Crying, crying, crying.

Starburst

I don't want to put on a fake smile today. I want to stay at home and keep on crying, crying, crying. I don't want to be brave or normal, I want to stay at home in my PJs with my fluffy dressing gown and just 'be' ill. My joints are hot, red and swollen. Everything aches. I am tired and pale. I now have puffy eyes and a headache from crying.

Why am I so bad at admitting to people in my life that sometimes it's all too much and I need some time out?

I'm sorry, really sorry. I know this is really self-pitying and self indulgent. I will stop crying in a minute and sort myself out, I promise.

stickywicket

(((())))

Starburst wrote:

Why am I so bad at admitting to people in my life that sometimes it's all too much and I need some time out?

Because you are very bad at admitting those very things to yourself. What you go through daily would flatten a lesser person. You get through it and carve out a life for yourself that any able-bodied person would be proud of. The only way to do that is by denying the reality and impact of much of the pain, fatigue and general cruddiness. Sometimes we can deny it so much that we forget much of it is there and it comes as a shock when an extra wave of rubbish knocks us out of gear and forces us to confront the everyday reality.

Take time out, Sophie, to cry and be sad and acknowledge the pain and immense difficulties with which you struggle daily. It happens to us all from time to time and I believe it's even necessary and something which enables us to cope better long term.

Afterwards, you can put on the armour and be strong again. And you will be because you are.

dreamdaisy

((((( )))))

You do not easily give in which is why this seems so hard for you to do. I hope you can spend the day in your PJs, crying, crying, crying because you've earned it, it is a necessary part of living and dealing with the daily dross with which we have to contend. You are strong, you are brave, you tackle things which lesser mortals wouldn't even consider but every now and again, honey, you need a break from being the resourceful, capable and strong-willed woman which is Sophie. Crying today will make a stronger you for tomorrow. DD

dachshund

Hello Starbust
we care about you ((((((((Sophie))))))))
joan xx

Slosh

Hi Starburst
Crying isn't always easy and it can feel as though we are giving in when we cry but there are times when we need to cry and release the tension of trying to keep it together and acting "normal"
So cry if you need to. Get angry and shout, swear and throw things around if you need to because it isn't fair.
Have a three year old temper tantrum.
Let it out and don't feel guilty

theresak

My lovely wise mother used to say that crying is a great release - and she was right. Cry your tears, indulge yourself, let go. Strength will come back in its own good time.

barbara12

Im with theresak..crying is a good release..Sophie we don't mind you having a moan ..you have stayed strong through your course...and getting your job...so you really are due some me time..(((())) xx

ruby2

Sometimes you just need a day like that! Hope tomorrow is a new day and you feel the benefits of releasing your emotions, resting in your pjs and talking to your friends on here

Sticky I loved your reply ...with your permission I will print it out put it on the fridge and read it myself when I have a Starburst day.... thank you.

dreamdaisy

((((( ))))) DD

Starburst

Thank you for your lovely words. I must admit, I did cry again when I read them. I really feel like you 'get me'. I do have a loving, supportive family but they're of the "pull your socks up" variety. Most days, I need a gentle push but today, I didn't and it tipped me over the age.

I did go to work (late) but I worked from home in the morning. I prefer to be in the office around others but my body is telling me to be careful. I am sore and should have stayed at home but I had 3 service user home visits and I couldn't let them down.

I had my second British Sign Language class tonight which I nearly cancelled but decided I needed some distraction. It was good and I'm glad I went.

I need to have a think about some strategies for managing this job with all the driving and stresses it brings. My strategy for university; placement and academic work was "power through, it will end soon" but I'm going to be working for (hopefully!) a very long time, so I need to find another way to cope.

Thank you again. I think more tears will come tonight in bed but I'm going to let them come. I cry very rarely but perhaps I need it?

Slosh

Managing work and how it affects us is a big thing and one I am currently working on (as you know) and I have far less complex problems than you. Like you my job is one in which there are no routine jobs, and no easy, routine days and one in which if I don't go in I know I am letting people, colleagues, parents, children down and one in which no-one else can pick up my work. You sound as though you have a similar attitude with again a sense of responsibility towards your clients which is very praiseworthy.

I know you have had problems with your Access to work assessment so I'm not going to go there.

I would suggest that when you feel like it you start going through the elements of your job and how they affect you and then what "reasonable adjustments" could be made and as part of this ask if you can have a referral to Occupational Health if your employer is part of such a scheme. I would also suggest joining a union if you have not already done so as this could be another avenue of advice.

Long term is more difficult but tbe problem of your long commute on top of your stressful job is a recurrent one. I am lucky in that I only have a 15 -20 minute commute. I know you have only just started your job but there is no quick fix here and all I can suggest is that you may have to start looking for a job nearer home. I know jobs can be hard to find and you have only just started work but you could not have predicted the impact of your commute on your health.

In the meantime, remember that if you are not at your best you cannot give of your best and so if you need to take a day or two off to give your body a rest then do so. Cry when you need to, shout and swear when you need to but preferably not in front of clients!

