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POST YOUR JOKE

colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
edited 5. Jan 2010, 17:48 in Community Chit-chat archive
If you are going to post a joke please think before you post

A chicken farmer went to a local bar…sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!” “What a coincidence” the farmer says “This is a special day for me…I am celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence!” says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!” “What a coincidence”, say the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different ****”, he replied. The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence!
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Comments

  • lindalegslindalegs Posts: 5,369
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Mine could be removed by the moderators - but I'll risk it anyway :shock:

    There were these two nuns

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.


    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.



    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?







    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

    Say two Hail Marys!


    Luv Legs :lol::lol:
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Three women: one engaged, one married and one
    a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and
    decided to amaze their men. That night all three will
    wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over
    their eyes.

    After a few days they meet up for lunch.

    The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend
    came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall
    stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the
    woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all
    night long.

    The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
    his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask
    over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat
    he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

    The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's
    house for the night. When my husband came home I was
    wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a
    mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and
    saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
    He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
    She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    a bit risky but lets see


    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
    Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
    Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
    Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
    'Nope', she replied.
    'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE
    IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

    Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
    'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
  • lindahlindah Posts: 445
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A little boy tells his teacher"I found a dead cat this morning"

    How did you know it was dead" she asked.

    "Because I p......d in its ear and it didnt get up"

    "You did what" she shouted

    "I knelt down and put my mouth near its ear and went pssst and it didnt move."


    Gotcha :lol::lol::lol::lol:
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Long but good "i think"

    An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
    In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
    Seamus.
    'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
    fine?' asked the solicitor.
    Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
    loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
    answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
    'I'm fine!'?'
    Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
    driving down the road....'
    The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying
    to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
    told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks
    after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
    fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'


    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
    said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
    favourite cow, Bessie'.
    Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
    just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was
    driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
    through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was
    thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
    hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
    However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a
    policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
    Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
    'Now what the F***would you say?'
  • badgerbadger Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    An even longer joke :mrgreen:

    A British Postman was feed up with walking up early and the fast long walks required to drop off the letters. With a knock, ring, letters through the door, six days a week and yes let’s say his name was Pat. His route took him close to Boddington airport and on his round, every time a light aircraft flew over, he would look up and wish that it was him in the air, rather than trudging along the ground through the snow and mud.

    Pat lived alone, except for his pet cat, Jess. In the local pub all he did was moan about his job and comment how he wished he could fly. On his 40th birthday his friends clubbed together and arranged a set of flying lessons for him. On the day of his first lesson Pat flew round his route and finished an hour earlier than normal. When he returned back to the sorting office, Granny Dryden, the office manager, told him, “See I told you, you could do the round in quicker time. Now try always to walk at 8 km per hour”

    Pat arrived at Boddington half an hour before his lesson was due. The instructor jokingly commented that flying must suit Pat as his post had been delivery early that morning, well before the normal time of 10.55. To cut a long story short. Pat took to flying like a duck to water and was soon asked if he wished to try for his pilot’s licence. At first Pat could not make up his mind, but because he had no dependants except for Jess, (No way was he leaving his money to a B....dy cat) he decided that he would apply for his pilot’s licence and buy a small light aircraft, so that he could soar above the countryside on Sundays.

    As the weeks went by Pat brought a plane and started to fly more and more. He passed his test and took his friends from the pub up with him one at a time into the air. They were all very pleased that Pat had stopped complaining about his lot. However, they soon became feed up again because all Pat would talk about was his little light aircraft and flying. Pat’s obsession soon was taking all his free time and money. He stopped going to the pub much to the relief of his fair weather friends. Who did occasionally wonder what had happened to Pat but never bothered to go and find out. Even though Pat lived in the heart of the village, and they could have spoken to him while he was delivering the mail. Pat at first did not notice that his friends were not coming round to see him as he was too busy with his obsession.

