and support.
I hope your "boyfriend" gets the message and stays away. It is not a case of spreading yourself too thin, if you helped him now you would be eligible for sainthood!
About your Mum and brother my opinion is she needs to get to the doctor/hospital but you cannot get her there, your brother needs to step up! Does he know how much pain you are in at the moment? I am very good at hiding how bad things can be from people, but I realised recently that it helps no-one. My sister has said to my quite bluntly that I need to get better at asking for help instead of wiping myself out doing it myself.
Would he listen if you laid it all out, you want to help but you physically can't at the moment, you have helped in the past and you will again once things settle down.
Have you told your mum how worried you and the kids are, how it would ease your mind if she called 111 etc? Would a guilt trip work?

You are dealing with a hell of a lot once,please know we are here to support you if we can. Look after yourself!

Thistle

ouchpotato

Stickywicket...no, there has never been anything in my notes about being hypermobile because I wasn't! My daughter is and has a lot of joint pain as a result (hence me already being familiar with the rheumatologist) but me...never. I've been trying to get help for my back since I was 19 (I am now 44) but my first x ray for it was 18 months ago, when they x rayed my hip and not my back! So why she was stuck on the idea that I was hypermobile I'll never know.

Ok, to answer the posts about my brother and my mum. She phoned me yesterday morning in tears. I had text my brother the day before telling him that she had vomited blood. His reply 'well maybe you should think about coming down and looking after her then'. I ignored that as I would have said something I regretted. He then phoned my mum yesterday morning having a go at her, saying I did nothing for her and how dare I tell him how she is??? This all stems back to new year when she was in hospital with the same thing. My brother 'instructed' me that I needed to go down and stay the night with her (he lives around the corner from her, I am a 2 hour drive away). I said I'd come down but couldn't stay the night as I had no one to look after my children (single mum). My mum was in hospital anyway so I wouldn't have been able to stay the night with her. He got all c***py and then refused to let me know how she was, told me to ask her myself. Whenever I wanted information about her condition I had to phone the hospital, even though he was sitting there with her with his phone on. There is more to my reluctance to leave the children...I was in a very violent marriage a few years ago, and recently my ex husband tracked us down (we had fled and were 'in hiding'). The police were very concerned and turned my house into fort knox, bars on windows, alarms everywhere, sealed up the letterbox in case he firebombed us, a panic alarm which goes straight through to 999...they took the threat extremely seriously as my ex is considered dangerous. he has always threatened to take our daughter (now 9) and commit murder/suicide. I know this sounds extreme but unfortunately it is all too real. So leaving the children alone overnight is just not an option for me, even though my oldest is 18 it is not a risk I am prepared to take.

Anyway, since then my brother has not spoken to me, and now he has stopped contacting my mum, despite her being so ill. I am trying desperately to get her to come back up to me as I can help her here but my hands are tied when she is there.

I am just exhausted mentally.

As for the 'boyfriend'...it is his birthday today and I am feeling guilty (again) but will not give in. I have his present here, but I will either sell it or give it to my son.

Oh well, let's see what today brings!

x

ouchpotato

Just wanted to add apologies that this is not strictly an arthritis thread. However, I am worried that this will all bring about another flare up; I have just come through one and am starting to feel a reduction in pain and fatigue and I am scared the stress will bring on another one.

stickywicket

Well, the last bit is the easiest bit to deal with. Guilt is a useless emotion at the best of times. This isn't the best of times and you have nothing to be guilty about, ouchpotato. You;ve 'done' one abusive relationship and don't need another. Give the gift to your son and then it's no longer there to give you doubts and misgivings.

As for your Mum. She most definitely needs medical attention but, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water etc. If she is OK mentally then she has every right to do as she likes with her own life. From what you've said previously it sounds as if she's too scared to see a doc in which case my advice would be to stop trying to push her and just concentrate on getting her to talk about her feelings about the whole thing. Maybe she'd be prepared to ring NHS Direct? Anonymity can help in such situations.

As for your brother - this is clearly a relationship that is too strained to be mended quickly. I'd just leave him out of the equation for now. he's only adding to your worries.

applerose

First of all, there is no need for you to apologise. It doesn't matter that it is not an arthritis thread. You need someone to talk to and there is always someone here to listen. They are a great bunch.

I think I have to agree with Sticky about your brother. He doesn't sound as if he is willing to help in any way so it might, in a way, be easier to leave him out. At least you won't have the hassle of trying to get him to help. Is it possible for you to phone her GP to see if he can send someone to check on her eg a district nurse doing a general check-up? As Sticky said, if your mum really doesn't want the help, you can't force her.

You have your daughters to care for so you must try and look after yourself and relax a bit from the situation. You can't look after everyone.

As for you EX, don't be guilty about it being his birthday. Be strong. You are no longer together. You don't need to give him a present. It would only let him think you are still interested in him.