You are a star and an inspiration to others and I want to finish, before I get ready for another day of work, (and please, no more CP today), by thanking you for all your encouragement.

dreamdaisy

Yes my lovely, you should let them come. I cannot comprehend the stress you are currently under but there again I'm a good thirty years or more older than you and you do have youth on your side, even with all the dross.

Your motto for university was fantastic but yes, it needs adjusting now as you may have another thirty years or so of work ahead of you (let's be optimistic, yes?) and powering through won't help. Would you mind this mad old bat having a think about it and trying to come up with a new one? Good luck for today, I am thinking of you. DD

LignumVitae

(((((()))))) as others have said, I don't think you begin to realise how much you have achieved or done and that many 'normal' people couldn't face what you are doing. I think you need to find a sensible way to manage your work which can make it more achievable and sustainable - just throwing yourself at it will only lead to failiure. I write this from experience as somebody who did just that for a long time. I only work 2-3 days a week now and so do most in the office but when I was full(ish) time I worked from home for maybe one -two days where possible to reduce my commute, organised trips out so they balanced with office time, made sure I balanced sitting typing with other jobs and reduced my hours to 4.5 days from 5 - that might not sound much but taking a friday afternoon and having a 2.5 day weekend gave me the edge on recovering enough to face mondays. I'm so glad I did make those adjustments because they made a huge difference to my capabilities and enjoyment of the job. They didn't mean I had failed or was weak or hadn't coped, just that I needed to do work, as with most things, differently to other people.

bubbadog

Hi, Starburst, what you do with going out to work and doing an amazing job and helping others when you not well yourself is an amazing selfless thing, I bet able bodied people find it hard doing what you do and you do it even when you have a flare up. And not being well at all and still doing your job deserve a medal!! You are an inspiration to others. You have every right to cry when you feel awful, you stay in your P.J's and fluffy robe, you could even goes as far as to lie on the couch and break in to a large chocolate bar or a tub of Ben & Jerry's woman!! You deserve to 100%
Some people find it hard to admit they are not well and others find it hard to say no when people ask them to do things for them. Telling people your having a bad day pain wise to people you know who also know you have Arthritis is fine, they know it's a very painful disease so they will understand.

theresak

I remember my kind and supportive GP telling me that trying to juggle health problems, family and work meant that eventually something would have to give. My headmaster was one of the ' but you don't look sick ' brigade, and like you I didn't want to let colleagues and pupils down. Retirement, when it came, was wonderful, but I was a lot older than you, so yes, a different strategy is needed. Easier said than done, I know, but you have achieved so much, and done so brilliantly.

The best piece of advice I can give is to take any help that is offered, in whatever fashion - it is not a sign of weakness. I wanted/needed to cope when I was working, until my GP said I would be facing more problems unless I lightened my load.

Take care.

stickywicket

(((())))

Starburst

I read every word of advice earlier in the day. I didn't reply then as I was absorbing it all and reflecting on it, as I usually do.

Access to Work have finally come up trumps and are visiting me next Tuesday. I'm hoping my assessor will help me put some practical strategies in place. It goes without saying that I really appreciate your wisdom and any tips/tricks of the trade. Working a full-time, busy job with arthritis is new to me.

Ideally, my overall quality of life would be better if I worked 4 days a week. Unfortunately, the only job that cropped up was out of London, so my salary reflects that and I spend a lot on commuting too. So, financially, I would struggle. That said, money is not the be all and end all. I am starting a year long professional qualification for newly qualified social workers and I expect I'd have to be full-time to complete that but I'm not certain. I suppose I can find out the logistics at my induction which is tomorrow. Just what I don't need!

The biggest barrier to reducing my hours is my family. They expect a lot of me. I don't know if it's because I project an "I can do anything" attitude or if it's the way they are too and I just never noticed it. I feel a lot of pressure to be strong and perfect for everyone else....to the detriment of me.

Slosh

It might be worth keeping an eye open for a job in London as a part time job in London might well pay as well as a full time one outside of London.

It must be hard when your family don't really understand I can imagine that if you're anything like me you are not very sociable/lively when you get in from work.

stickywicket

Starburst wrote:

The biggest barrier to reducing my hours is my family. They expect a lot of me. I don't know if it's because I project an "I can do anything" attitude or if it's the way they are too and I just never noticed it. I feel a lot of pressure to be strong and perfect for everyone else....to the detriment of me.

It's hard to 'know' people on a forum such as this because we only get to know the parts of them that they choose to project. However, you've been with us for some time now, Sophie, and I get the distinct impression that you don't hold back and what we get is who you really are. On that basis I'd say you're a very strong person mentally – not perfect but perfection is very over-rated. (I believe it was St Teresa of Avila who said, of saints, that “Some of them are so very hard to live with” )

Families are strange, organic beasts. I couldn't wait to go to uni and leave mine behind, much as I loved them. They have a controlling influence born of years of being together. Mine wanted to wrap me in cotton wool and not let me do anything interesting so my own 'can do' attitude was born of rebellion against that. We each have to forge our own path but it's doubly difficult when our nearest and dearest are forever bringing out alternative maps.