    Finding times hard Pat decided to look for a new job. With the recession and two million people out of work, Pat decided to look further afield for a position, as there was no reason to stay in the village, except Jess. Every day he would look on the internet for any jobs he could do, and found none. Jess grew old and passed away. Pat had just about given up hope of finding a new job, when he saw an advert for... Pilot and Owner of a light aircraft required for delivering mail from China to India. Ring XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

    Pat rang the number, listened and asked questions. He was offered the job, on a very good wage, including the upkeep of his plane, repair, fuel and a relocation payment of £20 000. While he was working Pat would study the route he would be required to fly, over Tibet, some of the highest mountains in the world. So as soon as Pat had worked his notice off he flew to China.

    Pat was soon flying backwards and forwards over Tibet, from China to India and India to China. Pat had little time to think about his old life but occasionally would think about his mature friends and wonder why they never wrote to him. But under no circumstances did Pat think about writing to them.

    As Pat flew his plane over the high plateau of Tibet Pat would look at the country side below. He noticed how different it was from England, and how far apart the people lived. In one pass through the high mountains he saw a large collect of buildings and wondered what they were. Often he would inquire of people what they were but no one really knew, perhaps a monastery, some would say. It look so peaceful that he often took that pass between the mountains, even though it was more difficult to fly than a number of of the others.

    One day the weather was very bad. Consequently, Pat had to crash land. He only had basic survival pack with him and the weather looked set in, for a few very bad days. Pat realised that he was only half a day’s walk from the buildings he had often flown over and longed to know what they were. So Pat collected all he required and set off. The walk was difficult but he eventually came in sight of the habitation he was looking for. Pat was so worn out that he fell head first into the deep snow before he could reach the gateway.

    Pat woke up in a large bed, with a person sat in the lotus position at the foot of his bed. Neither could speak the others language and so they tried by means of signs to explain what had happened to each other. Pat was so worn out that he fell back to sleep. During the night he heard a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. He was just falling back to sleep when he was awoke by the chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door. This was repeated all night long, but each time the bell would sound a different number of times. Pat at first thought the bell was being rung to mark time but it was not rung at any regular time interval, that Pat could fathom.

    In the morning the man can again to see Pat and Pat tried to ask him about what he had heard. But the man did not respond. Then Pat tried to ask when it might be possible for him to leave, at this the man signed that the weather was too bad and Pat would have to stay for a few more days. Pat spent the day trying to talk to the small slight man, and as time went by they learnt a few words of each other language.

    That night Pat settled down to sleep, forgetting about what had happened the night before. Pat fell to sleep straight away but was woken by the creak of a door as it opened, footsteps crossed the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. Pat remained awake to hear the chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door. All night long Pat tossed and turned because of the doors, footsteps and bell ringing. So tired was Pat that he did not wake up till midday. The small slight man was there again sitting at the foot of his bed. They tried to communicate in the best way they could. Pat learned a few more words as did the small slight man. During the day Pat never heard the noises that had kept him awake at night.
    Sleep again took Pat in to it’s arms, but Pat did no better than the preceding nights. Kept awake by that infuriating walking and bell.
    Pat’s life went on like this for a month. Every night Pat was still woken by the noises he was starting to get used to, but not so often. In this time Pat and the small slight man had built up quite a friendship. They could now say simple things to each other, and make the other understand most things. Pat was able to explain where his plane had landed and so to Pat’s surprise one day he woke to see his aircraft just outside the walls. To his astonishment the engine worked and the ground it rested upon was as flat as a runway, all traces of rocks and plant life had been carefully removed.

    That night Pat could not sleep and he heard every movement outside and above his room that night. In the morning he tried once more to ask the small slight man about them but all he got was time to go, no need to thank us. We require no thanks. So off Pat flew, the mail he was carrying only six weeks late.

    The people who had contracted Pat to do the mail run were over the moon to see him as they had not yet found any one to replace him. So back to the flying mail run Pat went. Flying everyday through the pass where his helpers lived in the monastery. Pat no longer wondered what the buildings were, but he still longed to know what the ... a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. He was just falling back to sleep when he was awoke by the chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door... was all about.