Please try and relax a bit. Even if it's only for a short while, it will help. We're here if you need to talk any more.

maria09

Hi
I must agree with SW and Applerose
We are all on here to help and support each other it doesn't have to be Arthur related as SW says the dreadful stress you are going through can make Arthur worse
You do right staying with your family considering everything you have mentioned about your ex it seems your brother needs to man up in my opinion maybe he's scared of looking after your mum on his own or he's just being selfish
As for your mum you can't force her to seek treatment so that's a bit tricky could you contact her GP and explain the situation and see if they can take it from there
How about the helpline on here maybe they can off you some advice
I really feel for you and wish I could help
Just remember we are all on here for you no matter what the reason
((((( )))))
Maria

dreamdaisy

I sincerely hope you have not passed on the gift. To do so, accompanied with the message 'We're done' would be playing into his hands. Don't, please don't, which I realise is far easier said than done. Please keep your children (and their emotional well-being) to the forefront of your mind, although I have no doubt that you are.

I agree with the others in that any form of stress exacerbates our arthritis. OK, it may not be strictly related as such but, as this a serious part of the forum, and you are dealing with a serious issue, where else would it go? I count myself as very fortunate in that I have never been in an abusive relationship: my first marriage foundered on indifference (his) and my second is based on completely different values. Mind you, life was complicated by meeting the current Mr DD just two-and-a bit-months after marrying the first effort.

You are better, deserve better, need better and will value and lovebetter than this loser. I hope you will find a decent man in due course: they are out there. Giving up on something can sometimes be the way to find what was lost. DD

bubbadog

Hi Ouch, I hope you are doing Ok, you seem such a lovely person having to deal with a lot on your own at the moment. We are here to support each other and that includes you. I agree with everyone on your ex, now you have cut ties with him leave it at that. I know what nasty relatives are like I'm estranged from (I refuse to call him the 'D' word!) the 'sperm donor' have been for over 7 years now. The way he treated me verbally was not the way you treat a daughter.
I met Mr bubba by a friend setting up a blind date with him, your Mr right is out there and you just haven't met him yet. I hope you will have better days soon and I ditto what Maria said we are here whenever you need us. I send you a big ((((HUG)))). bubbadog

ouchpotato

Doh...I've just written a really long reply and it got lost, so I'll post a shorter version to bring you up to date.

I picked mum up and brought her back here again on Saturday as she was even worse than before. By sunday her condition had worsened so I put my foot down and insisted either she let me take her to hospital or I would call an ambulance. By that time she didn't really care, and to be honest I think she didn't know what was going on anyway.

Took her to a&e, and they were lovely with her; they knew she was scared so were very gentle and patient, put her on fluids and painkillers, and gave her anti sickness and antacid drugs. I've never seen anyone so ill in my life, she was actually leaving the bed every time she was sick as it was so violent. They think she has an ulcer that had started to bleed. They discharged her later on, with various meds (and after much argument from me that they couldn't send a sick elderly patient home but they insisted they knew what they were doing) and lo and behold...once the meds kicked in the recovery was nothing short of a miracle! That was only Sunday, and yesterday she was eating for England, and drinking lots of water. She has lanzoprazole to suppress the acid, giving the ulcer a chance to heal, and anti sickness tabs to allow her stomach to rest and accept food and drink. They have said that if she was still ill, or it came back, to go to her gp and ask for a ct/ultrasound scan but they are confident that this will do the trick.

So...all is well there, and thankyou for all your support, it really does mean a lot.

DD, you will be happy to know I gave my son the present I bought for my 'partner's' birthday. I haven't seen him for 2 weeks now, although he does still text and ring and sent me a bouquet of flowers. I'm not going back, despite all the trauma and upset of the last 2 weeks life has been calmer and much more simple.

Anyway, must go and do some shopping (in the rain)

Take care all and thankyou again.

x

maria09

Hi
I'm so pleased your mum came home with you and was seen in A&E
It's great news the medication has kicked in and she's improving a great relief for you
Good for you giving your son the pressy and for not going back to the ex
You deserve happiness
Happy shopping
Maria

bubbadog

Glad your mom's on the mend and you are a lot happier, fingers crossed this is a turning point for you for the better Ouch!!

stickywicket

That's an excellent result, ouchpotato and well done you! I'm sure it wasn't easy. We Mums rarely are It's good to hear your Mum's on the mend.

It's worth mentioning to her that the neurofen could have caused the ulcer. All anti-inflammatories should be taken with food and, if she needs them regularly, she should ask her GP for a stomach-protecting pill to take also.

