Uniqueness, ubiquity and resilience

SPN97

Does anyone else feel like if anyone else were in as much pain as them there's absolutely no way, now way in hell they'd be able to deal with it?

I find myself slowing to a limp or a halt so often and the fact that it's this pain in my leg that is causing this to happen makes me think that there's no way anyone else suffers like I do. I know this is complete s**t but I'm so overwhelmed by it all.

All of you, any of you that experience happiness alongside this pain must be so much more emotionally resilient than I am.

I want to blame my parents for dominating conversation for so many years, not allowing me to feel heard because what they had to say was always more profound, more elucidating. I was a child yet their problems were readily transposed onto (into) me. A fear of alcohol before I'd even tried it. A fear of sexual relationships having been exposed too early to the emotionality behind the everyday world. How we struggle, how we survive.

My limbic system never stood a chance. I feel like the strains placed on every relationship I've ever had are a result of this hyper-vigilance, this anxiety I've been imbued with.

I need help but to receive the proper, appropriate help I need money. To earn money I need a job. To get a job I needn't be so anxious and panicky about everything that is going on or being spoken about around me. To deal with these issues I need time, I need patience, I need help.

Backed myself into a neat little corner there haven't I?

These neat little corners exist everywhere in my mind and I think it may be a result of my sensitivity. To rid myself of this sensitivity is to lose something that has always been central to my relationship with the world. To love deeply and feel honestly; to look closely and consider even more so; to care for and allow myself to be vulnerable.

But,

this world seems to have chewed me up along with it's poisonous insensitivity and s**t me out as some hideous amorphous blob, covered in nerve endings, primed for pain wherever I go.

I can't help but consider taking all the painkillers, antidepressants and antianxiety meds I'm being offered and dulling my senses, my sensitivity. For me though this is akin to dying a psychic death. I don't know what this world looks like when I'm not paying attention to it as closely as possible.

And I know not whether this world needs me to pay such close attention to it... perhaps I've inadvertently gazed into the abyss long enough for it to gaze back into me.

perhaps.

Jona

morts

I hear you, I limp alongside you. I am a wreck but you know, I laugh a bit, I cry a bit and I love a lot. I am angry too at the system. But I am a human being with value. I know my pain and my struggles to live and contribute to society and it makes me cross and it makes me feel immaterial. But I am not and I know that others have the same experience and with mine I I love and care and support . You are not alone my friend.💪🥰

Eeyore

You may find comfort in this, it is a transcript of something Stephen Fry sent some years ago to someone feeling overwhelmed, she made it public for us all to take comfort from. I read it often, and it grounds me.

I'm so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I'm not sure there's any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its savour. Although they mean well, it's sometimes quite galling to be reminded how much people love you when you don't love yourself that much.

I've found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:

Here are some obvious things about the weather:

It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away.
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.

BUT

It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.

It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.

BUT

They will pass: they really will.

In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. "Today's a crap day," is a perfectly realistic approach. It's all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. "Hey-ho, it's raining inside: it isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage."

I don't know if any of that is of any use: it may not seem it, and if so, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd drop you a line to wish you well in your search to find a little more pleasure and purpose in life.

You have found this forum, you are not alone. Very best wishes.