    On a run from India to China Pat was forced to land by bad weather, as luck would have it he landed on the flat even ground in front of the monastery. His friend ran out to see him and they spent the day in conversation. To his surprise the small slight man could speak perfect English. Apparently other English speaking people had cash landed after Pat had left and the man had been able to improve his skills greatly. Pat decided to spend the night as the weather remained poor.

    Shown to his old room Pat wondered if he would hear the creak of a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. He was just falling back to sleep when he was awoke by the chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door as it closed. Pat fell asleep and dreamt of a life in the monastery. Once again he was woken by those familiar and somehow comforting sounds.

    The weather remained bad for several days. Every night Pat dreamt of life in the monastery. Constantly at night he would hear the walking and the bell chiming. Always he wondered what the sounds meant. But always the door was locked, and he could not find out.
    Upon leaving he asked his friend what the noises were, and his small slight friend told him “you need to be a monk before I can tell you”. So they waved each other goodbye and of Pat flew.

    Everyday Pat would think about the sound he had heard and the mystery they represented. So Pat decided to Pay his friend a call when it came time for his fortnights holiday. So Pat took off from China and headed for the monastery with all sorts of gifts. Upon landing his friend ran out of the gates and embraced him. The gifts were given out and after a long night sat up talking Pat was shown to his old room. Sure enough he heard the creak of a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. The chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door as it closed. All holiday long Pat would wonder and enquire what the sounds were. Everyone he asked would only say “that they could not tell him as he was not a monk”.

    Upon the day he was due to leave the monastery Pat asked if he could speak to the head monk. He was granted an audience, and was surprised to see that it was his small slight friend. Again Pat asked about the noises, to which his friend said that he could not tell him unless he was a monk. Pat then asked if he could become a monk. His friend told him it would require him to spend at least 3 years in training before he could become a monk. Pat was so keen to know what was making the sounds that he asked his friend if he could join his monastery after he had settled his affairs in the outside world. His friend said yes and wished him well as Pat flew back to civilization.

    Pat arrived back at the monastery a week later, as his friend ran up Pat’s light aircraft took off leaving Pat standing on the “runway.” Pat was shown to his usual room and every night he was disturbed by the creak of a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. The chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door as it closed. But every night Pat became more and more pleased as it was another day closer to him finding out about those sounds.

    Pat is now a monk, and sleeps soundly at night, never wondering about the noises.
  • lindalegslindalegs Posts: 5,369
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I'm left wondering now Badger not only about the creak of a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. The chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door as it closed, but also whether I'm more the fool for having sat and read through your joke or whether you're more the fool for having typed it all out :shock: :shock: :wink::lol:

    Luv Legs :lol:
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • badgerbadger Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    So you are wondering about the creak of a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. The chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door as it closed.

    Do you want to know what it was all about?

    Text us then.
  • lindalegslindalegs Posts: 5,369
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    If I say 'yes' Badger you're only going to tell me I have to become a Monk to find out and as I'm female I can only be a Nun and as I have two sons I can't claim another couple of immaculate conceptions 'cos someone already did that so the creak of a door creak as it opened, footsteps cross the floor, another door opened and closed, the tread of a person walking up stairs, another door open and shut, the sound of someone crossing the ceiling above him, and then silence for a brief moment before the sound of a bell being struck softly. The chime of a bell, footsteps re-crossing the floor above him, a door opening and shutting, the sound of footfalls descending some stairway, a door being opened, closed and locked, footsteps outside his room and the creak of a door as it closed will have to remain a mystery for me :roll: (Story of my life really p020.gif )

    Luv Legs :lol::lol:
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    badger youve done my head in
  • badgerbadger Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    "badger youve done my head in"

    Thats because you did not become a monk. If you had you would have been at peace with the world.