Well done on the birthday present, too! You're really having a good week, aren't you?

applerose

Great news that your mum is recovering so quickly. Well done on giving the pressie to your son and for being strong and deciding you are not going back to your ex. A bunch of flowers don't turn him in to Mr Perfect.

dreamdaisy

Well I never, she's been 'fixed' and so easily - what a relief. Sometimes our elderly parents can be so stubborn and daft it's beyond belief (my dad was and all it led to was his death). I hope she's been fulsome in her apologies for causing you so much trouble and stress but somehow I doubt it. It's just dawned on me that I haven't PMed you. :oops: :oops: :oops: I am so sorry, other life complications have cropped up and I freeely admit I am struggling to keep all my plates spinning. DD

ouchpotato

DD, you concentrate on keeping your plates spinning!!! I appreciate the advice you've already given to me on the forum so no PM necessary

Mum has gone home now, feeling very much better. She still has a tender tummy but as she has been vomiting for 6 months it will take time to heal. She has been very very grateful for the help (I don't think I did much apart from bully her into hospital!) but she says she wouldn't have recovered nearly as well without myself and the children's care and love, so that's a nice feeling. As for my brother he was and continues to be a complete a**e, enough said.

I am still being strong/stubborn regarding the other half. I haven't seen him for 2 and a half weeks, although he is still trying to maintain contact. Apparently he has to have surgery on his eye which will render him effectively blind for 4-6 weeks as his other eye is almost useless anyway. This was an attempt I feel at trying to get me to ask him to move back in with us while he recovers. Not going to happen.

As for me, I am in shed loads of pain today. I knew it was coming as the fatigue has plagued me for the past 2 days and that is usually a precursor to a flare up. It was my usual bum shuffle down the stairs this morning, and strategically placed walking sticks around the house. I am almost out of cocodamol too, as the hospital told my mum to take 30/500 cocos but didn't actually prescribe her any so I had to give her mine. My GP will think I am an addict if I ask for a repeat so soon, so I need to eke them out.

Anyway, a nice quiet sofa day for me today I think. I have the full quota of children at home now as it's school hols, so Scooby doo and Disney for me I think!

Take care all

x

dibdab

So glad to hear that mum is on the mend, and much admiring your courage and resolve with the OH!!!!!

Duvet day(s) and Disney sound just the ticket-enjoy! Maybe you could tell the GP a little fib about forgetting to pick up your coco's when on holiday in the hope of getting more- seems to me the end justifies the means on this occasion. :oops:

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Deb xx

dreamdaisy

It's not advisable to give others your meds but, as the hospital told her to have them without supplying any then yes, you could own up to your GP about the real reason you need some more. Alternatively you could get something similar over the counter to help you through until your next script is due. DD

PS Thank you for being so lovely about the lack of PM.

PPS Keep ignoring him, you're doing fine on that front.

stickywicket

dibdab wrote:

Maybe you could tell the GP a little fib about forgetting to pick up your coco's when on holiday in the hope of getting more- seems to me the end justifies the means on this occasion.

I don't think that would work. Certainly not in our practice. They keep strict records of when each med has been issued and when it may be re-ordered.

Any narcotics are monitored carefully. I know the low strength cocos can be bought over the counter. I doubt the higher strength ones can. You may have to come clean if you need them.

thistlegirl

great to hear your mum is recovering, and she said thanks!

I would go to the doctor and tell the truth, they may not be happy but they should understand. If not I would take 1 coco with 1 paracetamol to eek them out.
It sounds like things are improving around you but after all of this I am not surprised that your body is complaining. Treat yourself well and rest.

I hope things continue to improve for you.
Thistle

elnafinn

There are three strengths of cocodamols, 8/500, 16/500 or 30/500.You need a script for the last two, only 8/500 can be bought over the counter.

Elna x

ouchpotato

Aaaarrgghhh...when does life stop being complicated??? The ex has started an onslaught of emails, one minute begging, the next angry. He's deleted my phone number apparently (thankfully) but I can't cope with this. I have to try not to rile him too much, as he has already told me that if I ended things he would never let me go and would stalk me. He also holds an unlicensed firearm. This stress is causing havoc with the pain, and all I have to take is cocodamol which is a bit hit and miss, and I don't have that many left to take anyway. I think the current thundery weather is contributing too, although what relief last night to have a cool breeze coming through the windows. To be honest all I want to do is curl up in the corner and cry, and I don't often get down. I am still in hiding from my ex husband, and now this???

villier

Oh!!! Ouch I think it is time you contacted the police, you have proof that he is harassing you with the emails.........and an unlicensed gun oh my goodness he sounds like a man possessed. You certainly don't need any more aggravation, think of yourself and the kids, get an appointment tomorrow with your GP and come clean about the coco's or you are going to be in a sorry state. Do yourself a favour pet you need to get this guy out of your life once and for all.............tc.............Marie xx

a few of these to keep you going ((((())))) xx

ouchpotato

His emails aren't so much harassment Marie, they are mostly begging me not to end it.
When my exH seemed to have tracked us down, the (then) boyfriend hired someone to watch my house all night in case the exH turned up, so I know he has these connections and the mindset to do some extreme things (have you any idea how creepy it is knowing someone is watching your house all night). In fact, the guy relayed to the boyfriend when I was moving from room to room, when I went to bed, even what time my daughter turned her tv off!!!
The problem is, if I go to the police not only will he lose his business, but his sister will too (they are partners) and his dad will lose his house as they used it as collateral. I just want to be left alone to try and get well.
The hugs are very much appreciated though x