Trust your own judgement, Sophie. (You're well-named. Very wise ) I'll say it again – sometimes we have to be 'weak' in order to be stronger overall. Marathon runners don't go flat out from the start. They pace themselves and sometimes run in the protective wake of others for a breather.

You will always be strong mentally. You will always be a caring person but you have chosen a profession in which even the strongest people find themselves, occasionally, in meltdown. You will probably never be very strong physically so you must work hard to preserve your resources, both physical and emotional. Sometimes that will involve periods of 'giving in'. Focus on the goal. You're in this for winning the war not every little battle.

dreamdaisy

I can't top Sticky's words so won't even try. Life at Daisy Mansions has been unexpected since around 7pm last night so I haven't come up with a new mantra but I suspect 'Pace yourself, it's not over yet' is as good as any. ((( ))) DD

LignumVitae

Unless you come from a family of arthritics who's experience may be able to inform yours then just stop thinking about it. I was surprised when a few weeks ago my rather outspoken mum said she hadn't realised just how much I played things down with my arthritis and how much I accomplished despite it. If you have read previous threads by me you will know that she hasn't always taken this view. I imagine you take a similar approach but maybe that just needs to change. You might find telling them they are wrong (politely) actually liberates you and changes their perspective.

As for work - speak to people - in terms of the qualification, work place rights are geared up to people not working full time from parents through to people with disabilities or nearly retirees. This means you will most probably be able to do a part time route in if that suits you. Speak to your boss, mine has come up with some good solutions in the past which brain fog and panic prevented me from doing. It's in their interest to support you to work and get the most out of your abilities rather than pay for you to be on sick leave. Could you maybe just see about dropping 0.25 of a day - not much but if it allowed you a couple of late starts/ early finishes or working that flexibly meant a duvet day every four weeks maybe that could be an option without too much of a pay cut? From my experience, I've always been desperate to work and learn and illustrating that to my bosses has meant they have supported me to do that. I realise that isn't the case for everybody and that not all bosses are good but it is worth trying to generate that relationship if possible.

Slosh

Just want to second what LV wrote, talk to your manager and see what you can come up with between you. I am learning the lesson that it is better to work shorter days, when possible and be effective, than push myself to longer hours but ultimately get less done.

LignumVitae

Sophie - just thought of you after a good chat with my boss where we worked out that once my long editing job (it's lasted 2.5 months) is over I will start doing other things such as research and finding new jobs which don't involve typing much. We also decided I would wait until my enbrel has begun before I start back in the office. I reassured him I was desperate to go back (which I am, I'm missing them all) and he reassured me I could do it when I was ready and that there was no pressure on me and anything I struggled with he wanted to know about. That's the kind of dialogue which removes much stress about work. We have a ten year working relationship but we have always had that kind of discourse regarding my arthritis - we know there are things I can't do but the focus is always on finding and building what I can do. It can be achieved and I imagine you have the kind of enthusiasm that will get you across as a valuable gem to hold on to.

Slosh

That sounds like a really positive meeting LV. It does make such a difference to have an understanding and accommodating manager, or in my case Headteacher. We have to cope with such a lot that having a boss who is willing to focus on our abilities and strengths rather than our difficulties makes a huge difference. I had a very long day yesterday due to a child protection meeting that lasted from 1.30 to 4.45. I was shattered when I got in and didn't feel good this morning so it was good to know thzt although I did go in due to morning meetings, if I had needed to call it a day a bit early I could have done.
Starburst LV and I are both in jobs where we have been able to build up good working relationships with managers over time and part of this is being honest, you are at the start of this but talk to your manager, be honest about what you find especially hard and see what you can sort out. I know you have your Access to work assessment next week. Before mine I spent some time going through the various aspects of my job and where I had difficulties, and the assessor said this was very helpful.

Just think it's nearly the weekend and Strictly, if that's your thing, is back tomorrow.

Starburst

Thank you for your continued helpful and supportive words. Sorry for my absence, it was the Jewish new year, so I have been busy with family and lots of food. It was lovely but I'm glad it's over.

A light at the end of the tunnel; the people running my professional qualification were falling over themselves to be accommodating of my needs. From their perspective, they are happy for me to complete the course even if I am part time. The only expectation is that I complete the portfolio in the same length of time, which is fine.

That said, I am not going to make any formal plans for reducing my hours until I have received a work laptop. When I get one, I will work from home for a while and see if that improves overall management. I think that part of the problem is, I'm doing extra driving because I can only base myself at one of the offices. If I still find it hard going, then I have decided to start by dropping down a little and see how it goes.

It's taken a huge weight off my mind just by allowing myself the thought of cutting back my hours.

Slosh

That sounds like a sensible plan. Well done and Happy New Year. It sounds as though you are starting it well.