    All the best
    Badger
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    you have enlightened me brother Badger
    Colin
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Reading Joan Lawsons post i thought i would add this little story
    about age. not that any of us are old !!!

    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great spe ed, and figures that something must be up.

    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

    "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

    Moral of this story....

    Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • badgerbadger Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    What a good tail.

    I entirely agree. We old farts have it all. Skill, **** and brilliance that only come with age and experience. My grandchildren say some times that I am full of the second, with some of the so called "stories" of yesteryear I tell them. They think it could not possibly be so.

    All the best
    Badger
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
    Give this a try...
    BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
    6-7 lb. baking chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing
    1 cup uncooked popcorn
    Salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together). Pack it in nice and tight. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

    When the chicken's **** blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    THIGS YOUR MUM TAUT YOU

    TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..'

    RELIGION.
    'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

    TIME TRAVEL .
    'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

    LOGIC.
    ' Because I said so, that's why.'

    MORE LOGIC .
    'If you fall out of that swing and break your leg, don't come running to me.'

    FORESIGHT.
    'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

    IRONY
    'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

    CONTORTION
    Youll laugh the other side of your face when I get my hands on you
    'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

    WEATHER .
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

    HYPOCRISY.
    'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

    CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

    BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'

    ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

    ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'

    RECEIVING .
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'

    MEDICAL SCIENCE..
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'
    Your face will stick like that

    ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

    HUMOR .
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

    GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'

    ROOTS .
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

    WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

    JUSTICE
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Bob is feeling a little on the unwell side and his skin has turned a little yellow. He goes to the doctors, the doctor says I’m so sorry you have a very rare thing called yellow 56 so called because you only have 56 hours to live, go home tell your family and make preparation.
    He goes home and tells the wife he only has 56 hours left to live. Well she says lets do something different, come to the bingo with me you’ve never done that before you may enjoy it.
    They go to the bingo. Bob wins the first full house £7000 and they all cheer next game bob wins a line £500 another house £2000 the people are amazed they all cheer him again. Then comes the national link £133,000 yep Bob wins all the people clapping and cheering wife dancing in the ilse. The bingo caller calls bob onto the stage. Have you played before Bob, no never
    Well Bob this is your lucky day. Lucky says Bob this is the worse day of my life I’ve got yellow 56, Bloody hell says the caller you won the raffle to
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    In Memorium
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
    what is baby oil made from?
  • badgerbadger Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I hope to enlightened you more brother Colin

    Seeing the below on the site has reminded me of a good one, from the young farmers many many years ago.

    g035.gif

    Set up.

    The king sits on a high chair with his queen sat by him, all the others sit on chairs facing the king. Except the new members, who are brought in by the secretary, who instructs them to sit on their knees at the feet of the king facing the throne. The secretary explains to all that the king is the king of Siam, and that they need to show him and his queen the respect they are due.

    To do this they have to bend forward and say “Oh are”

    g035.gif

    Then sit back up with hands in the air. Followed by bending down again saying “Tan are”

    g035.gif

    Then sit back up with hands in the air. Followed by bending down again saying the name of the country the king rules.

    g035.gif

    This they have to do three times as quickly as they can.

    g035.gifg035.gifg035.gif

    Please try this yourselves.

    All the best
    Badger
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
    The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
    God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
    A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
    The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
    God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
    About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
    The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy,
    and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
  • lindahlindah Posts: 445
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Did you hear you can now get Viagra for your computer?

    It turns the floppy drives into hard drives.

    :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
  • badgerbadger Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    God knows what I gave to my computor then. Its seems to have done the exact oposite.

    All the best
    Badger.
  • colinonecolinone Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh badger you said it was a good one could not do the getting on my knees bit or the bowing up and down. Now if thats the best the farmers can do you have been mixing with the plough boys.
    Take care Brother
    Colin
    Ill give you a good one now i was saving this untill someone put a viagra joke on hope its not a bit strong.
    Colin
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