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  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    The worst unlucky names

    Justin Case You did not see these on the internet the other day. I thought that before you Barry Cade yourself behind the Rose Bush. Felling that lovely Hazel Nutt tree you have in your garden with a shout of Tim Burr, and surrounding it all with Barb Dwyer , I would inform you that the Anna Sasin has been called off. This is such a pity as I already brought the Holly Reath. The reason he has been dismissed was because he was Priti Manek and had a Terry Bull name for an Anna Sasin, “Mary Christmas. While on his way to your house he came to a complete Stan Still. As he dropped a Pearl Button down a Doug Hole. This was outside a public house, where the public were being asked to sing. The publican was a Paige Turner so they could chose what they sang on the Carrie Oakey. Further Moore I am not Jo King.

    All the best
    Badger.
  • katekelly
    katekelly Member Posts: 975
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    badger wrote:
    The worst unlucky names

    Justin Case You did not see these on the internet the other day. I thought that before you Barry Cade yourself behind the Rose Bush. Felling that lovely Hazel Nutt tree you have in your garden with a shout of Tim Burr, and surrounding it all with Barb Dwyer , I would inform you that the Anna Sasin has been called off. This is such a pity as I already brought the Holly Reath. The reason he has been dismissed was because he was Priti Manek and had a Terry Bull name for an Anna Sasin, “Mary Christmas. While on his way to your house he came to a complete Stan Still. As he dropped a Pearl Button down a Doug Hole. This was outside a public house, where the public were being asked to sing. The publican was a Paige Turner so they could chose what they sang on the Carrie Oakey. Further Moore I am not Jo King.


    Sounds like a family I used t know... Mr and Mrs Dam- and the Dam kids and the Dam dog and the Dam cat!
  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 178
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Katekelly

    Do you live any where near to us, as I think we all know that Dam family. Or is it that they just move round alot.

    All the best
    Badger
  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A couple of new ones for you

    A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.

    'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

    'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.

    'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films.

    I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
    Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

    'Fantastic, you lucky so and so!', exclaimed the Bartender.

    'Was she pretty?'

    'Dunno...Never found the head!'



    A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

    'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

    'Just three questions' said St Peter.

    'Which are?' asked the blonde.

    'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
    The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
    The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

    'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

    So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

    The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

    'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

    The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

    St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

    'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

    The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

    'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

    'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

    St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

    A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

    The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

    'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

    'It's Andy. 'Andy??'

    'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

    'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

    And the blonde entered Heaven...
    What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!
  • lindah
    lindah Member Posts: 445
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh yes.You are in fine form Colin.
    I loved the ugly man one.
    Linda H 8)
  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    lindah wrote:
    Oh yes.You are in fine form Colin.
    I loved the ugly man one.
    Linda H 8)

    Thanks Linda
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 10,319
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    It's GREAT to have you back. Colin

    From your number 1 Fan

    Joan
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  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks Joan
    Colin
  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

    Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

    1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

    2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

    3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

    4. No one knows your secret place.

    5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

    6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

    7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

    There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.
  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,406
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    CATHOLIC HORSES
    One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his
    shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
    forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
    Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

    Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest
    as the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came
    to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the
    horses.

    Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

    Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
    won the race.

    Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest
    would bless for the 6th race.

    The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.

    As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses and each one
    ended up coming in first.

    Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money..
    By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

    He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the
    priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
    True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and
    blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

    Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old
    nag.

    Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

    He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

    Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest
    was.

    Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you
    blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed
    lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings
    - all of it!'

    The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

    'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the
    difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'